Nuudawn

I just gotta share this. A couple of days ago I had a job interview. I'd had an interview a few days previous for a similar position with a different organization. After the first one, I felt awesome. I really connected with the people I spoke with, etc. After the other interview a couple of days ago, I felt deflated and dejected. I felt stupid...like a little child up for judgement. I didn't know what to do with myself.

I came home and actually stared off into space depressed awhile. I was really quite shaken about the whole stupid thing. I really wanted a drink...the urge was the strongest I'd had in my 4 months I think. I went to a meeting instead.


What I came to realize is that I actually didn't care for the interviewer (who would be my boss if I were to take job). My perception (and only mine) was that the dude was incredibly arrogant and condescending. He acted as if this particular job was an award he was bequeathing upon another. I didn't like the feel of the place as soon as I walked in.

In the past, I would have drank away my discomfort and awkward feelings. I would have been hungover and depressed next day..yadda yadda. As I now realize I didn't fit with the interviewer (and vice versa) I think it is unlikely I will secure this position.

Fact is, I don't want it. I truly believe I would never have come to the realization that I don't want this award he is bequeathing. I would have simply felt rejected and beaten myself up about it in a myriad of ways. I have twice before felt this way after an interview and much to my surprise have gotten the job. And taken them like a giddy chosen fool despite my "bad vibe". Both times the jobs were a nightmare.

In my wordy way, I am trying to relay how drinking totally negates our ability to "listen" to ourselves. I would have drank away my negative, awkward and uncomfortable feelings rather than allowing the process of what they were telling me. I would not have gotten the message. I would have personalized the "rejection" rather than realizing a "bad fit"...or worse, I would take the job if offered...ignoring my gut that I would be unhappy there.

I am hoping that the longer I am sober, the easier and faster it will become to listen to, believe in and trust myself; what my feelings are trying to tell me.

Astro

My understanding is that in sobriety we're given the power of choice.

Ain't it cool to have the clarity and ability to take it or leave it?

Thanks for sharing, Nuudawn.

michski

My experience totally. You're ahead of the remaining sober game because you are experiencing your own presence. When I was out there my life was completely reactive. I either over reacted or sunk into the depths of self pity and under reacted. It was an incredible break through for me to be able to "feel" my own skin and self again. I was constantly reminded of The Promises in AA when it comes to the part about intuitively knowing the things that used to baffle us. You become authentic and stressless.. you can now understand the simplicity of remaining clean and returning to YOUR new life full of an acceptance you could never experience when you were out there screwed up.

Quite a realization!

Nuudawn

Exactly Astro and Michski! Thank you so much. This feeling of authority in your own skin is positively amazing. The powers to choose rather than fearfully sitting around with a "Please, please pick me" attitude...and yes, the power to choose rather than react. I have often thought about that..I REACTED when drinking..never chose. Wahoo!

GrouchoTheCat

Hi Dawn,

I won't get into details, but I clearly remember a time when I had tremendously bad vibes, I mean talk about a feeling of dred and impending doom. This was many years ago. I was in a bar. I was pretty lit. I wound up in "the relationship from hell".

Because of the booze muscles acting on my brain, I decided I knew better and just stuffed my gut feelings away.

Beleive me Dawn, I can relate and I had similar experiences many times.

Isn't it nice to be able to recognise these signals from our inner compass?

It's a gift,

Ted

GlassPrisoner

Hmmmm...I have mixed emotions on this one.

First, it's good that you recognize these feelings, and aren't taking a job out of "desperation". Especially not taking it personally, or internalizing it. I know that's what I used to do.

However, who knows ? Maybe your perception is still mixed up (we're both relatively new to this sobriety thing) Maybe the second interview is the job God wants you to have.

I had what I though was a terrible interview once. Totally thought I blew it. They loved me. With the the interview I thought I nailed, they never called back.

I've found if I have faith, make a decision and take action, God figures it out for me in the end. It may not be what I think I want, or even expect, but it always works out for the better.

Nuudawn

Yep, been guilty of same thing in relationship arena as well. I drank away red flags no matter how hard they flapped.


And Glass..thanks for your input. I got a call tonight...yep..I've been shortlisted for 2nd interview. I'm going..but this time, I will concentrate on whether the potention job/employer are the right fit for me. Not a desperate "please pick me" underlying attitude I felt the other day. One's vocation is incredibly important. I still have the right to choose if fortunate enough to be chosen...

barb dwyer

I go by 'vibes'.

It's the closest thing to 'autopilot' I have.

My intuitions have served me far more than they have harmed me.

Pilgrim

O wow. So that big black monster I felt tapping me on my shoulder a few years ago was there for a reason????

Tazman53

Nuudawn keep in mind that as the person being interviewed there is nothing at all wrong to find out what they have for you, it is a 2 way street, make sure you get as many details about the job as you can, who you will be working for/with, benefits, ask to see the area you will be working in and to meet the people you could be working directly with.

I have had jobs where my boss was a jerk, but my co-workers and the folks that worked for me more then made up for the boss being a jerk, he did take care of us as far as pay went though.

It is nice being sober isn't it?

collinsmi

It wouldn't have mattered if I'd listened to myself before I did the steps. I had little ability or inclination to view things objectively. The steps make that ability stronger.

GettinSober

To my mind this is a truly beautiful post. It's what healing is all about. Nothing more. Nothing less. Thank you.

GettinSober

Sorry I just want to enthuse again as I read your post a second time. Sometimes I feel alone in my own process of trying to heal. I know it shouldn't matter but it's hard for it not to on occasions. Thanks for unwittingly catching 'my drift'. It meant a lot to me.

Iwanttobe1

Way to go. Nothing worse than working in a job you wouldn't be happy with and really taking charge of your life. Your ability to take power over alcohol is awesome.

You deserve only the best. You are worth it!

Carol

Nuudawn

Thanks GS...it means so much when I feel like I've connected with someone else's sobriety..contributed positively in some way. That's what its all about. I felt so alone before I sobered up...I rarely feel that way now.

But hey...gonna negate the whole thread here I think. Just got back from my second interview...and it was a whole new ball game. This time the guy and I totally connected. I felt very different. He was positively effervescent about my taking the position..the opportunities he felt that were there for me. He offered me the job on the spot...despite the fact he had another interview scheduled after me. I start Tuesday...argh.

HEY...the whole point of the thread tho was.. I DIDN'T DRINK when I really,
really wanted to...LOL

Thank you all for your fabulous responses. This place totally rocks. The support here is beyond amazing.

Pilgrim

Wow Nuudawn. I am so so happy for you.

I was looking back at GP's post. Looks like your HP is definitely looking out for you.

Nope - you didn't drink. You didn't let the feelings get you. That is just so amazing. You are amazing.