kristin

Last night when I wanted to drink I decided to come in here and write, which really saved me. I eventually went outside and hung out with the neighbors with a glass of pop and ice. "The comments I got from everyone was there better be a shot in that." "What are you dry now." I just say I'm taking a break, because I am to scared if I say I have stopped for good I might sabotage myself or set myself up for failure, so I am just taking it one day at a time. I feel so much better about myself when I am in control of my life and I can remember everything I do.

I think people miss me being the drunk and keeping them entertained. I seem to let lose a bit much when I have alcohol even though it may be entertaining to everyone else it is hurting me.

In the past year I have gotten so wasted that I would walked home from the bar doing barrel dives in all the neighbors yard on the way home waking up with bruises all over and I would mess with them when they were past out, like body slamming them or pretending they were in an accident and they were in the hospital. It got to be a pay back thing where we would all one up eachother and we would worn eachother, "don't drink to much tonight or else". Until, a couple of weeks ago I decided to give my neighbor a wedgie at the bar and we were laughing so hard that I did it to someone else that I didn't know to well and she got pretty pissed. How stupid do I feel???.... I am a 31 year lady. Now everyone teases me saying, "jeez, can't even go and have a beer with out getting our pants yanked up our *ss!!! I was so embarrassed when this lady would drive by my house and I was out in the yard. Then it got to the point where they would mess with me and tell me I did things that never happened and that freaked me out, because I didn't really know.

I stayed at my neighbors last night and watched a tv show and I realized how drunk they get too. I had fun laughing with them even though I wasn't drinking and I felt good waking up. I guess I just feel like they won't want to hang out with me if I'm not drinking since that is what we have in common, but I really do enjoy their company drinking or not...

My husband thinks I am too hard on myself and he doesn't think I have a problem. He drinks too, but never seem to get drunk. He know how to pace himself.

Blah...Blah...Blah....Bottom line... I am ready to get healthy and start taking control of my life and be a better person.

Thanks for listening,
Kristin

Teamfour

Thanks for being an inspiration.

justaround

Be careful Kristen, if you are truley an alcoholic, you might not be in the best of all situations. When recovering from alcohol you will go through rapid mood swings that can last anywhere from 6 months to 18 months. The hardcore mental cravings started hitting me a week or two after I quit. I am told that is the average at my former rehabillitation. So what I am saying is that, mentally, if you are a true alcoholic, the worst is still to come and hanging around old drinking buddies will rip you right back down. Especially if there are so many around you. Also, your friends as alcoholics, will start to distant themselves the longer and longer you say that "I'm just taking a break" until you start becoming the "entertainment" again. I know this all too well. People I thought were my friends, haven't even called since I said I was done for good. When I told them that I was just holding off a bit they stuck around. Once you start to feel isolated and alienated there is a high risk that you might start drinking again to be part of "your friends" again.

The first week of recovery is the easiest by far, unless you are having DTs or other painful physical withdrawls that requires Valium. This is because you feel much better about yourself, a feeling of pride, and you aren't sick anymore when you wake up. But once you have to leave your whole old life behind, and you will, no matter what you think (I'll go to the crackhouse just to read my newspaper, I go to the bar just to dance, eg.) you start to feel left out which is when all the hard stuff hits. All your old issues that you used to numb with alcohol crawl back up and believe it or not make your life harder than when you first pick up. You now see the true form of your disease.

I'm not at all telling you that life sucks without alcohol and it only gets worse. What I'm getting at is that the percentage rate of alcoholics that stay sober trying to do it on their own is 0. We get that sense of, "well, I've gone two weeks and feel great, I'm cured!" or lie to ourself by saying that we can have one drink again. LIFE DOES GET BETTER (I'm told) with treatment, meetings, working the steps, getting a sponsor, changing your lifestyle, friends, activities you did before. I'm stuck at 49 days sober after inpatient rehab, now outpatient and don't feel so hot. That's because I need to change my lifestyle around. I can do rehab and all that but that's the easy part. Don't be the dry drunk who has 2 years sobriety before they shoot themselves because they are absolutly miserable. They don't learn the coping skills.

You are in the right direction. You have 4 days sobriety (good job). Now just check into some form of rehab whether it be out or inpatient, go to meetings, and change your life around. Don't hang around drunks. We have a disease. I only wrote this as suggestion and I'm not judging. If you don't want to accept what I wrote, totally cool, just don't get pissed off because you will hold a resentment and that spells relapse. I wish you luck

PhilN

Kristin - great to hear you're ready to make changes in your life! Your attitude is truly inspiring. I have to agree with Justaround about your environment though. Anyone in recovery is familiar with the need to change people, places and things.

Your neighbors sound like nice, fun people, but they could potentially cause problems with sobriety and possibly a relapse. You need to be around people who are accepting of your disease (if you've decided you're an alcoholic). We won't judge you or try to steer you wrong. The people you party with, well meaning as they might be, if they're not alcoholics, can't understand what we go through. So don't judge them too harshly.

But by the same token, if you're serious about quitting drinking, don't be the victim of peer pressure to drink. They need to accept you for who you are.

As far as your husband is concerned, again if you seriously think you have a problem, he also needs to accept you as you are and respect your decision to "hang it up."

You have a great attitude about it and taking it one day at a time is the way to go.

Welcome to the community and God Bless!