Lunapro

I've made such a mess of things. I mean, I've done things while I was drunk that were really horrible. Many of them, I never was caught at, but I know about them. I'm trying not to drink, but I just feel this crushing weight of guilt and remorse, and, like anything painful, it makes me want to run for a drink to anaesthetize me. I haven't been able to get more than three days in a row before something happens and I drink again.

I know there's a step in AA that has to do with making restitution or something, but I think I might be skipping ahead if I try to do this one now. Honestly, I really don't trust my own judgement yet, and I don't want to hurt people further. I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if it's really me, if it isn't the alcohol, if I'm just a horrible person. This whole higher power thing isn't really working, because I can't help but think that any higher power wouldn't like me very much. I don't like me, really.

Anyway, that's my issue. Thanks for listening.

Lunapro

Actually, it occurs to me before I worry anyone, that I should clarify that what I've done isn't illegal (except for drunk driving). It isn't like murder or anything. It's more along the lines of lying, cheating and infidelity. Horrible enough.

Anna

Hi,

I got stuck on the 3-day cycle too, for quite a long time. I couldn't deal with the shame and guilt I felt over how much I'd hurt my family. You need to take a step outside of this cycle and be able to move forward.

I think it's very wise to not try to make restitution at this point. Early sobriety is a time of high emotion and dealing with a lot and you'll probably find, that a little perspective, will help you deal with things much better.

A goal of sobriety is to help you learn to like and love yourself. As addicts, we abuse ourselves and clearly we don't like who we are. This is so fundamental and needs to change. It is part of the road of recovery.

There was a wonderful person on this board who helped me get through the guilt and her suggestion was to write. Get a journal going and write down all the feelings that are bothering you. I spent most of a year doing this. Everytime something would come to my mind, I'd get out the journal and write it out. It was VERY hard, but it was a way to let go. At the end of the year, I burned the journal, a symbolic gesture.

Candy Scratch

((((Lunapro)))) I think by worrying about how you have hurt others shows that your are certainly not a horrible person. You're a human being who has made some wrong choices along the way. You're working to make yourself a better person. I think I might focus on getting better first. You can work on the rest as they say, one baby step at a time. I know it's hard, but one thing you may start with is to focus on what is good about yourself rather than the negative. As Anna has said, writing things down is a tremendous way of working through issues that are painful to you.

Hugs ,
Candy Scratch

HopeInFaith

lunapro i can relate to you exactly.....i too have made the same bad decisions...and i get so mad at myself..wondering why i can't just drink without all the decisions that come with the drinking....i make such bad decisions...and i keep thinking that the next time will be different...but it's not different...

anyway, i don't have a lot of insight for you....just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am in the exact same spot as you...

Mercedes1

Lunapro, I am too. No real help just to let you know I feel the same way. I have huge guilt too. I was told that the feelings of remorse, regret are part of getting sober. You will go through that..some longer than others. Mine seems to get longer every time I go back to drinking.

Grasshopper

You are no longer all alone.Felt the same way when i first came into recovery.I felt such remorse,that i almost went back to drinking,to ease my own pain.But knew that if i did,i was back into the visious cycle,of drinking,sobering up,feeling remorse and drinking again.I had to stop.Trust that this recovery program does work.Work it one step at a time,one day at a time.There is a yellow flyer,that you can get at AA meetings,called,yesterday,today and tomorow.I held onto this flyer,and kept reading it,to help keep my focus on my recovery,no matter what.It was a life-line.Kept reading the promises,too,that when i worked for them,they would come true in my life,and they have.At first i couldnt even vision,on how i could ever make ammends to others,for all the "stuff" that ive said and done.But as im working one step at a time,by the time i got to steps 4-9,i was more than ready to make those ammends,and did.My past happened.I cannot change it.But i can change myself,and do the do things,in recovery,to never repeat passed errors,but to learn from them.
Your HP loves you ,and has given you insights,to yourself .You now have an awareness..make those changes!! Go for it.
My prayers are with you,
God Bless

FriendofBill

You still have a conscience.

Many alcoholics lose that completely whilt drinking.

take the action you need to take to keep it...cus you will never be able to make those ammends without it.THe steps are in the order they are for a reason...the best ammends an alcoholic can make to those theyve hurt is to get sober. And that begins with the first step.....

Mercedes1

...."My past happened.I cannot change it.But i can change myself,and do the do things,in recovery,to never repeat passed errors,but to learn from them..."

this statement is exactly what I chose not to believe in past, hense why I drank. I believe drinking over the years has worn me down subconsciously to believe I am "not good enough". Since my last crash I had a decision to lay down and "be" that person or not. I had to believe God didn't want me there. To lay down and die. That because I had a breath..and still here..he was just patiently waiting for me to BE the person you want to be. FriendofBill's signature is what you need to believe...God forgives, and you have a right to be someone special..because He says so and so He says..he doesn't lie. "It's never to late to do the right thing"...

cubbie

Lunapro,

I know how you feel. I have done a lot of things that I am not proud of. I have been caught some of the times. I still hold onto secrets of other times. I have driven drunk, I have hurt others' feelings, I have lied, and worst of all I have led a false life. I compare my life to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When sober, I am a law abiding, charitable, and productive member of society. When I am drinking, I am a menace to society. I have not drank in almost two months. I have not begun the steps of AA, but I plan on making amends first to the people who I hurt the most - Mom, Dad, brother, and best friend.

Cubbie

Lunapro

I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments, and suggestions and support. The hugs, too! I can't even quite believe how much it helped. I was actually crying while I read the thread, I think because I felt less alone.

I am trying to put things out of my mind for now - I can deal with them later, when I've been sober longer than three days. It's not like they can possibly get worse by waiting.

Anyway, here I am at that cursed day three again, but today I am not going to drink. In fact, I have my first appointment for outpatient therapy this afternoon. Wish me luck. I'm nervous, but I realize, in part because of this thread, really, that I need help.

Thank you all.

FriendofBill

good going, Luna....you CAN get sober!

and you will!!!

Grasshopper

Way to go,
keep on,keepin on,
one day at a time.

paulmh

Hi Lunapro.

Every word you wrote resonated with me. I recently went back to see a psychotherapist I hadn't worked with for many years - lovely man, and was a lot of help to me, except with the drinking, lol, it took AA to start to make sense of that. Anyway, when I saw this guy I dropped a line I've heard a lot in the fellowship - "we're only as sick as our secrets". He ran off to write it down, he loved it! It's very true though. Like you say, even though these things may not be illegal, they have terrible power over us, often power far beyond their size. I think that tells us something about our alcoholism, rather than about the things we've done. When I came into the fellowship and it was explained to me that this is an illness of the self - that we have "over inflated" selves, and that we need to deflate these a little - it made a lot fo sense to me. It doesn't mean self-important, or arrogant or big-headed - necessarily. It means we feel things too deeply, because there's more of ourselves to feel! So things like our shame and guilt and ultimately our self hatred - these things are very intense - well, they are for this alcoholic. I found I had to dampen these feelings down. By the end, I had to dampen any feelings down. And I did it compulsively, and without any hope of control, because I couldn't stand to be me.

AA has lots of lovely devices to help us, day by day, to get better. Remembering we are powerless over people places and things. Keeping it "in the day". Accepting the outcome of events. Praying for people when they upset us. Handing it over to a HP. Those last ones were a real doozy for me, being not very G*ddish and all. BUt they work, over time.

And it does get better.

Taiman

The people we hurt the most, are the ones who we love the most, and who love us the most. The step you are referring to is step nine which says "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

At this stage in the game it is too early to make amends to anyone and the chances they will be received positively are slim to none. You can apologise at this stage which is different from an amend.

For those who love us the most, in my experience, the best amend you can make is a living amend. As each day goes by and as you change each day, this is the best amend you can make. You can become a responsible citizen again, a cherished husband or wife, a loving & involved father or mother, a reliable son or daughter. A reliable sister or brother. These are the most important amends you can make, they take time.

Be patient, work hard, and don't forget where you have come from. You are not the first person to make mistakes, no matter how large, and you can change.