hopeangel

hi, i am so happy to find this site. i am married to an alcoholic. we have been together 7 years-married for three. he is in outpatient treatment. he is 14 days sober -two weeks friday.
he has been verbally and -at times-physically abusive. he gets really mean when drinking. his whole attitude changes.
we do not have children.
husband started treatment dec. 4 -relapsed dec 15- when he pushed me and bruised and hurt my knee. he has promised that would never happen again.
he continues to try and start arguements with me and be very disrepectful at times.
he has been sober two weeks 14 days, but it has not been easy going. he is very angry, has big mood swings. other times he is great and i am really proud of the progress he is making. at times it seems like he gets it and then he doesn't.
i guess i am wondering if his personality will change and when. is it what they call dry drunk??? or is this his real personality. i have always excused or blamed his actions and personality on drinking and have never known him sober, so i am questioning -is this his real personality?
honestly, i am tired of his attitude and personality and if it doesn't change i want to leave him. i just don't want to deal with it. sometimes i just wish i had my own place and didn't have to deal with any of this.

best

In an abusive relationship that is the promise I see broken more then any other.

Unless he seeks full recovery, "counseling", and continues working his recovery program...daily... it will happen again. If ever I hit my wife...I would leave before she even had a chance to throw me out for good. Even at the height of my drinking when a thought of hitting her entered my mind...I left the house to remove myself from the situation. No man should hit a lady....ever.
Counseling ..be it through a counselor or a minister is a must in my opinion.
I have seen a person go through counseling and stop his distructive behaviors for 6 months only to return to his old ways in an even stronger fashion and then reject any more counseling. 27 years my sister put up with it, thinking she could change him or that he would change...only with counseling did she see the slightest changes in him.

Contact an abused women's shelter to gather more info on what an abusive relationship can grow into. Educated and with a plan of escape for when it may be needed is a good idea.
Couseling or bust is my opinion.

CarolD

He hit...I left.


Here is a link about Dry Drunks

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info/a/aa081397.htm

Baritone

(((((((((( Hopeangel )))))))))))

When all the alcoholic does is stop consuming alcohol, you are still left with an alcoholic, who now is faced with all their demons for which getting drunk was their attempt at a solution. That's why AA has the 12 steps - to effect the "spiritual change" which allows the alcoholic to live a happy, joyous, and free life. Until the alcoholic does the necessary actions which will bring about this change in themselves, what you have is indeed a dry drunk. So to answer your question, the personality you are dealing with now is still the same alcoholic personality he exhibited when drinking. But the person he really can become is in there, though it will take effort and willingness to change on his part.

- Jim

hope3

Dear Hopeangel, welcome and you are not alone, Best, Carol, and baritone gave some very good advice, and I agree.

You might want to check out the friends and family forum on the web site under forums, there are a lot of wonderful people going through the same things you are, God Bless you Hopeangel Hope3.

nanita

I'm the alcoholic in my family, not my husband. But - if I was abusive in ANY way, my husband would leave my in a heartbeat, no matter how much he loves me. My first marriage lasted 19 years - my husband was mentally abusive, and although he never hit, I was still physically afraid of him. The smartest thing I ever did was get the courage to leave. Get out and get on with your life.

hopeangel

you are right. his behavior is unacceptable. i am in the position right now that i am trying to be patient and to give him time to hopefully get better in treatment. if he is sober, but the attitude doesn't change. i am going to have to face that. i am trying to give it every chance though. i believe there a lot of underlying issues that he has to face. we have been to counseling and i hope he continues this.
i do have to find a way to set boundaries. it is hard when you live with the person.
i have visited the families forum. i really like getting both the alcoholics and families thoughts though. it really helps to understand. i enjoy going to AA meetings for this too.