?'s from a wife
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: florida
Posts: 40
?'s from a wife
Hi all,
I hope I am not stepping on any toes, I am just so confused and have so many questions.... maybe someone here can help... I have often hopped over to your forum and find you all to be so strong and couragous... congrats on all of your accomplishments, and I pray for your continued success...
My ah and I separated last year when things were just soooo bad that I couldn't live with it anymore
Anyway, he called the other night to tell me that it was the day of his one year date of sobriety... but he is not in any program at all, he just says he's "done with it", he says "it's just not an issue anymore", yet he brings a six pack of non-alcoholic beer with him whenever he comes over to visit the kids, and continues to say "doesn't understand what is happening with us" and that he wants to "move forward and not talk about the past 10 years that he drank", he says "a marriage is 50-50 and that he will not take all the blame for it ending"... basically, he is acting like he's done nothing wrong, or that he has fixed everything by not drinking (?) and now wants to know what's wrong with me...
"Moving forward" for me is recognizing the past, talking about it, working through it, forgiving, and then, starting over, a new found love, respect and understanding of each other... I feel like what he wants would actually be moving backward, back to the way we were, living on the surface, pretending we don't have any problems, and forgetting all of the hurt...
I am so sad and scared and feel like maybe I am asking for too much...
I don't know which way is up anymore...
I hope I am not stepping on any toes, I am just so confused and have so many questions.... maybe someone here can help... I have often hopped over to your forum and find you all to be so strong and couragous... congrats on all of your accomplishments, and I pray for your continued success...
My ah and I separated last year when things were just soooo bad that I couldn't live with it anymore
Anyway, he called the other night to tell me that it was the day of his one year date of sobriety... but he is not in any program at all, he just says he's "done with it", he says "it's just not an issue anymore", yet he brings a six pack of non-alcoholic beer with him whenever he comes over to visit the kids, and continues to say "doesn't understand what is happening with us" and that he wants to "move forward and not talk about the past 10 years that he drank", he says "a marriage is 50-50 and that he will not take all the blame for it ending"... basically, he is acting like he's done nothing wrong, or that he has fixed everything by not drinking (?) and now wants to know what's wrong with me...
"Moving forward" for me is recognizing the past, talking about it, working through it, forgiving, and then, starting over, a new found love, respect and understanding of each other... I feel like what he wants would actually be moving backward, back to the way we were, living on the surface, pretending we don't have any problems, and forgetting all of the hurt...
I am so sad and scared and feel like maybe I am asking for too much...
I don't know which way is up anymore...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Your Husband, IMO, has not recovered. He has quit drinking, that is all. If he continues in this manner, chances are pretty good he'll return to drinking. This is a progressive disease, and next time will be worse.
Have you visted the Freinds and Family forum here ? There's a lot of great women there that have been in your situation, and can help you to recover while realizing there is niothing you can do for your husband.
Have you visted the Freinds and Family forum here ? There's a lot of great women there that have been in your situation, and can help you to recover while realizing there is niothing you can do for your husband.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: los angeles, CA
Posts: 65
I don't believe you have to go to AA to have "recovered".
In any case, I think Marriage counseling is the best bet. A third party with no vested interest one way or the other can give you both an objective opinion as to whether your expectations are reasonable and whether he has done enough to warrant moving forward with the relationship
Good luck
In any case, I think Marriage counseling is the best bet. A third party with no vested interest one way or the other can give you both an objective opinion as to whether your expectations are reasonable and whether he has done enough to warrant moving forward with the relationship
Good luck
Last edited by CarolD; 08-21-2007 at 04:38 AM. Reason: Program Bashing Removed
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
AA is not the only path to recovery, but it is the one that worked for me. That being said, if he is not stepping up to the plate and accepting responsibility for his actions in the past he is not in recovery by any programs standards from what you have said.
What you said here is recovery by any ones standards, my father did this without AA, my brother did as well, for me I needed AA.
Marriage counseling may help if he is willing to step up to the plate and start working on "Moving forward".
I would say to concentrate on you, do you feel you would be happy with him the way he is now? If the answer is no then you need to find out from him if he is willing to work on "Moving forward"? If he is not willing to do so, then you need to decide if it is time for you to be "Moving on" with your life with out him.
"Moving forward" for me is recognizing the past, talking about it, working through it, forgiving, and then, starting over, a new found love, respect and understanding of each other
Marriage counseling may help if he is willing to step up to the plate and start working on "Moving forward".
I would say to concentrate on you, do you feel you would be happy with him the way he is now? If the answer is no then you need to find out from him if he is willing to work on "Moving forward"? If he is not willing to do so, then you need to decide if it is time for you to be "Moving on" with your life with out him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Sugarpup,
I think as females we need to talk through things to get them resolved. You're not asking for too much because it's something you NEED in order to heal, correct? If he's not willing and you need to talk about the unraveling of your marriage (and it wasn't all his fault) then you really have no choice but to look to the future without him and get your spirit stronger.
Best Wishes,
Kathleen
I think as females we need to talk through things to get them resolved. You're not asking for too much because it's something you NEED in order to heal, correct? If he's not willing and you need to talk about the unraveling of your marriage (and it wasn't all his fault) then you really have no choice but to look to the future without him and get your spirit stronger.
Best Wishes,
Kathleen
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Newark,DE
Posts: 404
Sugarpup,
You have to look beyound all the faults, all the past, and look into your childrens eyes, and figure out what to tell them. I'm not saying stay, or go, only you can decide, but there are worse things and an alcoholic husband, as long as he is not abusive and takes care of things. All your babies will know, is that Daddy is not there.
A year is pretty good, I think you should weigh the issues and maybe if all else is ok, give the man a chance. Yes, he may drink again, but then again, his best program may be a loving family around him.
I'm divorced, and dont drink around my boys, who where with me every other week, all summer, just like in times past.
JMHO, my divorce was not related to alcohol, although I did perfect this nasty habbit back then, but I can tell you , when there are kids involved, it sucks!
S
You have to look beyound all the faults, all the past, and look into your childrens eyes, and figure out what to tell them. I'm not saying stay, or go, only you can decide, but there are worse things and an alcoholic husband, as long as he is not abusive and takes care of things. All your babies will know, is that Daddy is not there.
A year is pretty good, I think you should weigh the issues and maybe if all else is ok, give the man a chance. Yes, he may drink again, but then again, his best program may be a loving family around him.
I'm divorced, and dont drink around my boys, who where with me every other week, all summer, just like in times past.
JMHO, my divorce was not related to alcohol, although I did perfect this nasty habbit back then, but I can tell you , when there are kids involved, it sucks!
S
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