bostonluv

Hi there, my name is Kathleen and I am an alcoholic. I have never spoken here and I recently started attending AA meetings. I want to share my recent relapse story to see it in black and white and hope it helps my own recovery.

I quit alcohol for good (I hoped) on May 14, 2007. On July 2nd I relasped badly. The worse I have ever done. My boyfriend came over that night and was none too happy about it. He took me back after my week long binge, which included writing him nasty text messages while I was stoned. I wasn't through yet though. I drank again on July 9th. I stopped by my Mom's house and had a couple bottles of wine with her, called him and drove home. He met me at home and I was already blacked out but apprently told about something I had done during my week long binge - invited a couple guys over and had ........ I didn't go through with it -to me we just "fooling around." I still can't believe I did that. I've never cheated on him before. We've been together over three years.

I woke up feeling peaceful the next day. How sweet he had come by! I immediately texted him that I loved him and wouldn't drink again. I had no idea what I put him through the night before. He wrote me back and said he was through with me and to leave him alone forever. I dealt with it calmly and went to AA meetings. I felt terrible about what I had done and wanted to "work" it off by attending meetings. Can't remember when I started to break down. I couldn't live with myself and what I had done to him. I drank again. This time all day long and got a prescription for vicodin. I harassed him via e-mails and text messages while I was stoned. Swinging back and forth from I love to you, to I hate you. I'm truly a monster when I drink.

Last Friday, I completely lost my mind, took more than several vicodins, drank two bottles of wine and told him I wanted to die. Of course, he talked to me then for awhile to make sure I was okay. But I was just out of my mind. I have no idea if he'll ever forgive me the things I did while I was drunk. I've made too many apologies and told too many lies while under the influence.

A couple days ago I truly wanted to die. I didn't think I could live with myself but I did not drink to numb that pain. Today, I want to live. I have forgiven myself because God has forgiven me. I hope I will never drink again. I am truly a monster when I drink. I ruined my three year relationship in a matter of days. It still amazes me....

Hooner

I understand everything you are saying. I have been there - the year 2004.

I went completely insane, my husband threw me in an ice cold shower.

I had psychosis and woke up with a black eye I have no idea how I got.

I would come out of blackouts down the street --
I hung out with crack addicts - never coming too until later.....

I was on prozac and mixing with aclohol but still it was really SCARY.

Since then I have been working on a program -- rehab, AA, all that. I do think it helps but us addicts get moody.

Just wanted to respond and say I understand what you are going through.

bostonluv

Hooner - Thank you for your response. I need to know that I am not insane. That it's the drink that makes me like that. It helps to know that other people have gone through this themselves. I feel stronger when I know that I am not alone.

baggervance

Hi boston
Im an alcolic.I was a everyday drunk and would end up passed out or in blackout.most here have been through the hell your in It can get better.dont beat yourself up whats done is done you want trust back you'll have to earn it.soberity is as fragil as relation ships are you can blow it in a second.good luck welcome keep posting.

bostonluv

Thank you Karen!

bostonluv

Baggervance - thank you for your response also. I love your quote that relationships are as fragile as sobriety. I never intentionally went drinking to burn down my relationship. It's very important to me. I just wanted to have a couple glasses of wine. A couple turns to eight so fast! It almost feels unfair to wake up the next day sober and have to pay for sins that "another" person did.

Cathy31

Katherine, Cathy here, alcoholic. I totally get you, and I have been there and I can relate. I had a relationship end recently - and I was able to walk away with dignity and I honestly think I have left him thinking 'well' of me - why this is so important to me is that I know in the past I would have done precisely what you did - and I have done that before. Lose my mind, get obsessive, want to die, etc Sobriety is precious. Keep it in the day. It does seem unfair when all we want is a couple of glasses of wine..,but what's mnore unfair is what we do to ourselves when we have to know that one is too little and a thousand is not enough!!!

We have a physical allergy to alcohol and a mental obsession - the physical allergy means that when we pick up we will drink and drink and drink because we aree physically craving alcohol - that's why willpower is not the issue! this is compounded by a mental obsession that 'this time it will be different' - it never is. although i had experiences of it 'sometimes' being ok and being able to put down a drink after 2 (but this was rare and not at the end, and with great resentment, LOL! )and this just fuelled my active alcoholism for the next few years!!

You are in the right place. I can IMAGINE how it hurts re your ex and you feel it's all self induced...just try keep it in the day... you will have time to make amends. for now, nothing matters but your recovery. Get to as many meetnigs as posisble, start the steps, get a sponsor (ask for a temp sponsor in your meeting) - you will see the healing begin. C016 I am so happy for you that you have allowed God's outrageous Grace (and it is outrageous, a poet said that once, I mean we are not worthy of God's Grace, but we get it - in spades!!) to come into your life and forgive yourself. I know I am still battling to forgive myself for past and present...but that will come with the steps.

Good luck KAthleen! you are not alone. And there is a solution.

cathy31
x

tkdan

Hi Kathleen, sorry to hear about your situation. It is amazing the destruction alcohol causes. If it was not the drink causing your behavior then you would have no remorse for what you did and would see no reason to change. It is obvious by your words that you regret what you have done. You sound like you are on the right track. Just remember no matter how bad things may be going they can always get worse if you add alcohol. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, kathleen. recovery is possible. blessings, k

caraway

Thank you so much for your share bostonluv. I'm an alcoholic too and I've done some terrible things that I can't remember. As I've got older I've stayed in the house to drink but when I was your age I did some very regretable things. You sound very sane to me now that you've sobered up. I'm so pleased that you've forgiven yourself, it took me years to do that, infact I think I'm still in the process of doing it, but I don't cringe quite so much now at the things I did. My faith in God is something I have to work on daily. Your honesty will help you, I wasn't as mature as you at 31, there was so much I could face, couldn't cope with and couldn't see. God bless, and hope to read more posts from you soon.

mps101

Thank you for sharing. I can relate with a lot of what you're saying. I have created so many difficult situations with my alcohol abuse. And for the longest time I tried to "fix" them with alcohol. I just made them worse. I understand this mentally but have just recently started really emotionally understanding it. AA meetings have been extremely helpful to me.

I hope you continue to be well. It's really really hard. I have a feeling (hope) it will get easier. But these boards prove that it can be done!!

GlassPrisoner

When I was drinking, I probably would have been on of those two guys....so don't feel bad.

You're only insane if:

A. You keep doing the same things over and over, expecting different results

B. You think you can actually control the final outcome of life around you

C. You tell yourself "It's not THAT bad....everyone drinks. Besides, I didn't like that (job/relationship/situation) anyway.....I won't miss it".

D. You insist that you can do this yourself.

Dragon Dancer

Thanks for sharing your story. I could relate to so much of it. Waking up after a blackout thinking everything is fine. Doing things while blackout drunk and then explaining/making excuses when sober.
Welcome to recovery. I'm new to sobriety too, but so far it's been full of wonder. As the Big Book says "Simple, not easy". Be gentle yet firm with yourself. xoxo

BP44

The Doctor's Opinion sums this up, " Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks....drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an ENTIRE PSYCHIC CHANGE there is very little hope of his recovery." ......This describes me to a T. I chased the dream over and over that I would be able to find that magic formula that would allow me to drink like normal people. That somehow I would be able to figure out a way to control my drinking. Each time failing miserably and promising...never again. In AA I found the solution one day at a time. And here's how I did it today.....I woke up this morning and asked God to help me stay sober today, asked for his guidance and direction, care and protection, I talked to my sponsor, I called a couple of alcoholics and had lunch with one of them. I hit a meeting tonight. And if I don't do anything real stupid over the next 2 hours or so, I'll thank God for another 24 hours before I go to sleep. So far I've got 15 hours of sobriety today. If you woke up before 6:00am today,and you haven't taken a drink, you've got a little more time than me.

BP44

Also wanted to say that if you keep coming to AA more about sanity vs insanity will be revealed. I was insane, and still am to a lesser extent. But it's getting better. it keeps getting better.

bostonluv

Everyone's thoughts, comments and insights on this are very much appreciated. I'm sorry to say, I tried to go to a meeting tonight but chickened out. I like the big crowded meetings where I can sit in the back and listen. I know I need to go to the smaller groups and get to know some people. The first AA meeting I went to was so small I felt so uncomfortable. I kept staring at this man's red shoe and looking at the clock. I wanted to hear what people were saying but God, it's so intimate and that just makes me nervous. I wanted to go back there tonight and couldn't get out of the car.

I tried NA many years ago when I was trying to quit meth and ended up quitting on my own. It was a very hard drug to get off of physically. However, it's not a drug that society looks well upon. It's avoidable once you get your druggie friends out of your life. Alcohol is different, it's acceptable. I know many people who enjoy their wine and maybe overindulge too much upon occasion. They get headaches when they drink too much. I give headaches when I drink too much.

So tomorrow I will try again and maybe just decide to attend the larger ones until I am more comfortable. It's probably better than not going at all. I know I need the help of others this time. I'm not doing this alone. Especially with the boyfriend gone. I already can feel my mind racing at 5:00 - what about one glass of wine or the smallest bottle of brandy at the store? Two drinks that's all I want! Scary. I already know where I'm headed again. Someone posted that one drink is too much and a thousand is not enough. Very true.

Thank you for all the responses. You're amazing people.

barb dwyer

hey boston -

all you have to say is that you just want to listen.
it gets easier.
truly.

bostonluv

I think I found the one for me - at least until I move. It was outside, on a hill top with a campfire and fellow smokers. They grabbed me and loaded me up with phone numbers and books and pamphlets. I felt really a lot more comfortable outside in the fresh air. It's a step study also, which I liked. It was not so touchy feely as when people just sit around in a circle and talk about their lives. Good meeting.

Cathy31

You're on the right track - your horrifying relapse can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you setting you on the path to recovery and a better life than you could even imagine.

cathy31
x

bostonluv

Cathy,

Thank you for both your posts. You are right - God's grace is outrageous. I have not been thinking of my ex or my relapse. Only enough to know I don't want it to happen again. I usually dwell on past things and chew on them until they've lost all flavor. But the meetings and these forums keep me focused on the present here & now and not the past. It's done. I've never tried sobriety like this before. I actually feel hopeful instead of feeling like the other shoe is going to drop. It feels good.