came2believe

OK, you guys know I have 13 months sobriety in AA. Way back when I first began I asked my husband to take all the booze out of the house. My husband drinks once in a blue moon. I can count on one hand the number of times he has had a drink since I got sober.

There was this certain bottle of expensive vodka he did not want to throw out, so he agreed to hide it somewhere I would "never find it." I wasn't thrilled but it sounded like a reasonable compromise. However, I continued to think about that vodka. Not intending to drink it-but just knowing it was there-troubled me.

I spoke at length with my sponsor about it, maybe about 3-4 months back. And she said I ought to make it clear to him how deadly serious a relapse could be for me and that I needed to go to ANY lengths to protect my sobriety. She said that she & her husband learnt the hard way and after 1 year she relapsed on some booze that had been lying around the house because she felt it was more important to 'let him have it around' then to protect her sobriety.

After that they no longer keep anything in the house. But she emphasized to me, this was MY choice. Some AAs keep booze in the house for guests, some do not. Usually those who do have a good length of sobriety under their belt.

So I had a talk with my husband and he agreed to get rid of the alcohol. The thing was the vodka was expensive and he didn't want to give it to just anyone. At least that is what he said.

A few days ago I discovered his "great" hiding place. Really there were two hiding places. One was a plastic grocery bag hanging off the door to our office (there was that unmistakeable CLINK and I discovered a bottle of red wine). Not that great of a hiding place, lol.

I told him to get rid of it please and asked if he had gotten rid of the vodka yet. No, he had not found the right person yet I guess. This was 3-4 months after I had asked him!!!!!

Yesterday later I was tidying the bedroom and he told me 'not to open a certain drawer.' He laughed a little and said that was where the vodka and wine were. I did not understand why he hadn't gotten rid of them, I was hurt but asked him to get rid of them again.

Well today I was cleaning the bedroom and just for the heck of it opened the drawer. There were the two bottles.

He is not drinking them, it is not that. I wonder if it is a power game with him? I am tired of playing it. I threw them out on the driveway (they didn't break) so he would find them when he came home but then my daughter brought them in 'why are these out on the driveway?' I just sighed and decided I would take matters into my own hands. I wrapped them up, put a card with them, and put them on our neighbor's porch as a gift.

I am so angry and furious. I am not sure I handled this right, probably not, but I feel I have not been respected for all this time since I discussed this with my sponsor and I just don't understand why he would not try to do everything he could to help me stay sober. Like I say, it's not like he's drinking them. They are just lying there.

What would you have done???

I guess it is time to call my sponsor.... lol. I have no idea what I will say to him when he comes home.

came2believe

LOL, It's the ONE freakin' time since she agreed to be my sponsor that her cellphone is turned off... doesn't that just figure???

kpnewlife

Hey came2, good for you for taking matters in your own hands. This matter is about YOUR sobriety and YOUR life. You gave him more than ample time to remedy the situation on his own, so don't feel bad about doing it the way you did. I'm sure things are more complicated in a marriage (I'm no longer even in a relationship) but I don't think there is a whole lot to discuss with him. Just be completely honest and tell him what you did and why. Don't apologize, just explain this was something you needed to do. I'm not sure how much advice I can give on discussing how hurt you feel that he seemingly ignored your request for so long. Communication is not a strong point of mine. My gut tells me that you should bring it to his attention that it was kind of a betrayal and certainly disrespectful to you which is completely unacceptable. Don't worry about it too much in the meantime. We alcoholics have a tendency of blowing things way out of proportion when it comes to worries and fears. I'm sure it will be fine.

13 months is awesome. Today is 60 days for me.
kp

laurie6781

Came2believe. If I were your sponsor........................I would first remind you that the BB tells us that "we no longer walk all over people, NOR DO WE ALLOW THEM TO WALK ALL OVER US."

Second I would suggest you look at your priority list which I hope would be:

HP first,
then Yourself,
then those around you in order of importance to you.

Third I would suggest that you look at your motives................was your action because this was affecting your sobriety? (your peace and serenity) or to get back at him? for totally disrespecting you? or a bit of both.

As to telling him, .......................... just tell him you requested many times he get rid of them as it was affecting your sobriety and he totally disrespected you, thus you took the matter into your own hands.

Personally, I would have done the same thing, only a lot sooner, roflmao. You certainly put yourself thru some hell trying to compromise. WOW my hat is off to you!!!!!!!

I am sure your sponsor will tell you, actually you reported she already has, she told you from her own personal experience.

Take some deep breathes. You did what you needed to do for your sobriety. You get my thumbs up on this one!!!!!!

Congrats on your 13 months. I am still convinced after my thousands of ODAATs that the first several years are the hardest. YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!!!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

CarolD

Mega Hugs...
you are a lot more tolerant than I
I would have poured them out when I saw them.

ButI am the happiest divorcee'
I know! LOL

best

Dump it or give it away?
A waste of money to dump it. A waste of money to give it away.
That is how I look at it but comes a time that I need do what is best for me.
I wouldn't bring it to his attention that you gifted it. If a day comes that he goes looking for it and asks about it... your emotions over this matter will have settled down and without any effort you can say in a soft gentle tone...
Oh those bottles? I gave them away ages ago.
No need to carry things any further then that.

chip

Hello Came2,
I'm almost at 13 months clean + sober. My wife has started drinking again, and I guess I'm not thrilled about it. I don't know what I would do in your situation, but I think you did the right thing. Good job standing up for yourself. It sounds like your husband is either very forgetful, spaced out, or playing a power game. It was time to take matters into your own hands. He'll get over it.

I like Best's suggestion of not saying anything untill he notices they are missing. That way, the issue can be addressed when everyone is calm.

My wife has her little booze stash in our storage room. I just try not to think about it. She drinks about a 26 a week. I don't like it when she leaves her bottle beside the computer. The other night, I was in our storage room and I could smell the empty beer bottles. For some reason, it agitated me and I had to get out of there.
peace,
chip

GlassPrisoner

Hmmmm. First thing that comes to mind is the quote in the Big Book about living on an iceburg in Greenland and the eskimo.......

Second, maybe I'm missing something, but it's just a bottle of booze. I really don't see the importance of spending so much time and emotion over you obsessing over it & him moving it around, refusing to give it away.

came2believe

Thank you guys for your replies & support! Actually it turned out to be no big deal at all. I told my husband what I had done and that I had done it because I had been asking for 3-4 months, and he appeared to be either unable or unwilling to give the items away. He just said "oh, did you tell the neighbour why you were doing this?" I said "no she wasn't home." Then he said he wasn't upset about it and I assume this will be the end of it.

I am pretty good about not being attracted to alcohol. The more I work the steps the more I can see the "whole drink"--not just the drink, but the consequences, the hangover, the guilt & shame, the ill feeling... and, so usually the thought of it makes me ill. But at this point I feel I can't be too safe PLUS it was something I had asked him to do for a long time.

Thank you again! xo

scorpy

There is a bottle of wine in my kitchen cabinet that is not mine, although I suppose I can just grab it and drink it.

I view it as a symbol of mind over matter, victory over alcohol cravings, knowing that I never think about touching it. I am in the position of being comfortable with the presence of alcohol anywhere anytime and not be bother by it. Back then if I wanted to drink, I would go out and buy cheap wines, but never think about touching that particular bottle in the house.

gypsytears

Interesting predicament. You have received responses and already taken action so it doesn't really matter any longer I suppose. I understand... the cost of the vodka money wise vs. the cost of your sobriety and/or piece of mind... no brainer .

came2believe

I hope some day to be there. That's the Step 10 promise and I am still working on a good, solid Step 10 daily.

And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone - even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in FIT spiritual condition.

I'm less consistent than I'd like to be on my 10. I guess that's why the promise comes true less often then I would like it to! LOL. Keep on working I guess!

barb dwyer

hi-

I think it was a bit of both.
(power thing/tempt thing)
Regardless - you got through it.
sounded like a 'win-win' to me, hon!

*cheer*

Here at work, they find bottles , cases, 12+ packs left in rooms all the time.
I went to the GM and asked if it could be put somewhere other than the employee fridge.
(everybody here knows I'm in recovery)

I was straight about it -
where I am right now in my recovery -

It's too much like knowing there's a naked ugly person in the next room.
I'm not going to DO anything with or about either one,
it's just something you can't get out of yer head once it's there, ya know? I'm here for the job (sorta) and am just not in a place where there can be those kind of distractions ...
(be they naked ugly people -OR- booze all over the break room)
whichever. truly. I mean ... dang.



Right after that (this has been several months ago - I was brand new sobering up) several other employees came to me and thanked me for speaking up ... they were also in recovery, and it'd apparently bothered them, as well .. but they'd never spoken up about it.

Someday, it won't be a matter for me, either. But right now, I look on it as 'something I can change'.

Doug

Think long and hard for a minute.....

Same situation, same people. But this time, he's in recovery, and you're the normie with the high dollar vodka.

What would you do?

came2believe

That's why it bothered me so much I guess.

I know what I would have done, I would have gotten rid of it right away.

I guess I did the right thing then. It is just disappointing that I had to do it.

Tally

My ABF told me point blank that if/when he gives up drinking he expects me not to drink either...that pissed me off...

Maybe your partner resents not being able to have a drink now and again..just a thought...

Nuudawn

I think you did the right thing. As we know, we can't make anyone do anything. I too would be hurt if a person I cared for did not grasp the gravity of my struggle and was unsupportive. It's possible he just simply didn't realize how important it was to you. I tend to agree with kpnewlife that it may be something you want to discuss with your husband to prohibit any festering resentment...and to further truth and intimacy. People are often uncomfortable with changes in others close to us. Maybe subconsciously there was a reason your husband was draggin his feet on the issue...shouldn't hurt to ask.

lostmdboy

Hey Came2, I was in about the same cituation, but one saturday that bottle was calling my name hard. It was everything I could do not to oick it up. I had repeatedly asked the wife to get rid of it. Until one day I just pored it daown the sink. Like the next day when she discovered it. She came accusing me of drinking it. That did not go over very well, but I am sober, and happy about it. Guess it is important to remember normal drinkers just do not understand what it is like to be am alcoholoc.

BigGirlPanties

Heroin can be expensive.

Ask him if it were an expensive 8 ball, would he be so inclined to leave it around til he found the right person to give it to.

He obviously does not grasp the severity of this fatal disease.

Tazman53

C2B I feel you did the right thing:

"The courage to change the things I can"

Sounds to me as though you had something you could change and you had the courage to change it, so you did!