HopeInFaith

So I'm talking to my therapist last night, and through it I come to the realization that one of the reasons I don't want to give up drinking is because it's what keeps me company when my husband is always gone. It's what I've used as an escape from the hurt feelings of not getting to spend time with him like I would like to. Knowing that part of his successful recovery is the fellowship he spends with other men in AA, I don't make a stink about the fact that they come first - but inside I hurt.

So I feel like, as long as I can have a drink - who cares what he does...he can do whatever he needs to do to stay sober - because I'm not the one who will end up with a needle in my arm (just a bunch of blackouts! ha!) And there you have it. My other lover to keep me company when my husband isn't there. But the facade of it all, is that this other lover doesn't satisfy me...and doesn't complete me. And after he's gone I'm left cleaning up the mess inside me...so that fulfillment needs to come from a happy spirit, a fulfilled soul.

I tried to explain this to my husband - that I turn to alcohol to escape my sadness when I don't get to see him...and he dismissed it - laughing he said, baby you're normal - you don't have to stop drinking. I'd much rather have a 'normal' wife who gets wasted every now and then, than a wife who's an alcoholic.....

I'm afraid he already got the latter....

CarolD

You know what puzzles me?

Since when did the idea that
normal people drink become a given?

There are more people in the world who do not drink
than those who do

Of course, that is only my opinion.
I have no facts as to the numbers to compare.

Anyway Hope..relationships constantly change and
you are making a wise decision for yourself.

He has evidently made one too by choosing his recovery.....
I am surprized to
see he is not more aware and supportive.

Keep moving forward..Blessings

Anna

One of the most powerful, amazing books I ever read is:

"Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp

It is a memoir of a young, brilliant woman and her love affair with alcohol. It was while I was drinking that I read this book and it gave me so much hope and belief that I could do this.

HopeInFaith

Thanks for the feedback Ladies...you know Carol - that is a really good point. I tend to think that the 'normal' people are the ones that rarely drink, and if they do - don't generally drink to the point of excess. Anna - thanks for the recommendation. I'm going to pick that up.

You know, I seem to be repeatedly getting that response from my husband. My instinct tells me it's because he wants me to be the strong one ...the one without a problem...but it doesn't matter. I know in my heart what I want to do with my life...and I'm just going to move forward with that. And when he asks me if I want some wine I'll just say no.

Nuudawn

My title is from some lyrics I wrote years ago in my 20's. I actually penned a couple of tunes where alcohol was referenced like some living, breathing thing possessing some sort of "spirit" that comforted me. I have long been aware of my relationship with alcohol as it's that relationship that has isolated me from a true meeting of mind and soul. I'm 39 years old now and after six or seven failed attempts at quitting on my own...went to my first meeting the Monday before last. Alas..I had found some answer to my painful loneliness. I was shocked beyond belief as I had long disdained AA...thought it was for the "weak"...thought it was cultish...a bad habit replacing another. Boy, was I wrong.
Alcohol has robbed me of soooooo much...potential, energy, motivation, me. I have longed so long for love yet I didn't love myself. I could or would NOT bring myself to the table with another soul without alcohol. My last (excruciating) relationship ended just before my first meeting and throughout it I had this feeling of complete insincerity. We were both drunks..we had a blast at times..but I was always haunted by the ever present feeling that nothing was "real". And that's because it wasn't. I believe ..in my alcoholic haze that I truly loved this soul..yet lacked the "cajones" (or ovaries..lol) to be real with him...and he me.
I have suffered with brief longings for him since we split but what am I longing for? An alcoholic facade? All my connections until now have been laden with alcohol.
I want love...real true soul baring love....and I will NEVER find that soaked in red wine or whatever mind numbing liquid I can get my hand on when in need.

Be brave and courageous my friend. I hope those same sentiments for myself as I suspect this journey will be a long hard haul at times.

I just read this..."there is no substitute..for you".
Bright blessings and peace,
T.

gypsytears

That's the key I think. Knowing what you want, and how to do it.

HopeInFaith

Yea, how to do it...key stuff right there. Nuudawn, thanks for sharing...I feel that. As I was reading your post, it made me think about the fact that I think a lot of women turn to alcohol as a means for fulfilling that lack of self confidence in ourselves. Rather than believe in the true beauty each of us possesses in just being who we are ..and being OK with that - we think something is wrong with us...I know that's been my story. Alcohol made me someone that fit in...or so I thought. My crutch.

And it's a scary thing to think about just being OK with me. Learning to be comfortable alone in a room, with just me. And beliving that I deserve to love myself ...and respect myself...and expect respect from others. I deserve that.

leviathon

All this is really good stuff... becoming aware of the impact of alcohol and all of its negativity in my life really helped me to wake up and see the need to stop drinking.

Peace, Levi

NYCGirl

In reference to Carold post, I heard a statistic one time which she reminded me of I am going to try and research it.

It went something like this

10% of the popolation consumes 90% of the alchohol.