wozzek

My mother died when I was a kid. My father has died when I was an asylee in the States i.e. unable to visit him or attend his funeral. My Editor-In-Chief died, most likely assasinated after I avoided being killed myself. My best friend died recently. My godson died when he was only 18, a real angel and that tore my heart appart. Lately a girl I was in love when I was a teenager died of cancer at 42. The list goes on.

Would you help me finding some nice girl, preferably with the money, so I could have someone to victimize?

Please, sober up! And yes, I wonder, do you still drink and use drugs on daily basis? Do you plan do to something or you need some more time here, to read what you already know so well?

big trouble

Unfortunatly I do still use, which is why I even feel bad for being here. But it does help getting advice. I can't stop on my own, I am going to go to rehab, but the waiting list is long. Last night I polished off almost a gallon of smirnoff. Everytime I try to help myself I fail, and feel more worthless than I already feel. Not to mention the shaking, to me that is one of the worst feelings.

Hush007 it is so funny when you mentioned what you said because that is exactly what I think to myself sometimes. What if this is as good as will ever get for me? Maybe no one else will love me considering all of my problems? Or all of my baggage?

The only good thing is that I have been doing very good on letting drugs go, and very rarly slip up. I am pretty good at dealing with this crazy life and everything it throws my way, so I am keeping hope that I will beat this. Lets hope.

big trouble

Wozzek I am very sorry to hear about all of your loss. I am sure that it is not easy for you. I probably could help you find a nice pretty girl unfortunatly they are all drinkers, just not to my extent. But the last time I brought one of my freinds guy pals over my boyfreind threw him off the porch (literally) because he thought that this guy was flirting with me. So it would be at your own risk, LOL. Sorry for my dark humor, but sometimes I just laugh at how rediculas things have become. When you sail through life the way that I do you have to have some kind of humor.

Tazman53

BT trust me when I say this I would like you sit down down some place quiet and calmly ask your self this one simple question over and over again until you have an answer that makes sense to every one you know.

"Is it better to stay with a man that one day is going to beat me to death or to take a chance that some one, some where some day, will treat me with the love and respect I deserve?"

If I was you right now I would deal with the thing that is going to kill you first and forget every thing else that may kill you later until you have eleminated the certain fate that awaits you if you stay with him.... death!

Once you have removed the danger of him killing you which he will one day as long as you stay with him there is really not much purpose in worrying about any thing else.

Hush007

Nicely put Taz!

BT,...I want you to know there are a lot of people here who are behind you. But please do something about this whole mess that you're in cuz it really breaks my heart to hear the sh** you have to go trough.

You have to make some hard descisions to put your life back on track but do it cuz you deserve a better life sugah'. Get some help,... not only online but also "in the real world".

I wish you the best,

Philip

wozzek

Good, you can find me some barfly, I can get back to drinking, befriend this nice genius of yours so we both could have some more fun by throwing you and her off the porch.

wozzek

This is what alcohol does - EVERYONE here, everyone and I am positive none would scold me for stating this had such feelings while overcame by alcohol. Thus, it is not you who's worthless it is alcohol telling you such baloney so to have you enslaved forever. It is convenient for it to have you devoting your time, money, feelings to its evil throne. Once you stop, you'd feel better.

Sorry I missed that part but who loves you now? This guy you were referring as someone who's beating / abusing you for ages? The genius who "educated" you? My gosh... girl... I can understand the pain but as Taz would say, being brutally honest with oneself is one, crucial and necessary step towards the betterment.

You are in a symbiosis of pain (where he inflicts and you accept it) and you fed on it. You feel bad and seems there are some reasons to feel that way but this is a vicious cycle, you are nurturing a beast (two beasts in fact, another one is outside) and are addicted to your pain, your booze and your violent bozo. At the present it suits you well and this is horrible. The good news is, you are aware what's going on. Good luck.

big trouble

I know that I am a pinata/ pin cushion. But In my heart I always feel like if I change, he will love me more and treat me better. However, on a better note, I got a call from the rehab center I have been waiting to get into. It is a thirty day inpatient program that I have been waiting for weeks to get into. They said that I should be in by next week. My brother is so excited for me, he knows I have this problem we just never talk about it. He even offered to watch my animals, I have a cute little white dog and two cats. I don't want to leave them but it wont be forever. So I guess that the sun decided to shine on me.

Thank you everyone again for your help. I will still keep posting but I am wondering if I can bring my laptop there.

CarolD

Wow! that is good news!

This is the time for you to break those
bonds that keep you miserable.

Prayers for your healing going out.

big trouble

Thank you Carol.

big trouble

I am kind of really happy but scared at the same time, its always hard to leave your home, but I guess I have to do what I have to do. My fiance is in a really good mood today, he is not always mean. I think he may have a problem too, so in a way it is really not fair to judge him either. Every one has their own problems, it would be like someone judgeing me or any of us, I am pretty sure. When he loves, he really loves, but when he gets mad he is mad. But he has stuck by me through a lot of problems that I have had. So I guess I have to see what happens. Thank you everyone again. I will always stay in touch, this is a great place to come and share.

big trouble

By the way these are a couple more songs that I love if anyone wants to listen to them. Five for fighting "The devil in the wishing well", Lenny Kravits "Believe", Nada Sulf "Always Love".

And no one has to ever worry about me, unless you want to. When you do I will always appreciate it, and love you for it but I don't want anyone to be afraid for me. Because I feel bad when other people feel bad.

Hush007

Rehab huh Sugah'. Good for you! Going there will be the second step (first one was coming here) towards a better life. I wish you the best! We'll be here whenever you need us!

Big hug,

Philip

wozzek

See?, - it is already your second, third, fourth step towards the betterment!! BRAVA!!, so now be brave, this is great thing.

So you had to smugle in his "education" . I can only hope you'd be able to face your true feelings once you're better.

Another sign of the betterment coming. Your brother is supporting you! And once when you start talking you'd be amazed what a nice, honest talk can do for any kind of relationship.

Tazman53

I am very happy you will going into rehab.... the primary reason though is not that you will get sober in there, the primary reason is to where once you are sober you will be able to see that your fiance DOES NOT LOVE YOU!

Do you love your pets? Do you beat your pets when you are mad?

You know the answer right now, but the alcohol will not let you accept the answer that the only reason that he says he loves you is because you let him beat you!

Please for the love of God or what ever, when you get into rehab let them know as soon as possible that your fiancee who claims he loves you, LOVES TO BEAT YOU!!!!

In rehab you will get sober and learn that his beating you in reality is because he hates you! He hates you because you let him beat you while he claims to love you.
Do you have any friends that say "Gee I wish my lover would beat the hell out of me!"?

Have you seen one man one this board saying you deserve to be beat?

Have you seen a single person here say "Gee he must really love you, he beats you."?

I hope with all my heart that once you get into rehab that you let them know you are in a SICK relationship. They will get you all the help you need.

They will first teach you that nobody deserves to be beaten.

They will teach you that as long as you stay with the person beating you the beating will get worse and worse and happen more often and will not stop until he has killed you!
They will teach you that some one who is abusive is sick and will not ever get better as long as they are with someone who will stay with them while they beat them!

I wish you all the best, the main reason you do not see just how special you are is because you have an arse-hole who claims he loves you, beating you, once you get away from the scum bag who is lying to you about his love just to where he can keep beating you, you will slowly start to realize that he is the scum of the earth and he does not love you.

You will find out that there are REAL men in the world that will love you without beating you for who you are and could care less about your past.

Did I mention that men who love women do NOT EVER HIT THEM?

CarolD

As you can see from our replies BT
this abusive living situation is scaring us.

It's not your fault
but there is a time to
get away from danger.

Take this time in re hab to rethink and plan
for a peaceful healthy new life.

Blessings