Trusting and alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 2
Trusting and alcoholic
Trusting and alcoholic.
I am not being insulting here. I just don't know any more what is or isn't real. I am often told don't listen to an alcoholic, they/he will lie about anything and hide the truth.
I am really having problems with knowing where I stand, it's very confusing and leaves me feeling insecure. My head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another.
But, I read many posts here and listen to those who say they have been 'dry' for however many days/weeks etc. I read it and at first think thats excellent, well done. Then I try to put this into my own life and problems and I think, what if.. that too (or a percentage of) is also false?
Looking at the situation, you have a board with thousands of members, and so many learning to cope without alcohol. I thought about this and wondered how it would be for someone to post who is still drinking and struggling. Someone who wants so desperately to quit. How would they feel about posting and admitting that they are currently still drinking, or maybe even 'failed' and again can not quit. I just think it must be hard and there must be those who feel ashamed to be honest.
If I can't trust or know what to think in real life, how can I online?
Has anyone else wondered?
Julie
I am not being insulting here. I just don't know any more what is or isn't real. I am often told don't listen to an alcoholic, they/he will lie about anything and hide the truth.
I am really having problems with knowing where I stand, it's very confusing and leaves me feeling insecure. My head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another.
But, I read many posts here and listen to those who say they have been 'dry' for however many days/weeks etc. I read it and at first think thats excellent, well done. Then I try to put this into my own life and problems and I think, what if.. that too (or a percentage of) is also false?
Looking at the situation, you have a board with thousands of members, and so many learning to cope without alcohol. I thought about this and wondered how it would be for someone to post who is still drinking and struggling. Someone who wants so desperately to quit. How would they feel about posting and admitting that they are currently still drinking, or maybe even 'failed' and again can not quit. I just think it must be hard and there must be those who feel ashamed to be honest.
If I can't trust or know what to think in real life, how can I online?
Has anyone else wondered?
Julie
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Hi Julie,
Welcome!
Many alcoholics struggle for a long time to be able to quit. Some get it the first time. It depends on the person and the situation.
You might like to check out the Friends and Families forum on this board where you'll find more information and support.
Welcome!
Many alcoholics struggle for a long time to be able to quit. Some get it the first time. It depends on the person and the situation.
You might like to check out the Friends and Families forum on this board where you'll find more information and support.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
welcome, julie. recovery is a process, and it takes time and hard work - for the person drinking, as well as for the family members and friends affected by the disease. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict and she has been in/out of recovery since last september. i go to alanon meetings and get private counseling - that helps me.
remember this about your friend of loved one's disease - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. that's the 3 c's of alanon. there's a 4th c - and that one is about the choices you have on how you allow the alcoholism to affect you.
when my daughter lies and manipulates - i remind myself that it is her disease talking.
blessings, and keep posting - k
remember this about your friend of loved one's disease - you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you cannot control it. that's the 3 c's of alanon. there's a 4th c - and that one is about the choices you have on how you allow the alcoholism to affect you.
when my daughter lies and manipulates - i remind myself that it is her disease talking.
blessings, and keep posting - k
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Julie what you have been told about alcoholics when they are active is for the most part very true, I was a habitual liar when I was drinking, in order to get sober the first thing I had to do was get honest with myself and the world.
To folks in AA there is a difference between "Dry" & "Sober":
A "Dry" alcoholic is no different than an active alcoholic except they do not drink, they still will lie thier butts off just as much as they did when they were drinking.
A "Sober" alcoholic is honest as the day is long.
There are plenty of "Dry" alcoholics in AA, so all you have is ones word, but just remember actions and attitudes speak far louder then words, so with a little bit of time you will be able to tell the difference between a "Dry" and a "Sober" alcoholic.
To folks in AA there is a difference between "Dry" & "Sober":
A "Dry" alcoholic is no different than an active alcoholic except they do not drink, they still will lie thier butts off just as much as they did when they were drinking.
A "Sober" alcoholic is honest as the day is long.
There are plenty of "Dry" alcoholics in AA, so all you have is ones word, but just remember actions and attitudes speak far louder then words, so with a little bit of time you will be able to tell the difference between a "Dry" and a "Sober" alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 2
I suffer from anxiety, ocd, ptsd etc. I have used alcohol as a form of escapism. I was not addicted in the sense of craving for alcohol, but I was for a while addicted to the psychological belief that it was the only way I could relax, be myself and be happy. I used alcohol to black out my problems.
I also have a relationship with someone who also suffers from alcoholism.
Julie
I also have a relationship with someone who also suffers from alcoholism.
Julie
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Worcester
Posts: 789
Julie,
I relate. Anxiety was a big part of my becoming addicted to alcohol. I used it to cure insomnia and to deal with a stessful profession that I was in. I have since left that profession and alcohol behind. I hope you can find what you need here. Mike
I relate. Anxiety was a big part of my becoming addicted to alcohol. I used it to cure insomnia and to deal with a stessful profession that I was in. I have since left that profession and alcohol behind. I hope you can find what you need here. Mike
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who can not or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. There chances are less than average. There are those too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorder, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."
Big Book page 58.
Honesty and alcohol use do not necessarily mix well. Many times they are like oil and water. But for me to stay sober I have had to learn how to be honest with myself, which in turn forces me to be honest with others. Many times I do not like the leveling of my pride that is the result of taking an honest look at my faults but I know that it is necessary for me if I am to continue to live a sober, happy life.
I hope this gives you a little insight into honesty and alcoholics.
Big Book page 58.
Honesty and alcohol use do not necessarily mix well. Many times they are like oil and water. But for me to stay sober I have had to learn how to be honest with myself, which in turn forces me to be honest with others. Many times I do not like the leveling of my pride that is the result of taking an honest look at my faults but I know that it is necessary for me if I am to continue to live a sober, happy life.
I hope this gives you a little insight into honesty and alcoholics.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Originally Posted by mike_mass 
Julie,
I relate. Anxiety was a big part of my becoming addicted to alcohol. I used it to cure insomnia and to deal with a stessful profession that I was in. I have since left that profession and alcohol behind. I hope you can find what you need here. Mike
I relate. Anxiety was a big part of my becoming addicted to alcohol. I used it to cure insomnia and to deal with a stessful profession that I was in. I have since left that profession and alcohol behind. I hope you can find what you need here. Mike
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Welcome to SR, Julie.
When you get the chance, I suggest you check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum. Also, there is a forum for people who struggle with anxiety as well.
I hope you find some answers and support here. SR has really helped me in my life, and it's helped many others. It's a great place to share and exchange support.
As far as honesty goes, I just assume everyone is telling the truth when we *speak* on SR.
chip
When you get the chance, I suggest you check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum. Also, there is a forum for people who struggle with anxiety as well.
I hope you find some answers and support here. SR has really helped me in my life, and it's helped many others. It's a great place to share and exchange support.
As far as honesty goes, I just assume everyone is telling the truth when we *speak* on SR.
chip
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
Hmmm...
" ...We must never accuse members behind their backs or even to their faces. It's up to them to tell us themselves if anything is wrong... "
July 20, "24 Hours a Day" daily meditation book.
Personally, here on SR I take people at their word.
I know someone in our group who still drinks, but pretends sobriety, but it is up to him to be honest with us. That honesty must come from within for the person to truly change.
If someone is here or in AA , in whatever condition, at least they are in the right place.
Also, there are many here who are honest about their drinking. I only hope that they will be able to become well.
Ted
" ...We must never accuse members behind their backs or even to their faces. It's up to them to tell us themselves if anything is wrong... "
July 20, "24 Hours a Day" daily meditation book.
Personally, here on SR I take people at their word.
I know someone in our group who still drinks, but pretends sobriety, but it is up to him to be honest with us. That honesty must come from within for the person to truly change.
If someone is here or in AA , in whatever condition, at least they are in the right place.
Also, there are many here who are honest about their drinking. I only hope that they will be able to become well.
Ted
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I know someone in our group who still drinks, but pretends sobriety, but it is up to him to be honest with us. That honesty must come from within for the person to truly change.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
maybe this might clear it up a bit.
I'm an alcoholic, i go to AA.
I use to be a drunk, I'm not a drunk today....drunks go to bars or wherever.
I never consider myself to be an alcoholic until I came to AA.
AA actaully is not about learning how to not stop drinking.
I never had a drinking problem, i was quit good at it.
I had a living problem.
What I didn't know how to do was live. I lacked coping skills
and amongs other living tools.
AA is about living and the 12steps is a living program.
AA has giving me sets of tools I can use in my life.
Most improtantly...to live in my own skin.
I can live in my own skin today. i have peace and joy on a good day.
No amount of money, ...people, place, and things can ever bring me the
peace i need. I know that now. I have that peace today. I rely on that
peace from a higher source. Some chose to call it a HP, God, Unconditional love,
my higher self, higher consiciousness.. whatever you term it or belive or don't
belive..it dosn't bother me or i'm not hung up on it.
Why ?? becuase I have peace today. i don't need the bottle or whatever
drugs to cope with living anymore. I needs are filled.
if so...why would I need to ly to you ?
I'm an alcoholic, i go to AA.
I use to be a drunk, I'm not a drunk today....drunks go to bars or wherever.
I never consider myself to be an alcoholic until I came to AA.
AA actaully is not about learning how to not stop drinking.
I never had a drinking problem, i was quit good at it.
I had a living problem.
What I didn't know how to do was live. I lacked coping skills
and amongs other living tools.
AA is about living and the 12steps is a living program.
AA has giving me sets of tools I can use in my life.
Most improtantly...to live in my own skin.
I can live in my own skin today. i have peace and joy on a good day.
No amount of money, ...people, place, and things can ever bring me the
peace i need. I know that now. I have that peace today. I rely on that
peace from a higher source. Some chose to call it a HP, God, Unconditional love,
my higher self, higher consiciousness.. whatever you term it or belive or don't
belive..it dosn't bother me or i'm not hung up on it.
Why ?? becuase I have peace today. i don't need the bottle or whatever
drugs to cope with living anymore. I needs are filled.
if so...why would I need to ly to you ?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hi Julie...
I see 2 parts to your thread.
Can you believe your still drinking lover?
No. He has his personal agenda ...
perhaps he is aware maybe not.
Do we on SR or in recovery programs lie?
Sometimes.
Here is my deal on trust....
1. Trust God to lead me into joy.
2. Trust that AA sobriety is awesome
3. Trust people until they injure me
4. Listen to my gut feelings about people.
Can you quit drinking? certainly.
Are you ready to do the needed change and work?
I do hope so.
Blessings
I see 2 parts to your thread.
Can you believe your still drinking lover?
No. He has his personal agenda ...
perhaps he is aware maybe not.
Do we on SR or in recovery programs lie?
Sometimes.
Here is my deal on trust....1. Trust God to lead me into joy.
2. Trust that AA sobriety is awesome
3. Trust people until they injure me
4. Listen to my gut feelings about people.
Can you quit drinking? certainly.
Are you ready to do the needed change and work?
I do hope so.
Blessings
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: BUFFALO, NY
Posts: 32
Julie,
Your post really made me stop and think. I am sure there are a few bad apples around here and even at meetings. (In fact, I've been at meetings where one particular individual would be talking about her sober time, while everyone in the room could smell the booze coming from her pores.) But I really think these cases are the minority. I've been going to meetings for quite a while now, and I have to say that the people in recovery (taking it seriously and working the steps, not just going through the motions) are the most genuine, sincere, honest people I know. And this is truly miraculous. When we work the program, we grow as people. When we are drinking, we are a selfish lot and lie to everyone (especially ourselves), and not always successfully, to get what we want, but when we start to recover, and be honest with ourselves, that changes. It truly is miraculous. Trust is tough, and I think it takes a little input from head and heart, and maybe a bit of intuition as well, but over time dishonesty has a way of making itself known. Just don't spend all of your time looking for it.
Peggy
Your post really made me stop and think. I am sure there are a few bad apples around here and even at meetings. (In fact, I've been at meetings where one particular individual would be talking about her sober time, while everyone in the room could smell the booze coming from her pores.) But I really think these cases are the minority. I've been going to meetings for quite a while now, and I have to say that the people in recovery (taking it seriously and working the steps, not just going through the motions) are the most genuine, sincere, honest people I know. And this is truly miraculous. When we work the program, we grow as people. When we are drinking, we are a selfish lot and lie to everyone (especially ourselves), and not always successfully, to get what we want, but when we start to recover, and be honest with ourselves, that changes. It truly is miraculous. Trust is tough, and I think it takes a little input from head and heart, and maybe a bit of intuition as well, but over time dishonesty has a way of making itself known. Just don't spend all of your time looking for it.
Peggy
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 1,924
What choices do you really have? Does it matter if you trust anyone when your life is on the line? What do you have to lose if you are dying?
I want nothing from you, but in turn simply offer these thoughts. A piece of paper, pen or a computer and a quiet place would help. At the top write "Choices" and list from most important down. Writing (it), what it is down, makes it more clear for me. Next, make a decision to act on your choices. Finally, act. Let us know how you fare.
Examples
1. Life
2. Sanity
3.
4.
5.
I want nothing from you, but in turn simply offer these thoughts. A piece of paper, pen or a computer and a quiet place would help. At the top write "Choices" and list from most important down. Writing (it), what it is down, makes it more clear for me. Next, make a decision to act on your choices. Finally, act. Let us know how you fare.
Examples
1. Life
2. Sanity
3.
4.
5.
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