nanita

I'm making myself accountable to all of you as a means of helping myself start over again. Have had plenty of excuses to wait until this week to stop drinking AGAIN.

Spent a long weekend in Wyoming getting my mother out of the nursing home from her three week stay resulting from acute alcoholic hepatitis. She remembers absolutely nothing about her near-death experience, doesn't remember my kids and grandkids being there, doesn't remember my sister being at her house (for 5 weeks), nothing! Scared the hell out of her and I hope it has scared her sober. We'll see. You'd think that would provide incentive for me to not drink, but for whatever reason, it doesn't.

Anyway, broke a bone in my foot (no, I wasn't drinking) and have been in a cast for a little over a week now. Somehow, that was an excuse, too. But - I told myself that when the mess with mom was over, I'd again get sober, this time for good. Yesterday, I tapered off a bunch and have just enough booze left to hopefully get me over the last of the withdrawals today. There's not much, so will have to be very careful to only have a little to get me over the shakes, etc. without reaching a danger point. Will try to nap and kill a couple hours that way and otherwise keep myself busy within the limits of the stupid broken foot! I'm supposed to stay off of it for four weeks, so.................

I'll be very embarassed if I have to come back and tell you I didn't make it, so please make me accountable to you! Wish me luck!

Pilgrim

From what I have learnt through starting and stopping, you need to set up support in advance. Medical help is the first step so you need to tell a doc you want to stop. Sorry to hear about your foot. Ouch!!

BP44

nanita, my suggestion is if you feel you can't stop without significant withdrawls, go to the hospital and let some professionals detox you. I was a little over two years clean when my Mom landed in the hospital in March. I wasn't in recovery though. Hadn't been to a meeting in years. Watching her moan and twitch and shake was a horrible sight. And it scared the living hell out of me. Initially for her, but in honesty it scared the living hell out of me for my own disease. That's when I returned to AA. I have an alcoholic mind that wants to minimize the severity of my disease, and getting involved in a home group and getting a sponsor is leading me to finally get into some real recovery. I have been trying it BP44's way since 1991 after landing in a treatment center for the first time, and have tried everything but following all suggestions given to me. This time I'm in it for my own ass. My last drink was 2/6/05, but I'm one drink away from being drunk. I'm in the middle of working a complete, thorough and rigourous first step with my sponsor......a first REAL first step. I hope if you have a desire to stop drinking that you can make those first steps to getting back into the program. But then again, if you still hope you can drink, then I hope it for you. This alcoholic is hopeless in that regard. Hope this helps

Tazman53

nanita I wish you all the luck in the world this time.

First if you are suffering from withdrawals you need to see a doctor, every time an alcoholic detoxes the withdrawals get worse and they can kill you.

I will be very honest nanita and say that there is no way in Hades I could have gotten or stayed sober relying strictly on SR. I can also honestly say that even though I would miss the folks here, that I am confident that AA alone would be more then enough for me to maintain my sobriety.

There is a huge HUGE difference between anything done in the cyberworld and that done face to face!

If my arse would on fire for a drink at 3:30AM and I posted I needed to talk to some one on SR and no one was around to reply what would I do?

Now in AA I have a network of people I can call any time of the day or night, if one of them does not answer I simply call another one.

Nanita when it comes to accountability for me cyberworld ain't it, face to face is.

Reading what some one posts versus looking them in the eye as we talk to me is like night and day.

nanita I hope it works for you, it wouldn't work for me.

nanita

BP44 - Thanks for your concern and suggestions. No, I don't still hope I can drink - been there, tried that, failed. I know, without any doubt, that I can never have even one drink. I'm not concerned about having severe withdrawals. This will be my third time to detox myself at home, with the telephone supervision of my doctor. I know enough to not go cold turkey due to withdrawals, and that even an ounce of alcohol is enough to stave them off until the next attack hits. I've never had a withdrawal symptom any worse than shakes and sweats and don't expect this time to be any different. If anything more severe than that were to happen, you can bet your life I'll be on my way to the hospital. Anyway, I fully expect to make it through withdrawals the remainder of the day without a problem and for tomorrow to be my first alcohol free day in months.

I'm staying close to SR and attending AA whenever I'm in Laramie, WY. I've only been to two meetings so far because I'm not there very often, but will continue to attend everytime I'm there. In the meantime, I have a phone list and several people have encouraged me to call them anytime. Have always been reluctant to attend AA, but really am serious about sobriety which is why I finally decided to attend when I can. I went a week ago Friday and again the following Monday. Laramie is 62 miles from me, so it's simply not an everyday thing.

Doing well so far this morning. It's only 7:00 a.m. but I've been up since 3:45 with no problems. Getting ready to have some breakfast, V-8 and vitamins! Onward!

nanita

Thanks, Tazman. As I said to BP44, withdrawals are going fine and I don't expect any problems. I hear what you're saying about face-to-face versus online and I agree with you totally. However, SR is an additional support than I really value and I do find that it helps immensely. I hate it when I tell someone I'm going to do something and then don't follow through. I figure it's just one more step up the ladder toward sobriety.

If I need to, I'll definitely use that phone list I got at AA last week and will attend again as soon as I can. I do realize that's not the same as being able to go to a meeting everyday, but it's the best I can do right now and I'm not going to let lack of meetings be my downfall. I'm committed and by God I'm going to do it this time. Thanks!

Thorn

Hi Nanita,

You sound so determined this time, I know you can do it which ever path you take.
I hope you make it through today with no problems. Take it from a chronic relapser, that first drink isn't worth it. My LAST first drink led me to a two day binge. You never need to go through the withdrawals again.

I'm behind you %100 percent. Message me any time if you need to.

Best wishes,

Paul

Tazman53

nanita I had a brain f@rt, I forgot that you had a phone network and were getting to meetings when you can.

Next time you go to a meeting see if maybe some one will be agreeable to sponsor you long distance, having a sponsor has helped me immensely, especially working the steps.

GrouchoTheCat

I wish you the best nanita.

I was in the military on ships for 9+ years and we had a book of "standing orders".

These were to be referred to in the event the Captian was asleep in bed or otherwise occupied.

Every set of standing orders that I have seen contains the following:

If you are in doubt about what to do, CALL ME! (the Captian)

If you are in doubt about weather you should call me or not, CALL ME NOW !!!

Please call those numbers nanita.

Ted

CarolD

I also suggest you check out on line meetings

My favorite was PalTalk dot com.

There are also on line sponsors.
.Goggle for lins if you are interested

Hugs to you and your family

nanita

Carol - Thanks, I will check out the sites you listed. Groucho, I loved your post - it made me smile and was also filled with great advice. Taz, at the last meeting I went to they asked for people to raise their hands if they were willing to be a sponsor. Since I was the only new person there, I assumed that might be for my benefit? Anyway, two of the people who raised their hands were women that I hit it off with immediately at the first meeting. One of them said I could call her anytime and we could have a phone meeting or whatever I needed - her husband and mine work together occasionally.

Today has gone well for me. It's almost 5:00 p.m. and I have one or two shots of vodka left. I've had an ounce or two each time I've started getting shaky and have done well. Based on my past experience, the little I have left should get me through the rest of the day and then the next thing to deal with is agitation. I'll just have to watch my mouth and my temper for a day or two and it will all be over.

I appreciate all of you, your concerns, advice and encouragement. I still look forward to hearing from you and will let you know how I do tomorrow. Thanks!

nanita

My quick update. Used those last two shots to get past the shakes the next morning. Had a terrible desire to go to the liquor store mid-afternoon. Instead,I put my grandson AND me down for a nap. When I woke up, the desire was gone and I made it the rest of the day. Today is my Day One and I'm looking forward to it. Made it through the whole thing without any serious withdrawals - nothing worse than bad shakes. Can hardly wait for all the days of feeling great and nights of sleeping well!!

Mongo

Way to go Nanita

Sounds like you've got a plan and will work this out.

And yes, as time goes by you'll feel great. A little better each day.

Keep well

Ron

Tazman53

Good job nanita, congrats on a new beginning, use those tools hon,call who you need to call, do what you need to do! If it gets real bad grab that grand child and take a nap!!! LOL

collinsmi

Best wishes, Nanita. Aren't there any meetings in North Park?

parentrecovers

hugs and support, nanita - k

nanita

collinsmi - yes, there are meetings in North Park, although it's only one a week. This may sound crazy, but I won't go to the meeting here. My husband's side of the family is incredibly judgmental and can out-gossip Rosie O'donnell. The guy who heads the group here works for my husband's brother and my stepdaughter's best friend's husband attends Walden AA (trust me, with the best friend, anonymity doesn't exist). It's not that I want to hide the fact that I'm an alcoholic, because I've told 100% of my family and all of my friends. I'm proud of the fact that I've faced what I am and am trying to deal with it. My family and friends are proud of me, as well. I just don't want to be the topic of some very nasty discussions within my husband's family. An example - we are raising our (my) 20 month old grandson. He's 1/4 Hispanic. It has caused a family uprising like you wouldn't believe. My stepdaughter pretty well told me off for ruining her father's life by bringing a young child into the picture. My father-in-law has told the entire family how unfair it is to Mark to have "that little spick" in his house. My husband's ex is married to his oldest brother and she is the source of a lot of the turbulence and I REALLY don't need her nose poking into my alcoholism. So - that's why I won't go to North Park AA.

I made it through Day One with flying colors. Was actually out of town and could easily have gone to a liquor store, but didn't. Looking forward to today - Day Two. My weight has spiraled because of the amount of alcohol I've consumed. I started at 108 and ended at 143. When I stopped the last time, I got down to 127. This week, I was back up to 137 (damn!). Have lost 1.4 pounds in the two days of cutting down and the one day of abstinence. As crazy as it may sound, weight loss is my biggest motivation. So - I hope to be down to at least 125 by July and by God, I'm not going to drink!!!!!

CarolD

Super Hugs!

You seem to have weird in laws!...

Enjoy your healthy weeked

nanita

Carol - You have no idea how hard I laughed over "You seem to have weird in laws!" That would certainly be an understatement. I'll never understand how Mark turned out to be such an incredible human being in spite of his family. His mother was a wonderful woman -- too bad she died before his dad! He went to see his Dad today and when his Dad asked why I wasn't coming with him, Mark told him it's because of the way he treated my grandson and that I would not be spending anytime at his house.

I went to lunch with my youngest daughter at a Mexican restaurant while Mark visited his dad. I was tempted to order a Dos Equis, but managed to graduate day three with no alcohol. Am looking forward to four more days so I can say I made it a full week.

BP44

Congrats on not picking up the first drink!!!!! Sometimes it's 1 hour at a time. Or even minutes at a time. That first week was utter hell for me. I wanted to drink, but I wanted to not drink. I felt hopeless. And I wasn't doing what you are doing now. Sharing it with others. I white knuckled it. As soon as I got off work I went straight home. If I stopped at the gas station, I paid at the pump. I dared not go inside for fear of buying " just one or two for the drive home". And I was too scared to go back to AA to help me through it. I know it would have been a lot easier if I had, but it takes what it takes. I'm in the program now, and life is getting better every day. Thank God I finally go to a place where I was just in no position to argue or debate what I needed any more. I got up this morning and prayed and humbly asked God to help me stay sober today. I humbly asked Him to show me His will for me today and to grant me the strength to carry it out. I read the devotion for May 28 in the 24 hours book. I'll hit a meeting today, maybe even two. And talk to my sponsor. I woke up at 5:00am, so I've got 2 and a half hours of sobriety in this 24 hours. If I do what has been suggested, and don't do something real stupid over the next 16 hours or so, I'll thank God for another day of sobriety. This is how simple my life has become. I'm just not in a position to argue or debate or question the solution for my condition. Keep up the good work, you are worth it.