Laszlo

I am struggling to come to terms with a few things.

Everyone I see now (in my eyes) is looking down at me... the alcoholic.
It does not matter that I am trying to stay sober or that I was a functioning (barely) drunk. They look at me as if I am scum and that is how I feel. I wonder if everyone knew (I thought I hid it sooooo well). I just want to get better but can't even face friends or family.. I want to run and hide.. I want to scream at the top of my lungs... F%$# O%% I AM TRYING!

GlassPrisoner

First off, don't worry about what others think. Work on yourself. That siad, it's going to take two thngs to change peoples opinions of you:

1. Time
2. Action/Results - Work a program, consistantly,over time.

Anna

Hi Laszlo,

I understand how you feel. I thought I hid my drinking too and that no one knew. That changed once I was sober and realized that everybody knew. I can vividly remember walking down the street on my way to work and feeling like I had a red A on my coat. The shame was intense. The thing is you have to get past that. If you don't, it'll drag you back down again. It doesn't really matter a hoot what anyone thinks about you. It comes down to what you think of yourself. I have been in situations since I was sober, where people are talking about someone being an alcoholic (not knowing that I am one). It's something I had to come to terms with. It's the reason I come here. On SR people understand and we don't judge. I have come to feel sorry for the people out there who casually judge others, when they don't have a clue what they're talking about.

You are a good person with an awful disease. It's not a character defect. Continue doing what you're doing to stay sober and take care of yourself.

cookconfay

The real shame would be to NOT try to get better. To KEEP on doing crap that's gonna kill ya! As said in the NA book. . .Can't save your a** and your face at the same time. I just felt a big relief that I had crawled back into the rooms one more time and that I was still breathing. So, I guess you could just give everyone the big ole middle finger and feel good that you are saving your life. . .no one else can do it. No one else lives in this skin but me!!!!! This too shall pass!!!

Laszlo

I have my diet ice teas all lined up... going to be a long night. My neighbor just got home.. helped him set up his network at home.. gave him a free wireless router.. got everything going and hoped for a friend.. used again he looked up and didn't even say hi.. nice so I am a bad person. I can feel him looking down at me and am trying figure out why do I care.. 10 years ago when I was 21 I wouldn't have.

GlassPrisoner

Start with AA Laszlo. I abosolutely garauntee you'll find some friendly faces that don't look down on you.

SaTiT

yeap..i remember it well.
i had to drive out to the middle of nowhere so
I could scream at the top of lungs and curse out god too..
An oldtimer took me under his wings.
Not advrasive..but didn't pull any punches either.
pretty straight forward and say it like it is..

a gradtitute list helped me alot.
Didn't think i had anything to be greatful for...
but ya know..i can walk, i can see, i can talk.
when i breath it dosn't hurt.
I had to really, really get down to the basic.
it would really really sucks big ass if i can't play me guitar.
well it sucks now becuase half the time my hand gose numb.
Just little stuff like that ...things i take for granted.


My other temp sponsor is a Doc..he told me
well..there's a lot of crazy stuff that gose on
in the emergency room or at the hospital

Spiritual Seeker

whAT OTHERS think of you is none of your business. It is prob. just your perception anyway cuz you're so down on yourself. Don't worry about it. When we know better we do better. Today you are better. Hold your head up and be proud that you are turning your life around; that's something to be proud of. Recovering alkies go on to have great lives and do great things, be among them.

CarolD

And about AA....
When I finished my formal 4th and 5th Steps
the remorse and shame vanished.

I see this often in my AA group.

The friends I have there are always
understanding and supportive.

Go find the winners over alcohol!

scaryclownguy

I was way more ashamed of the things I did when I was drinking and using, than being sober. I don't what to be one of those so called "normal" people, becuase I'd much rather have this program of recovery in my life.

Peter

"What others think of me is really none of my business" is one of my new philosophies on life, but if you want a more down to earth perspective; the shame and remorse you feel will fade in time and I happen to know that our own intense emotions tend to amplify our feelings of insecurity.

People are usually too proccupied with their own problems to spend too much time worrying about ours and if your family members really are judging and gossiping , then you can at least be content that you have provided a little bit of entertainment to someones cold and dull existence.

AcceptingChange

be careful how you interpret people's day to day interactions.
one of my neighbors (a family) don't talk, they scowl.
But some of the others are nice.
I was getting my lawnmower fixed by a different (friendly) neighbor,
and he said "That (other neighbor) never talks. He just drops off his lawn mower and scurries out."
Like GlassPrisoner said, fahgetabout'em, and be a friend to yourself.

Joi

I'll tell you what my mother said to me, "no one ever choked to death on pride."

collinsmi

Me too, those were horrible times!

karrotop

Hi....we all know about the shame.....but my daughter told me,when i was still drinking,"Mom,there's no shame in having a problem with alchohol..the shame comes from knowing you have a problem,and NOT doing anything about it"...smart kid i have! she is so proud of me now...and,although it is hard some days to stay focused,I am proud of myself too....soon,you'll be able to look people in the eye too,and feel proud.....don't worry about what others think of you.....your opinion of yourself is all that matters right now.....KT

Tazman53

First things first, more then likely if any one is looking at you it is because they are thinking something like "Hey he looks better then the last time I saw him."

Now more importantly, do you want the pain, guilt and shame to stop?

I have found a solution to the pain, guilt and shame and what is great about it is you gain more friends then you can shake a stick at.