Miss Prufrock

Hi. I have read these message boards many times, and I finally decided to join in on the conversation.

I have a drinking problem. I am 23 and I have had a problem for about two years. I realized it was a problem over a year ago, but I have yet to beat this terrible addiction.

One of the crazy things I've noticed about this addiction is that I feel like I could teach a class about alcoholism, but having all the facts isn't enough. I am naturally a curious person and I read A LOT. I've read all about alcoholism - sciencey stuff, case studies, articles, and tons more. Yet, I am still addicted.

My drinking was pretty bad in my last year of college, because I was depressed a lot and I self-medicated with alcohol. I am a nervous nelly and I worry a lot over things that don't bother most people. I take criticism VERY HARD. Drinking made me forget about that kind of stuff.

Anyways, I started seeing a therapist about a year ago - a grad student at the University of Washington. At that point, I thought that I could learn to be a moderate drinker - he had me reading "Moderation Management". I did the thirty days of no drinking, and I was feeling great. Then, in February, I had a major crisis in my life - I was engaged, and my fiance and I broke it off under very messy circumstances. It was the day after Valentine's Day. He left the house, and I started drinking, and drinking, and drinking for days. I realized I needed to go to the hospital. I went to the ER, and from there they directed me to a detox program - a very nice program. I stayed in a hospital for four or five days, and when I got out I was a super-productive person. I cleaned the entire house - it was spotless. I felt awesome.

But my problem has creeped up again. I used to think that I could beat this thing, but as time goes on, I lose hope.

So that brings me to today. I have been drinking heavily for the past few months. When I stop drinking, I go through mild to moderate withdrawals. Right now, my stomach hurts and is distended, I can't stop clenching my teeth, and my mind is so effing foggy. My body feels slightly numbed and I am incredibly nervous and depressed. I feel rather hopeless right now - like I'm never going to be happy again. I know the pleasure centers in my brain are all messed up, but I can't seem to convince myself that it's a chemical thing right now, I feel so sad.

Luckily, I have someone in my life right now who is really freakin' supportive of me. But, I have a really hard time leaning on people I care about for support, because it is so emotionally draining on a lot of people. I don't want people to worry about me or feel like I'm sucking the life out of them.

Okay, I hope at least one person has made it through this essay and has something to say. I really feel like having a back and forth kinda thing.

Also, I would like to say to Carol that her posts are extremely helpful. She seems very smart and kind.

TINLIZZY

Welcome Miss Purfrock -

You've come to the right place. When I first joined this site, it was strongly, strongly suggested that I not detox at home, that I get a doctor's opinion and some help. Everytime you start and stop drinking, your withdrawals can get worse and it can be dangerous. Please see a doctor.

That being said, think back to when you were sober - you said you were more productive, happier, and healthier. You can have all that again. I'm glad you have someone supportive in your life, but you may need more. Have you thought about a program of recovery - AA, Smart Recover, Women for Sobriety, etc. There are many programs out there which will help you retain sobriety and learn to live a happy and sober life.

Read the stickies at the top of this forum. They were really helpful to me. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing!!

TinLizzy

nandm

Thank you for your post. I am glad you decided to join in. I started questioning if I had an alcohol problem by the time I was 21. Unfortunately I kept finding "reasons" to believe I was not and it took me 15 more years to find AA.
I tried many ways in the meantime to control my drinking. I tried just quitting, moderation, drinking beer instead of hard liquor, just drinking wine, only drinking with other people, only drinking by myself, etc.... Ultimately the result was the same. Even if I was successful at slowing down or "moderating" my drinking I would always wind up back at the place of uncontrolled drinking. During the times I was able to white knuckle my way through not drinking for a period of time I was always miserable and uncomfortable in my own skin. For me it took finding myself in enough emotional pain to try whatever I could to stop drinking and learn how to live life without alcohol. It can be done.
I can not speak about any program other than AA as AA is the one I tried and it has worked for me and many other people like me.
I would recommend speaking to your Dr. as you sound like you are probably having some physical withdrawls when you stop. Unfortunately, this can result in seizures, hallucinations, etc... before it is over for some people. Your Dr. can recommend the best course of action for the physical effects of the alcohol. For the rest of it I would recommend trying AA, it can not hurt. The worst thing that could happen is you go to a few meetings and decide that AA is not for you and try and find another way to stop. Either way you are putting one foot in front of the other to take care of yourself. Good luck with everything. Do hang in there, life does get better.

Miss Prufrock

Thanks for the responses. Yeah, those stickies are very informative. I think I've read some of them multiple times.

I contacted Women for Sobriety. I would totally love to be in an all-women's group. I've heard from many people that women are more successful in an all-woman group. There was this place I wanted to go to in Seattle, called "A Positive Alternative". It was right up my alley. They have an awesome women's recovery center. But, they didn't take my insurance and I woulda had to pay thousands of dollars up front. Sadness.

I'm so freakin' moody right now. I feel completely incapable of happiness.

Rowan

Hi Miss Prufrock,

I'm so glad that you decided to post.

Have you considered AA? There's a young lady here on this board who is a little younger than you, and she attends AA meetings. I go to meetings also, but thought someone a little closer to your age might be a little easier to identify with. I'll see if I can track her down.

In the meantime, I understand self-medicating to deal with depression. It sounds like you've armed yourself with the facts about alcoholism, and don't seem to have any trouble admitting that you are powerless over alcohol. That's a really important first step.

I've also gone through periods in my life alcohol-free, where things were more settled. And it took a crisis of sorts, like the ending of a relationship, where I couldn't handle the strong emotions - feeling rejected etc - that I turned to alcohol for solace. I felt hopeless and that I would never find happiness.

So many people here understand what that's like. I hope it's some comfort to know that you aren't alone.

I hope you continue to post - welcome to our recovery community, we are always grateful to have new members.

Rowan

needtobefree

Hi and welcome and congrats on your progress. Recognising we have a problem is so key eh. The Woman in Sobriety movement sounds very interesting, unfortunately they don't have that where I live. I'm doing one on one counselling with an addiction specialist which is more helpful than I can imagine.

I've been to AA too, and am going to go back (I just relapsed and got back on the wagon again 3 days ago). I just wanted to say - there were loads of younger women there but not trying to push you into anything, I know that makes me run, lol.

It will be interesting to see how you go - I hope to see you around here :0)

Miss Prufrock

Thank you, all of you, for posting. Your comments have been very helpful. I have a lot to think about this weekend.

I will stay in touch.

By the way, needtobefree, I see you are from New Zealand. I just started watching this show "Flight of the Conchords" and it is so funny.

CarolD

Thank you for the kind words...
Welcome!

From my data base on chemistry and the brain...

http://chemcases.com/alcohol/alc-07.htm

No medical insurance is needed for AA
If you have an extra $1 add it to the basket
to help defray cost.
If not....so what? You do not have to.

Please look for a local AA Womens meeting
Why not avail yourself of all options?

Keep posting....Recovery Rocks!

snowgoose

Welcome, Miss Prufrock. A lot of your story is like mine although I was older both when I started drinking and when I stopped. I was a closet drinker and couldn't seem to stop so eventually found that AA worked for me. After I had a period of sobriety, the depression that I had been self-medicating with alcohol came up strongly and I am still dealing with that. So it wasn't just alcohol but it was clear to me that the drinking had to stop as I was disappearing into the bottle. Life has gotten a lot lot lot lot better. I'm not saying it was easy, but it was so worth it.

Best to you from the Snowgoose.

laurenlanai25

welcome!! just wanted to say the longer we drink the worse it gets, and i know not from what people tell me but from my own experience. the first time i quit drinking i was 21 and was a very high bottom drunk, well that wasnt enough for me and i decided to give it another go when i was 25. i had only been drinking for a year and things got so bad for me. if i could take back this last year of my life i would, actually i wouldnt, because it has gottem me to a much better place. but i do wish i could have learned from others experiences because it would have saved me a lot of time and money!! you are in the right place and do check out an aa meeting! alot of places have young peoples meetings too, that just really helped me in the beginning to see i was not the only young person suffering because of alcoholism and i wasnt the only young person trying to change my life!!

chip

Welcome Miss Prufrock,

It sounds like you've hurt enough, and you had your fill of pain. Many of us come here feeling very similar to how you must be feeling. I remember feeling hopeless. I remember bitter dark despair.

For me, my drinking became a heavy burden. It started to choke out all the good things in my life. I had to really suffer before I was ready to give it up.

I'm glad you found us. I hope you will stick with us. I hope you will find some hope and peace. It's tough getting sober, but with every day that goes by it gets easier. Early on, for me, I found hope in the promise that it will get better day by day. Guess what? It did get better day by day.

I hope you will come back and share your feelings with the group here. Together, we can stay sober. I know I need other people in recovery to say sober :-)
peace,
chip

GrouchoTheCat

Hi Miss Prufrock,

and welcome to SR. I have found this to be a place of friends. Friends who understand.

I first got sober at 27. Was sober 5 years and then went through a living hell for about 15 years. Couldn't stay sober for more than about a month of time. In and out of AA. It was really bad. Terrible guilt, remorse and shame and it just got worse and worse and worse. Like a slow slide downhill. I could see where I was going but when drinking I just didn't care.

I have had some stuttering starts this time around. 4 months, 8 months, and today just over 1 month again. Now I have a sponsor in AA, I belong to a group, and I am active in AA. I have been to at least one meeting every day this time.

I really don't ever want to drink again but I only worry about today.

I can only talk of what I have done, and I wish you the best.

Ted

Miss Prufrock

Hi all,
Thank you for all your responses! I will tell you all, I had a small victory this weekend - I did not drink at all. Of course, it's easier to not drink after you've completely overdone it and you feel like complete crap, but you've gotta start somewhere. I feel a ton better today, except I am still a little fuzzy in the head and I feel like I don't have access to all my emotions.

The next challenge will be to not drink this week, because in the past when I've quit for a week, I am in such a good mood and my body feels great, so I feel like I can drink. Not the case! An addiction counselor told me that the worst thing you can do is drink every once in a while. This is a form of "random reinforcement" and makes learning to be sober very difficult. So true! But, it's also true that you have to take one day at a time or you can make yourself crazy spinning your wheels. "What about the upcoming office party?" or "What about the holidays?" etc.

I know that a lot of people would advise me to go to AA, but I just don't have the guts yet. I hear that you have to rehash all the dumb things you've done while under the influence of alcohol. I mean, I'm already ashamed enough without thinking about all my past mistakes.

Essential to my plan for recovery is to start exercising again. I hear it's one of the best ways to fight depression. And I believe it!

To Raven: Yes, I worry about what will happen when a true crisis happens to me. I've never had anyone close to me die or anything tragic whatsoever. Not even a serious hospitalization for anyone in my family. I can't imagine what I'll do when something inevitably happens. I worry that I won't be able to handle my emotions and I will start drinking again. But, that's when you have to take it one day at a time, I guess. Right? Yargh.

To Snowgoose: I am also worried about what will happen after the novelty of being sober for a few months - that is, assuming I can even stay sober that long. But, last time I was sober for a month, I was consumed with dieting and exercising - it kind of became a new addiction for me. It was a way of feeling like I had control over my life - by counting calories and stuff like that. Didn't really think about the hard stuff that made me drink in the first place. But, after a few months of being sober, I will have to take inventory of all these unpleasant emotions I tend to have on a regular basis. Blech.

To Chip: It's hard to believe that things will get better day by day, but it's true. I always feel so silly, being little miss doomsday, sitting at my desk, just wanting to die. "I'll never feel happy again... blah blah blah." I already feel better than Friday, though. Definitely not at 100% emotionally - prolly around 50% just because I sense that I am not experiencing the right intensity of emotion. Wow, how narcissistic does that sound?? Although, at this point in recovery, I really do need to focus on myself. Meh.

Groucho: Wow, I can't imagine being addicted for 15 years. I have already made such a mess out of things in two years! And, I know this sounds dumb, but I can't imagine going to a meeting every single day. I am an introvert and need time to "recharge my batteries" every day. Although, apparently lately that means drinking a ton. Hah.

Thank you again for all your responses. They truly help.