big trouble

Right now I am renting from my parents, they own the apartment complex that I live in. Granted it would be better for me not to live here, only because I am their beer runner and I always manage to get something for myself while I am out.

Missminime

Oh my... Big trouble. we could be twins... well youre 5 years older. but seriously this post couldve been written by me. My aunt didnt not kill herself, im so sorry to hear that but the rest of that is my lifestory. If you ever read one of my posts we use the exact same words. "im only hurting myself" "i cant tell anyone what i am going thru because i dont want to hurt them" and so on and so on. Reading this thread and i see myself in your words!

I have been drinking for 5 years. My boyfriends have all been beating me up, calling me worthless just beeing really abusive. so was my mom when i grew up. My boyfriend for 2 years called me a wh0re when i came to him crying for help and told him i had been raped. My first boyfriend and his friend raped me aswell. My life has been hell.. yet i havnt shared it to anyone but on this board. As i said ive been to hell, through hell - and im on my way back from there. Cant wait to arrive

But the things you say.. god im in shock. we have the same feelings.
I cant give you any advice im sorry, im still recovering.. i think, im not sure.
I just quitted drinking after new years eve when i ended up in bed with my best friends boyfriend. Im learning to open up here. This is a great place. People listen to you. I made friends who are both alot older and the same age - all ages actually, and their experiences and support is helping me to open up. Just look at this post, i never told anyone close to me any of this and maybe i will in time, when im used to the thought of sharing. And just look at your post, your reaching out! you will be able to learn to share. Things shouldnt be kept inside. Its ripping and tearing inside of you. Even tho you may not be alone you will still feel very alone until you do open up.

Please feel free to pm me anytime. Im sure i will know your feelings, and im not sure how good i am with giving advice but i would love to listen to your feelings whenever you need to talk - and you do need it.

And about typing. Im from sweden and here i have to type it all in english so ill prob have alot more spelling and grammer errors then you will ever manage :P But people here are too nice to even mention it Spelling is nothing to worry about.

Hugs
//Minnie

Hush007

What you should really do BT, is get out of there. If you get beaten up by him there really is no excuse for him! In a surrounding like this, you can not get better, even if you want to.

I really hope you'll find a solution my dear BT. Keep us posted!

Big hug,

Philip

wozzek

Big Trouble - you're in such pain that all this sounds really tragic. However let us assess the situation:

1. you're obviously intelligent. Not that's a big deal so many here are intelligent yet still were / are totally screwed by their addictions but it, intelligence if applied properly, could be helpful,
2. you're at the end of you tether and you long a life without so much pain, away from the cruelty and dependences so at least you have recognized the situation,
3. it seems that there is some money you might be able to borrow if you choose to do so and to break away from everything - that's not a bad thing to have as an option,
4. your mother has been in the five (!!) months long impatient treatment i.e. she might be able to understand the situation if the moment is right,
5. you are afraid to talk but you are talking here - that's first step and ABOVE everything,
6. you sound like a really nice person and for sure you are NOT selfish, on the contrary, you care about others (brother, sister in law, nephew) and this is much much more so many people in this world can say about themselves.

Therefore it is not so bad, not because there is a way out. Sure, you became a victim, you cultivated your own addictions and screwed yourself greatly but who can blame you given the circumstances of your life. At the moment you have SO MUCH on your plate that you simple cannot deal with all this at the same time, no way! The immediate problem is that guy who's beating you. You need, you must take a shelter in the place where he cannot find you - another apt, hotel room if you have the money or someone can pay it for you, even shelter for abused women. The system knows how to deal with those issues and you need the company and support capable and qualified to deal with your substance abuse also. The police can be helpful, a restraining order.

And trust me, this is NOT over the top reaction or too dramatic, you NEED, you MUST to get out of you imminent danger. Hey, girl, your only moments of relief are when this guy is getting drunk??? And you are waiting at home, overwhelmed with your feelings, fears, dreads, pains, just to be beaten / insulted / raped again? And do not worry about that guy, he does not love you and you do not love him - he is impersonation of all the pain you were going through your life, he is the very image of abuse you dealt with your whole life and you do not need him to "remind" you that you do not deserve better because the simple truth is = you do deserve better.

Maybe Carol has some phone numbers you can call - that would be a next step after the on line discussion about your grave situation. Embrace a hope that things might get better and find five minutes a day for hope, for the beauty, for the dreams, for the life you'd enjoy. Do not think about EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME, it will crush you at the end - you are aware of everything and deal with one issue at the time. Do not worry about the coca coca bar or drinking this very moment. Find the best way to get out from this relationship. Make it your secret, you strength - none would know, only you and plan and organize your salvation. Like The Shawsank Redemption, you got have the plan. In fact, you're brave enough not to even think of killing yourself so use the motto from the movie - "Get busy livin' or get busy diein'!" - and your life would already be better for a notch. I root for you with all my heart despite my English language impediment.

Love,
Wozzek

Missminime

No you didnt choose what parents you have, but you do choose your fiance.
I might sound harsh in this post but ive been there. Ive been there over and over again. I do know what im talking about and i know its not easy.

My bf for almost 3 years constanly picked on me always said that he wanted me to be a little bit more of what i wasnt and a little bit less of what i was. I felt useless. He started beating me after maybe a year togheter. It ended when he beat me up infront of our friends. I was so embarresed that i had to leave him. I met another guy after that, he pushed me once when we argueed and i just walked out the door that second. Noone will ever hit or abuse me again. Im much better off alone and i rather die alone as old crazy cat woman or something then having someone putting me down again.

My best friend had an older boyfriend 32 when she was 18. He abused her all the time, really violant sexacts, beat her up and vebal abuse. She came to me crying alot of times, and she stayed with me when she couldnt stay at her parents house cause they way she looked. I did everything i could to support her but seeing someone you love and care about so much suffer like that just rips your heart out. I told her over and over again to just end the relationship but she couldnt. When they had been togheter for about a year she came to me and told me that they would be moving in togheter. It just got worse and she called me almost every day crying asking what she should do. My sympathy for her disappeard when they had lived togheter for about 3 months. Only she can help herself, and what she did was selfish of her even tho she might not realise it. He dumped her btw, and im glad.

What i mean is. Only you can help yourslef and end that relationship. Do you think he will change? For how long have you been togheter? Have he changed a bit? You do choose and ask for his cruelness if you stay with him.
You say you dont want to hurt others, thats what you do to people who care for you and love you if you stay in a relationship like that. It totally broke my heart to see my friend getting hurt and not doing anything about it.

You know you deserve better. As you said you didnt ask for his cruelness, you dont deserve it either.

I must point out that ive been there. Friends told me to break up with him and i was so pissed off cause they had no idea how it was. They made it sound so easy. But you cant use that against me, i do know what i talk about Oh and.. it was that easy.

came2believe

Hi Big Trouble,
I am only sailing thru here this morning, but your post jumped out at me. You are in the right place-please keep posting and asking questions. Keep an open mind, what seems like it might not work actually might. YOU ARE LOVED HERE! So many of us see ourselves in you. Please take care and stick around, pull up a chair and have some peppermint tea, it's a friendly place.

Missminime

Big Trouble. Are you ok? Please come in and share.

I know i sounded harsh in the other post i made if you read it. I know how you feel. But it is easy, the hard part is to realise how easy it was to break free.

Hope youre doing ok

Love and hugs
Minnie

big trouble

Missminime you asked how long me and my boyfriend have been together. Its been a long 7 years, I meet him when I was 18, he was 25 at that time. I don't want to stereo type but he is european, and I was told by a few people that It is not uncommon for european men to want to controll their women. I am sure that its not like that for everyone. He calls it re-educating me. Even today he was telling me that he could do what ever he wanted because their is no one around to hear anything. That is pretty sadistic.

Tazman53

This whole thread breaks my heart, I know what I would do in your situation or if you were my daughter, but the only thing I can do is pray that you find the courage to first get away from him and get your self dried out to start with.

I can tell you that AA saved my life from alcohol, but I do not have any idea except for prayer of how to help you find the strength to escape this man before he kills you.

Missminime

Well i dunno if that has anything to do with it really :P im from europe and im sure its just as common where ever youre from. its all about how you grew up if you ask me. Re-educate you? you met him when you were 18, who did the education before that? I think he did during these past 7 years so i guess he fails. You do not need that crap. What a load of BS, and im sure hes full of it.

Ok so 7 years. has he changed.. to the better? do you think he will? It makes me so sad to hear all this. I cant tell you what to do, and i wont. I can just hope you find the strenght to leave him, youre worth so much more.

UncleEarl

Count me in on that one, Tazz. The guy would last about 10 seconds in my presence.

big trouble: as wozzek pointed out above, you've made a great first step...you started talking about stuff. He also pointed out that you MUST get out of imminent danger!

I'm not sure you realize just how much danger you face. Abuse, like alcoholism, is usually progressive. What starts as a slap or a punch eventually turns into a severe beating and worse.

From what you have shared with us, I would say that drinking or drugs is secondary in importance to finding a safe place for yourself. There are women's shelters in Chicago who will hide you if need be.

You don't deserve to be abused either physically or emotionally and despite what much of your upbringing seems to have offered, there are decent people out here who don't resort to abuse on any level.

Among other things, freedom is a state of life where there you don't feel compelled to act from fear. Insofar as you fear your safety (both emotional and physcal), you will never have the freedom to deal with your other problems, and you will never have the freedom to strive for your own dreams.

Don't wait until it's too late, get out NOW, while you can!

Earl

Hush007

I'm from Belgium (Europe), and in my country it is not common at all to controll woman. Maybe in some other European countries (I don't know). One of the girls I knew once went out with an abusive son of a b***. He gave her a beating one day. I can tell you one thing,... if he would have done that a second time, my friends and I would have payed him a visit... and not a nice one.

If there is one thing I hate, it's a man who beats his wife. And don't give me that "She deserved it crap". If she is a real b***, dump her a** and walk away. Don't beat the crap outta her.

Big hug,

Philip

Tazman53

I have thought about this a bit....

Real men do not hit women, weak little boys do.

Little boys who hit women are cowards and not worthy of me breaking my hands on thier faces even if they do deserve it!

Big Trouble my wifes first husband beat her, she left his sorry butt. That was over 30 years ago and to be honest that is one resentment that I may never lose. The idea of feeling her first husbands facial bones break as I pummeled his face I hate to admit would feel very good to me even today.

No woman on the face of the earth deserves to be beaten by an adult male, I will no longer refer to them as a man, because men do not hit women!

The adult male that beats a woman is the lowest form of scum on the face of the earth, at my lowest and drunkest I would never have lowered myself to hit a woman!

Leave the dirt bag please!

There are men out there that will not do to you what he does.

big trouble

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself. Thank you everyone, I cannot thank you enough for your encouragement and support. I do not ever usually stereo type anyone, the things that I said are only things that I have heard. My philosophy in life is only to accept people as they are, no one knows what they have done or what they have been through. I know myself more than anyone will ever know me because I have to live with me every day. I am very sorry for generalizing anything because I would hate for someone to do that to me, and do hate it. So in general ** usually just let things be, because it is what it is. My fiancee lost his mother when he was 7 to a car accident, and lost his father when he was 16. He was on his way to work and was mudered, Beheaded in Greece. Maybe that is why I deal with everything, because we both have had to deal with a lot.

big trouble

We do sound like twins. I love your poem. "...I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
For handing you a heart worth breakin’
And I've been wrong, I've been down
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head
Scream, Are we having fun yet?"
That is me too a tee.

big trouble

I made sure to thank everyone because I really do appriecate your advice.

Hush007

You are more than welcome Big trouble.

Tazman53

Big Trouble please keep in mind that no matter what you have done in your past or what has happened to you in the past you are person worth knowing and being loved.

Your fiancee has led a damn rough life filled with tragedy, but that does not make it normal or okay to beat people, especially women! This is not normal, this is not acceptable to normal people, there are laws against it.

There are organizations that help victims of spousal abuse, I beg of you to contact one and let them help you get away from him before he kills you.

Men who abuse women are worse then an alcoholic, an alcoholic can recover from his alcoholism, an alcoholic can get better, but a man who abuses a woman will never get better.... unless he has to pay a heavy price to teach him that this is wrong, that heavy price is jail/prison with an awful lot of counseling.

Big Trouble you do actually have control of this, all you have to do is pick up the phone and do one of 2 things, have the scum bag arrested and press charges or call one of the groups that help abused women.

Missminime

I stole it from Nickelback They got some lyrics that could've been written by me, my feelings in words.

I cant give you more advice then i did. To leave him. get him arrested as Taz said. I dont know why you stay with him, maybe its more to the story that we dont know of. I know its hard, i do understand. Maybe youre afraid of being alone, dont be. You will be better off without him. Its easy to say, harder to believe, and its even harder to take the step and leave him. But you wont regret it for a second when youre there.

You arnt being true to yourself. Youre not dumb at all, but as you said you think you should accept people for who they are. And your living with someone who wants to change you to everything youre not. Seriously you wont be able to please him. Ive been trying to do that to my mom for 20 years now, im still not good enough. I can (and i prob will) keep trying until im 50 and i still wont be closer to good enough for her. Thats not the way you should live life.

I do not believe in God, not in any god. But i would pray for you to find strenght to leave that aweful man any day.

hugs
minnie

Hush007

Big trouble,

Look at it this way:

There are enough good/better guys around. You will never be able to find that out if you stay with this abusive son of a b***.

Leave him,... get back on your feet and start over with somebody else if you are ready for it.

I was always affraid of being alone. I stayed with my ex-girlfriend (who was so jaleous it was sick) for 4 years because I was affraid of what the future would bring. "What if I can not find anyone else?" and "What if this is as good as it gets?" came to mind a lot. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT!

After a year or so a found the perfect girl. We've been together for 4.5 years and married 1.5 year ago.

So leave him sweetie,... you deserve a whole lot better.

Big kiss,

Philip