Pawprints

Hiya,

I am 19 and my doctor has told me that I have to stop drinking. This has been a problem for me since I was about 13... and I have given up before but it was HARD. I went through all the standard withdrawal symptoms... shaking, headaches, anxiety, sleeplessness, etc. And yet here I am again, drinking my life away.

I don't want to be this way but I honestly cannot see me being able to give up completely, ever. And I also do not feel that I will ever successfully 'cut down' for a consistent period of time either. So I'm a bit stuck!

It feels like in my head there is some immature, silly monster shouting "I refuse to give up alcohol" over and over. I am quite small, and yesterday I had just over a bottle of wine, and some vodka. And that was a pretty standard/light night. But I have a fairly high tolerance, so I rarely get 'drunk'. I start at about 2pm drinking each day.

I know I'm only young, so this might all sound silly. I apologise if it does. People sometimes don't take me seriously due to my age. But if I'm like this now, I dread to think where I will be if I carry on ruining my life in this way for much longer. My liver works harder than Santa's elves on Christmas Eve! And for now it still functions well. But one day, it won't.

What should / can I do? I'm not going to lie to my doctors and pretend I'm going to give up ... I will be honest and see what they say. Hm.

Thanks for "listening" *hug*

CarolD

Hi amd Welcome to SR!

It's great to see a yong person looking for answers
to their drinking!
Congratulations...a health future can be yours.

I have noticed an increase in young members coming tino
Alcoholics Anonymous.

Have you considered that as a support group?

Did your doctor suggest a de tox or treatment center?

Take care...and keep posting with us

Tazman53

pawprints I am an alcoholic, I drank for 40 years, I hurt more people then you can imagine during that time frame, I raised 4 children into adult hood as a drunk! I raised my youngest 2 up until they were 14 as a drunk. Doesn't that sound great!!! Wow! Those 40 years of drinking were great weren't they! I accomplished a great deal! Look at just the children I screwed up.... my own kids. Do you want to wind up like me?

If you really want to stop the first thing you need to do is get sober, I can tell you it took me longer then a few days of not drinking to even start to get sober.

I can not tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I did, I put my drunk butt into de-tox..... once I got sober I realized I wanted to stay sober but I had no idea how to do that. In de-tox I learned that a group called AA had a program that is succesful but only if you work at it. I wanted to stay sober so I went into AA and followed directions.

Every time I go to an AA meeting it is filled with people just like me, they understand what it is like when I say "I wanted to stop drinking but I could not." They know all about black out drinking, passing out, not giving a damn about any one or any thing, hating myself! They are all alcoholics who know not only how to stop drinking and stay sober, but also how to become happy better people.

Thanks to de-tox, AA, and my Higher Power I have not only been sober without a relapse since I quit for 123 days, but I am happier then I have been in 30 years and the people who mean the most to me who I hurt their entire lifes now respect and love me.

jennf

AA ROX!!

((HUGS))) to you!

Pawprints

Hey,

I have tried AA *once*... and they were nice. But I elt so so stupid because I was so young in comparison. But what is worse... feeling too young for AA or feeling at least tipsy at 3pm about to go to my counsellor.

Taz: the prospect of kids has been a big thing for me. To be honest, my drinking has convinced me I will never be a decent enough mother and made me not want children. I'm not saying people with drinking problems can't / shouldnt have children at all. But for me, it doesnt seem like a good idea. And I can't even have a proper relationship for various reasons.

Congratulations to everyone who has managed to give up drink *big hugs* I am very proud of all of you, and wish I was more like you.

Tazman53

Pawprints, you are a beautiful person with a disease, the disease is alcoholism. It has 3 faces:

1. The mental obsession with alcohol.
2. The physical craving for more alcohol.
3. The destruction of ones spirituality.

Hon there is a solution, for me it was AA. I am not sure where you live in the UK, but I would bet money you can find at least one youth/young adult group of AAs. Here in the US even in the little city of Fredericksburg, Va. we have youth groups and a gay group!

I know at your age you probably feel that you have nothing in common with older folks, but guess what? If you are an alcoholic you do, the only difference is that you will find people that at one point in thier lifes were just like you.

I am 53 and we have things in common that allow me to relate to you if you are an alcoholic. I know the loneliness, the self hate, the confusion, the shame, the inability to stop drinking after drinking one drink. I have drank so much a lot of times that I had black outs on a regular basis, I have passed out plenty of times, I could drink any one else under the table and not even get a buzz, a 6 pack was just a warmup for the real drinking to begin. Waking up in the morning and having no idea where in the hell I was or how I got there.

There is absolutely nothing that you have done or experienced due to drinking that I either have not done or would fully understand why you did it.

Hon if you really want the madness to stop then you need to get help. There is not a darn thing unique about an alcoholic, I know that for a fact there are guys right in my small area who's drinking career is a mirror of mine and mine was 40 years long.

Forget the age difference, alcoholism knows no age boundaries and a sober recovering alcoholic in AA no matter their age can help another alcoholic who wants to stop drinking to be able to regain their sanity.

You have to want to be sober though, it takes work to get sober and work to stay sober, but with AA not only can you stay sober you can become happier then you have ever been in your life, you will with time learn to like that person you see in the mirror every morning.

Hon the worst thing you can do is give up.

Hon if you want what I have then the only thing I can tell you to do is go into AA and take it!!!!! All you have to do is ask someone in AA and they will give it to you for free as long as you are willing to do the work to get it they will help you.

ay100

You're so young. Don't throw your life away. Tazman said it all for us. You will regret it a lot later in life should you keep on drinking.

I wish I could turn back to clock to 70's and never pick up that first beer that was given to me at a birthday party. I felt I was such a hotshot those days. But today at the ripe age of 41 I feel like what a ******** I had been.

Go to detox, AA , whatever will help you and stop posioning yourself.

Good Luck.

leviathon

Hi PP, I wish I had seen and understood what you do at your age. I started drinking/smoking dope at age 13.

I was trying to get out / escape from the hardships of my childhood. It hurt and it was difficult. Alcohol/drugs were not a good decision, but I made that decision.

Eventually things spiralled out of control and I got into trouble when i was 23. I stopped for about 12 yrs after that. Then I got depressed, etc., and started again. In 3 yrs, I spun out of control yet again. Now I am sober and glad to be here.

The difference is that this time I actually aware I have a problem and that I must not drink again. I hope you get there.

Peace, Levi

CarolD

Check out...

http://www.icypaa.org/

It's a special group of young people in AA.
I don't know how to find their meetings in
your area...ask your counselor or call AA.

Good luck

came2believe

You are like us. That's why we're all here. You can do it. I am a bit envious of you, you have the chance to give up your drinking and lead a very long, happy, joyous and free life. Alcoholism never gets better, it only gets worse. However desperate and ill you are now, it will only be worse in ten years' time.

AA worked and works for me. There are other groups out there but AA is the only method that worked for me and I have no desire to try anything else, since why mess with something that is working?

Are there young people's AA groups around where you are?

For some reason I remember hearing there are a lot of AA groups in London with a lot of young people in them.

Then again, I am 34 and my closest friends in AA are women in their 50s. There's something to be said for an older, wiser, more experienced mentor in this sobriety journey.

XO ((HUGS)) Keep posting!

Tazman53

PP reading what Levi shared reminded me that I started drinking at about age 12 along with smoking dope, I got suspended for 5 days for drinking in the 7th or 8th grade and had more then a few occasions of black out drinking before I got out of HS. Keep in mind this is a progressive disease, the longer we drink, the worse it gets, there is no cure, the only way to stop it's progression is total abstinance, if we start drinking again no matter how long we have been sober within a week we will be right back to where we left off.

parentrecovers

welcome, pawprints - keep posting here!

my daughter is 22, and suffered with alcohol and drug addiction since about 17 years of age, before finding recovery about 100 plus days ago.

it affected her in school, relationships, finances, and she kept finding herself in and out of trouble with the law - poor decision making due to her disease. her health was also starting to be poor, and she was suffering from depression and guilt.

she went through rehab and now lives in a sober living halfway house. she has a part-time job and some money in the bank. she has new friends and a great support group through daily aa meetings, some meeting just for younger people . she wakes up everyday and does her best to do the next right thing. and now she feels she actually has her YOUTH BACK, if that makes sense? she laughs and plays and goes out and socializes. she has choices again. we (her family) are very proud of her.

addiction does not discriminate against age. you're smart to be recognizing your challenges at 19. recovery is possible. please don't be afraid to ask for the help you need, from family and professionals. i wish you peace and happiness in your recovery. blessings, k

Pawprints

Thanks everyone, it's great to hear adivce from people who have been there and are recovering.

I wish I knew what the help IS that I need. I don't understand what can make me better.... I dont think it is just drink. I need to do a whole lifestyle change before I can give up the booze. I have no friends, no 'life', I am depressed, lazy, messy, etc etc. And I suppose drinking is the choice I made to 'cope' with being who I am. Hmmmm. Not sensible!

I just cannot imagine a 100% sober life. I do not understand how that would work. And For a long time again I didn't see drink as a problem. But opening the vodka at 2pm and drinking all day... that isn't really good. And it's not social drinking since I have no friends.

I am far too afraid to go to AA right now I'm sorry... I can see it has helped many of you. So hopefully I will build up the courage over the next couple of weeks.

kpnewlife

hey pp, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I'm pretty young too (25) and I can understand some of the confusion you're going through. I'm in the same boat. Where is my life going from here? I do realize now that for me to figure this out, I need to live "a 100% sober life". We grow so much in our twenties and I've already missed out on a good portion of it. AA is not for everyone, only those who have a desire to stop drinking and who have the capacity to be honest. I really hope that I fit into that category. I'm beginning to feel more comfortable in meetings as a young person. Believe me, the "experienced" ones want us there. Helping us newbies get sober also helps them to stay sober. It's a win-win. I am starting that lifestyle change you are talking about, and for me I had to stop the drinking first. As of today I have 45 sober 24 hours in a row. It's hard but it can be done.

"Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right."
Henry Ford

You can,
kp

Nuudawn

This is not who you are...sounds more like this is what booze has made of you are your life. I would bet you don't even know who you are. I know I didn't when I threw down the bottle. At only 40 days sober...I am just finding out who I am...and it's a wild and exhilerating ride so far...there is joy and peace, darkness and light, pain and process...and I'm already seeing little miracles. I will be 40 at the end of this month.....and nothing in my life has compared to this process which I am humbly able to undertake with faith in a force outside of myself and the fellowship of those who have been there...who just happen to be found at a place called an AA meeting. I know there aren't as many young people there as there should be (which saddens me) ...but they are there....you can't just go to one meeting...got to a few...you will find folks to relate with.

Pawprints

You raise a very good point, thank you for that. I have felt that way recently - wondering who I REALLY am. Alcohol has kind of become my identity, and it is what I am mainly 'known' for.

I want to want to stop, if that makes sense? I want to have the motivation and strong desire to give up the drink, but I just don't. I don't feel ready. And if I do not have full commitment to quitting then I don't think it can work.

I guess I have stopped caring about myself (did I ever care in the first place though?). I feel very very depressed again. I had a couple of OK-ish months but in general, I have been depressed and usually verging on suicidal for as long as I can remember. I suppose I picked drink as a coping method. Bad idea huh?

I'm in therapy but we don't seem to DO anything, we just talk. And so it isn't really doing much good in terms of making positive change.

Am I just not ready to change? I've heard how people need to hit rock bottom before they can climb back up. Is that true? I don't want to feel worse than I already do... again... I'm scared

Sorry for complaining so much. Ugh.

earlybird

There are "Young People" AA Meetings. Look into that. One more thing,...if alcoholics waited until they COULD invision a life without drinking before they tried to quit,....AA wouldnt exist, because NOBODY would be sober. NONE OF US COULD SEE OURSELVES QUITTING. Thats the most vivid memory I have about myself right before I went into a treatment center. I was convulsing violently and shaking on my couch all alone in my apartment. Hugging my body with my arms and rocking back and forth, staring at my ceiling and saying over and over,....I cant picture a life without drinking. And I realized that I never would,...........until I tried. FAITH. You MUST quit on FAITH. The faith that, once you do,...you WILL BEGIN to see a life without drinking. You will be PROUD. Not the way I know you must feel about yourself now.

Nuudawn

Wow Pawprints you have no idea how much you sound like every other alcoholic. I was depressed and suicidal...but I realy didn't have the cajones or energy to do anything about my meaningless life. Couldn't end it...and I didn't think I could fix it...I didn't much care to. Although I didn't go to counselling...I got somewhat addicted to self help books. It is only now that I realize I couldn't get anything out of any of those books until I removed alcohol from the equation. I couldn't think clearly, or face my issues and fears and put any good thing into action while drinking...it just wasn't possible. Until you drop the bottle, I doubt counselling will result in any progress.
At the core of every alcoholic is fear and self loathing. You don't know who you are cuz you haven't given yourself the chance to find out. It ain't easy..but there is simply nothing like it. It is magical if you allow yourself to face the dark and endure the process. Facing the hard part is truly where the magic happens.

Sugah

I could have written your original post -- and many of the ones that followed. I was in treatment the first time at nineteen after a three-month binge where I didn't draw a sober breath. I was suicidal, and I thought, "Drink myself to death!" Well....in the end, I added in a bunch of pills to make the job go quicker.

I didn't stay sober then. Wish I did...that was 1987. Even when I did finally get sober in 2002, my biggest fear was not knowing what was on the other side of it. The longer I went on, the less I could imagine any kind of life lived sober -- just like you've expressed. Trust me...there is life on the other side. I had to trust others who told me the same, and a day at a time, I've managed to rack up 1545 days of proof. Sooo many of the things I do today (and so many of the people in my life, including my children) would not be possible if I were still drinking.

It took faith. It took faith that the only world that would end if I quit drinking was the one in which I was an active drunk. A whole new world opened up. And some days, it's slow going. I'm impatient, and when I want things, I want them now!

You said something that struck me: "I want to want to quit." Reminds me of something a friend of mine says. "Sometimes, I have to pray for the willingness to be willing."

It's okay to be afraid of what you don't know. That feeling will lessen in time, if you choose to walk the path of sobriety. We walk through a lot of fear and usually find on the other side that it wasn't as bad as we made it out to be.

Oh, and yes, I use AA for my recovery. When I ran out of other options, AA was there for me. When you're ready -- and I pray for your sake that it's soon -- it'll be there for you, too.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

came2believe

Interesting, Pawprints, that same phrase "Wants to want to stop" is used in the Big Book of AA. It is in the section labeled "To Wives" (which also applies to husbands of alcoholics I might add, but the book was written so long ago) describing various types of drinkers. That's the description of "husband #2," beyond "heavy drinker" but not quite at his "bottom."

"#2 Your husband is showing lack of control, for he is unable to stay on the water wagon even when he wants to. He often gets entirely out of hand when drinking. He admits this is true, but is positive that he will do better. He has begun to try, with or without your cooperation, various means of moderating or staying dry. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends. His business may suffer somewhat. He is worried at times, and is becoming aware that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning and through the day also, to hold his nervousness in check. He is remorseful after serious drinking bouts and tells you he wants to stop. But when he gets over the spree, he begins to think once more how he can drink moderately next time. We think this person is in danger. These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still tend to business fairly well. He has by no means ruined everything. As we say among ourselves, "He wants to want to stop."

....

"Suppose, however, that your husband fits the description of number two. The same principles which apply to husband number one should be practice. But after his next binge, ask him if he would really like to get over drinking for good. Do not ask that he do it for you or anyone else. Just would he like to?"

"The chances are he would. Show him your copy of this book and tell him what you have found out about alcoholism. Show him that as alcoholics, the writers of the book understand. Tell him some of the interesting stories you have read. If you think he will be shy of a spiritual remedy, ask him to look at the chapter on alcoholism. Then perhaps he will be interested enough to continue."

"If he is enthusiastic your cooperation will mean a great deal. If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone. Avoid urging him to follow our program. The seed has been planted in his mind. He knows that thousands of men, much like himself, have recovered. But don't remind him of this after he has been drinking, for he may be angry. Sooner or later, you are likely to find him reading the book once more. Wait until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act, for the more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed. "

However this book was written early in the days of AA--when those who found AA had struck quite a low bottom indeed.

Later, alcoholics who had not yet hit disasterous bottoms found AA. Some of us have "high" bottoms. Mine was pretty high, I hadn't lost a family or a job. I still had my reputation within my community. I hadn't had a DUI. But the thing was, I KNEW where I was headed. Down, down, down.

Where is the bottom you may ask?

The bottom is when you decide to put down the shovel and stop digging, and try to find a way out.

The Big Book is available online so you might want to read the chapter On Alcholism (ch 3) and see if it makes sense to you. Then you might consider a meeting.

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html

Best wishes!!!!!!!! I hope you can get off this one-way elevator on a floor above mine! It only goes down, down, down!