St_Kurt

This whole alcohol thing has really been a struggle to piece together over the last few months for me. I think mainly because everything happened so fast.

In August I went to a party and out of nowhere had this ludicrous tolerance for vodka that I'd never had before. It didn't seem like a bad thing at the time so I drank more often after that, because I enjoyed it and ... what the hell do I know from alcoholism? Prior to that I was always either the sober DD or was falling asleep after a cocktail (which was the reason I usually just stayed sober and volunteered to drive instead.)

Somewhere along the line I got the brilliant idea to study while I was drinking. I can't explain how, but I was totally productive and aced the exam. I didn't know how the hell it worked, but it was a lot more fun and relaxing than studying sober! And my grades went up. I got my highest GPA ever last semester.

Then during my winter break I sort of started to get this idea that something wasn't right because without the discipline of school I ended up drinking every day or every other day kind of randomly. And every time I thought to myself, "I should stop that", there seemed to be another voice in the back of my head saying "No you shouldn't". I didn't like that other voice being there. But it's hard to look at your actions objectively when you live in a town of binge drinkers (College campus with the largest Greek System in the world) and you are secretly in denial.

I started going to AA meetings anyway to try and figure out what was up. I hadn't really answered the question "am I an alcoholic?" yet, and I kept wavering back and forth listening to everyone's stories. But I think the real question was "Is there any doubt?"

I wonder if the reasons for my indecision had to do with two things: I had yet to earnestly try to stop drinking and I didn't fully understand the first step or the "willingness to do ANYTHING to stop". I really couldn't conceptualize how dangerous any of this was because ... what did I have to show for my drinking? Better grades? The ability to walk my classmates home because the same amount of alcohol that flattened them made me feel sort of buzzed? (They still ask me to show them how I do it... I always answer "alcoholism" and they laugh like I'm kidding.)

These weren't things that felt unmanagable and ... this all occurred in less than a year - I almost wasn't sure if it was actually happening. The best I could do was admit that there was no way I could keep it up since I didn't understand how I did it in the first place. I knew I didn't want to graduate a doctor with this problem that could only get worse, but nothing ever happened that was truly scary other than the fact that I was seriously unable to not drink for more than a week. (Which should be scary enough within itself because like all serious students I have a lot of self-discipline. If they say be in the clinic before 6am tomorrow - I am up and there no matter how much I may hate getting up at 4:30am to do so. If there are exams coming, I study for them no matter how much I'd rather be doing something else. etc... )

But the good news is that with everytime I put off quitting (I'm not even going to use the word slip...) something scarier would happen. I've never blacked out whole days or evenings before - just details. I'd remember the essentials but I started noticing I had things in my notes I didn't remember writing or there was stuff around the house that I didn't remember doing. That was scary to me. But apparently not scary enough.

This past weekend I was away at a convention for veterinary students. During the day it was great - I learned a ton, met students from other schools, hung out with my classmates... No problems there. But every single social event was held in a bar - and I discovered that vet students from ALL schools like to party - not just the ones at my school. After I drank during the first night's event, I considered skipping the second one. In the morning I was all gung ho to find some alternative - but by the end of the day, and everyone talking about going out together to downtown Raleigh, I wanted to go too. So I did and you can guess how that went down.

Besides discovering that I absolutely could not enter a bar without ordering a drink, (I had the screwy notion that carrying $1500 worth of photography equipment would activate some protective instinct and thus keep me from drinking - that was dumb.) I kept getting bad news repeatedly throughout the weekend about various other things in my life. By the time we were driving home from North Carolina I'd decided that I was hopeless, all humanity sucked, and I was literally counting the hours it was going to take before I could start drinking. That was Sunday. And then suddenly, it was Monday night. And I was sitting at my desk with all my books and stuff out. But I thought it was still Sunday night so I picked up where I left off and didn't actually figure it out until it started getting light out. Then when I did figure it out I was completely horrified and the only solution seemed to be to go get more vodka. (Which makes perfect sense... )

The good thing that then happened was that I had to walk all the way to the grocery store because the liquor store behind my house was closed, and while I was there I ran into a guy I sometimes chat with after meetings. He knew what I was doing. I knew he knew what I was doing. And it was obvious he knew I knew he knew. Got that? He didn't say anything and I was going to leave, but then instead I hung out by the exit and asked him if he could help me when he left the store. He said he wasn't busy and we sat and talked for like the next 6 hours.

It was really cool of him to do that. It also happened to be his 4 month sober anniversary. Then later we were at the same meeting and afterwards when everyone was milling around smoking outside he announced that I needed a sponsor "like now". And after 2 months of asking and hearing "no" I actually had volunteers.

So, no I finally have a sponsor who I regularly see at meetings (we already got along quite well) and I think I am at last convinced that whenever I drink I seem to be capable of doing some seriously scary things that prove without a shadow of a doubt that yes I am powerless and no this is not managable.

To quote my priest: "I thought medical students were supposed to be smart."

I guess I'm a little slow, but I think I might be starting to catch on.

Thanks for reading,
-e

SaTiT

Thanks for sharing your ESH Kurt. I got it.....

Golfman

Kurt,

You synopsis of how you came to where you are today is a short version of everyone's story. Thanks for sharing it with us.

barb dwyer

Hey Kurt -

Thanks for being smarter than me!

Tazman53

Thanks for sharing Kurt, just keep coming back, it works if you work it.

Rowan

Glad you're here Kurt - thanks for sharing -

CarolD

Good for you E!!

St_Kurt

Thanks again for reading. I always seem to be able to work things through best by writing them down and I was having one of those moments where I realized that all those little pieces I'd been thinking about where actually part of a whole picture. It was too long to share in a meeting and I probably would have gotten lost trying to say it aloud anyway.

I guess you're right Golfman, it does sort of provide a synopsis of everyone's story, though I seem to be on some kind of "fast track - special immersion" type program of alcoholism. (I'm not daring to say I'm different - just very efficient. )

I think that is the best part about forums like this one was being able to have a place to put the puzzle together and then share it. It's definitely a different sort of outlet/form of support than meetings, talking one on one, reading, or meditiation. There's some overlap, but I think each one has its own special benefit.

Thanks for being here,
-e

Hush007

Thanks Kurt,

Writing this helps everyone,... you and us!

Big hug,

Philip