attitude-need another perspective on this
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
attitude-need another perspective on this
hi, i thought i would post over here to get another perspective or thoughts from those that have been through it. ah is 37 days sober and his attitude seems worse 
he seems to have no regard or respect for my feelings at all. i guess what you see on tv isn't always true ...the ah is so grateful and happy and healthy and everything is better. he is showing no affection or love for me at all. he is just being extremely selfish and self centered right now and not thinking things through.
he has torn a hole in the closet of our house to the basement because he wants to change the entrance to the basement-just went and did it. turns out this is not going to work out as well as he thought, but have to deal with it cause it is already done. he won't admit it wasn't a good idea though.
the breaking point for me was that i made it clear that i was very against ripping up carpet and putting tile in a room in our house and he is doing it anyway. to top it off he had his mother go with him and pick out tile for OUR house. the MIL did this knowing full well that i was against it. he ripped up the carpet and put the hole in the wall and then says he does not plan on doing these things for months. also, i don't know where the money for these repairs is going to come from. he is not working right now.
so, okay, i understand he wants things to do because he is bored not drinking. i suggested other things he could do or that we could do together and he says that his sobriety comes first and he is going to do what he needs to stay sober and i should let him. does that include having total disregard for me? he says that all i wanted was him sober and i got it. he thinks this give him permission to act and do anything he wants.
i think that two people in a marriage have to agree on things that are being done.
so, i am trying to set boundaries and be strong about it, but i feel really bad because he is 37 days sober and i would love so much to be able to support him through it and heck, just be able to give him a big hug, but it seems impossible when i can't get through to him at all.
he says that now that he is sober he is not sure he wants to be married and seems like he has completely checked out of it. he says that once he reads the letter of how alcoholism has effected me that he wants to just rip it up and throw it away.
is this the real person showing through or is it still the effects of alcoholism? does he mean the things he says? any advice, thoughts, understanding?
he seems to have no regard or respect for my feelings at all. i guess what you see on tv isn't always true ...the ah is so grateful and happy and healthy and everything is better. he is showing no affection or love for me at all. he is just being extremely selfish and self centered right now and not thinking things through. he has torn a hole in the closet of our house to the basement because he wants to change the entrance to the basement-just went and did it. turns out this is not going to work out as well as he thought, but have to deal with it cause it is already done. he won't admit it wasn't a good idea though.
the breaking point for me was that i made it clear that i was very against ripping up carpet and putting tile in a room in our house and he is doing it anyway. to top it off he had his mother go with him and pick out tile for OUR house. the MIL did this knowing full well that i was against it. he ripped up the carpet and put the hole in the wall and then says he does not plan on doing these things for months. also, i don't know where the money for these repairs is going to come from. he is not working right now.
so, okay, i understand he wants things to do because he is bored not drinking. i suggested other things he could do or that we could do together and he says that his sobriety comes first and he is going to do what he needs to stay sober and i should let him. does that include having total disregard for me? he says that all i wanted was him sober and i got it. he thinks this give him permission to act and do anything he wants.
i think that two people in a marriage have to agree on things that are being done.
so, i am trying to set boundaries and be strong about it, but i feel really bad because he is 37 days sober and i would love so much to be able to support him through it and heck, just be able to give him a big hug, but it seems impossible when i can't get through to him at all.
he says that now that he is sober he is not sure he wants to be married and seems like he has completely checked out of it. he says that once he reads the letter of how alcoholism has effected me that he wants to just rip it up and throw it away.
is this the real person showing through or is it still the effects of alcoholism? does he mean the things he says? any advice, thoughts, understanding?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I was divorced when I was active in my alcoholism
and have stayed that way in recovery.
So I have no experience with your situation.
I would think marriage counseling would be wise.
As money is an issue..see if you can find
a church based one for no fee.
I also think Al anon for you is smart.
Just my thoughts...Hugs
and have stayed that way in recovery.
So I have no experience with your situation.
I would think marriage counseling would be wise.
As money is an issue..see if you can find
a church based one for no fee.
I also think Al anon for you is smart.
Just my thoughts...Hugs
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I agree with Carol...Al-anon would be a great start. Is your husband in some sort of recovery/support group or counselling? It sounds to me like your husband is feeling both angry and deprived about his decision to quit drinking.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Is he working any kind of program ? AA ?
I was cranky, depressed, anxious, angry and indecisive in my first few weeks. However once I started working the steps, these feelings lessened by a large degree.
I was cranky, depressed, anxious, angry and indecisive in my first few weeks. However once I started working the steps, these feelings lessened by a large degree.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
thanks
i have gone to alanon. ah is doing outpatient treatment four days a week and then he also goes to AA meetings. we went to marriage counseling for a while and then he decided he wanted to do seperate counseling, so we have done that. now that he is in outpatient treatment he stopped going to counseling. he is supposed to call to start counseling again, but hasn't. i still go on my own.
that was my take, was that right now life without me and being able to drink is looking a lot better than with me and not being able to drink. also, i was told that sometimes it is hard for the alcoholic to face the person they have hurt? not that he seems too concerned about that right now. he is angry i know and doing everything he can to fight me (the enemy)
he says that he is having moments of clarity that is causing this. i have heard that they are in a fog for a year?
i am just wondering what i am missing here or the best way to handle it?
that was my take, was that right now life without me and being able to drink is looking a lot better than with me and not being able to drink. also, i was told that sometimes it is hard for the alcoholic to face the person they have hurt? not that he seems too concerned about that right now. he is angry i know and doing everything he can to fight me (the enemy)
he says that he is having moments of clarity that is causing this. i have heard that they are in a fog for a year?
i am just wondering what i am missing here or the best way to handle it?
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Santa Monica
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by hopeangel 
not that he seems too concerned about that right now. he is angry i know and doing everything he can to fight me (the enemy) i am just wondering what i am missing here or the best way to handle it?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Hope,
I think now would be a wonderful time for you to start dealing with your relationship with you. You have likely had years of difficulty due to your husband's alcoholism...in a sick situation we get sick too. Right now, your right, he is likely being extremely selfish and feels "justified" in doing so and he's getting sober and like Wozzek alluded to...metaphorically hitting you with his angry stick. That's simply not nice. You didn't make him a drunk..he did. It's up to him to deal with all the ugly feelings and repressed emotions we alcoholics must face in sobriety. The kindest thing you can do...for both of you.... is lovingly detach from his behaviours etc. Stand back and let him go through what he must and in the meantime getting busy with you. Make no mistake, you are likely sick too. Somehow you need to stop thinking about him and think about you. Give yourself permission to leave him to himself awhile. I don't mean up and leave the guy....just detach...go to Al Anon...read up on codependency and forgiveness and spirituality..whatever you can get your hands to start nourishing you...as focusing on him is only depleting your energy and spirit.
I think now would be a wonderful time for you to start dealing with your relationship with you. You have likely had years of difficulty due to your husband's alcoholism...in a sick situation we get sick too. Right now, your right, he is likely being extremely selfish and feels "justified" in doing so and he's getting sober and like Wozzek alluded to...metaphorically hitting you with his angry stick. That's simply not nice. You didn't make him a drunk..he did. It's up to him to deal with all the ugly feelings and repressed emotions we alcoholics must face in sobriety. The kindest thing you can do...for both of you.... is lovingly detach from his behaviours etc. Stand back and let him go through what he must and in the meantime getting busy with you. Make no mistake, you are likely sick too. Somehow you need to stop thinking about him and think about you. Give yourself permission to leave him to himself awhile. I don't mean up and leave the guy....just detach...go to Al Anon...read up on codependency and forgiveness and spirituality..whatever you can get your hands to start nourishing you...as focusing on him is only depleting your energy and spirit.
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: pensacola, Fl
Posts: 84
Eventualy he will be grateful but right now he is still trying to stay sober. He is going to have to learn how to deal with himself, his emotions, you, and the rest of the world from a whole new sober perspective. Mainly his expression and his own emotions are hard to deal with right now. That is ususally why people drink or get high in the first place. They do so when times get tough or things go wrong so they dont have to deal with the emotional aspect of it but now he hsa nothing to drown the pain and has to face it head on and it hard to learn how to do that and it gets harder the older you are. I know you feel neglected right now but you need to understand that he is still learning and adapting to being sober and still fighting to stay sober. He needs you to teach him and talk to him and help him learn how to be normal and how to feel normal and how to deal. You shouldnt totally put your feelings aside but right now he doesnt know how to deal with them or his own so dont take offense just allow him some time and understand and help to adapt to a sober self and a sober world
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Santa Monica
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by im2sweet4u1983
You shouldnt totally put your feelings aside but right now he doesnt know how to deal with them or his own so dont take offense just allow him some time and understand and help to adapt to a sober self and a sober world
I would understand mood swings, even wild mood swings like in - one day he loves her so much and promises he would try to do whatever it takes to repair damages I assume he has done while a drunk and then, another day he shuts her off and isolates etc., but according to what she said this guy is good in ignoring her, eliminating her from the counseling (he wanted to go alone) quitted the counseling, doing things by himself or with his new ally (the mother) etc.
I do not want to sound pessimistic and to say she should not fight for a marriage and help him to recover, but he is a grown up man who hurt her while he was a drunk and is keep hurting her while recovering. This is not a good sign at all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: de pere, wisconsin
Posts: 23
Well, I have been married for 21 years now, and have been sober for the last several years. I can tell you that in the beginning, I blamed my wife for me having to get sober. You see as an alcoholic and not accepting responsibility for our own actions, we are very self centered. If we can place blame anywhere but where it belongs (with us), we will. Sounds to me like your spouse has not really decided to quit because he knows he is alcoholic and has to surrender to that fact, and want to quit.
What made him decide to stop drinking? I am not a marriage counselor, but I am a drunk, and I can tell ya I was blaming everyone for my problems other then me. I would bet that if he wasnt married he would still be drinking. How long has he been sober? Bob
What made him decide to stop drinking? I am not a marriage counselor, but I am a drunk, and I can tell ya I was blaming everyone for my problems other then me. I would bet that if he wasnt married he would still be drinking. How long has he been sober? Bob
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
this guy is sober for over a month – how much time he needs to “adjust”?
Remember, that the damage done by a life time of drinking does not get repaired is a month or two. This guy probably has to learn how to live and function in a whole new way. I know I do.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
This is just how I was once I sobered up.
I love my wife with all my heart, I know her and the kids went through total hell and a lot of emberasement due to me being a drunk.
The day I got out of de-tox and got home my number one priority was my sobriety, number 2 priority was starting to try and repair all of the damage I had done to my wife and my kids.
The last thing I wanted to do was in any way be sober and be the a-hole I was when I was drinking.
If my wife asked me to do anything I was on it with a smile on my face!
If one of my kids wanted to do something within reason I was all for it.
The last thing I would have done after my 6th day sober was to do any thing that would have reminded them of how I was drinking or to hurt them in any way.
The last thing I would have done was hurt them.
But once again that is this drunk, other drunks I guess are different.
I love my wife with all my heart, I know her and the kids went through total hell and a lot of emberasement due to me being a drunk.
The day I got out of de-tox and got home my number one priority was my sobriety, number 2 priority was starting to try and repair all of the damage I had done to my wife and my kids.
The last thing I wanted to do was in any way be sober and be the a-hole I was when I was drinking.
If my wife asked me to do anything I was on it with a smile on my face!
If one of my kids wanted to do something within reason I was all for it.
The last thing I would have done after my 6th day sober was to do any thing that would have reminded them of how I was drinking or to hurt them in any way.
The last thing I would have done was hurt them.
But once again that is this drunk, other drunks I guess are different.
'55 Classic
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Waco, TX
Posts: 637
Perhaps if you let it be known that the no matter how ugly he treats you, you have no intention in reacting in kind. You haven't said if the two of you have any children, but if not, I'd suddenly get really busy. Go to Alanon and open AA meetings (and not the same ones that he goes to). Do volunteer work. Let him realize that life goes on and just because his world is crappy, it doesn't mean that you have to have it screw yours up. He'll get the picture and you won't even have to say a thing. Don't stay around to look at the mess that he's made. Get out of the house. That's what I do.
I'm married to a recovering alcoholic/addict (who is the sweetest person in the world to me) that in 3 more days will have 22 years. And I have a 16 year old son (teenagers are Mother Natures way of reminding us why some animals eat their young) who is a great kid and both of these two guys are slobs. After a while of cleaning and re-cleaning, and picking up after them I want to scream. (That is soooo understating the damage that these two can do.) So I just "stop". I get out of the house and start hitting the evening meetings hot and heavy and work with my girls. Once I calm down again (and have saved enough money to rent a backhoe) I remind the guys that their habits bug me and lets get the place cleaned up.
I have NO idea on how to help in this situation! I can say that I agree with some of the other folks when they say to work on YOU. If you are Alanon, great! Keep going. But most of all I want to say that when you do get through this, boy, are you going to be able to share with the next person coming along that has a similar problem!
I'm married to a recovering alcoholic/addict (who is the sweetest person in the world to me) that in 3 more days will have 22 years. And I have a 16 year old son (teenagers are Mother Natures way of reminding us why some animals eat their young) who is a great kid and both of these two guys are slobs. After a while of cleaning and re-cleaning, and picking up after them I want to scream. (That is soooo understating the damage that these two can do.) So I just "stop". I get out of the house and start hitting the evening meetings hot and heavy and work with my girls. Once I calm down again (and have saved enough money to rent a backhoe) I remind the guys that their habits bug me and lets get the place cleaned up.
I have NO idea on how to help in this situation! I can say that I agree with some of the other folks when they say to work on YOU. If you are Alanon, great! Keep going. But most of all I want to say that when you do get through this, boy, are you going to be able to share with the next person coming along that has a similar problem!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: pensacola, Fl
Posts: 84
Everyones adjustment time is different the older you are in age the harder it is to adjust to changes in your life. It took me 9 months to "adjust" to having to actually deal with my feelings because i couldnt run away and get high anymore. Every person is different. If she cares for him and wants to be with him and help him then yes she does need to work with him and give him some leeway you cant expect a blind person who is suddenly allowed to see to adjust to the world around him instantly because it is different than what he knows. This man was addicted alcohol as a way of running from his emotions because he didnt want to feel anymore and now he is being forced to feel all those emotions from today and all those yesterdays and it does take time wether you like it or not. If she doesnt care for him then she should just go ahead and think hes an ******* or if she cares for him she can stand by his side and HELP him adjust and HELP him learn how to feel his emotions and not run. Otherwise theres going to be a problem in his recovery. Its just part of getting well is adjusting to your new world and its barely been over a month its not like its been years if it had then I would have a different response but I dont
Coffee Drinker
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lobstah Land
Posts: 1,122
Hope,
I'm just a drunk and for me without AA I would be an emotional wreck. I know, I've tried it.
I'm also a big one for starting projects, only now I finish them. Heck I want to tear up the bathroom really bad but I have promised myself I won't start until I finish the kitchen! :-)
Please know that he may very well drink again. and you should be prepared.
As others have suggested you need to take care of yourself right now.
With love, Ted
I'm just a drunk and for me without AA I would be an emotional wreck. I know, I've tried it.
I'm also a big one for starting projects, only now I finish them. Heck I want to tear up the bathroom really bad but I have promised myself I won't start until I finish the kitchen! :-)
Please know that he may very well drink again. and you should be prepared.
As others have suggested you need to take care of yourself right now.
With love, Ted
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
The very sad thing is I know some folks who after years of drinking finally sobered up and then got divorced. My first sponsor had that happen, I never got into details with him, but I have a feeling he divorced her once he got sober and realized she was no longer the woman he had married 16 years before.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
I'm in agreement with Sheryl - I've no idea how to help so I won't offer any advice. I'll just say that when I first got sober I was loopy for quite a time. I'm not sure that time is finished yet. But I mean well. And I don't **** in the sink any more.....
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