Thoughts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 14
Thoughts
It's like I have no control over anything. A constant downard spiral of self loathing and hating. I need and want and crave every single cell in my body desires this substance, and in a never ending cycle of it.
The thoughts in my head revolve around it. More more more more, give me more beers, more shots, more cigarettes, more pain. Give me all of it, I want it all and I never want to stop. I never want to stop feeling this way, all of it. I want to go out and get drunk and never remember any of it. I want to wake up in someone else's bed and not know how I got there. I want to sleep with random women. I want to wake up with bruises and broken nose and never know how it happened. I want to call people when I am intoxicated and make them laugh. I want my family to leave me alone because I can't take anymore. I want to cry drunken and alone of the past. Just let me destroy myself because my apathy is all I have. I never want to come down. This evil side this little demon inside my head constantly urging, craving, you need it to feel normal. You have no creativity without it, no charisma, nothing. Can't even calm down without it. Can't sleep without the nightmares. Can't feel the emotional pain of the past without a few. This evil side, this devil. This voice in my head that never goes away. Killing any self respect and dignity, and hope and goals. (*Note: I don't actually "want" to do those things, it's a description of the influence alcohol has on my thinking)
And that little part of me that is left after these years of abuse, cries out. Knowing that this is not the way. That I am going to die soon if I don't stop. That I had morals, values, and high integrity as a person.
Could have been so much better, and had so much more. I look around me and I have very little, lost every decent relationship with good women over alcohol. Never abused them, physically, but I would say hurtful things when drunk. Never had a DUI, thank god, never drank and drove but for once (never will do that again.) My family doesn't call me, I only see them maybe once a year. Friends, I don't even know that they are friends. I guess they are just other alcoholics there for the drunk. And I realize that everything has fallen apart over and over again for the same reason. Yet that dark side that small voice and that craving. That if only I had a beer, or a bottle, everything would be alright. And I continue to do it. Apathetic as though nothing really matters right now, when in actuality everything matters. And I want nothing more than to kill this addiction. And to recover and change my life. I know that I am ready to do so, because in my mind it has become a matter of life or death. All of my aspirations and ambitions will never come true with alcohol in the picture. And if I am not living towards a goal, then I'm a dying failure.
And over and over again, I think that if I just had something to pour my energy into. A relationship, a close friendship, an overwhelming job. Maybe then I would get better. I just seem to get worse.
Just some thoughts, written the morning after a bad night.
The thoughts in my head revolve around it. More more more more, give me more beers, more shots, more cigarettes, more pain. Give me all of it, I want it all and I never want to stop. I never want to stop feeling this way, all of it. I want to go out and get drunk and never remember any of it. I want to wake up in someone else's bed and not know how I got there. I want to sleep with random women. I want to wake up with bruises and broken nose and never know how it happened. I want to call people when I am intoxicated and make them laugh. I want my family to leave me alone because I can't take anymore. I want to cry drunken and alone of the past. Just let me destroy myself because my apathy is all I have. I never want to come down. This evil side this little demon inside my head constantly urging, craving, you need it to feel normal. You have no creativity without it, no charisma, nothing. Can't even calm down without it. Can't sleep without the nightmares. Can't feel the emotional pain of the past without a few. This evil side, this devil. This voice in my head that never goes away. Killing any self respect and dignity, and hope and goals. (*Note: I don't actually "want" to do those things, it's a description of the influence alcohol has on my thinking)
And that little part of me that is left after these years of abuse, cries out. Knowing that this is not the way. That I am going to die soon if I don't stop. That I had morals, values, and high integrity as a person.
Could have been so much better, and had so much more. I look around me and I have very little, lost every decent relationship with good women over alcohol. Never abused them, physically, but I would say hurtful things when drunk. Never had a DUI, thank god, never drank and drove but for once (never will do that again.) My family doesn't call me, I only see them maybe once a year. Friends, I don't even know that they are friends. I guess they are just other alcoholics there for the drunk. And I realize that everything has fallen apart over and over again for the same reason. Yet that dark side that small voice and that craving. That if only I had a beer, or a bottle, everything would be alright. And I continue to do it. Apathetic as though nothing really matters right now, when in actuality everything matters. And I want nothing more than to kill this addiction. And to recover and change my life. I know that I am ready to do so, because in my mind it has become a matter of life or death. All of my aspirations and ambitions will never come true with alcohol in the picture. And if I am not living towards a goal, then I'm a dying failure.
And over and over again, I think that if I just had something to pour my energy into. A relationship, a close friendship, an overwhelming job. Maybe then I would get better. I just seem to get worse.
Just some thoughts, written the morning after a bad night.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Welcome to SR. Here are some thoughts on your thoughts.
From the Big Book page 24.
I saw many similiarities to the above quotes and myself. I reached out and found A.A. Through the program of A.A. I have been sober for over 5 years. I had made mutliple attempts to quit drinking without a recovery program all with no success. I hope that if you find similiarities in yourself that you seek out a recovery program that works for you. The cravings can and will ease and one day you will wake up and think to yourself WOW, I don't crave alcohol today!
Take care and keep us updated with your progress.
From the Big Book page 24.
The fact is that most alcholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
page 38. Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. he tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jay-walking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language---but isn't it true?
page 38. Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. he tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jay-walking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language---but isn't it true?
Take care and keep us updated with your progress.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
yeap, same here.
I couldn't describe myself better. Acatually you hit on a few pionts that
I didn't want to see. Yet i know it's there.
A glimps of self actaulization.
i've read, reserch for answers. Some say it take around 8 months
for a human body to replace all of the cells in the body.
To pour my energy into recovery and getting sober and staying sober
is what I needed to do. The problem is when I think about it...it makes
me tired as hell just thinking about it.
Yet i'm sick and tired of it all, it too took everything out of me to live
in that insanity.
Even when I first go sober. I too wanted it all..now, now, now.
That instant gratifications runs in my vain.
I had to stop thinking so damn much and just dragges my ass to a meeting.
no dui, no court cards...just, mentally, pyshically, finacially and spiritually
bankrupt.
I set and stair at the walls in AA for months and months.
there were crazy folks in AA too.lol all of the cray talk about
the 12steps and god was just a blurrrr and greek to me.
not totally sure what it is about AA or what in those rooms.
I've found peace in there thou.
I couldn't describe myself better. Acatually you hit on a few pionts that
I didn't want to see. Yet i know it's there.
A glimps of self actaulization.
i've read, reserch for answers. Some say it take around 8 months
for a human body to replace all of the cells in the body.
To pour my energy into recovery and getting sober and staying sober
is what I needed to do. The problem is when I think about it...it makes
me tired as hell just thinking about it.
Yet i'm sick and tired of it all, it too took everything out of me to live
in that insanity.
Even when I first go sober. I too wanted it all..now, now, now.
That instant gratifications runs in my vain.
I had to stop thinking so damn much and just dragges my ass to a meeting.
no dui, no court cards...just, mentally, pyshically, finacially and spiritually
bankrupt.
I set and stair at the walls in AA for months and months.
there were crazy folks in AA too.lol all of the cray talk about
the 12steps and god was just a blurrrr and greek to me.
not totally sure what it is about AA or what in those rooms.
I've found peace in there thou.
Gold Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
Posts: 2,494
We all just start one day at a time and keep going one day at a time. I personally go to meetings because they help me to remember why I don't drink or remind me why I want to stay sober. I never got a DWI either and only drove tipsy a couple of times and just staid home and drank because I could boast that "I don't drink and drive." It's been three years now that I'm sober and sometimes I forget what I was feeling to get me sober. I was afraid of dying (real or imagioned). One day I just asked out loud to "god" to either kill my ass or let me not be afraid any more. Nothing happened,no white light,no angel,no nothing but silence. A thought however popped in my head and that was AA. I had been to AA before and had people suggest it to me strongly,so I got on line to find an AA meeting. And now three years later I'm still sober and do not have that fear of dying. I have my good days and bad days,plus I got outside help as well. I'm pretty happy with my life although I work harder than I ever have before. I still get cravings,but I work through them with help of people in AA. Your life is not lost,but maybe now your drinking life is. I had to surrender to win meaning that I had to really know that alcohol kicked my ass and good. My big thing was taking medication and drinking. Justifying that alcohol is a depressent and I was taking anti depressents,so I was ballancing myself out LOL. Silly me was setting myself to OD that is what i was doing. O the things we do to ourselves while we are in a state of denile. BTU,you'll never kill alcoholism,but it will kill you or harm you. Once I stopped fighting my addiction and gave in,it became easier to fight because I was swimming with the tide not against it. Once you pick up, your fighting up stream again and we all know alcoholism's current is stronger then we are and your going to drown. Today, I am a better mother, person, worker, student all because I put down that beer bottle. I did not get rich,not did I get tons of friends,but I did find the love of my life and am getting married next week. LOL,now I'm getting cravings for champane because I use to love to celibrate with alcohol,not just drink when i was down. I talk about my cravings and laugh about them. I let the feelings wash over me instead of fighting them because I'd become tired from fighting so much,but I know that they will pass and they do. I hope I made sence,if not it made sence to me LOL. One day at a time my friend...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
just can't quit....
vig22,
I have been where you are and so have many other people I know....it didn't work until we found a program of recovery. Mine happened to be AA. I went to the meetings so depressed...everything was a jumble of words but I saw smiles and heard laughter....how could these people be happy and laughing about being alcoholics??? :comfort
Well, I soon found out. I still had to get treatment for depression...first diagnosed when I was a teen. I had to wait for 6-9 months for the diagnosis due to the fact they wanted to be sure that my depression wasn't from the alcoholism.
They waited almost too long but I continued to go to meeings and listened & listened...until I could relate to the topics.
It worked for me and I have been able to live a happy sober life. You can too, if you want to be clean and sober more than anything else in your life. :morning
kelsh
I have been where you are and so have many other people I know....it didn't work until we found a program of recovery. Mine happened to be AA. I went to the meetings so depressed...everything was a jumble of words but I saw smiles and heard laughter....how could these people be happy and laughing about being alcoholics??? :comfort
Well, I soon found out. I still had to get treatment for depression...first diagnosed when I was a teen. I had to wait for 6-9 months for the diagnosis due to the fact they wanted to be sure that my depression wasn't from the alcoholism.
They waited almost too long but I continued to go to meeings and listened & listened...until I could relate to the topics.
It worked for me and I have been able to live a happy sober life. You can too, if you want to be clean and sober more than anything else in your life. :morning
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Vig,
I did not find the 'nature' of my problem in the results of it. If you truly are alcoholic, it is found within, not on the things that happened or didn't happen as a result of it (DUI, arrest, job loss, family loss etc etc etc).
Hope this makes sense. (It does to me and opened a world I didn't think existed, even though people were pointing right at it). I found the root of my problems in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it helped to go through it with someone who was familiar with it (you can note that the book is the basic text of the program).
I did not find the 'nature' of my problem in the results of it. If you truly are alcoholic, it is found within, not on the things that happened or didn't happen as a result of it (DUI, arrest, job loss, family loss etc etc etc).
Hope this makes sense. (It does to me and opened a world I didn't think existed, even though people were pointing right at it). I found the root of my problems in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it helped to go through it with someone who was familiar with it (you can note that the book is the basic text of the program).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Melbourne victoria
Posts: 1,975
How well I remember the " committee meeting in my head every morning, and most of the day !
I too, found recovery in AA, and continue to remain sober
1 day at a time
I was amazed when I read on the wall @ my first meeting, "can restore us to sanity", I thought "you all might be insane, but not me " LOL
How I have a giggle at myself now , the thoughts I used to have were ludicrous !
Now , after 4years, my head is clearer, I havent woken to a "meeting in my head " for a long tme, and i have a measure of serenity .
This too can be yours
Dont pick up 1 drink for 1 day , and you cant get drunk!
I wish you well
HUGX
Leigh
I too, found recovery in AA, and continue to remain sober
1 day at a time
I was amazed when I read on the wall @ my first meeting, "can restore us to sanity", I thought "you all might be insane, but not me " LOL
How I have a giggle at myself now , the thoughts I used to have were ludicrous !
Now , after 4years, my head is clearer, I havent woken to a "meeting in my head " for a long tme, and i have a measure of serenity .
This too can be yours
Dont pick up 1 drink for 1 day , and you cant get drunk!
I wish you well
HUGX
Leigh
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
You know Vig, AA has in the program the steps that deal with the feelings that you have. The 4th step deals with resentments. When doing the 4th step you do a complete moral inventory. If you do it right, the resentments you have can be handled. I know I have been quoting the Big Book lately, but this is a well known quote out of the book that we can never forget...
"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically."
Hang in there Vig. If you are in AA, I suggest you get a sponsor if you do not have one, and start working the steps.
Tom
"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically."
Hang in there Vig. If you are in AA, I suggest you get a sponsor if you do not have one, and start working the steps.
Tom
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