barb dwyer

Hi -

This weekend is the gigantic St. Patrick's Celebration here. The town expands by 35,000 people, all bent on drinking the maximum amount of alcohol possible. It's a three day (minimum) drunk, open containers, and pretty much a Montana Irish version of Mardi Gras.

Having tended bar here for almost five years I had no IDEA ... this was going to be this hard for me. Had I known, I'd have taken this weekend off.
I mean ... I worked New Years' ... no 'thing', so I figured I'd 'be ok' for this.
My boss here is unbelievably accomodating and supportive regarding my recovery, and she'd have given it ... had I only known.

Now I'm stuck. I'm the classic 'restless, irritable, discontent' ... I don't recognize myself right now. People coming in and out of the hotel, in various degrees of inebriation ... oh, man. It's all I can do to be polite; much less friendly!

I don't know if it's the decorations all over town (and in here) or the bus running drunks uptown, or the 'spring is in the air' thing ... all I know right now - I'm having a hard time. My hands are shaking, typing this. I'm not craving drinking - not at all ... but it's the 'mood' ... I feel almost ... spooked by the whole thing. It's just never ... HIT me ... like this.

At the same time - I'm so very grateful that in almost seven months being sober, this is a first for me.

SOOOoooo ... if anyone is bored outa their minds, I'll be here. I went outside and prayed - only to have the bus shuttling everyone stop and ask if I needed a ride - LOL
I even called my friends in AA - the ones who aren't out of town haven't called me back yet. My sponsor is in Seattle for the weekend. I've done all the 'sugestions' ... posting here was my doing the 'next right thing'.
Normally, I'd suffer in silence. I would sit here all night, trying to 'tough it out'. I'm not tough. I'm an alcoholic. Asking for help is about as different as it can get for me.

Going now to read some threads ... and try to get out of myself.
Thanks for listening.
I hope this makes sense at all.
All prayers appreciated !

barb

zJoe99

Wow, Barb that sounds incredibly tough. I wish your sponsor was in town. Hopefully someone will call you back soon. Is it too late to ask to get out of that gig?

If you have to stay there, pick out the gnarlyest, nastiest, most obnoxious drunk you can find in the crowd. Freeze that persons image in your mind. Replay it if you are tempted to take a drink. Tell yourself you will end up as foul as that urine soaked pig or worse if you choose to drink.

I wish I could think of something more helpful to tell you. Its a shame you're in that position. Please be strong.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

GlassPrisoner

Hang in there Barb !

Just be thankful that it's not you doing all those stupid, drunk things. I don't about you , but I WASN'T having fun at the end of my drinking career. I don't miss it.

barb dwyer

I just went out to have a smoke and pray some more - and watched a fella get arrested. Right outside the parking lot.

Seeing someone stupidly drunk enough to threaten a policeman ... helped.

thanks y'all ... and you're right GP - I wasn't having fun, either. It was purely 'maintenence' drinking (when at work) and back to the death spiral when I was off. I don't know WHY it's making me so antsy.
One thing - this is the weekend I could BANK on making in the neighborhood of 1500.00 in tips. I've had a lot of stress over $$$ since quitting bartending.

It was just that ... yesterday ... when I went uptown to get the supplements I have to take - this long later, and I'm still trying to put my body back n some kind of working order ... seeing the decorations, streets being blocked off; maybe being so heavily involved in all the stuff for so many years ... it was like a retired racehorse hearing a starting gate or something.

Sorry for all the typos ...

this is amazing.

God is good.
Look what I"m being shown.
nuts, huh?

We're so lucky, any of us ... just to be alive.

Pilgrim

Hi Barb,

I completely understand. I felt the same this week and my mood went south. Restless, irritable and discontent is exactly how I would descibe how I was feeling. I am here if you need a friend to help you through.

barb dwyer

ok - things are closing down up there now ... people are coming in ...

wow.

now I know what I SMELLED like for all those years.

Pilgrim

Hehe. Worse than the bus with Ed making SBDs on Talley's thread.

paulmh

Hi Barb!

My little theory is that normal people get in a funk about things too, except they've been doing it, going through it and coming out the other side - the next hour or the next day, whenever the "other side" is - for much longer than we have.

Funks are a fairly new experience for me. I always drunk away my funk. I don't like them, but I don't suppose I'm supposed to. Otherwise they'd be called "funkys" or something.

jodiD

Hey Barb ane you in Seattle I'm in Kent. Bad night for me too. I always come here if I need help.

jodiD

Is anyone on line here at the moment?

IO Storm

Something I face occasssionally when I awaken is the thought, "Hey,

Sherry, you don't have to fat, or tired, you can get a passport and go.

It's just 20 miles away. Why suffer when those little pills will change

everything. The house will be clean, you'll be skinny and beautiful

again"....Then I realize who is talking and I say (aloud) "Shut up

disease, you will not get the best of me again. I know who you are, and

I'm not going to use today."

"No matter what."

In regards to alcohol, seeing the Corona with lemon wedge, bird , and

beach commercial on TV makes me thirsty. My mouth waters and I can

actually taste salt. I think of balmy romantic evenings and passionate

uninhibited sex. I think of a 3D life that is larger than life.

I say "Shut up King Alcohol, shut up disease, you will not get the best of

me again. I know who you are, and I'm not going to drink today."

"No matter what."

I use the same tool and the mind freak disappears.


Love,

IO

jodiD

Thanks IO, It's been a bad day. I'm really struggling tonight. Can't sleep. Feeling so many negative feelings. Angry Angry Angry.................

barb dwyer

thanks everyone - I THINK I've got 'em all 'off to sleep it off' now.

wow.

and these people ... weren't even in the ballpark - of what I used to be like.
zowie.
I'm certain it was a 'body memory' thing ... the
'retired racehorse hearing the post bugle call'

wow.
that ... sucked.


jodi - I'm in butte MT ... same planet =- different world.

thank you everyone for your PM's and for posting.

CarolD

Hi Barb....several things occur to me
as you deal with this situation. Soooo..

Limit your exposure to danger.
You have only 3 places to go...
Your apartment Your work Your Clubhouse.
That is your triangle of safety.

Refresh your knowledge of PAWS

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

I suggest you get out our BB...
Read the Promises and renew your spirit
with Chapter 11.

Mega Hugs and Prayers

barb dwyer

carol -

*home girl*

my BB is right here, by my hand.
*smile*
and the club ... is uptown.
no way till sunday.
in fact - some friends called - we're having a 'port-a-meeiting' on Sunday night ... at MY house. (I live outside town a couple of miles)

And -
the memo is written to my boss -
I can't work 4th of July, or during 'Evel Days' ... no way.
I had no idea this would be the trigger it was.

Live n' learn!
thank you all again!
barb

mikel60

Hi Barb Dwyer,
I just spotted this thread. Glad you made it through. Boston is the drunken Irishman capitol of of the world. I live in the Allston-Brighton section (home to BC, BU, and Harvard and all their drunken students) and we have about fifteen "Irish" bars within a two-mile radius. I feel you on this one. Luckily, unlike you, I don't have to be in the middle of it. I'll just hang out with my wife and my two little ones - Sheila and Liam. Guess what our ethnic background is?
Peace, Barb, and I'm happy you made it through a tough day.
Mike

ps - thanks for your posts to me when Liam was being born. That was nice.

Talluleh

Barb, just wanted to say hi and that you're doing great so far! I can't imagine being in your position. You are STRONG!! You can do this!!

GrouchoTheCat

Hi Barb,

Sounds like you are staying strong. Keep it up and enjoy the freak show sober!

Ted

came2believe

I'm a little nervous today, too. I'm working on a project related to the Irish people (too lengthy to explain here) and my husband's entire family is Irish. I never used to go out and get drunk on St. Patty's, I always drank alone--every day! lol. But I used to drink Guinness quite a bit, along with my wine. I have mixed feelings about today.

However, my drinking had ceased to bring me any pleasure at the end. What I am looking at is a mirage-if I were to take a sip of Guinness, I would lose all I have worked so hard for for all this time.

I might rent a good Irish movie instead. The Secret of Roan Inish is a good one. Or, it looks like History Channel has some good Irish stuff on tonight.

CarolD

Hi C2....(((Hugs)))

Any day was a day to drink for me too!
Fie on ameture time!

Stay sober ...safe... strong
and pass the popcorn!