Nuudawn

I'm only 23 days sober and 22 days with AA. (it's wonderful BTW). At any rate, the last couple of meetings, men have asked me out...like to the movie or one actually asked me over to HIS HOUSE...so he could answer my questions re AA. These are fellows with years of sobriety under their belt. Like I am SO BUGGERED up here. I am just scratching the surface of who I am, what I want, dealing with emotions etc, etc. The more clarity I have, the more I realize just how much work I have to do on my self. I don't have the time or energy for freakin' dating.

Like isn't it a strong suggestion that you have no intimate relationships for first year??? Like don't they know that??

I don't understand...do my fellow male alcoholics understand? Am I being paranoid? Even if they are being nice, hell I am just not interested in the whole male-female dynamic right now. No matter what, there is always something different about the male-female thing.

I mean I know people do eventually hook up thru AA...but I'm thinking that's at least when you've had enough time to take a look at yourself and fix your life a little.
I don't know why this makes me so ticked off.
T.

Tazman53

Nuudawn I am a male new to sobriety and I am also in AA. What is happening is what is called 13th stepping, it is usually done by men, but there are women who do it also!

Avoid it right now at all cost is my suggestion. The best suggestion I can give you is at your next meeting when they ask for a subject tell them you would like to hear a discussion on the pros and cons on 13th stepping!!!

It is looked down upon by every AA group I go to, and I personally would call aside any one I thought was pulling it and I do not care if they have 1 day sobriety or 30 years! It is wrong.

There is nothing wrong with dating in the fellowship, but there is a big difference between 13th stepping and dating. I know quit a few couples married and not that met in the rooms, but none of them were the result of 13th stepping.

mike_mass

From what I have expeienced in AA the last 16 years or so is that one's length of abstinance does not necessarily equate to sexual maturity.

You may want to mention while sharing at the meeting that you are there for sobriety and nothing else. Generally people with other interests will leave you alone after that. You may also want to avoid conversations with guys you don't know.

Emimily

Girl, I know JUST what you mean! It's crazy, right? I got to AA and I was such a mewling, puking wreck, and then all of the sudden there's this Ken doll-esque guy saying hey to me, trying to get me to go to coffee.

I'm not into Ken dolls, by the way.

You should talk to your sponsor about a good comeback line, my all time favorite was "what, can't get a date?" But, if you feel like being more respectful than that, go for it. I was a brat. You don't have to be. But, seriously, take care of YOU. No one else is gonna do it for ya!

<3

Sugah

Find the women and make a beeline. Though there's no "AA Police", in my area, we do have posses who keep an eye on the newcomer, male and female, and head off any "stepping" beyond the twelfth with a little AA group therapy outside the meeting. Some are sicker than others, and we don't close our doors to those ones, either. We just offer them a few more suggestions as necessary.

Peace & Love -- and keep coming back,
Sugah

Nuudawn

Thanks you guys...I thought I was being paranoid or something and I couldn't figure out why it made me so ANGRY. I guess I had expectations that these rooms were a "safe" place. I mean here ya are a total wreck...finally getting honest with yourself ...and eeeking out all your ugly parts in your shares sometimes...and some guy is trying to get laid!!!!

Um...I guess I should get a sponsor. I haven't yet.
P.S. Love your quote Emimily! Here's another..."Your mind is like a bad neighborhood, don't get in there alone".
T.

Tazman53

Love it!!! And it is true, some folks are spoken to outdside the rooms about things other then the steps!

Nuudawn the rooms are safe once you let others know there is a problem, the last thing the old timers want to see is a new comer leave because of some dirt bag trying to get another notch on his or her belt. Like I said, bring it up as a topic in a meeting. The dirt bags may learn something.

dontcareinmi

Tell em to stop and if they don't stop and keep bugging you, file a claim for sexual harrassment agains them.

I agree speak up about it and let people know what is going on - if it doesn't stop - file criminal charges against the people who do it

Astro

Nuudawn, I see this going on at my meetings all the time and it's pretty unacceptable behavior. Beware of the predators who go after the newcomers, and make it clear you're only there for recovery. The rooms of AA can be a very safe place, but you might need to set some boundaries.

You're right, some people do hook up in recovery, but my experience has shown that I needed to be well into recovery before I was healthy enough to focus any of my attention on someone else.

Emimily

Ohh, I love what Sugah said about the women in AA! It's so true, when I was first getting sober I had this network *wait, I'm still there* of women who would just protect me from all these creepy guys. It's weird, some of the men in AA (and women as well, to be fair) really view it as a dating service. Hello, anyone else wanna be sober? I do, I do!

PackerFan

I know a girl who is constantly getting hit on at meetings. Her and I are friends who have known eachother since high school. We're both happily married. She asks me to sit next to her so people will think we're a couple.

Nuudawn

Astro mentioned "boundaries"..that resonates with me. I've only had two really...booze (as in "protecting" the real me from outsiders - and I could be pretty biotchy with a couple in me) and "buh bye". You threaten me (or my heart) in anyway...then "buh bye" and get outta my face...watch me run like the wind.

I read yesterday that making the choice to not drink every day is a personal boundary...so heck, I have 3 now! All of you are right...I need to speak up rather than mumble some apologetic excuse as to why I"m not taking them up on their offers.
T

I just re-read that...NO..not drinking is the only boundary I have now...I've lost the booze...and now I gotta work on the "buh bye and running away" as an answer.

Mercedes1

Nuudawn. I am a femail and am so with you on this. I also am new and have had experienced this too. I would stay away. They say take what you want and leave the rest...leave the men. Not everyone at these meetings does/says/acts the appropriate way.

leeside

Some guys (gals too) think that friendliness is a come-on. That is probably why you are angry.

CarolD

The last time an AA guy hit on me
I Hollered...
"Quit grabbing my ass!"

The room roared!

Astro

I agree leeside, and I'm sure it gets misinterpreted pretty often. But I also think it's important to remember that newcomers especially have very fragile emotions. I'd rather keep my distance than risk sending a newcomer back out by being overly friendly.

Nuudawn

You're right Leeside...I think you've hit something there about my anger. I have been so darn happy since I quit drinking ...and I really enjoy these meetings and the people so much...so I'm smiley and just pleased to speak and relate with people again. I really started to isolate in the end. The guy who had asked me to come to his house...well, I had just lightheartedly asked him if there was cake at the anniversaries..as they had just announced some upcoming anniveraries. That was his little cue I guess...come over and I'll answer all your questions. Ya know, sorry...whether or not there is CAKE is not a burning question. So ya, I guess I felt guilty for being happy and friendly..and then I felt angry.

eire rose

Hi Nuudawn,

I had this problem too when I first started AA, I felt like "fresh meat".

Most of the guys who were hitting on me have now relapsed funny enough, none of them have made it back yet.

Stick with the women, the guys will get the message. I don't get involved with any of the bs around meetings, I only hang out with the girls at the break and after the meeting.

Keep focusing on your recovery, they will get over it.

Love, Rose

subliminalurge

Why does a man even feel the need to be friendly to a female newcomer? Leave that to the women in the group.

In my neck of the woods, a newcomer will very likely not find a member of the opposite sex that is willing to have a conversation beyond a friendly nod and "Hello" for their first year or so.

Sure, there are a few dirtbags that come around hoping to prey on the newcomers, but this is a big, active AA town and for every one of them, there are a couple hundred of us that will pull him away and explain his error to him.

As my sponsor says: "We're not in the business of killing women here."

I'mready99

Exactly!!!

Any man that is serious about AA and what AA stands for, and seeking genuine help, would, I hope, never try to take advantage of a newcomer coming into the rooms for help. If they do, they are falsely coming into the rooms for other intentions entirely.

Its a travesty that ladies have to worry about coming to AA for help and have to put up with that kind of BS!!!

One day at a time.

Steve