Parenting and alcoholism
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 8
Parenting and alcoholism
I have been separated from my wife of 11 years since June '06. After going on a 2 week bender in July, I cleaned myself up as my 10 year old son decided he wanted to live with me and go to school here (my beautiful 5 yr old girl stays with her Mom in Arizona.) Even with him here, I still struggled with my sobriety, but managed to avoid an all-out meltdown....until this past week.
We drove to AZ to have contact with them last week, arriving Monday and leaving on Friday. During that time, it was revealed that my wife has been involved with another man since September. I was holding out hope for our family, but those hopes were shattered soon after our arrival. One night that week I caved in under the pressure and went drinking to drown my sorrow, which served as nothing but an affirmation to my wife that she had made the right decision to leave me. The rest of the week was very awkward, but it was good to see the kids together.
When we got back to Dallas on Saturday, I went to the liquor store and loaded up for a big night. Careful not to drink in front of my son, I started downing shots and wine after he fell asleep. This continued well into the night, and I awoke feeling awful the next morning full of remorse and shame. I made the decision then that I was going to get professional help to detox and get treatment. My Mom drove into town today to watch my son while I seek care, and I am admitting myself in the AM.
However, my wife called the house this AM, and I answered the phone. When she inquired why I wasn't at work, I revealed to her my intention to go to rehab. Instead of relief that I had FINALLY made the decision to clean up, she became concerned about my son's welfare, saying that she wanted him to come back to AZ. My son doesn't want to go, as he knows that this action I am taking will make me a better, healthier man/father. She is not of that opinion however, and I fear that she might take action to gain custody of him.
I am enduring severe emotional stress, and can barely get any sleep at night...I still love my wife (or the idea of her as my wife.) Sure, time will heal this wound, but what do I do in the meantime? I know what I am doing is the right thing to do for me, but I don't want to lose my son, as he is all I have left. Is it wrong for me to insist that he stay? Am I a capable parent? Should he be with his mother, even if he doesn't want to be there?
Any input would be appreciated.
We drove to AZ to have contact with them last week, arriving Monday and leaving on Friday. During that time, it was revealed that my wife has been involved with another man since September. I was holding out hope for our family, but those hopes were shattered soon after our arrival. One night that week I caved in under the pressure and went drinking to drown my sorrow, which served as nothing but an affirmation to my wife that she had made the right decision to leave me. The rest of the week was very awkward, but it was good to see the kids together.
When we got back to Dallas on Saturday, I went to the liquor store and loaded up for a big night. Careful not to drink in front of my son, I started downing shots and wine after he fell asleep. This continued well into the night, and I awoke feeling awful the next morning full of remorse and shame. I made the decision then that I was going to get professional help to detox and get treatment. My Mom drove into town today to watch my son while I seek care, and I am admitting myself in the AM.
However, my wife called the house this AM, and I answered the phone. When she inquired why I wasn't at work, I revealed to her my intention to go to rehab. Instead of relief that I had FINALLY made the decision to clean up, she became concerned about my son's welfare, saying that she wanted him to come back to AZ. My son doesn't want to go, as he knows that this action I am taking will make me a better, healthier man/father. She is not of that opinion however, and I fear that she might take action to gain custody of him.
I am enduring severe emotional stress, and can barely get any sleep at night...I still love my wife (or the idea of her as my wife.) Sure, time will heal this wound, but what do I do in the meantime? I know what I am doing is the right thing to do for me, but I don't want to lose my son, as he is all I have left. Is it wrong for me to insist that he stay? Am I a capable parent? Should he be with his mother, even if he doesn't want to be there?
Any input would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 146
It sounds like you love your son very much and that you honestly have the intention of sorting out your problems with alcohol. If that is the honest truth then I think you will make an outstanding father. Put it this way - I know lots of ****** fathers that are sober but never show any love, concern or thought for their kids.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I feel for you. The pain and stress of all this must be completely overwhelming. Is it outpatient or inpatient rehab? I guess what I'm asking is where will your son be while you are in treatment?
But I agree with GettinSober as well. What is normalacy anyway? Your ex being in a brand new relationship might be a little to distracted to tend your son's needs. Unfortunately, I do not feel qualified in any way to provide much here other than...bravo to you...for being brave.. for loving your son...for admitting defeat to the old way and beginning a brand new journey.
May you find peace within.
But I agree with GettinSober as well. What is normalacy anyway? Your ex being in a brand new relationship might be a little to distracted to tend your son's needs. Unfortunately, I do not feel qualified in any way to provide much here other than...bravo to you...for being brave.. for loving your son...for admitting defeat to the old way and beginning a brand new journey.
May you find peace within.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Welcome BDDIII,
This must be very hard to cope with. You are making a vey positive change in your life, and your love for your children shows. As an alcoholic father myself, I am moved by your struggle.
I want to add to what Getinsober said. Just because I have the disease of alcoholism, it doesn't mean that I don't love my kids or try to do the right things for them. There are plenty of bad parents who don't drink at all.
As an alcoholic, I have to deal with my disease and stay sober so I can be a better parent. One of my buddies in AA said to me "Chip, you are a good, loving father. By staying sober, you can be a better father" Something about that really hit home for me.
I hope you can find some answers and find some peace. You can know that you arn't alone. I hope you'll keep posting, and I hope you get some rest tonight.
chip
This must be very hard to cope with. You are making a vey positive change in your life, and your love for your children shows. As an alcoholic father myself, I am moved by your struggle.
I want to add to what Getinsober said. Just because I have the disease of alcoholism, it doesn't mean that I don't love my kids or try to do the right things for them. There are plenty of bad parents who don't drink at all.
As an alcoholic, I have to deal with my disease and stay sober so I can be a better parent. One of my buddies in AA said to me "Chip, you are a good, loving father. By staying sober, you can be a better father" Something about that really hit home for me.
I hope you can find some answers and find some peace. You can know that you arn't alone. I hope you'll keep posting, and I hope you get some rest tonight.
chip
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 264
Hi there,
I feel for you too-I'm a parent too. My kids are 9. Major kudos to you for taking the right step.
Since you are doing the right thing, you've no choice but to let the future unfold as it will. You do not have control over what your wife does, therefore simply put one foot in front of the other in what you know is best long term. Sounds like you have learned the hard way (as most of us did) that alcohol does not ever improve your problems (wife with other man, etc) and most often makes them worse.
As far your wife is concerned, it may be hard to put your self in her shoes. But I imagine she is rather worried about your son and the environment he is now in. She thought she was sending him to an environment where you were not drinking, now she learns the situation is (in her perception) even worse than she had thought. Although WE know its great progress that you're going to rehab, she may be thinking "oh god, Joe (or whatever your name is) is drinking again and now Harry (or whatever your son's name is) is in the midst of the nightmare" and that could be extremely upsetting. People get emotional about this sort of thing.
I encourage you to get help after detox through a recovery group. There is lots of support out there. I was personally helped through AA, which has kept me sober for almost 13 months now. I take my kids to AA meetings. They are welcome at every meeting I have ever been to and helped them to understand alcholism. To me, it's great they know AA is a "good" "safe" place if they or someone they know ever needs it. I grew up in an alcholic home and I never, ever had that because my parents never made it into recovery. So to me stepping into the rooms of AA was needlessly scary.
I wish you the very best, because it sounds as if you have the desire to recover. That is huge. So kudoz, try not to worry about the future, and all the best. I'll say a prayer for you and your family. Keep reading & posting, we're here for you!
I feel for you too-I'm a parent too. My kids are 9. Major kudos to you for taking the right step.
Since you are doing the right thing, you've no choice but to let the future unfold as it will. You do not have control over what your wife does, therefore simply put one foot in front of the other in what you know is best long term. Sounds like you have learned the hard way (as most of us did) that alcohol does not ever improve your problems (wife with other man, etc) and most often makes them worse.
As far your wife is concerned, it may be hard to put your self in her shoes. But I imagine she is rather worried about your son and the environment he is now in. She thought she was sending him to an environment where you were not drinking, now she learns the situation is (in her perception) even worse than she had thought. Although WE know its great progress that you're going to rehab, she may be thinking "oh god, Joe (or whatever your name is) is drinking again and now Harry (or whatever your son's name is) is in the midst of the nightmare" and that could be extremely upsetting. People get emotional about this sort of thing.
I encourage you to get help after detox through a recovery group. There is lots of support out there. I was personally helped through AA, which has kept me sober for almost 13 months now. I take my kids to AA meetings. They are welcome at every meeting I have ever been to and helped them to understand alcholism. To me, it's great they know AA is a "good" "safe" place if they or someone they know ever needs it. I grew up in an alcholic home and I never, ever had that because my parents never made it into recovery. So to me stepping into the rooms of AA was needlessly scary.
I wish you the very best, because it sounds as if you have the desire to recover. That is huge. So kudoz, try not to worry about the future, and all the best. I'll say a prayer for you and your family. Keep reading & posting, we're here for you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Hi BIDDIE.
I too, consider myself a capable father. However, this last go-round, I allowed my best friend to take care of my two daughters (14 and 19) while I "Got my house in order".
This allowed me to focus on my sobriety, and relieved the associated stress which you really don't want in early recovery.
Today I'm pushing 90 days, and both daughters are back.
It is commendable that you are seeking help. Realize though, that there may be re-percussions. If your relationship with the ex is touchy, she may use this to mount an attack. Even if she doesn't she still has a valid concern. Her thoughts are not ill founded.
Good Luck in your recovery.
I too, consider myself a capable father. However, this last go-round, I allowed my best friend to take care of my two daughters (14 and 19) while I "Got my house in order".
This allowed me to focus on my sobriety, and relieved the associated stress which you really don't want in early recovery.
Today I'm pushing 90 days, and both daughters are back.
It is commendable that you are seeking help. Realize though, that there may be re-percussions. If your relationship with the ex is touchy, she may use this to mount an attack. Even if she doesn't she still has a valid concern. Her thoughts are not ill founded.
Good Luck in your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 8
Thanks for all the input people.
The reason I chose to go to detox/treatment this week is because I realized I couldn't go this alone, and since my marriage is definitely over I would not be able to rely on that as a means of support (my wife, God bless her, heard me cry wolf 100s of times and couldn't take it any more.) Anyway, I need some outside input and support to make it through this, and it seemed like a good idea to detox and get my health checked out to see what I am up against.
I tried to explain this to my wife today, but I think all she got out of it was "he's drinking again." My heart really is in the right place this time, and I want to be an example of what a good man should be to my son, regaining the integrity and pride I once had when I was younger. I haven't heard from her this evening, so hopefully she is a little more at peace with the situation after thinking it through some more.
I love my son so much, and I can't imagine a life without him in it. I realize that this could very well be my last chance with him, and it's a chance I can't take.
Thanks again people. I like this forum and plan to hang around. My son and I are currently without a car (another story for another time), which makes it difficult to catch meetings regularly, so I'm glad I have this to fall back on.
The reason I chose to go to detox/treatment this week is because I realized I couldn't go this alone, and since my marriage is definitely over I would not be able to rely on that as a means of support (my wife, God bless her, heard me cry wolf 100s of times and couldn't take it any more.) Anyway, I need some outside input and support to make it through this, and it seemed like a good idea to detox and get my health checked out to see what I am up against.
I tried to explain this to my wife today, but I think all she got out of it was "he's drinking again." My heart really is in the right place this time, and I want to be an example of what a good man should be to my son, regaining the integrity and pride I once had when I was younger. I haven't heard from her this evening, so hopefully she is a little more at peace with the situation after thinking it through some more.
I love my son so much, and I can't imagine a life without him in it. I realize that this could very well be my last chance with him, and it's a chance I can't take.
Thanks again people. I like this forum and plan to hang around. My son and I are currently without a car (another story for another time), which makes it difficult to catch meetings regularly, so I'm glad I have this to fall back on.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
BDDIII I pray you get to read this before you leave. If your mom is coming to take care of your son while you are in de-tox have her take him to her house if possible. This will hopefully stop your wife from taking him while you are in de-tox. I will post more right after I post this.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
BDDIII I am the father of 6, I will not get into details right now on all of them, I will just let you know that I came as close as was possible to losing my wife and the three kids I have still living at home before doing what you are doing now.
I can tell you that for me once I got out of de-tox and was doing my 90+ AA meetings in 90 days that my wife and kids knew that I was not only sober, but serious about staying sober. It took very little time for them to start regaining the respect they really never had for me.
In regards to your situation make sure you document everything you do in regards to getting and staying sober. I would also reccommend you get into AA and get a sponsor, work the program, you will become a happier person, maintain your sobriety and best of all become a better father.
A day may come when you will wind up in court in a custody battle for your son, the fact that you will be able to prove not only that you went through re-hab and are active in AA will be crucial in keeping custody of your son, your AA sponsor I am sure will be more then willing to testify to your sobriety and your progress.
The courts recognize AA as the key to sobriety for most alcoholics which is one reason why they court order folks to go there.
I will be praying for you and your son. Please keep in touch with all of us after you get out of re-hab.
Remember you are not alone, there are thousands of recovered and recovering alcoholics out here that can help you in your walk into sobriety.
I can tell you that for me once I got out of de-tox and was doing my 90+ AA meetings in 90 days that my wife and kids knew that I was not only sober, but serious about staying sober. It took very little time for them to start regaining the respect they really never had for me.
In regards to your situation make sure you document everything you do in regards to getting and staying sober. I would also reccommend you get into AA and get a sponsor, work the program, you will become a happier person, maintain your sobriety and best of all become a better father.
A day may come when you will wind up in court in a custody battle for your son, the fact that you will be able to prove not only that you went through re-hab and are active in AA will be crucial in keeping custody of your son, your AA sponsor I am sure will be more then willing to testify to your sobriety and your progress.
The courts recognize AA as the key to sobriety for most alcoholics which is one reason why they court order folks to go there.
I will be praying for you and your son. Please keep in touch with all of us after you get out of re-hab.
Remember you are not alone, there are thousands of recovered and recovering alcoholics out here that can help you in your walk into sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Somwhere over the rainbow
Posts: 1,175
IMO only you can decide if you are a good father and if your intentions are honest. If they are I think you should continue to work on your sobriety and continue to care for your son.
Remember, I am assuming the law in the states is the same as in Canada, though I am not certain so you have to check with a lawyer there, if the child is 12 or older, the courts will consider what your son wants, as well as what you are doing to get a grip on your issues. Again, pls consult counsel in your area for actual legal advice.
Remember, I am assuming the law in the states is the same as in Canada, though I am not certain so you have to check with a lawyer there, if the child is 12 or older, the courts will consider what your son wants, as well as what you are doing to get a grip on your issues. Again, pls consult counsel in your area for actual legal advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 8
Just checking in. I got out of detox on Sunday, and all-in-all it was a good experience. I've been sober for 9 nine days (which is a milestone of sorts for me) and I'm feeling good about things. My mom has been in town to watch my son, so he is in good hands.
I've been to 3 AA meetings (1 Mon, 2 yesterday) and they have served me well. I took a desire chip on Monday, and have had to clutch it tightly a few times but I'm still on the wagon.
Then last night I attended a "men's only" meeting (about 12 or in attendance) that was very beneficial. I identified myself as a newcomer early on, and they were very gracious with their insight and experiences throughout the meeting. Towards the end, they called on me to say something and I was uneasy, but shared that I was grateful for to be there, and that although I didn't understand it (especially the "God" part) but that I would keep coming back in hopes that I would "get" it someday.
Then as it was time to leave, a tough talkin' older gentlemen that had shared earlier approached me, and offered me his 22 year sobriety chip, on the condition that I would give it back to him when I got my 30 day chip. I said "no way," and tried to deny him twice, but he was insistent that I take it.
I'm a 6'5"/270 lb 39 years old, a big strong man...but when I reluctantly took his chip I broke down and wept. I uttered a quick thanks and tried to make a quick exit as to not look like a blubbering fool. I was so moved by the selfless act that this man who barely knew me, would take me at my word and offer something that meant so much to him, I sat in the parking lot and cried my eyes out, both at the faith at this man had shown in me...faith that I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE IN MYSELF, but also tears of joy that I knew that I wouldn't have to go this alone.
I'm going to a newcomer's meeting tonight, so I hope to make some progress there as well.
I thank all of you for your prayers and well-wishes over the past week. The last time I posted here I was optimistic and afraid of what the week would hold. But now, I can say that I have confidence that I will be a better man, a better example to my son, and a better father to my son who is so dear to me. And the best part is, I realize that I don't have to do it alone...that there are people here and out in the world that will support me through all times good and bad.
Best,
BDDIII
I've been to 3 AA meetings (1 Mon, 2 yesterday) and they have served me well. I took a desire chip on Monday, and have had to clutch it tightly a few times but I'm still on the wagon.
Then last night I attended a "men's only" meeting (about 12 or in attendance) that was very beneficial. I identified myself as a newcomer early on, and they were very gracious with their insight and experiences throughout the meeting. Towards the end, they called on me to say something and I was uneasy, but shared that I was grateful for to be there, and that although I didn't understand it (especially the "God" part) but that I would keep coming back in hopes that I would "get" it someday.
Then as it was time to leave, a tough talkin' older gentlemen that had shared earlier approached me, and offered me his 22 year sobriety chip, on the condition that I would give it back to him when I got my 30 day chip. I said "no way," and tried to deny him twice, but he was insistent that I take it.
I'm a 6'5"/270 lb 39 years old, a big strong man...but when I reluctantly took his chip I broke down and wept. I uttered a quick thanks and tried to make a quick exit as to not look like a blubbering fool. I was so moved by the selfless act that this man who barely knew me, would take me at my word and offer something that meant so much to him, I sat in the parking lot and cried my eyes out, both at the faith at this man had shown in me...faith that I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE IN MYSELF, but also tears of joy that I knew that I wouldn't have to go this alone.
I'm going to a newcomer's meeting tonight, so I hope to make some progress there as well.
I thank all of you for your prayers and well-wishes over the past week. The last time I posted here I was optimistic and afraid of what the week would hold. But now, I can say that I have confidence that I will be a better man, a better example to my son, and a better father to my son who is so dear to me. And the best part is, I realize that I don't have to do it alone...that there are people here and out in the world that will support me through all times good and bad.
Best,
BDDIII
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Highlands, TX
Posts: 1,192
Wow, I am sitting here with tears at what you have written. It is classic AA I have to say. If you stay the course one day you can be the one to offer hope to a newcomer.
I am a single parent and my daughter now lives with her dad as a direct result of my drinking. It was very hard to let her go but it was best for her. We have a very close relationship, I am on good terms with my ex and my daughter attends meetings and outings with me regularly. Is it how I envisioned it? No. Most mothers expect that their children will stay with them. Is it for the best? Yes, I believe so.
Your son knows you love him. You can show him by your actions that you are serious about this and he will come to view you in a whole new light. In the meantime, whatever is meant to happen with regards to his welfare will happen. You got dead-on advice though about documenting everything you are doing. Even if you are not on papers, write up your own paper, with the name of the group, date and time of meeting, type of meeting, chairperson and phone number. Do a paper each month. Hold on to them in case you need them in later legal proceedings. Hopefully you won't.
Hang in there, great job on the 9 days sober and completing detox. You are doing something so great for yourself and that will bring you so many rewards. Just hang in there and stay the course.
Big hugs,
Kellye
I am a single parent and my daughter now lives with her dad as a direct result of my drinking. It was very hard to let her go but it was best for her. We have a very close relationship, I am on good terms with my ex and my daughter attends meetings and outings with me regularly. Is it how I envisioned it? No. Most mothers expect that their children will stay with them. Is it for the best? Yes, I believe so.
Your son knows you love him. You can show him by your actions that you are serious about this and he will come to view you in a whole new light. In the meantime, whatever is meant to happen with regards to his welfare will happen. You got dead-on advice though about documenting everything you are doing. Even if you are not on papers, write up your own paper, with the name of the group, date and time of meeting, type of meeting, chairperson and phone number. Do a paper each month. Hold on to them in case you need them in later legal proceedings. Hopefully you won't.
Hang in there, great job on the 9 days sober and completing detox. You are doing something so great for yourself and that will bring you so many rewards. Just hang in there and stay the course.
Big hugs,
Kellye
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,061
BDDIII, I really hope you do "get it".
I'm 42 years old, and next month turn 43 and pick up a two year chip, God willing. I'm also a single father to a 9yo daughter and 11yo son. When I was married my ex had an affair with a co-worker, motivating me to finally seek sobriety, and a divorce shortly afterwards.
AA, the 12 Steps, and sobriety have given me the chance to be a father my kids can be proud of, and I intend for it to stay that way. We have a life that's filled with love and support for each other, and we're surrounded by friends in AA who care about us. I hope you keep attending meetings and come to know how good life can be without drinking. Trust me, it may not seem easy, but sobriety is worth every bit of effort you put into it.
Scott
I'm 42 years old, and next month turn 43 and pick up a two year chip, God willing. I'm also a single father to a 9yo daughter and 11yo son. When I was married my ex had an affair with a co-worker, motivating me to finally seek sobriety, and a divorce shortly afterwards.
AA, the 12 Steps, and sobriety have given me the chance to be a father my kids can be proud of, and I intend for it to stay that way. We have a life that's filled with love and support for each other, and we're surrounded by friends in AA who care about us. I hope you keep attending meetings and come to know how good life can be without drinking. Trust me, it may not seem easy, but sobriety is worth every bit of effort you put into it.
Scott
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,061
Originally Posted by Kellye D 
I am on good terms with my ex and my daughter attends meetings and outings with me regularly. Is it how I envisioned it? No. Most mothers expect that their children will stay with them. Is it for the best? Yes, I believe so.
I'd wanted a wife and kids since I was 17, but never thought in those daydreams that I'd be a single father in recovery from alcoholism.
My kids attend 2-5 meetings a week with me, and enjoy helping me set up the room for the meeting. They've made so many friends at my Fellowship Club, and many of our activities revolve around AA. My heart aches for them when it's not my custody time, but I do agree it's for the best. I guess it's a good reminder that life wouldn't be this way if I were normal, but I'll always be an alcoholic in need of my recovery.
Scott
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