justjo

I havent spoken to my AS for around four weeks. I cut her off after some harsh words she said about my son.
I have felt better but tonight Im wondering 'should I call her' or will I just start it all over again. I want her to know I still care for her but Im finding it hard.

barb dwyer

habit. dont do it. focus on our OWN program.

earthmama

Oooh, that's a tough one. My mom is alcoholic, and I know that feeling of wanting to cut her off, and then questioning it a few days later. It's a crazy push/pull feeling.

Although I've been in AA for a while, I'm JUST starting to deal with that aspect of my recovery. It's hard!! I wonder if you could post on the Friends and Family board for some feedback from a lot of people who have been there?

Good luck...keep coming back

Music

Let's just say, hypothetically, that your sister dies today. Will you wish you'd made that contact? If so, make the contact. You can't do her part for her but you can do your part to heal the situation. There's no guarantee how she'll deal with your contact, but you'll know you've done all you can do. That counts for something.

SaTiT

no...
you know you care, it's good enough. Pray for her, turn her over.
This is about your recovery, not her's. You deserve to get well also.

it's when she cares for herself that will make a different.

justjo

Thanks, It is difficult sometimes. The still wanting to care but the absolute not wanting to be involved.
I got to a point of 'had enough' and the feelings still there. I guess I miss her..and hope shes ok.
It is amazing how much better I feel health wise though.

The Man

very wise words from music man.

justjo

Gee Musicman....My answer at first was 'of course'. Then I thought, I have known her drunk for many years now. I lost the sister I once had. (can see parts of her) I remember her of 35years (baby sis)(5 yrs drunk). See she is out of it most of the time, if I did contact her I guess you made me think that I would be talking to the woman I knew. Make sense? And then I think would she even remember I called.
So sad. If only she could come back.

SaTiT

sorry Jo..

make sense to me Jo
it hard and it hurts.

Tazman53

Justjo I agree with Music for the most part, but I see your side as well.

Seeing her may or may not be good for you, right now this decision is about you and not her! You need to decide what is better for you.

Knowing there is nothing you can do for her, will it be better for you to let her know what she already knows, that you love her...... or better for you to remember her as she was and pray she may find her own way back to sho she was?

Justjo this is now about you and your recovery, what is best for you?

justjo

I'll have to deal with it and think about it a little more. Yes, she knows I love her (I would do anything to see her better) but I know if I continue to be involved in the madness it will destroy me. (my blood pressure has been 160). Not well lately.
Still working 50+ hrs a week, home, kids all that (heck like a robot). It just erks me, it feels like a death in the family and she is still here (make sense).
I thought about texting her mobile "remember I still love ya, see you when your soul yells out"

In the meantime, I definitely know Taz & Satit that my body is telling me no, be happy, so I have to listen hey?

Music

JJ, my concern isn't your sister here. My concern is that you clean your side of the street. There's nothing anyone can do to get your sister to change her behavior until she's ready, but many drunks have died while drunk. You may never have the chance to tell her you love her. She is your sister after all, no matter what. If something were to happen to her and you blow a chance to tell her you love her and care about her, how will you feel when/if she's gone and the opportunity is no longer available to you. People die all the time, leaving behind family and friends who wonder if they could have, or should have done a little more. We never know when a word of action just might be the thing to tip the scales.

justjo

[QUOTE=Music;1572221 We never know when a word of action just might be the thing to tip the scales.[/QUOTE]


Music, what do you mean. Tip the scales.

Tazman53

justjo you know the best advice I can think of is what I should have given from the beginning, turn it over!

Find a place that is quiet and safe, sit for a while until you feel calm and then pray on it, then simply listen, pray more if needed, then listen....... when you get the answer a sense of calm will come over you, that is when you will know what to do that is both best for you and for her.

Joe you say your sister knows you love her, your answer may be that is all that is needed for now.... and possibly for ever, it may be that she may need to hear it again, whether it is to tilt the scales in favor of her seeking help or to simply soothe her soul.

Joe there is peace for you, it is to be found in prayer and meditation, your HP will lead you in the right direction if you let him. Prayer and meditation will lead you to the answer, the answer will bring you peace. The answer will lead you either to action or inaction, but if you are doing your HPs will, it will lead you to peace.

Miss Pink

Ive "cut off" the alcoholic in my life to save my OWN life. Its called detachment.
I simply chose to not engage, witness, or participate in his insanity. We all have choices.....I chose to not submit myself to intense emotional pain and suffering.

The "If she dies tomorrow" projection is, imo, and no offense meant, an emotional manipulation to tear at heart strings and induce guilt.

If my alcoholic had TB, and I chose to detach its because I dont want to get a dreaded fatal disease.....and should he die, am I supposed to feel guilty because I didnt stick around his last days and submit myself to getting sick?

Cleaning one's side of the street can certainly be done without having to be in a relationship with the alcoholic. Utilizing the 12 steps will show you how.

justjo

Pray - I had to ask myself this, How do I pray because I cant remember the last time I did. How horrible. I thought I had all the answers but not this time.

I will try to pray soon.

Music

JJ, I was in the navy, stationed in South Carolina for a couple years. There was an old fella who came to meetings almost every night drunk. He knew the meeting was there. Just wanted to come in and get comfortable and have a cup of coffee. Sometimes he'd fall asleep, but he never bothered anyone so we all just kind of chuckled and let him alone. The group used to give out white poker chips for newcomers and he'd pick one up whenever he was awake. This was in 1986. The last time I talked to someone down there and inquired about the old guy, he had 10 years sober. Tipping the scales means we never know what is said or done that might bring on that "light bulb over the head" momment for someone. Don't give up on your sister. Pray for her and let her know you love her and that's it. Nothing more for now. And again, we never know what the next minute, or the next hour or day may bring and believe me, you don't want anything to happen to your sister, leaving you with the haunting feeling that you wish you'd just said something to let her know you care and love her.

Tazman53

Justjo I would like to share one more thing if I may, I was raised that no matter what may have happened to make sure your parting words with someone you love is "I love you."!

My parents told us the reason behind this was life is fragile and you never want to regret your last words to someone you love.

This lesson was one thank God I took to heart, both my mom & dad died unexpectantly, I was not there, but in my heart I am thankful to know that the last words I ever said to them were "I love you!"

I drill this lesson into my childrens heads, I never want them to go through live regretting their last words to some one they actually loved.