Am I getting hit on at AA????
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
when my daughter (22 years old) was in rehab, she had to write a 5 page essay on why it is a bad idea to start relationships the first year in recovery. she gets some pressure at meetings from guys, but she says they're just creeps.
she also gets pressure from folks in the family etc who say things like "when are you going to meet a nice guy?" or "i think it would be so good for you to find the right guy" etc. blah blah blah. they're clueless i guess on how vulnerable she is right now?
she also gets pressure from folks in the family etc who say things like "when are you going to meet a nice guy?" or "i think it would be so good for you to find the right guy" etc. blah blah blah. they're clueless i guess on how vulnerable she is right now?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 146
Would anyone care to link me or briefly explain what '13 stepping' is?
Being friendly is ok but I wouldn't be asking anyone of either gender for a coffee or get together for a very long time. In fact I can't ever imagine asking someone of the opposite gender for a coffee from AA. If I was single (which I'm not) I would have enough work to do on myself without looking out for a kindred alcoholics issues too (in a possible relationship that is).
Maybe I'm selfish?
Being friendly is ok but I wouldn't be asking anyone of either gender for a coffee or get together for a very long time. In fact I can't ever imagine asking someone of the opposite gender for a coffee from AA. If I was single (which I'm not) I would have enough work to do on myself without looking out for a kindred alcoholics issues too (in a possible relationship that is).
Maybe I'm selfish?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
The program of AA uses 12 Steps for recovery.
When we discuss 13th Stepping it means that
a member is acting disrespectfully to
another in a unwanted sexual way.
13rh Stepping is a big time NO NO.
When we discuss 13th Stepping it means that
a member is acting disrespectfully to
another in a unwanted sexual way.
13rh Stepping is a big time NO NO.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,415
subliminalurge said:
That's mostly my experience too. I have heard about 13 stepping more than I've seen it. I've intervened, gently, when I've encountered it.
In my opinion, active alcoholics are exploitative and selfish. In other words, I am exploitative and selfish. Take away the drink and I'm still the same. If I'm not working a programme of recovery, or I stop doing it, my exploitative and selfish self - seeking out moments of instant gratification - reasserts itself. I have witnessed members with long-standing sobreity get too "fascinated" with members of the opposite sex, not because they find them attractive, but because they find them vulnerable. I've felt the same feelings inside myself, but have seen them for what they are - another manifestation of my alcoholism.
Thirteen stepping, particularly when it's about exploitation of junior members, is abominable. But it's also part of our illness and needs to be treated as such. The sexes are kept apart for a very good reason in the fellowship, and it's not because of traditionalism or some sort of twee naivety about sex. It's through a hard-bitten experience of what alcoholism can do to people.
Just my 0.02
In my neck of the woods, a newcomer will very likely not find a member of the opposite sex that is willing to have a conversation beyond a friendly nod and "Hello" for their first year or so.
In my opinion, active alcoholics are exploitative and selfish. In other words, I am exploitative and selfish. Take away the drink and I'm still the same. If I'm not working a programme of recovery, or I stop doing it, my exploitative and selfish self - seeking out moments of instant gratification - reasserts itself. I have witnessed members with long-standing sobreity get too "fascinated" with members of the opposite sex, not because they find them attractive, but because they find them vulnerable. I've felt the same feelings inside myself, but have seen them for what they are - another manifestation of my alcoholism.
Thirteen stepping, particularly when it's about exploitation of junior members, is abominable. But it's also part of our illness and needs to be treated as such. The sexes are kept apart for a very good reason in the fellowship, and it's not because of traditionalism or some sort of twee naivety about sex. It's through a hard-bitten experience of what alcoholism can do to people.
Just my 0.02
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
When was the last time your aa or na meeting was ever about 13 stepping?
Sadly it is part of the illness we have, being married I have never even thought of it. It is something that those of us with enough sobreity and sense under neath our belts need to watch out for and nip in the bud when we see it.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I heard thirteenth stepping described by an older member as anything that takes advantage of the newcomer. We most often apply it to a member with time "hitting" on a newcomer, but, according to this gentleman, it can take many forms. Placing demands upon the newcomer -- for money, for rides, for the sweat of their brow -- and disguising it as "the way to get sober" when in reality, it's for personal benefit (of the one demanding it) can be considered 13th stepping.
When someone does not have the experience of working the steps and using them to process those things happening to them and around them, they rely on members who have their interests as a still-suffering alcoholic to guide them. Thirteenth stepping, therefore, can be described as anything that doesn't guide the newcomer in the direction of the twelve steps.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
When someone does not have the experience of working the steps and using them to process those things happening to them and around them, they rely on members who have their interests as a still-suffering alcoholic to guide them. Thirteenth stepping, therefore, can be described as anything that doesn't guide the newcomer in the direction of the twelve steps.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 666
Hey Nuudawn,
Sugah said it best earlier. The way I learned was men with the men, women with the women. This has become so embedded into my AA consciousness that I sometimes even hesitate to reply to women online. As a newcomer I stayed away from the 13 stepper guys because I knew instinctively that their sobriety was suspect. I didn't want what they had... and unfortunately the operative word for most of them is "had". Invariably, they picked up - sometimes taking unprotected newcomer women with them. Stick with the women.
Mike in Boston
Sugah said it best earlier. The way I learned was men with the men, women with the women. This has become so embedded into my AA consciousness that I sometimes even hesitate to reply to women online. As a newcomer I stayed away from the 13 stepper guys because I knew instinctively that their sobriety was suspect. I didn't want what they had... and unfortunately the operative word for most of them is "had". Invariably, they picked up - sometimes taking unprotected newcomer women with them. Stick with the women.
Mike in Boston
Last edited by mikel60; 01-06-2007 at 08:14 AM. Reason: speling...er spelling
outtahere
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 519
I think women have something valuable to contribute to men as well as women and men have something valuable to contribute to women as well as men. We may not get that important message if we separate ourselves from half the population (more or less).
Don't desert all men, because of a few men.
Don't desert all men, because of a few men.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Nuudawn 
Like isn't it a strong suggestion that you have no intimate relationships for first year??? Like don't they know that??
No major changes is suggested for the first year. New relationships would fall into that area.
I don't know why this makes me so ticked off.
T.
Good that you understand what is what. Your recovery will grow much faster because of it. As for getting ticked off... Just realizing that not everyone is as far along in their understanding of proper recovery as you (yes you are beyond some that may even have 10 years) and accepting it as a fact of life...then not letting it get you upset so much will do you good.
people are people..guys are guys...and life can be life.
Don't let others ruin your day. Hold yourself strong and know you are doing right. (their issue is their problem to deal with)
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Originally Posted by leeside
I think women have something valuable to contribute to men as well as women and men have something valuable to contribute to women as well as men. We may not get that important message if we separate ourselves from half the population (more or less).
Don't desert all men, because of a few men.
Don't desert all men, because of a few men.
I do have my "big brothers" in AA that I sure wouldn't want to be without!
Peace & Love,
Sugah
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