angel08955

Ok, I used to be friends with a recovering alcoholic until he started to blame me for things that I did not do. I have come to find out from someone who knows this person very well that this guy has been lying about the stuff he blamed me for. Is this typical for someone in his shoes, recovering from alcoholism and being stressed?

How do I go about confronting this person because when I sent him a message about it he claimed I have done enough damage to him, when in fact he has done stuff to me. How to I confront him, without making him worse?

Tazman53

If your friend is lying about anything or putting blame on others falsley then he is not a recovering alcoholic!

A recovering alcoholic does not lie, now he may be a "dry drunk", but he is not recovering if he is not honest.

I guess what I am trying to say is that if a person is really a recovering alcoholic he will not be lying.

angel08955

Ok. It's not like he is lying bout major things. Well, kind of I guess. He lied about losing his job and about drinking again. He confessed to lying about dirnking, but when I sent him a message he says "think what you Tricia. But I would not like a response. You've done enough damage." I don't know what to think and it's pissing me off truthfully. He's done alot more in the way of lying like saying he loved me when he didn't and that stuff. He says he lies bout stuff to "teach me a lesson". He's lied about breaking up with his fiance before and actually started to date me, but it was joke to him.

I know I have a lying problem, but at least if I get caught or if it goes on too long I confess to it and appoligize. I have lied about something serious, but it was a miscommunication, not really a lie. I just said what I thought happened but when I thought about it I realized in the heat of the moment I wasn't thinking clearly and it was actually a miscommunication. So because I did that he feels he can lie to me about **** because he wants to "teach me a lesson".

Thanks for your view. I wonder if now that he is back into his program he will get better again. He's done so well, 20+ months.

Tazman53

Was he lying while he was working his program?

angel08955

As in going to AA, at the time he was not going to meetings. He kept talking bout doing the serenity prayer and reading the Big Book, but as far as meetings or talking to his sponser, no. This just started up around December with him lying.

See there's also a pattern. He lies, hates me, stops talking to me, and usually within a month or so I get an email or Pm on other forums we belong to(I don't belong to any but this one now that he does), begging for forgiveness, appoligizing, and saying he was "mad". I'm not letting this happen again, but I am conerned about him.

Tazman53

If he is lying then he is not working his program, if he is not going to meetings or working with his sponsor he is not working his program.

If he is cheating on his fiancee he is not working his program.

If any one is not being honest and claims they are working thier program they are lying to them selfs and to the world.

angel08955

I guess the other day he went back to AA, which is what I suggested three weeks ago. Thanks Taz for the advice.

Tazman53

angel if you do not go to alanon you should and going to the "Friends & Family" section will help as well.

UncleEarl

I'm hesitant to touch this because the story seems so incomplete, but what the hell...

Sorry, angel, but I don't see how you go from "I know I have a lying problem," to "it was a miscommunication."

I was intimately involved with -indeed, co-habitated with- a serial liar for years. She lied about her drinking, her affairs, her background, her family, etc. It took some time to unearth the lies. In fact, the extent of her lies still makes my now-sober head spin two years later.

I found that I countered her lies with lies of my own. It became a really, really sick game (yeah, yeah, I can say 'co-dependent'), almost a power struggle.

I've never been a liar with the exception of my drinking habits. When I took an inventory of my life, I realized that I immersed myself in a toxic situation in which I compromised something I hold very dear: truth. At first, I blamed HER. In all honesty, however, I cannot hold someone else responsible for my own actions (the actions of lying or staying involved with her, for example).

Two liars don't make a truth. They make a big, ugly mess. Sure, I loved her. I still do in many ways. But lies are fictions. And if I want a fiction, I'll take Oscar Wilde any day over someone whose lies can potentially be so harmful to me.

I'm sure your friend is full of charm, perhaps great-looking, maybe one of the most interesting, intelligent persons you know. But if you are spending much of your precious time doubting him and, more importantly, doubting yourself, you might want to question how much value you are receiving. It's very easy to get comfortable with that with which we are familiar, but it can be far more rewarding to step away and take chances on the unknown.

Best of luck!

Earl

socalgal

It sounds to me like your friend is drinking. Plain and simple. When I drank, I lied...a lot.

Honesty, for me is an imperative part of my sobriety. When I got sober I made the commitment to live my life honestly.

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. (I believe Dr.Phil said that)
That just sums it all up for me.

-K