need A's perspective -did spouse leaving you make a difference in your recovery?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
need A's perspective -did spouse leaving you make a difference in your recovery?
after being with ah seven years i am contemplating leaving.
he is verbally abusive and has been physically abusive. underneath, i know there is a good person there however.
i called the police the other night because he got out of bed and became abusive towards our cat.
i have found a really great place i could move into and be happy in. i would leave him with no furniture by himself in our house until it sells.
he tried outpatient treatment and relapsed after two months sober. he just doesn't think it is that bad, yet he is drinking four nights a week until he passes out and urinates himself.
SO, THE BIG QUESTION? DID YOUR SPOUSE LEAVING MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR RECOVERY GOOD OR BAD???
i am really struggling whether this is the right thing to do. there is still a lot of love there. i don't want to make a mistake. i already know that if i do it has to be for me and not for him. i already know i can't control him.
THANK YOU!!!
he is verbally abusive and has been physically abusive. underneath, i know there is a good person there however.
i called the police the other night because he got out of bed and became abusive towards our cat.
i have found a really great place i could move into and be happy in. i would leave him with no furniture by himself in our house until it sells.
he tried outpatient treatment and relapsed after two months sober. he just doesn't think it is that bad, yet he is drinking four nights a week until he passes out and urinates himself.
SO, THE BIG QUESTION? DID YOUR SPOUSE LEAVING MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR RECOVERY GOOD OR BAD???
i am really struggling whether this is the right thing to do. there is still a lot of love there. i don't want to make a mistake. i already know that if i do it has to be for me and not for him. i already know i can't control him.
THANK YOU!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
His recovery is totally on him!
Your recovery is on you!
What is best for you?
The right thing to do at this point is what is good for you?
You are not helping him by staying from the results so far, so it is time to take care of you!!!!
He will quit when he is ready, with you there or with you gone!
Your leaving him is not going to slow down his chance at recovery, you staying probably will.
Do what is right for you!!!
Your recovery is on you!
What is best for you?
The right thing to do at this point is what is good for you?
You are not helping him by staying from the results so far, so it is time to take care of you!!!!
He will quit when he is ready, with you there or with you gone!
Your leaving him is not going to slow down his chance at recovery, you staying probably will.
Do what is right for you!!!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well...
I was not married when I slid into alcoholism
or started recovery.
I did leave an abusive marriage
for my safety.
I suggest you contact a
domestic violence center in your area
and see what options are available.
Blessings
I was not married when I slid into alcoholism
or started recovery.
I did leave an abusive marriage
for my safety.
I suggest you contact a
domestic violence center in your area
and see what options are available.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
no.
i got sober whe I was ready. partners leaving me when I still wanted the right to drink if I wanted was actually great for me. it gave me more fuel for my resentments, and reasons to drink, and it gave me the isolation i craved.
please dont fool yourself into thinking you can cure, control or cause your husbands's drinking. its not up to you when he stops.
you know that he is verbally abusive. not just to the cat. he has yelled at and threatened you. he blocked your passage in your own home and ripped the phone out of your hands.
this alone is enough for you to step back and take better care of your own needs.
please, remember:
1.you cannot control anothers drinking. this means that if you stay or if you go, an alcoholic will make his own choices.
2. you cannot cure another of alcoholism: this means that you cannot fix your husband by staying with him.
3. you didn't cause it: alcoholism is a disease of brain chemistry. nothing you did or did not do or say is the reason your husband drinks.
Alcoholics are not all abusive and abusive men are not all alcoholics. In this case, it sounds like there are 2 issues (at minimum) and that in both cases, its wise to KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND ON WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. That means, turn him and this situation over to his own higher power for help and salvation.
Good Luck. I trust that you are strong and courageous and that you will be guided in this process. we care about you!
i got sober whe I was ready. partners leaving me when I still wanted the right to drink if I wanted was actually great for me. it gave me more fuel for my resentments, and reasons to drink, and it gave me the isolation i craved.
please dont fool yourself into thinking you can cure, control or cause your husbands's drinking. its not up to you when he stops.
you know that he is verbally abusive. not just to the cat. he has yelled at and threatened you. he blocked your passage in your own home and ripped the phone out of your hands.
this alone is enough for you to step back and take better care of your own needs.
please, remember:
1.you cannot control anothers drinking. this means that if you stay or if you go, an alcoholic will make his own choices.
2. you cannot cure another of alcoholism: this means that you cannot fix your husband by staying with him.
3. you didn't cause it: alcoholism is a disease of brain chemistry. nothing you did or did not do or say is the reason your husband drinks.
Alcoholics are not all abusive and abusive men are not all alcoholics. In this case, it sounds like there are 2 issues (at minimum) and that in both cases, its wise to KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND ON WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. That means, turn him and this situation over to his own higher power for help and salvation.
Good Luck. I trust that you are strong and courageous and that you will be guided in this process. we care about you!
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I was the one who had to leave. Oh, he hated my using, but he still wanted his using partner when he decided to do a little recreational partying. Thing was, he expected me to pick up or put it down on his whim. I couldn't do that.
Just like our own recovery, when we have to face that first step, admit that we're powerless and that our lives are unmanageable (at least, that's how it happened for me), you'll have to do the same.
I live around many things and people over which I'm powerless, and when I try to exert power, I find my life very unmanageable. I have had to decide in each instance whether I could keep my meddling mitts out of it and accept, or if it was unacceptable to me and I had to have the courage to change what I could.
Sounds like a lot of platitudes, but those platitudes have saved my life.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Just like our own recovery, when we have to face that first step, admit that we're powerless and that our lives are unmanageable (at least, that's how it happened for me), you'll have to do the same.
I live around many things and people over which I'm powerless, and when I try to exert power, I find my life very unmanageable. I have had to decide in each instance whether I could keep my meddling mitts out of it and accept, or if it was unacceptable to me and I had to have the courage to change what I could.
Sounds like a lot of platitudes, but those platitudes have saved my life.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Recovery aside, there is no excuse if he is abusing you. I'm sure if he goes into recovery, and stays in recovery the abuse would stop. As others have said it all depends on him. Some of us got sober only after the spouse left. Sometimes the only way to save him is to let him go.
Verbal or physical, abuse is abuse. If he is hitting you, you MUST call the police. Abuse can easily escalate to fatal potential, an active alcoholic mind is an unstable one. Violence only breeds more violence, and is against the law.
Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but I'm a recovering alcoholic who also happens to be in law enforcement.
Tom
Verbal or physical, abuse is abuse. If he is hitting you, you MUST call the police. Abuse can easily escalate to fatal potential, an active alcoholic mind is an unstable one. Violence only breeds more violence, and is against the law.
Sorry if this sounds a little harsh, but I'm a recovering alcoholic who also happens to be in law enforcement.
Tom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
thanks signal, it is mainly verbal abuse. it has been physical in the past.
i called the cops the other night because he was being abusive towards our cat. the cat had urinated on some box springs (the mattress was already gone because ah gets drunk and pees himself)
we were laying in bed and the anger must have been building over this because he got up and bang bang down the steps goes the boxsprings, then i hear him screaming at the cat. i go down and he has her by the neck rubbing her nose in the urine (he said he had smacked across the head early-later saying it was the butt)
so, then he put her outside in a mudroom -kinda like a porch in the cold and blocked the door so i could not bring her back in. that is when i called the cops.
the cat was a pure innocent victom. she has cyctitis that is why she has the problem and the vet said punishing her or getting angry with her would only made it much worse. ah still thinks what he did was justified.
so the cops came, but would not take him because he had not touched me. i was able to get the cat back inside then. so, they left and ah went to bed without further incident.
the stupid cop told me, well, i rub my dogs nose in it when he does it -humm, hello, if you knew anything about cats you would realize they are different than dogs and don't understand this.
i called the cops the other night because he was being abusive towards our cat. the cat had urinated on some box springs (the mattress was already gone because ah gets drunk and pees himself)
we were laying in bed and the anger must have been building over this because he got up and bang bang down the steps goes the boxsprings, then i hear him screaming at the cat. i go down and he has her by the neck rubbing her nose in the urine (he said he had smacked across the head early-later saying it was the butt)
so, then he put her outside in a mudroom -kinda like a porch in the cold and blocked the door so i could not bring her back in. that is when i called the cops.
the cat was a pure innocent victom. she has cyctitis that is why she has the problem and the vet said punishing her or getting angry with her would only made it much worse. ah still thinks what he did was justified.
so the cops came, but would not take him because he had not touched me. i was able to get the cat back inside then. so, they left and ah went to bed without further incident.
the stupid cop told me, well, i rub my dogs nose in it when he does it -humm, hello, if you knew anything about cats you would realize they are different than dogs and don't understand this.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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tom,
I think Wantsout was referring to the cop who responded to hopeangel's call at the home, the one who had minimized the husband's actions toward the cat by saying to hopeangel, "hey, you rub your dog's nose in it, whats the big deal?"
it wasn't you she was referring to as a moron.
I think Wantsout was referring to the cop who responded to hopeangel's call at the home, the one who had minimized the husband's actions toward the cat by saying to hopeangel, "hey, you rub your dog's nose in it, whats the big deal?"
it wasn't you she was referring to as a moron.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by jcham5150 
My girlfriend said she was leaving if I didnt get sober, it made a diference. Although I was already at rock bottom not even alcohol liked me anymore. I didnt want to loose the last one good thing in my life that was left. I loved her I just didnt know how to love her. She took care of her and in going so I took care of me.....
I went to AA got a sponsor and went through the 12 steps, I dont drink anymore and today Sarah and I are married. Life is more than I ever thought it could be. Today our relationship has been restored to a love and happiness that we had not known even before my alcohalism became acute.
I wish you well......
I went to AA got a sponsor and went through the 12 steps, I dont drink anymore and today Sarah and I are married. Life is more than I ever thought it could be. Today our relationship has been restored to a love and happiness that we had not known even before my alcohalism became acute.
I wish you well......
thats wonderful!
but, had you been abusive to Sarah in the drinking past? Physically and verbally abusive? Or, was alcoholism the single illness you were battling?
Because I'd say that longterm, comitted sobriety and AA recovery CAN heal relationships. But initial entry into AA does not address nor offer therapy for an abuser.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Yeah miss comm. I think you are right, now that I have read it a few times.
And hopeangel, verbal abuse does not make it any better. All "cat issues" aside. If he has Physically abused you in the past, and still verbally abusing you now. Verbal abuse is Domestic Violence, as stated in the Ohio Revised Code section C...
2919.25 Domestic violence.
(A) No person shall knowingly cause or attempt to cause physical harm to a family or household member.
(B) No person shall recklessly cause serious physical harm to a family or household member.
(C) No person, by threat of force, shall knowingly cause a family or household member to believe that the offender will cause imminent physical harm to the family or household member.
(D)(1) Whoever violates this section is guilty of domestic violence.
If he is still drinking, it's only a matter of time before verbal turns back into physical. Alcoholism, untreated, only gets worse. The mind gets more insane, and all reason depletes.
Not only am I a police officer, but also a Domestic Violence Advocate. Battered Spouse Syndrome like alcoholism is cunning baffling, and powerful. I have seen women almost killed on cases I've been on where the aggressor was usually an alcoholic and/or addict.
Be careful hope.
Tom
And hopeangel, verbal abuse does not make it any better. All "cat issues" aside. If he has Physically abused you in the past, and still verbally abusing you now. Verbal abuse is Domestic Violence, as stated in the Ohio Revised Code section C...
2919.25 Domestic violence.
(A) No person shall knowingly cause or attempt to cause physical harm to a family or household member.
(B) No person shall recklessly cause serious physical harm to a family or household member.
(C) No person, by threat of force, shall knowingly cause a family or household member to believe that the offender will cause imminent physical harm to the family or household member.
(D)(1) Whoever violates this section is guilty of domestic violence.
If he is still drinking, it's only a matter of time before verbal turns back into physical. Alcoholism, untreated, only gets worse. The mind gets more insane, and all reason depletes.
Not only am I a police officer, but also a Domestic Violence Advocate. Battered Spouse Syndrome like alcoholism is cunning baffling, and powerful. I have seen women almost killed on cases I've been on where the aggressor was usually an alcoholic and/or addict.
Be careful hope.
Tom
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
thank you so much signal for your wonderful insite and providing the legal terminology. it is so easy to think, oh, what he did is not that bad, but when you see the law in black and white and check yes, well, then it must be serious or there wouldn't be laws against it right? thanks!
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Join Date: Jan 2007
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You don't need to thank me hope just be aware of situations at home. Every domestic violence arrest I have personally been on, the primary aggressor was either drunk on intoxicated by a controlled substance. Whether the arrested subjects were alcoholics/addicts or not remains to be seen. I believe there intoxicated state was a direct result of their actions. The laws pertaining to Domestic violence have to be black and white, because "gray areas" in the law got victims killed.
Battered women's shelters, protection orders, etc... were all created because of fatalities. To make things simple, when a officer(s) arrive at a scene of a domestic violence call he or she needs to determine who the primary aggressor is, make the arrest, and take them to jail.
Ok I'm done with all the "cop facts"...lol.
Tom
Battered women's shelters, protection orders, etc... were all created because of fatalities. To make things simple, when a officer(s) arrive at a scene of a domestic violence call he or she needs to determine who the primary aggressor is, make the arrest, and take them to jail.
Ok I'm done with all the "cop facts"...lol.
Tom
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 86
My ex left me for someone else. I found out on a Sunday night and was in AA Monday morning. This will most likely not happen in your case but the point is that I had lost enough things due to alcohol that I wanted more out of life; the ex leaving me was the last straw.
As an alcoholic I often tried to delude myself by thinking I wasn't that bad. Unfortunately it often requires a significant loss or series of losses to spur the alcoholic to take action over their drinking. I recommend you move out as I can't see that you continuing down this path is going to lead to his recovery.
However you don't have to break all ties. You could see him as often as you or he wishes. Be honest with him about your feelings. Just take this one day at a time and see how it goes. In you first post you mention selling the house but really you don't need to look that far ahead. Concentrate on improving your current situation and then see what comes next. Even the best laid plans never turn out exactly as we envision. It could result in you moving back in a month or never returning again but you won't work out what change is best for you if nothing changes.
Good luck with this,
Shaneo.
As an alcoholic I often tried to delude myself by thinking I wasn't that bad. Unfortunately it often requires a significant loss or series of losses to spur the alcoholic to take action over their drinking. I recommend you move out as I can't see that you continuing down this path is going to lead to his recovery.
However you don't have to break all ties. You could see him as often as you or he wishes. Be honest with him about your feelings. Just take this one day at a time and see how it goes. In you first post you mention selling the house but really you don't need to look that far ahead. Concentrate on improving your current situation and then see what comes next. Even the best laid plans never turn out exactly as we envision. It could result in you moving back in a month or never returning again but you won't work out what change is best for you if nothing changes.
Good luck with this,
Shaneo.
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