Hlpdrinks

So here's my story for anyone who cares to read.

I am a successful professional in the medical field. At the top of the proverbial food chain in my company. Married with one child, many dogs and cats. Make plenty of money, and yet...

Here I am. I take a few days off drinking during the week with no problem but am drunk for most of the weekend. I am away from home often on business and am able to stay in control at the restaurant/hotel most of the time. But again, the weekends.

Weekends are a disaster. I'll crack a beer at around 1 or so and won't stop drinking until midnight or after. Maybe will drink 12-14 beers. Feel terrible the next morning. I can be mean when drunk but not all the time. I am never physically abusive.

My mother is an alcoholic and her father before her. My wife deserves to be treated better than this and my daughter does not need to continue to see me like this. I am going to take at least the next month away from drinking and see how everything goes.

I know I have so much to live for and yet here I am killing myself and disrespecting my family. I feel ashamed/embarrassed/depressed.

posterboy

I think you already understand something important. It's not a matter of how often or how much you drink. It's wether you can control your drinking once you start. If you can't say for sure how much you'll drink when you start drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

tkdan

Welcome to SR. There are a lot of good people here. Your drinking pattern is much like mine was. I had the same feeling that my family deserves better. It is good that you see your drinking as a problem. Many people that don't drink everyday never see it as a problem. Posterboy is right it does not matter how much or how often but whether or not you can control it. The only one that can know for sure if you are an alcoholic is you. Chances are if your here, you have at least considered that a possibility. Keep posting let us know how you are doing.

Miss Pink

Hlp.....what you have described is someone who suffers from a disease of inability to control their drinking.

Help, hope and happiness is possible. But only if you really want it.

AA works.....so many in your shoes there. My local AA room is a high bottom room...meaning plenty of sucesfful professionals there.

The disease is an equal opportunity killer....rich folks, poor folks..hits em all.

Keep coming back....recovery is yours to be had.

nandm

Your story brought back memories for me. I spent many years binging on the weekends and nights during the week if I did not have to work the next day. It was only in the last few years of my drinking that I drank everyday when I was not at work even if I had to work the next day. Pretty much if I wasn't at work I was drunk.

I still had the house, the car, the good paying job, and all the outside trappings of everything is okay but what I was missing was being okay with myself. I hated being in my skin. I felt so guilty over how my drinking affected my children, the stupid things I would do sometimes when I was drunk, the not being able to just control my drinking so I wouldn't get stupid and say stupid hurtful things, the waking up (coming to) the next morning hoping I did not do or say something stupid, and the list goes on.

Essentially for me all of the outside stuff in the world did not change how I felt on the inside and I was miserable. I had become someone I did not want to be. I was used to being in charge, the one in control but I was not able to be in charge or in control of my drinking. Very frustrating and confusing. I did not have to lose all of the outside stuff to realize that I had lost control of my alcohol use and my life (my insides especially) was unmanageable because of my alcohol use.

Only you can decide if you have an alcohol problem. One way to find out is to try controlled drinking. Try drinking a half a beer and walk away. My definition of that when I was drinking was that was alcohol abuse. But today I realize that alcohol abuse is when we abuse ourselves because we have lost control over our drinking. I did try dry periods to try and prove to myself I was not an alcoholic. I even spent a year not drinking, thought I was fine but within a few months of drinking I was worse than I was before the dry perioid.

One thing to consider, people who do not have an alcohol problem rarely question if they are an alcoholic.

I wish you the best, hope you come back and let us know how you are doing. We are here if you decide you want to talk, have questions, or just want support. Take care and welcome to SR.

Hlpdrinks

Very nice replies, thank you all so very much.

I don't think there is a question that I am an alcoholic, I am okay with admitting as much. I wish I could control it more readily, and I sometimes go into Saturday thinking "Okay, a few beers with the game, then take a break, and when (my daughter) goes to bed a few more." Yeah, right. Does NOT work that way at all.

I am making some changes to my life, I wonder how these sound to you and if you have any other suggestions?
1. Joined this forum for support.
2. Wake up with my wife to help her with the animals, get our daughter ready, etc. (I used to wake up about 45 minutes after her, not always because of drinking the night before, just because).
3. Keep a journal on a regular basis, kind of like a private blog-type-thing.
4. Engage in counseling sessions.
5. Totally avoid drinking for AT LEAST a month. I am saying at least so that I have what I believe to be an obtainable and reasonable goal.
6. Do more out-of-the-house activities with my wife and daughter, as staying in the house I am sure is a trigger of sorts for drinking. I am thinking maybe a daily walk for example.

sugErspun

I think those all sound like great ideas. If those things can help you cut back or quit, then great. Not everyone has to ruin their life completely to recognize a problem or potential problem and take action to eliminate it.

The only question I have is: I know you have made attempts to moderate (only have a few drinks, then change your mind after those few), but have you ever made an effort to quit entirely? You state you are alcoholic - what exactly does that mean to you? (i.e. what is your definition of an alchololic?)

I know what it means to me...and I will share in reply.


Thanks for your post..I can relate in many ways.

TorontoGuy28

It's good to have a plan. Have you thought about joining a health club ?

I would also suggest checking out a local AA meeting, full of people that understand what you're going through....

Hlpdrinks

Never have made an attempt to quit entirely. What is an alcoholic to me--great question. I think to me it is someone who habitually consumes alcohol and who feels as though control is difficult or impossible. However, given this definition, the alcoholic must WANT to change something, otherwise failure is assured. I am to the point now where I not only want to change something but also realize that I MUST change something.

Elizabeth2007

I would also suggest to prepare yourself for the emotional and physical detox you're going to go through when you do stop for those 30 days.

It will not be easy, I won't kid you - you will struggle with physical and emotional (habitual) cravings as well as massive anxiety and sleep issues. I would also suggest speaking to your doctor as sometimes quitting after years of alcohol abuse can cause serious consequences medically at first.

Please keep yourself well fed, hydrated and be very gentle with yourself during those first weeks. Try Epson Salt baths which really help the detox process. Also recognize H.A.L.T. Work very hard to no allow yourself to get into a situation where you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired - these states highten cravings for alcohol.

Also when you DO make it through those first 30 days and you can do it (turst me if I could do it so can you .. I PROMISE!)

DO NOT GO BACK TO DRINKING. You will have already gotten through the very worst part of the quit. Why go back go pouring poison into your body??

Consider seeing a therapist to work on issues that likely drove you to pick up alcohol in an addictive manner in the first place and also AA, if you are a person of faith.

Just don't give up on yourself and if at first you don't succeed, try try again. NEVER QUIT QUITTING!!

I'll be praying for you.

Elizabeth

Hlpdrinks

These are all such incredible responses, it is really making me feel strong. Thanks ever so much for this support!

CarolD

Please read the top 2 sticky post on this Forum.

Keep in touch...it's good to see a determined new member.
...Welcome to SR!

Hlpdrinks

Will read them right now, thank you!

RDKA

:ghug2 Outstanding to have you on board. I am currently working on my first 30 days as well (halfway there as of today)...I too am quitting because I was killing myself, not too mention setting a terrible example for my young son and daughter...one night after a particularly bad drunk at a friends place the next day my daughter comes up to me and asks "Daddy, why were you walking funny last night"...and I lied and said "I was just trying to make you laugh sweetie"....that started the "questioning myself" process for me...although it took a few more extremely bad drunks and a month and a half later to finally quit and say "enough is enough"!....Keep posting and let us know how ur doing.

Hlpdrinks

Well this is the second day, not unfamiliar territory for me. 3 days pushes it and I don't remember the last time I did 4 days. Usually at the 3rd day I'd have a glass or two of wine, skip another day, have a glass or two of wine, then the weekend madness.

sugErspun

Thanks Hlpdrinks that is pretty close to my definition as well. Mine of course, was a self diagnoses through a structured program that I saw working for others (they had what I wanted - sobriety, happiness). Just so I am clear in my definition:

Alcoholism is a two fold disease of the body and the mind. I believe the action of alcohol on the body of the alcoholic is the manifestation of an allergy - this 'allergy' (allergy defined as an abnormal response to outside physical stimulus) is represented by a craving for more alcohol (Once I have a little alcohol, there is a point where I just want to keep drinking - this is not the 'normal' response physically). Secondly - I suffer from insanity in regard to alcohol (insanity defined as 'lack of proportion and the inability to think straight) - this to me means - with all the knowledge of what taking a drink means, how utterly important it may be, how badly I want to quit - I will drink with or without explanation (in hindsight, the action of picking up a drink will be disproportionate to the apparent results). This is why you find the alcoholic drinking when the doctor says not to, or if it means going to jail.- The inability to leave it alone completely. No amount desire can overcome this mental malady which has plagued me.

Now - you having never tried to leave alcohol alone completely, probably don't have full knowledge of your condition or lack thereof (hopefully the latter of the two) - I define full knowledge as having had experienced something first hand.

I will end this (has become way to long) - by saying that I speak only of my own experience and do not claim any thing as finite truth.

I wish you all the best in your sobriety - there's no other choice right?

~Adam