timetochange

Hi,
I've been on this website before and I received such good support. I don't know why I stop reaching out, or why I allow myself to go back to old patterns or behaviors.
My mind and my soul is in such knots and chaos right now, I can barely function. I have friends and family that I could reach out to for support, I know that. Actually there are some that wish I would and would welcome it. But I'm so tired of telling the same story, getting the same advice, feeling good for a day or two and then ignoring the advice and go back to making the same mistakes. I love these people but I'm tired of hearing myself talk and cry and complain about the same old things.
I know I have a drinking problem. I am in counseling for it, as well as for other issues in my life. It is helping, she is great, but one hour a week just doesn't cut it.
I am a mother of two beautiful, wonderful little girls and I worry so much about how my drinking and behavoir is affecting them. My boyfriend of 3 years just got "tired of all of it" and walked out and didn't come back. This is not the first time. He was like a father to them, he claimed to love them. He's been very concerned about my drinking and I tried, and some weeks I did really really well. But he claims he can't live with having to check my breath every night. I refuse to blame myself completely. He handled it wrong. He's left before and he has some female who keeps letting him into her life, and it lasts for maybe a week, or tops a month, and then he comes back to me because I promise to be all that he wants to be, and bottom line, he wants to be with ME, he just can't handle all the ********. He goes to her to help him get over me, and "move on"--he doesn't have any friends, and he can't be alone. I guess he feels he wouldn't have the strength to stay away from me if he didn't have her to occupy his time. Anyway, there I go focusing on him and his issues instead of my own. It makes me sick that he just can't go and grieve our relationship, like i have to do, every day, with my feelings and my children. And its that frustration, and that jealousy I guess you could call it, fueled by my drinking that just makes me act like a crazy person. I must have called both of their phones las night about 100 times, screaming and carrying on. It was like i just couldn't help myself. I was hysterical. he and I had a conversation where I just poured my heart out to him. I cannot be with him, I know that and I told him that. then she walks in the door and his whole tune changes and he tries to say that he was trying to get off the phone with me. I"m sorry but that was a boldfaced LIE and it made me go nuts. I want her to see that it's ME he loves, that she is second choice and he will never be happy with her. SEE? See how crazy I get? We've been apart for 2 weeks and I had about 10 days where I felt GOOD. I drank, I'll be honest. I missed him, my heart was so sad that we couldn't be together and that he handled it the way he did, but I felt positive that this was the direction that my life had to go in. That I would work on myself and enjoy some independence and focus on me and my kids and my career and my friends. but one night a few days ago, that feeling started to disappear and I was hurt, jealous, guilty, pissed off, and my crazy behavior began. I sit here and I say to myself' "what do you want?". I love him, but he has things about him too that I'm not sure I want to live with. I guess I just want things to go back to the way they were, when we were so much in love and accepting and helping with our faults. We are different...I'm social and outgoing, I love friends and people--but I tie a lot of that into mydrinking--he's not social and awkward in social situations. Whatever. I know we can't be together, but I just want him to be alone and grieve our relationship and not be with someone. Even for just a little while. He deceived me. He called this girl before he left. i saw it on his phone records. that is intolerable to me. It brings on my "crazies". The fact that he was capable of deceiving me like that when I thought he loved me. then I say well, I deceived him, I lied about my drinking constantly. I don't know. I know its not about him. It can't be. I need to let go. I want to let go. Things have gotten to a point where we can never be together. I wonder if I just want to hear him say that he will always love me blah blah blah. But he's right b/c he says whatever he says won't be enough, it won't be right. Hearing him say that will only sadden me and make me want more. What is wrong with me? I am falling apart. I am obsessing. I can be the most normal, strong, positive woman and then it's like a switch flips and I cannot control my behavior. I am not drinking at this moment, but yet I'm teetering on calling him or her again and losing my mind. And I know that is so irrational. It won't help anything. I want to be here for my kids. I feel they are losing respect for me. How can I expect them to handle difficulties in their life in the future with grace and dignity when I can't even role model that for them? I want to stop thinking about him. I want to stop thinking how my drinking has ruined this relationship with this man who loved me like I've never been loved before. The regret and the hurt is unbearable. Yet, if it wasn't my drinking, maybe something else about me would cause him to leave. Maybe he didn't really love ME for keeps, because doesn't true love sustain through the good and bad times in life?

I need to stop drinking. I need to recover. I wish I could BUY peace of mind and positive thinking, and good feelings and SELL my shame, hurt and regret. I don't know how to get rid of the bad and the hurt. I drink to make it go away. I drink to make boredom go away. I drink to have an escape. I drink when I'm happy, I drink when I'm sad, and when I'm mad.

this is so long and whoever has taken the time to read it all and try to make some sense out of it, I thank you. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't get past a few good days of not drinking, or good feelings. Once I allow the bad feelings or the crazies, I just lose it, and nothing is sacred. I truly feel I am going crazy. But I can't. There is too much good in my life. My children, my home, my friends, my family, my career, my dog, I just started my master's degree. I am NOT the person that I am acting like, if that makes any sense. How did this happen to me? I've been to AA meetings, maybe I need to try it again. I want to be me again.

Peter

You are right. Drinking is not going to make your pain go away.

For whatever reason your b/f left you I am sure the drinking had a lot to do with it.

Your heart is broken and you feel like you will die but you will not. When you take some time to grieve your loss you will eventually see that people will fall in love but then people can also "fall out of love" with us too. People come and people go. It is a fact of life that we learn to accept and move on.

I am sorry for your pain and wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

Call your counsellor and see if you can arrange more than one meeting a week. Try AA meetings, try anything but trust me on this. IF YOU PICK UP A DRINK NOW YOUR PAIN WILL ONLY GET WORSE.

Focus on yourself and your kids. You sound like you have a future ahead of you. Don't waste it because of alcohol.

Drinking is the number one concern in your life right now and you need to focus a lot of energy on dealing with that.

Good luck to you and keep posting.

finally

timetochange, it sounds like you have a lot of good things in your life. IMHO, if you just work on solving your drinking problem the situation with your boyfriend would work itself out or at least you would be able to view it more clearly.

I think it's a good thing you're writing here, trying to make sense of your life.

came2believe

Hi sweetie,
This hit pretty close to home for me. Relationship problems were a big part of my drinking too. I'm also a mom of two. I did not seek recovery until nearly 18 months ago. Every day I struggle with how my drinking has affected my kids, however they now know there is hope and recovery through AA! They have come with me to meetings, etc. I grew up with alcoholism too and my parents did not seek recovery. So -- "progress not perfection"--

The thing is, you've got pretty big problems of your own right now. Your drinking being the #1 thing. I couldn't deal with any of it while I was still drinking. So i would focus on that. Your recovery comes FIRST. The relationship may survive, it may not, but YOU need to survive and to do that you need to recover. So, may I ask, have you had enough yet? Has alcohol kicked your arse hard enough? Are you willing to go to any lengths this time?

Peter's right, no problem's so bad a drink won't make it worse.

Sometimes the world outside us doesn't seem like a pretty place to look. Those who we feel should support us are being impossible. The thing is, there are lots of pretty amazing things to see, true, honest friendships to be have. The rooms of AA brought those things to me. Not all at once like I wanted them to but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Hope that all made sense.,
xo
Fellow alcoholic mom to two
(((hugs)))

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

Your story sounds very familiar to me...

If you want your life to be better, REALLY better, please speak to your therapist and get yourself to another meeting. I'm not saying anything bad won't happen when you get sober, I'm just saying that "the crazies" go away so that you can deal with whatever is happenening.


Keep posting!!! I'm thinking about you!

karen

CarolD

Mega Hugs....

I too wondered what happened to the strong smart and funny me
How did I wind up a crying clinging emotional mess?

Ah ha....my mind was saturated with alcohol.

Once I finally quit drnking , I was restored to sanity.

This can be true for you too...
I see AA miracles in each meeting.
and daily in my mirror.


Please check out the AA winners!

ghostgirl

hey honey...

i'm so sorry you're going through this pain. i, too, get a case of the crazies about my ex, although not as often. my case of the crazies has not resulted in screaming or anything, but the feelings are there.

something someone said recently really hit home for me... he said that when he starts to feel anger/resentment/pain because something doesn't go his way, its just a case of self centered fear.

and that really sums it up. i'm an alcoholic, and there are days that i could just climb the walls, having to feel the pain. and when i think that maybe my ex has moved on (its been almost two months now) i keep reminding myself that my case of the crazies is self centered fear, and that i am POWERLESS over what he does, thinks, or feels... and that helps to ease the crazies a little. i know that good things will come my way... i don't know what they are exactly, or when, but the goodness of the universe has not let me down, no matter how crazy i've been.

and if i were drinking, i'd be ACTING on the case of the crazies.... calling, driving by, asking so and so, trying to be sly... sticking my nose where it doesn't belong.

honey, i know you know this, but give sobriety a try. straight up sobriety, and try a.a. when you find yourself on a spiritual path, the crazies will be easier to handle. i know you love this guy, and you seem to understand that its time to let him go. you never know where life will lead you, and if you give up your drinking, i'll bet you that it will be someplace 100 times better than the painful crazies that seem out of control. and regarding the bf, you are POWERLESS over him. let it be. breathe. do your thing. you don't really know what goes through his head/heart.


step back and ask yourself what makes you feel so crazy... usually it is something that we have no control over, and trying to control/figure it out only makes it worse. and fear is usually at the base... the driving force... fear that we're not good enough, fear that we won't be loved the way we want, fear of so much.

((()))

gg

St_Kurt

The good news is that you can. Prayer is the cost and serenity is the currency.

I hear the prayer/serenity to alcohol/cash exchange rate is really good too.

Not to sound glib, but I guess what I'm saying is prayer is the only thing that's ever solved this problem for me. Really well put though - very eloquently stated Timetochange.

~SK~

GlassPrisoner

"A Spiritual Awakening" (pg 567 pg the Big Book) mentions the word change (or a derivitive of the word change) over a dozen times in the first two paragraphs.

Think Bill W was trying to make a point ?

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

dystopia

I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
I think you need to resolve the drinking problem first and foremost beacuse thats the root cause of your pain...even if he wasn't seeing someone else there would be some other niggling doubt you'd sieze upon and exaggerate - that's what happens when alcohol makes you anxious
I hope things get better soon

teej

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Believe me, I know what you are saying. I would start by seeing your doctor and trying out some antidepressants, they have helped me a ton. He can also prescribe something for you to get you through your first couple weeks of getting off the booze. then the antidepressants will be working like they are supposed to (it takes a couple weeks to get the right affect).
I will put you in my prayers girl, hang in there and take all the advice that these fine peeps give you k?

tryingtolive

Growing up, I was the most popular kid in class. Everyone wanted to be my friend. Girls used to chase me around the playground and try to kiss me. People of all ages were drawn to me.

Started using early in high school. Things are much different now. People are turned off by me and don't want to be around me at all. And if they do, I feel that they are just feeling sorry for me and hanging out with me out of pity. Like you were CarolID, my head is a mess cognitively and emotionally. Got to have hope though!!

parentrecovers

thinking about you, and sending hope and encouragement. blessings, k