PurpleReign

Hi all,
I'm so glad I found this place. I remember being drunk one night searching desperately for a forum or chat room or ANYTHING that could bring me some peace and understanding. Ironically, I found the site when I was sober - imagine that

I'm here because I know I have a problem with drinking and I need some advice on how I can manage this. I've been to a few AA meetings and really hated them - I WANT to like them and try very hard to get something out of each meeting but it most times it doesn't come to me in the "ah-ha" moment I was hoping for. I've got a copy of the Big Book and started reading it last night. The strange thing was, as I was reading it - I came across a story of a guy that had a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and the book in the middle the night he decided to clean himself up. So out of blatant stupidity I decided to grab a 12 pack and read the Big Book. What an idiot!

I've quit grad school, my job is in jeopardy, I've lost my girlfriend(s), my family and friends are fed up, and the list goes on...the bottom is here and I really need some help ladies and gents.

Any and all advice/support is welcome. Thanks for reading.

collinsmi

One thing that helped me early on was to see similarities with the people in the big book stories and to identify with stuff in the first part of the book (up to page 42). Some meetings turn me off too. If you can find some where people are talking about what they did to get better (concrete examples) instead of complaining, stick with those meetings.

best

Welcome to SR PurpleReign

Three thing, no... four things you have going for you...
1) You admit there is a problem.
2) You started looking into a solution (AA meetings)
3) You started reading the big book.
4) You are realizing that you feel you at at your bottom.

You are a few steps forward of many who start seeking answers.

Now as to calling yourself an idiot... That is wrong.
With seeing the error of picking up the 12 pack and seeing that "the action" was not the best thing you could have done... that does not make you an idiot. I would say that makes you very smart...you are realizing mistakes and errors. Now what to do about it?

Keep reading that Big Book.
Give some more meetings a try.
Have a look about here at SR and be sure to read the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the top of the forums.
Ask questions.
As we know better we will do better.

The best way to stop is not start. Don't pick up that first beer.
I know for me... One beer equals two and two equals a whole night.
One beer , Two beer, Three beer...floor.

Your not alone on this journey.
You can do it.
There is support all around.
When we put our feet in motion and work at it, we do find the answers.
You can do it... I know this because I was able to do it.

PurpleReign

Thank you so much Best.

You're right about one beer for me, I'm the same way - the old saying "One is too many and 1000 is never enough" couldn't be further from the truth.

I've also heard that addiction makes intelligent people sound stupid - for example my thinking that "if I can just drink long enough to completely ruin my life, I'll hit bottom faster and be able to start recovery sooner." How crazy does that sound??? Yet at one point I thought that.

I have been reading some of the stickys (found after I read another post give the same advice to a newbie like myself.)

I just can't figure out why I can go a few days without a drink and then ruin it all by drinking again. I wish I could get to the heart of the matter and put my foot down once and for all.

Also, sometimes I think I hide behind my honesty, let me explain. I have no trouble admitting my faults, but sometimes I think I can just admit fault and that gives me free reign to continue to process. 1. Drink 2. Admit fault. 3. Drink, etc. Does that make sense? It's as if my admitting fault is in some ways a denial of the very problem - so very counterintuitive.

I just really don't know how to turn on the motivational switch in my head and never look back...when will enough be enough?

Thanks again Best and others.

CarolD

Here are excerpts from the book that convinced me to quit

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I do hope you find answers
Sobriety Rocks!

UncleEarl

I gotta say, I laughed out loud when I read that you picked up 12 beers to read the big book. Been there, done that: "I'm a smart guy, I can read. If I read this book while I'm drinking, maybe I won't drink anymore." NOT. Alcohol has it's own logic.

I doubt there is a universal "motivational switch" (your phrase) to which every addict can appeal to start taking steps towards recovery. "Admitting fault" (again, your phrase) is not the same as saying, "I have no control over this, I am an addict with a serious problem."

My own turning point happened when I realized that I was not turning into, but had become, the very person I never wanted to be. My turning point came when I said: "I have a problem, my life is falling apart, I have become a liar, and much as I've tried to solve my problem alone, I cannot. I need help."

We all have different bottom-points. If you can minimize the damage NOW, take whatever steps are necessary to do it. As I'm sure every person here will attest to, alcohol addiction moves one's life in one, and only one, direction: it ain't a pretty place.

Good luck and welcome to SR! It's been a godsend for an athiest like me.

Earl

Tazman53

Earl that cracked me up! LOL

Purplereign welcome to SR, I had to laugh when I read you say you grabbed a 12 pack while reading the Big Book!!! Why?

Well the first AA meeting I ever went to was about 4-5 years ago, I had been drinkiing all day and was pretty lit when my wife got home, she had been in my case about drinkng for a while already at that point and I had been trying to quit/moderate for about 4-5 years at that time. Any how she gets all in my case and more to appease her then anything else I went to an AA meeting, of course on the way there I picked up a 6 pack and killed three before I got to the meeting, the only thing I can tell you about the meeting was it was a speakers meeting and the guy who was speaking.

For some reason I bought a BB that night and then killed the rest of the six on the way home. Funny thing, I didn't get a darn thing out of that meeting. Over the next 2-3 days I read the BB sitting in my garage drinking! For some reason I did not get a thing out of the BB drunk.

I would highly reccommend you read "The Doctors Opinion" in the beginning of the BB, what you will learn there is that alcoholism is a disease, your disease is what is causing you to drink now. The "The Doctors Opinion" was written in about 1939. The doctor was years before his time in realizing that alcoholism was a physical disease that effected the thought process of alcoholics as well as creating a spiritual malady.

Other studies have also reached the same conclusion with far more scientific evidence to back thier conclusions. Read the book "Under the Influence which was written in the 70's, it not only proves that alcohlism is a physical disease, but points out that AA is by far the best program to maintain long term sobriety.

After trying for 10 years to stop/moderate my drinking I gave up, I surrendered to alcohol, it was easier to admit defeat then it was to be miserable all the time trying to quit. Several weeks after this my wife informed me that her parents were helping her find another home for her and our kids to where they could leave me!

I went into my garage, popped open another beer and in a moment of clarity I realized that if I lost my wife and kids that I would drink myself to a slow alcoholic death losing everything along the way! I finished up that beer and then went inside and made a doctors appointment to put myself into detox. I did some research and found out there was medicine that was anti-craving so being the good alcohlic I was that is what I asked the doctor for instead of detox.

Thank God he did not go with my plan, we spoke at length about my drinking and he told me that pills were not going to do someone like me any good, he talked me into going into detox and set it up for me. I told my wife what I had done and she just shook her head and said "We'll see." Well for the next several weeks I continued to drink in the garage like my disease demanded.

Long story short, in detox I was taught that if I wanted to stay sober I needed to go into AA, get a sponsor and go to at least 90 meetings in 90 days. I was a broken man when I went into detox and a guy who was in there said the reason he had relapsed after 9 years of sobriety was he "Quit following directions", when asked what he planned on doing when he was detoxed, he said get back into AA and "Follow Directions".

I wanted to stay sober so I followed directions, I went to AA, I got a sponsor, I went to more then 90 meetings in 90 days. I then followed the directions of my sponsor, do not pick up, call him and 2 other AA members every day even if it is to do no more then say "Hello, how are you, I am doing fine", read/study the BB, come to meetings, and pray daily.

Guess what? By following directions I am happier then I have been in 30+ years, the urge/need to drink has been lifted, and I have been sober now for 130 days and have never had a relapse since I went into detox. I drank for a total of 40 years.

You have gotten soome good advice, try out different meetings, get a sponsor along with phone numbers of other folks in AA. When you go to a meeting go about 15 minutes early, this will give you a chance to talk to someone, and then stay after the meeting for a little bit. When you introduce your self mention you are looking for a sponsor.

One more very important thing, if you are asked to share and you don't want to, simply say " I just want to listen tonight", I do it all the time, I have shared though, but have found that I learn more by listening.

Another thing to keep in mind while in meetings, you will hear some folks say some things occasionaly that you think are crazy!! Guess what? They may be, remember there are some people who are still working on getting their heads together.

When you are listening, take what you can use home with you, and what you can not use leave it at the meeting. I do it all the time.

Well I have darn near written a book so I guess I will let someone else have the floor right now after I say just one more thing, try to find a "Beginners meeting to go to if there is one in the area.

PurpleReign

Carol, Earl, Taz...

Thanks for the great advice, I can see this is going to be a new home for me to help myself and others "beat" this.

I've ordered the book you've mentioned "Under the Influence." I was in rehab as well but for sleeping pills, I never really had a problem with alcohol until recently (about a year or so - but it has gotten very bad recently) so it just goes to show you that addiction is addiction regardless of what we use to alter our state of mind.

Again, thank you for both the words of kindness and of wisdom - please KEEP THEM COMING!

PR

PurpleReign

Hey guys,
I just got home from a movie with family and had a couple of voicemails from friends inviting me to meet them out for drinks. These are friends that don't know of my problem with drinking and so I just didn't call back. I'm not strong enough to be in a bar/club and just watch people drink.

My question is, how do many of you deal with this without telling your friends why...I'd really like to keep this to myself with those friends that aren't aware. I understand the whole "if there good friends they'll understand" concept. Is there a way to have my cake and eat it too? Have any of you dealt with/still deal with this issue?

I'm trying to play the tape through, but I don't want to give up friends that drink just because they drink - most of them don't have a problem, but I do.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

marius404

You can always just tell your friends you decided to stop drinking.Say you quit because you don't think its healthy. Or that your trying to loose a few extra pounds.Hell, there are lots of people in the world who don't drink AND are not alcoholics. If they don't know you have a problem they prolly wont bug you to much about not feeling like drinking. If they do know your an alcoholic.....well, they probably won't want to bring up the subject and so still won't bug ya about drinking.

I wouldn't sweat it. The hard part is convincing yourself that you are incapable of having one drink. Ya gotta really, really believe that there is not a single reason in the world to justify having just one drink. Because we all know what happens after that first one.

kpnewlife

I was the same way. I would drink for three or four nights in a row and then go two or three without even thinking about it. The heart of the matter is that alcoholism is a physical disease as tazman pointed out. It's a chronic, progressive disease. It's not going to go away and it's always going to get worse.

As for dealing with friends, some people will tell you you must get rid of all of your drinking friends. I have a hard time accepting this but it comes from people with a lot of sobriety most of the time. If you accept that this is a disease and there is nothing to be ashamed of, you shouldn't care who knows about it (not that it's any of their business really). Adopting this attitude is easier said than done. I'm still working on it. A lot of times I just tell people I don't drink anymore and most of them don't ask for a reason. I have told some people that it's a problem for me and some that I'm alcoholic. So far, everyone has respected this and not said much more than "good for you for quitting". If any of my "friends" try to push me into drinking or refuse to respect my decision, then I'll know who to avoid in the future.

I still don't want to go to AA meetings all the time, but I try to think of what an old timer said. If you don't want to come to meetings, keep coming back until you do want to. Then you can stop coming.

PurpleReign

No doubt about that...I'm in the process of wrestling with the idea of NEVER having a drink again and I'll be completely candid, it scares the sh#t out of me. I'm both scared and angry that I have this disease and I wonder at what point can I go out to the clubs with my friends with full confidence that I won't drink? Time takes time as they say...

Not drinking to be healthy is a great thing to say, but at this point I don't want to put myself in that type of trigger situation.

Thanks.

PurpleReign

Two great points. I've been told to ditch my old friends when in rehab, and those that caused problems were ditched - but these aren't the type of friends that would cause me grief for not drinking - it's really just the explanation of why I'm avoiding the venues.

Awesome advice from the old timer, that was a nice ah-ha moment for me.

Thanks.

best

Depended on what "so called" friend I was out with. One was very toxic but we did things other then drink many times...just drank while doing it.
Another friend... we could drink or not drink and had a blast.

For me...the clubs stopped when I realized that the only reason I was going...it was cold outside and it was a warm place to drink on the weekends (that turned into week days)
Lets watch football..Why? because we like the game or because we liked getting together and drinking the day away?
Lets have a BBQ...Why? because we like the food and friendship or because it is an excuse to get together and get drunk?

I came to realize that some things I liked for what they are...while sober.
Some things we did just as an excuse to get drunk every night that we could.

With full confidence, I can go any place now...as long as I don't pick up that first one. With confidence I can say no to going any place because I realized...it just wasn't a fun thing to do.

CarolD

I told all my drinking friends that I was quitting
and going to AA.
I stopped working and hanging out in bars.
I dumped my still drinking lover.

I think the bottom line is
Do you want to stay sober more than you want to drink?

chip

Welcome Purplereign.

I'll echo other's comments about the lifestyle changes.

For an alcoholic, quitting is a very difficult thing to do. The addiction is very powerful. In early sobriety, you are best off to avoid temptation. Even if you don't fall into temptation, wouldn't it be nice not to have to struggle with it when it's in your face? My advice is to stay away from drinking actvities in your early sobriety.

You know all this stuff anyway.... You want advice on how to avoid the venues.

If you are anything like I am, you've got to really want to get sober to get sober. If you really want it, you'll do whatever you have to do to get it. It will certainly mean a change in lifestyle.

In the short term, it might mean telling some "little white lies".

At some point, if your friends are important to you, you should tell them the truth. You could start doing "sober" stuff with them that doesn't involve bars or clubs. You may find that you'll start to gravitiate towards like minded individuals who don't drink...

All this stuff is a ways off. For now, I'd do whatever I've gotta do not to drink. I hope you'll keep posting too.
chip

UncleEarl

Friends? You still have friends? (just kidding)

I'm fortunate enough to have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances, some of whom drink heavily and some of whom don't drink at all. I don't feel compelled on any level to wear a banner on my sleeve that says to the world, "I'm an alcoholic...yippee!"
However..and this is purely my own personal "thing"...I have decided to open up about my alcoholism to a few of my closer friends as a sort of self-purification process. The only significant lie that I have ever told my friends was about the extent of my drinking. I'm trying to set that straight now.

Just out of interest, my admission has been met with mixed responses, albeit with 100% support. One of my favourite responses was from one of my closest friends who kept up with my drinking at the best (well, worst) of times. It went something like this:
Her: "Wow! It's great that you can admit that to yourself. *I* don't have a drinking problem, I just like to drink."
Me: "I didn't say that YOU had a drinking problem, I said that I'm an alcoholic and doubt I can ever drink again."
Her: "We can still do non-drinking things together. I know I'm a binge drinker but I don't drink EVERY day."
Me: "I don't want you to change your behaviour for me. I'm the last person in the world to judge you or anyone else for their behaviours. I was referring to the fact that I'm an out-of-control addict."
Her: "Remember last year? I quit drinking for a month."
Me: "Yes I remember. I'm not accusing YOU of being a drunk, I'm just owning up to my own problem."

etc...

The humour for me was the way that she took my addmission to be an accusation. But I digress...

Back to topic....a typical conversaton might be:
Friend: "Huh?! YOU?!? Not drinking???"
Me: "Nah, I think I need a little break."

That's all.

I have extracted myself from drinking situations (I'm an amateur musician who jams a lot and occasionally plays in bars) because I don't feel strong enough to be around a room full of booze and drunks yet. If I can NEVER return to those situations, so be it. Sober folk are a helluva lot wittier than drunks, not to mention they are better musicians.

Hope that helps.

Earl

PurpleReign

That's a good point Best. Being a single guy, after having made all my gfs run for the hills from my addiction, I enjoy the clubs/bars to meet women. But I guess the question becomes, "Is that the only place to meet women?" Obviously not, so taking that layer out of the equation, maybe I am just using that reason as a smokescreen to get drunk at a club.

PurpleReign

You're damn right Carol.

You've got a lot of courage to do what you did and are an inspiration, thank you!

PurpleReign

Chip, I think that's yet another thing I'm wrestling with - do I really WANT to be sober - on paper I do, according to what I've lost I do, but in my heart do I REALLY WANT to be sober. Obviously, a question only I can answer - but this site makes it easier to stand my ground and I grateful for that and all of you.