Still believing
Been there and done.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Still believing
I posted on another thread and realized that I joined this forum two years ago. Two years ago. Can't believe it is that long ago. And no, I have not beaten this thing yet, but I feel that I am turning the corner in a new way. Time will tell whether this is the time.
I don't plan on telling my "story" as I haven't made it a year sober yet. I will wait until then for the full Andrew Tale.
Suffice it to say, I have had a tough time the last seven months or so. I took a job that necessitated living apart from my family for much of the time. This will pass and we will be together fulltime soon, but it has been very tough. I felt between a rock and a hard place: being away from my family or being under-employed. So I left.
I have felt very much alone in a far city and miss them desperately, and turned to booze for solice. Two binges a week or so. Totally stupid.
Funny thing though, even when hung over the next morning, part of me was clear. I heard this voice inside of me saying more or less "Andrew, you are taking a situation that is difficult and making it nearly impossible." Guess that's the old HP. There really is a voice there sometimes, a voice that distills all the wisdom that you have gotten from others as well as learned yourself. That distillation of wisdom is what the higher power means to me.
It's beem a week since my last binge. 5 days since my last drink. I was not so recently addicted that it is especially dangerous for my health, although past attempts certainly showed me the risks (high blood pressure, confusion, tremors, etc.). I know about the water, juice, vitamins sleep, nutrition, sleep hygiene and all that other good stuff.
Also, I have learned enough about myself and on this forum to be on guard for the emotional fall-out (anxiety, tension, short-temper) and keep myself on a close leash so people around me don't suffer. I know tempers can flare easily. I know to bite my tongue.
In recovery I believe in the "take the best, leave the rest" philosophy, and have gotten much from AA literature and to a certain degree its fellowship. There is a great deal of wisdom and practical advice in the Steps, how much of them you take is up to you. In terms of the AA org, truth be told I am at the end of day a very solitary agent in life -- with the exception of my family -- so fellowship does not come easily, although I am envious of those for whom it does.
In addition to AA have have gotten some value out of the SMART recovery folks, and from counseling from a psychologist. I believe in talk therapy -- with or without AA -- but I am leery of antidepressents and anti-anxiety drugs as I see that as slowing down progress.
I dont think one has to be very rigid about this approach or that approach. I see it all being able to work together to aid recovery if you let it.
I don't want to say much more right because I don't think I have enough time under my belt to warrant any "lessons learned", I just wanted people to know that I am still out there, still believing in my ability to achieve recovery, to get my life back. Maybe some others in similar circumstances will also continue to believe.
I will check in later. Thanks for reading.
I don't plan on telling my "story" as I haven't made it a year sober yet. I will wait until then for the full Andrew Tale.
Suffice it to say, I have had a tough time the last seven months or so. I took a job that necessitated living apart from my family for much of the time. This will pass and we will be together fulltime soon, but it has been very tough. I felt between a rock and a hard place: being away from my family or being under-employed. So I left.
I have felt very much alone in a far city and miss them desperately, and turned to booze for solice. Two binges a week or so. Totally stupid.
Funny thing though, even when hung over the next morning, part of me was clear. I heard this voice inside of me saying more or less "Andrew, you are taking a situation that is difficult and making it nearly impossible." Guess that's the old HP. There really is a voice there sometimes, a voice that distills all the wisdom that you have gotten from others as well as learned yourself. That distillation of wisdom is what the higher power means to me.
It's beem a week since my last binge. 5 days since my last drink. I was not so recently addicted that it is especially dangerous for my health, although past attempts certainly showed me the risks (high blood pressure, confusion, tremors, etc.). I know about the water, juice, vitamins sleep, nutrition, sleep hygiene and all that other good stuff.
Also, I have learned enough about myself and on this forum to be on guard for the emotional fall-out (anxiety, tension, short-temper) and keep myself on a close leash so people around me don't suffer. I know tempers can flare easily. I know to bite my tongue.
In recovery I believe in the "take the best, leave the rest" philosophy, and have gotten much from AA literature and to a certain degree its fellowship. There is a great deal of wisdom and practical advice in the Steps, how much of them you take is up to you. In terms of the AA org, truth be told I am at the end of day a very solitary agent in life -- with the exception of my family -- so fellowship does not come easily, although I am envious of those for whom it does.
In addition to AA have have gotten some value out of the SMART recovery folks, and from counseling from a psychologist. I believe in talk therapy -- with or without AA -- but I am leery of antidepressents and anti-anxiety drugs as I see that as slowing down progress.
I dont think one has to be very rigid about this approach or that approach. I see it all being able to work together to aid recovery if you let it.
I don't want to say much more right because I don't think I have enough time under my belt to warrant any "lessons learned", I just wanted people to know that I am still out there, still believing in my ability to achieve recovery, to get my life back. Maybe some others in similar circumstances will also continue to believe.
I will check in later. Thanks for reading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Andrew,
Welcome back, brother.
You were here when I started here. Thanks for posting again.
I see hope in your post, and I believe that you can achieve recovery. It sounds like you are learning and growing in your journey.
Taking what you can is a good way to go. I hope you can grab the parts that will keep you sober. Stick with us Andrew. You can stay sober one day at a time. As you know, posting will help you out.
I hope we keep hearing from you.
chip
Welcome back, brother.
You were here when I started here. Thanks for posting again.
I see hope in your post, and I believe that you can achieve recovery. It sounds like you are learning and growing in your journey.
Taking what you can is a good way to go. I hope you can grab the parts that will keep you sober. Stick with us Andrew. You can stay sober one day at a time. As you know, posting will help you out.
I hope we keep hearing from you.
chip
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
the good thing about 12 step meeting is that when I see someone who has recoverey it makes me want it so I keep goin' back cuz it works when I work it.
isolation is part of the problem and pure will power doesn't seem to work for most. Good to hear you are evaluating options. You can only change what you acknowledge (step 1) Best wishes in your journey to put down the bottle.
isolation is part of the problem and pure will power doesn't seem to work for most. Good to hear you are evaluating options. You can only change what you acknowledge (step 1) Best wishes in your journey to put down the bottle.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome back, I am fairly new here but seem to have a very big mouth as a result a lot of post. Sounds like you are beginning to address things that need to be done to stay sober. Could it be that you have not totally commited yet resulting in the binges?
Do you know the signs to look for in your self before you binge? If you don't maybe start keeping a personal daily journal putting down in writing what is going on in your head that way you will see a pattern and be able to change something when you see your self working on a binge.
Taking what you need and leaving the rest is the way most successful recoveries go. Perhaps once you see that binge in the works you could go to an AA meeting, or call some one in AA, maybe find another activity that will steer you away from that binge. If you learn your triggers you have won half the battle.
Do you know the signs to look for in your self before you binge? If you don't maybe start keeping a personal daily journal putting down in writing what is going on in your head that way you will see a pattern and be able to change something when you see your self working on a binge.
Taking what you need and leaving the rest is the way most successful recoveries go. Perhaps once you see that binge in the works you could go to an AA meeting, or call some one in AA, maybe find another activity that will steer you away from that binge. If you learn your triggers you have won half the battle.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
Welcome Home Andrew!!! I have only been back in AA for a couple of months. This time seems different, feels different. I have a sponsor fo the first real time. We sat down last night and did some more work on the first step, primarily my drinking history. Soon we will work on looking at unmanageability...I'm still working on an unmanageability list...long it is I can tell ya. Even though my last drink was in 2005, i was on a major dry drunk, and I'm going to take his suggestion to pick a new sobriety date close to when I came back in AA toward the end of March 2007. Surrender, willingness, honesty, and openmindedness is what I'm living on right now. I can remember hearing "take what you need, and leave the rest" when I first landed in treatment in 1991. What I didn't hear was that I might not know what I need. Being guided by another alcoholic is the only hope for me. Glad your here, and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Newark,DE
Posts: 404
Welcome back Andrew,
I remember you from when I started here, You're not alone, I'm another one that keeps trying, keeps learning, keeps hoping this will be the time.
Dont give up, there is not a lot of hope in any of the alternatives.
S
I remember you from when I started here, You're not alone, I'm another one that keeps trying, keeps learning, keeps hoping this will be the time.
Dont give up, there is not a lot of hope in any of the alternatives.
S
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Welcome.
Don't give up
I have noticed that when I "want" to isolate and shut down, that is the very time I need to interact with other alcoholics the most. To me the easiest place to find other sober alcoholics is within the rooms of AA. And I do take what I like and leave the rest... every time.
Stick around!
Don't give up
I have noticed that when I "want" to isolate and shut down, that is the very time I need to interact with other alcoholics the most. To me the easiest place to find other sober alcoholics is within the rooms of AA. And I do take what I like and leave the rest... every time.
Stick around!
Been there and done.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
One thing I neglected to mention in my initial post: that this forum is a wonderful source of wisdom and inspiration and strenth.
An additional point of clarification: that I am not at present in an isolating mode. I certainly know what that social hibernation instinct feels like, know how dangerous it is...that's not where I am at right now. The fact that I am on a path that leaves me more often than some on a solo path to clarity is rather part of the recognition of who am.
An additional point of clarification: that I am not at present in an isolating mode. I certainly know what that social hibernation instinct feels like, know how dangerous it is...that's not where I am at right now. The fact that I am on a path that leaves me more often than some on a solo path to clarity is rather part of the recognition of who am.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Don't feel too bad Andrew, look at my start date here, over 5 years now!!! I still continue to struggle. Pot is my primary DOC but I continue to drink about like you. I'm clean from pot for close to a month now, and that is an acomplishment I am proud of, but I know in my heart that the drink has to stop too. Stick around. One thing I know is that I seem to do better when posting here than when not. I'm not a "meeting" person, not that there's anything wrong with that (quick nod to Seindfeld!!). This is a wonderful resource and I am eternally grateful for it. There seems to be a lot of "drama" around here lately, but I've been around long enough to know it comes and goes. As for me, I'm sticking around, I know it's good for me!!!
Good to see you back Andrew!! I always found your posts interesting and informative. If you haven't, check out the Secular Connections forum. Good stuff there. Take care bro. Keep fighting the good fight!!!
Good to see you back Andrew!! I always found your posts interesting and informative. If you haven't, check out the Secular Connections forum. Good stuff there. Take care bro. Keep fighting the good fight!!!
Been there and done.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: West Coast North America
Posts: 269
Thanks for the kind words, Tyler. I will probably be posting some updates to this thread from time to time over the next few weeks or so.
Good luck with getting off the pot. Having done a lot more thinking about addiction over the last few years I clearly see now that pot was a problem of mine in high school and even a bit after that, that cast a shadow over my life in terms of motivation, insight and growth. Pot is clearly less deadly than booze but very damaging nonetheless. Good luck.
BTW all,
I am now 8 days since my last drink and 11 since my last drunk. Can't remember ever having done that in recent memory...
Good luck with getting off the pot. Having done a lot more thinking about addiction over the last few years I clearly see now that pot was a problem of mine in high school and even a bit after that, that cast a shadow over my life in terms of motivation, insight and growth. Pot is clearly less deadly than booze but very damaging nonetheless. Good luck.
BTW all,
I am now 8 days since my last drink and 11 since my last drunk. Can't remember ever having done that in recent memory...
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Good to see ya again Andrew. Well I finally decided to address my problem drinking. It's been four days now and almost 30 for the pot. I even decided to go to an AA meeting last night, unfortunatly aparantly, I was the only one who made that decision!! In the past I would have let that be an excellent excuse to drink or smoke, but I just shrugged it off, came home and hung out here for a bit. Gonna try again on Wednesday.
I too find SMART helpful, and would happily attend meetings if they were available in my area. Unfortunately AA is pretty much the only game in town. There are a couple of NA meetings, but they are a bit of a drive, so AA it is. Gonna give it a fair shot this time. I also see a theripist weekly. I guess I'm really trying now.
BTW, congrats on your 8 days...I'm chasing you!!! Take care bro!!
I too find SMART helpful, and would happily attend meetings if they were available in my area. Unfortunately AA is pretty much the only game in town. There are a couple of NA meetings, but they are a bit of a drive, so AA it is. Gonna give it a fair shot this time. I also see a theripist weekly. I guess I'm really trying now.
BTW, congrats on your 8 days...I'm chasing you!!! Take care bro!!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Congrats on the sober time to the both of you.
Tyler I have to assume you live in a small town if no one showed up for an AA meeting! LOL
I live in Fredericksburg which is not a huge city and we have (Last Count) 63 meetings a week at all hours.
Tyler I have to assume you live in a small town if no one showed up for an AA meeting! LOL
I live in Fredericksburg which is not a huge city and we have (Last Count) 63 meetings a week at all hours.
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