my wife
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
my wife
I need to get this off my chest.
I'm in recovery for my alcoholism and drug addiction. My dear wife is a heavy drinker (between 5 and 8 drinks a day). She is also a professional, with a PHD in her feild.
It bothers me that she drinks as much as she does, yet acts self rightous. I feel like she thinks that she is better than me. I also notice that she is cranky and mean towards me a bit too often... I'm not sure if it's because of something I'm doing or if she is just that way. She blames me that she is grouchy. When I stand up for my self, she calls me an "a$$hole". If I don't stand up for myself, I internalize anger...and eventually blow up. When this happens she says "what you are doing is proving my point that you are an a$$hole".
Just venting a bit. I feel like she should make more of an effort to be civil, given the fact that I tolerate her drinking. She isn't very nice to me, and it seems like a vicious cycle. It seems like she attacks me out of nowhere, and later claims that she is angry for something that I did or didn't do. This is often a very vague explaination, and I have a hard time seeing her side. Often, she gets mad at me for things that she thinks that I'm thinking.
This might not be the right forum to discuss this problem. Her drinking is bothering me, because I can't take it and her other behaviour at the same time. I wish she could choose between being a heavy drinker or being a mean person.
Last week I mentioned that she is drinking quite a bit. We had a terrible argument. It ended when she said that she isn't measuring how much booze she is pouring into her drinks. She said that she will keep better track from now on, and that it's just an accident that she drank so much last week...
I guess it bothers me because sometimes she is condesending about my recovery, yet she's hiding empty booze bottles in our basement. It really bothers me when she tells me to practice my program, and continues to act the way she acts.
chip
I'm in recovery for my alcoholism and drug addiction. My dear wife is a heavy drinker (between 5 and 8 drinks a day). She is also a professional, with a PHD in her feild.
It bothers me that she drinks as much as she does, yet acts self rightous. I feel like she thinks that she is better than me. I also notice that she is cranky and mean towards me a bit too often... I'm not sure if it's because of something I'm doing or if she is just that way. She blames me that she is grouchy. When I stand up for my self, she calls me an "a$$hole". If I don't stand up for myself, I internalize anger...and eventually blow up. When this happens she says "what you are doing is proving my point that you are an a$$hole".
Just venting a bit. I feel like she should make more of an effort to be civil, given the fact that I tolerate her drinking. She isn't very nice to me, and it seems like a vicious cycle. It seems like she attacks me out of nowhere, and later claims that she is angry for something that I did or didn't do. This is often a very vague explaination, and I have a hard time seeing her side. Often, she gets mad at me for things that she thinks that I'm thinking.
This might not be the right forum to discuss this problem. Her drinking is bothering me, because I can't take it and her other behaviour at the same time. I wish she could choose between being a heavy drinker or being a mean person.
Last week I mentioned that she is drinking quite a bit. We had a terrible argument. It ended when she said that she isn't measuring how much booze she is pouring into her drinks. She said that she will keep better track from now on, and that it's just an accident that she drank so much last week...
I guess it bothers me because sometimes she is condesending about my recovery, yet she's hiding empty booze bottles in our basement. It really bothers me when she tells me to practice my program, and continues to act the way she acts.
chip
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Have you considered counseling? Since you are in recovery and better able to deal with your life now this might be a good time to clean up the relationship.
Without the help she may well be a trigger. There are prob. resentments festering for a long time.
Without the help she may well be a trigger. There are prob. resentments festering for a long time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi Chip, :comfort
I was the alcoholic in recovery and my husband still drank...the first time I quit. I drank again and got a divorce.
It was 14 years before I sobered up again and now I have been sober 19 years and my first husband is sober too. In fact we remarried six years ago. It is almost too much to expect for your wife to think she can drink in front of you...with all of the behaviors and you stay clean & sober long term.
It may be that she is in denial of having an alcohol problem herself...so feels angry and argumentive about her drinking when it is brought up.
Counseling is a good idea. You need to take care of You first. You cannot get your wife to quit drinking...she has to do that on her own. Also do you attend AA or some sort of Support Group for your drug/alcohol recovery?
Life seems to get too complicated but even the fact that your wife is a PHD and has a profession...that doesn't make her immune from becoming an alcoholic. She has seen what you are doing and maybe wishes she had it too.
Hope you can keep posting here and keep working on your sobriety. :morning
kelsh
I was the alcoholic in recovery and my husband still drank...the first time I quit. I drank again and got a divorce.
It was 14 years before I sobered up again and now I have been sober 19 years and my first husband is sober too. In fact we remarried six years ago. It is almost too much to expect for your wife to think she can drink in front of you...with all of the behaviors and you stay clean & sober long term.
It may be that she is in denial of having an alcohol problem herself...so feels angry and argumentive about her drinking when it is brought up.
Counseling is a good idea. You need to take care of You first. You cannot get your wife to quit drinking...she has to do that on her own. Also do you attend AA or some sort of Support Group for your drug/alcohol recovery?
Life seems to get too complicated but even the fact that your wife is a PHD and has a profession...that doesn't make her immune from becoming an alcoholic. She has seen what you are doing and maybe wishes she had it too.
Hope you can keep posting here and keep working on your sobriety. :morning
kelsh
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Sorry about that chip.
You already know what the answer is.
My stormy wasn't a bag lady....I ain't nutz for nutting.
I didn't write" you will split like oil and water" just for kicks.
very, very difficult to set boundaries.
The boundaries are for me..which i fail again and again.
Stopping my drinking was a cake walk compare to this.
No. i can't say your situations is going to be like mine. So i hope
thinks works out for the best for you and your wife.
I've gone through a living hell clean and sober...and the very
stages of it. My head isn't totally screwed on straight today
becuase of it. I knew gf when she was clean and sober.
I met her when she was clean and sober. The chioces i made
was to stick it out. I hope that somehow she would get back
to that piont somehow. it didn't work out like that.
My head it's on a lot straighter then it was... lests say, 10 years
ago in my earily stages of my recovery. Never the less it still hurts like hell
and some poeple just don't understand that.
You already know what the answer is.
My stormy wasn't a bag lady....I ain't nutz for nutting.
I didn't write" you will split like oil and water" just for kicks.
very, very difficult to set boundaries.
The boundaries are for me..which i fail again and again.
Stopping my drinking was a cake walk compare to this.
No. i can't say your situations is going to be like mine. So i hope
thinks works out for the best for you and your wife.
I've gone through a living hell clean and sober...and the very
stages of it. My head isn't totally screwed on straight today
becuase of it. I knew gf when she was clean and sober.
I met her when she was clean and sober. The chioces i made
was to stick it out. I hope that somehow she would get back
to that piont somehow. it didn't work out like that.
My head it's on a lot straighter then it was... lests say, 10 years
ago in my earily stages of my recovery. Never the less it still hurts like hell
and some poeple just don't understand that.
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: California
Posts: 22
Chip:
I was that wife. I am very sorry to my ex for being so mean to him. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Counseling and working on YOU is the best advise.
Hang in there, it will get better.
I was that wife. I am very sorry to my ex for being so mean to him. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Counseling and working on YOU is the best advise.
Hang in there, it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Bella Vista, Ar
Posts: 50
Chip,
Her anger and meaness towards you maybe her defense mechanism four her drinking.
I was in a relationship with a women who got into recovery. I wasn't ready and knew so I had to leave.I really cared about her but knew things were going to get bad. Today she has nearly 4 yrs and I am rapidly approching my first. We have a wonderful friendship today, and if it wasn't for a mere 700 mi seperation we would probably get back together.
I wish you luck and will be praying for you. :praying
Scoty
Her anger and meaness towards you maybe her defense mechanism four her drinking.
I was in a relationship with a women who got into recovery. I wasn't ready and knew so I had to leave.I really cared about her but knew things were going to get bad. Today she has nearly 4 yrs and I am rapidly approching my first. We have a wonderful friendship today, and if it wasn't for a mere 700 mi seperation we would probably get back together.
I wish you luck and will be praying for you. :praying
Scoty
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,494
Ugh, if I drank that much a night when I was drinking I'd be sick. Can't call any one an alcoholic,but it sounds as if your wife is abusing the stuff big time. My ex and I got sober around the same time, I'm the one with the problem and he thinks just because he quit on his own, he is not an alcoholic. Remember if she is pointing the finger at you,four are pointing back at her. I hope she gets the help she needs and I hope things get better for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Thanks everyone.
I feel a bit guilty for talking about her like this. I try not to talk too much about her at my AA meetings either, but it does weigh on my heart.
In her defense, I was a big jerk when I drank. I can still be a big jerk clean and sober. I was a jerk this morning to her because I was angry.
She has been supportive of my recovery overall...it's just sometimes that I feel that she looks down on it. I'll give you an example: I might get a big promotion in the next 5 years or so. If I get this promotion, I'll have to work harder but the money will be much better. One night when we were talking about it, I brought up how I'd have to change which meetings I go to. She was visibly disappointed... She admitted that she thought I wouldn't need to go to meetings anymore if I made more money.
Even tonight she suggested that I may find other coping mechanisms besides meetings eventually. She suggested that I might want to avoid becoming dependent on going to AA everyday. I don't think she was being malicious... She also compares AA to being "churchy", and I take this as a negative thing.
I go to an AA meeting everyday. I'm also worried that I'm "hiding" in the fellowship aspect of AA, and becoming complacent about my step work. I've been working on step 4, but on days like today I have trouble believing that I have a full grasp on step 3. This could be a whole other thread on its own.....
About her drinking; She's making an attempt to moderate since our last discussion about it. Yes, she gets mad if I bring it up. It even makes me sick to think about it. As I type this, my foot is touching the bottle of rye that she keeps under the desk, and I can smell the rye in her glass that she left beside the computer.
I am very thankful that she stopped smoking pot. This was much harder on me when she smoked while I stayed clean and sober. I remember once, right after I quit, she smoked a joint in front of me.
Back to my worries about my stepwork.....
I'm concerned that I'm carrying too much anger, resentment, and self pity around with me. That's why I'm looking to get going on my step work. I'm hoping that if I dive into the AA program much more, stuff like this will get sorted out on God's time.
My plan is to get working on my program, and do my inventory instead of my wife's. I'll continue to pray for her. I will continue to say something if she keeps plowing through the 40oz bottles of rye too fast.....This is because it is a concern to me about our family.
The ironic thing is that I really try to avoid conflict or confrontation with others....but I don't shy away from it with my dear wife.
thanks for reading,
chip
I feel a bit guilty for talking about her like this. I try not to talk too much about her at my AA meetings either, but it does weigh on my heart.
In her defense, I was a big jerk when I drank. I can still be a big jerk clean and sober. I was a jerk this morning to her because I was angry.
She has been supportive of my recovery overall...it's just sometimes that I feel that she looks down on it. I'll give you an example: I might get a big promotion in the next 5 years or so. If I get this promotion, I'll have to work harder but the money will be much better. One night when we were talking about it, I brought up how I'd have to change which meetings I go to. She was visibly disappointed... She admitted that she thought I wouldn't need to go to meetings anymore if I made more money.
Even tonight she suggested that I may find other coping mechanisms besides meetings eventually. She suggested that I might want to avoid becoming dependent on going to AA everyday. I don't think she was being malicious... She also compares AA to being "churchy", and I take this as a negative thing.
I go to an AA meeting everyday. I'm also worried that I'm "hiding" in the fellowship aspect of AA, and becoming complacent about my step work. I've been working on step 4, but on days like today I have trouble believing that I have a full grasp on step 3. This could be a whole other thread on its own.....
About her drinking; She's making an attempt to moderate since our last discussion about it. Yes, she gets mad if I bring it up. It even makes me sick to think about it. As I type this, my foot is touching the bottle of rye that she keeps under the desk, and I can smell the rye in her glass that she left beside the computer.
I am very thankful that she stopped smoking pot. This was much harder on me when she smoked while I stayed clean and sober. I remember once, right after I quit, she smoked a joint in front of me.
Back to my worries about my stepwork.....
I'm concerned that I'm carrying too much anger, resentment, and self pity around with me. That's why I'm looking to get going on my step work. I'm hoping that if I dive into the AA program much more, stuff like this will get sorted out on God's time.
My plan is to get working on my program, and do my inventory instead of my wife's. I'll continue to pray for her. I will continue to say something if she keeps plowing through the 40oz bottles of rye too fast.....This is because it is a concern to me about our family.
The ironic thing is that I really try to avoid conflict or confrontation with others....but I don't shy away from it with my dear wife.
thanks for reading,
chip
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
Been there! It took me a year and a half to get my wife to give up the pills and cocaine. What a trying time in my life. I kept plugging away at the program hitting 3-4 meetings a week and doing my thing. I was at meetings and she was getting high at the very same time. I put up with her addictive behavior and personality, but it was all I could do to tolerate the situation.
My wife had me feeling so low. I was the cause of all the strife and mysery in our lives and the whole world would be better off without me. I heard this on a daily basis and I was at or beyond the point where I actually believed her when she told me this. I was a mere fragment of what I was at one time.
It took a year or more in A.A. and working the program with my Sponsor and Friends at the table before I pulled my head out and got the message. I'm a good person and I'm doing what I needed to do for myself. Her worthless drug addict opinion meant nothing to me. I had risen up from the ashes and become impervious to her abuse. She had one card to play and one card only. It wasn't good enough anymore. I held one thing in my hand that she was powerless against. The Truth!!! And she knew it. She would bitch and try to demoralize me, and I would go out in the garage and start singing as loud as I could. "Thank God and Greyhound she's gone". It was hard to keep a straight face sometimes. She was crumbling right before my very eyes. She would threaten me with divorce and leave. I would respond with "there's the door. Dont forget to pack a bag of "Go F**k yourself" before you leave".
Rehab didn't help, losing our children didn't work either. She's been clean for a litle over a year now because I had the strength and sense of self worth to call her on her BS. Things are good now. She could still stand to do some step work, but I'll settle for this for now.
My sponsor was with me through it all. He cautioned me that I was only responsible for my inventory and not hers. I thought one time he was going to hit me in the side of the head when he yelled "will you quit trying to play God, there's nothing you can do about the way other people behave"!! (think of Rocky's trainer when you read that) Poking me in the forehead he snapped "You fix You"
I love thay guy! He helped me save my marriage and my family by pointing out that there are things beyond my control. Other peoples behavior is among the bulk of them.
My wife had me feeling so low. I was the cause of all the strife and mysery in our lives and the whole world would be better off without me. I heard this on a daily basis and I was at or beyond the point where I actually believed her when she told me this. I was a mere fragment of what I was at one time.
It took a year or more in A.A. and working the program with my Sponsor and Friends at the table before I pulled my head out and got the message. I'm a good person and I'm doing what I needed to do for myself. Her worthless drug addict opinion meant nothing to me. I had risen up from the ashes and become impervious to her abuse. She had one card to play and one card only. It wasn't good enough anymore. I held one thing in my hand that she was powerless against. The Truth!!! And she knew it. She would bitch and try to demoralize me, and I would go out in the garage and start singing as loud as I could. "Thank God and Greyhound she's gone". It was hard to keep a straight face sometimes. She was crumbling right before my very eyes. She would threaten me with divorce and leave. I would respond with "there's the door. Dont forget to pack a bag of "Go F**k yourself" before you leave".
Rehab didn't help, losing our children didn't work either. She's been clean for a litle over a year now because I had the strength and sense of self worth to call her on her BS. Things are good now. She could still stand to do some step work, but I'll settle for this for now.
My sponsor was with me through it all. He cautioned me that I was only responsible for my inventory and not hers. I thought one time he was going to hit me in the side of the head when he yelled "will you quit trying to play God, there's nothing you can do about the way other people behave"!! (think of Rocky's trainer when you read that) Poking me in the forehead he snapped "You fix You"
I love thay guy! He helped me save my marriage and my family by pointing out that there are things beyond my control. Other peoples behavior is among the bulk of them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Indiana
Posts: 90
Damn, man. I'm sorry. Maybe others here have some good advice. I don't know. Just want you to know I love you and I care.
You're a good dude and you deserve to be happy.
Thank you for all the support you've given me. I'm sorry you are in pain now.
Hang tight, brother.
You're a good dude and you deserve to be happy.
Thank you for all the support you've given me. I'm sorry you are in pain now.
Hang tight, brother.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by chip 
I go to an AA meeting everyday. I'm also worried that I'm "hiding" in the fellowship aspect of AA, and becoming complacent about my step work. I've been working on step 4, but on days like today I have trouble believing that I have a full grasp on step 3. This could be a whole other thread on its own.....
Back to my worries about my stepwork.....
I'm concerned that I'm carrying too much anger, resentment, and self pity around with me. That's why I'm looking to get going on my step work. I'm hoping that if I dive into the AA program much more, stuff like this will get sorted out on God's time.
Back to my worries about my stepwork.....
I'm concerned that I'm carrying too much anger, resentment, and self pity around with me. That's why I'm looking to get going on my step work. I'm hoping that if I dive into the AA program much more, stuff like this will get sorted out on God's time.
Chip, There is your problem right there. And my suggestion, if you are having 'difficulty' with a 4th step, is that you did not have an effective 1st, 2nd or 3rd steps (I actually conclude this by working backward, the 4th not possible without the 3rd which is not really a decision if you are uncertain on the 2nd which you'll never get to without experiencing the 1st). Without them, a fourth step is pretty much worthless, because you are still self-centered. This of course, is my opinion only, and may better be discussed in a separate thread. But the book, which outlines the program of recovery which is the steps, clearly states that situations such are your are miraculously resolved, miraculously - it uses some pretty strong language.
"Our problems are of our own making."
What day of the week you attend meetings 5 years from now? I don't see relevance in that statement, since you don't know where you are going to be tomorrow, none of us do. It is a speck of sand on the largest beach in the universe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Thanks for the support folks.
I feel a bit weird talking about her on an online forum, and I think I'll stop at this point. She is a wonderful mother to our children, and she has some very good characteristics.
This week she hasn't been drinking as much.
I think my resentment towards her drinking is more of a problem for me than her drinking is for her. I've got to stop my self pity trip. I've got to learn to deal with this for my own sanity.
Sometimes it's easy for me to focus on the negative side of things. I've been praying to God to help me with my out look and my attitude. I can't change her, but I can work on how I look at the relationship. Also, I need to work on my defects of character.... they have a negative effect on the marriage as well.
chip
I feel a bit weird talking about her on an online forum, and I think I'll stop at this point. She is a wonderful mother to our children, and she has some very good characteristics.
This week she hasn't been drinking as much.
I think my resentment towards her drinking is more of a problem for me than her drinking is for her. I've got to stop my self pity trip. I've got to learn to deal with this for my own sanity.
Sometimes it's easy for me to focus on the negative side of things. I've been praying to God to help me with my out look and my attitude. I can't change her, but I can work on how I look at the relationship. Also, I need to work on my defects of character.... they have a negative effect on the marriage as well.
chip
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
I don't venture too much past the first 164 but I did find a good story in the 4th edition starting on page 407 titled "Acceptance is the Answer"
It really opened my eyes up to my marital life.
It really opened my eyes up to my marital life.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
chip -
good call - jhust keep in mind - a good many of 'us' arfe basically posting ... about our OWN experience... but youre' integrity ... is admirable.
ps - I possted my answer combined with the 'too many meetings thing... sorry.
good call - jhust keep in mind - a good many of 'us' arfe basically posting ... about our OWN experience... but youre' integrity ... is admirable.
ps - I possted my answer combined with the 'too many meetings thing... sorry.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Chip I assume your sponsor is well aware of what is up, mine has pointed out that any time I have a resentment going to sit down and find what part I am contributing to it. I am not insinuationg you are doing anything wrong that would cause her to do whatever, but there are things you can do to lessen or get rid of your resentment. This would be easier if we were drinking coffee!!! LOL
Chip have you gone to Alanon? Something to think about...... When I was worried about my sons drinking I attended Alanon a bit, but found releif in the steps, speaking with my sponsor, and in chapter 7 of the BB (Sponsor suggested that along with Alanon).
Chip just to let you know an alcoholic can maintain sobriety and be recovered with a partner who is still practicing, my sponsor will have 19 years on the 28th, his wife is still practicing, I have only seen her sober once in a year.
Chip have you gone to Alanon? Something to think about...... When I was worried about my sons drinking I attended Alanon a bit, but found releif in the steps, speaking with my sponsor, and in chapter 7 of the BB (Sponsor suggested that along with Alanon).
Chip just to let you know an alcoholic can maintain sobriety and be recovered with a partner who is still practicing, my sponsor will have 19 years on the 28th, his wife is still practicing, I have only seen her sober once in a year.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Originally Posted by chip
Also, I need to work on my defects of character.... they have a negative effect on the marriage as well.
chip
chip
Is = God removes my defects of character.
Not = God helps me cope with my defects of character, let me work on them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Chip,
The guy I sponsor has all kinds of issues with his ex-wife that he is trying to live with. I cannot be his marrage counslor. However, if the situation of the spouse is alcohol related, I would make the following comment below. This may sound hard core but if her drinking is a problem there are only two options.
A) She gets help.
or
B) It's time to leave.
The number one priority is YOUR soberity. I cannot see living with a spouse that is an active alcoholic, when you yourself are a recovering one.
As you probably already know, when all measures fail, the only thing you can do to save a loved one is by letting them go. Hopefully things get better. Keep using the tools AA has given you to cope, and make the right decision.
Praying helps also.
Tom
The guy I sponsor has all kinds of issues with his ex-wife that he is trying to live with. I cannot be his marrage counslor. However, if the situation of the spouse is alcohol related, I would make the following comment below. This may sound hard core but if her drinking is a problem there are only two options.
A) She gets help.
or
B) It's time to leave.
The number one priority is YOUR soberity. I cannot see living with a spouse that is an active alcoholic, when you yourself are a recovering one.
As you probably already know, when all measures fail, the only thing you can do to save a loved one is by letting them go. Hopefully things get better. Keep using the tools AA has given you to cope, and make the right decision.
Praying helps also.
Tom
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Kansas City Missouri
Posts: 110
Oh wow...
she's obviously suffering from sort of denial/projection disorder. She feels angry and irritable because deep down she knows she has a problem and she is disgusted at herself, which is why she takes it out on you. She might feel a bit resentful because you have found a way out. Please do not let her downplay your recovery, it is amazing. And if you still love her, help her and try to guide her to where she needs to be. You cannot be personally responsible for her recovery, but you can help and probably help yourself at the same time...good luck! :praying
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