hopeless39

I have tried friends and family and it's not the advice I am looking for at this point. My AH has recently attempted to stop drinking, not with complete success but 2 a day is much better than than the 12 pack he's used to. Our problem is that he keeps saying that I don't understand what he's giong through and I don't know how to support him. He tells me that doesn't know how to explain it to me. I'm hoping someone here can help me with this. He's a great man he just has a problem staying sober and supporting his family. PLEASE HELP!!!!

CarolD

I see you are also using the Friends & Family Forum..
that is good.. .

I bet they have mentioned Alanon for yourself.
Have you gone yet?

I was not married when I drank
or since I found sobriety
so I really have no clue.

I do hope others will be along to reply.

Blessings to you and your family..

hopeless39

No I haven't gone to any alanon meetings but I have been to some AA. Friends and Family tend to tell you how to leave your AH and improve on your life. I need help on how to help my AH and hopefully keep our family together. I would like to know how to react to situations that can be positive not negative.

miss communicat

Hi Hopeless and Welcome to SR!

Its great to see you looking for some advice and support. I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and confused and not sure how to proceed.

I realize that you did already spend some time with the Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum, and you felt that the advice "was not what you were looking for", because you "need help on how to help my AH and hopefully keep our family together"......and I wanted to offer you another perspective.

It has been my personal experience with Alcoholism that it affects the whole family, and its affects on the spouse is insidious.Due to erratic, inconsistent behavior patterns in the alcoholic, the spouse often feels overwhelmed and that life is too chaotic to handle. This typically leads to over-managing things.

What you may have picked up from the F&F Forum is that some members have chosen to leave unhealthy or unsafe situations, and are posting about the transition they are facing.

However, it is NOT the "position" of Alanon or of SR Friends and Family to "advise" another on a certain course of action or a decision to make. It definitely does NOT tell folks to leave a marriage, but it DOES offer support in improving on YOUR life.

If I understand your question, you are looking for some advice on how to support your husband in his recovery, right?

One suggestion is to educate yourself about the chemical and physical aspects of the disease. A great book is called "Under The Influence". Please check into the sticky thread at the top of this Forum, posted by Green Tea, or else look into getting the book yourself.

Another suggestion is to reclaim the attention that you place on supporting HIS recovery for yourself. Try to stop focussing on him. Often, the spouse of an alcoholic is saturated in the alcoholic's life experiences and needs to pull some of that focus back to his or her own needs and dreams.

Thats why Alanon is suggested so frequently, but its not the ONLY way. Perhaps you and your husband can visit a counselor together to address the need for healthy boundaries and balance in the marriage.

It sounds like you have a wonderful family and husband willing to do what it takes to grow together. Please keep us posted on your progress.

Wishing you lots of good things!

barb dwyer

I think that Al-Anon is where you'll want to be.

Even though I am alcoholic myself, it didn't stop me from marrying three before I realized that making the same mistake over and over is insane when you expect anything to be different.

I commend you for your effort to keep your family together. There's a section in the BB about 'to wives' you have already read, probably.

But Al-Anon is assuredly where you're going to find answers you're looking for. Just in day - to - day situations with an alcoholic.

hope that helps.

Bright Eye

Hi Hopeless39,

Well done for sticking with him and trying to support him - because he needs some support right now, no doubt about it. Many alcoholics come into recovery feeling that their families haven't supported them, but have just criticized them and judged them for their mistakes. It's easy to undestand why families and partners would do that, but believe me, most alcoholics are already highly self critical and have a very low self-esteem.

What they often need is to feel less of a failure, to feel that there are people behind them who are trying to understand, trying to support them. Unfortunately with an alcoholic in the family, honest, open communication is one thing that tends to suffer. The only way to remedy this is to really listen to each other, let him open up to you, ask him how he feels. Ask him how he would like things to be different in his life. Try not to tell him your opinions for a while, hold back with that stuff until later - just concentrate on really trying to understand what's going on for him. Of course, it's best not to do this when he's drunk. This is incredibly difficult of course, because he'll probably get defensive or feel like you're trying to tell him what to do. He has to feel like the decisions he makes are his.

Then of course, it would be good if he could really listen to you for a while, again without interrupting you with his opinions on things. If you can get the communication running again, in an honest and trusting way, then you can help each other through it.

Good Luck

Grasshopper

Hi Hope,you say that you would like to know how to react.That was in part part of my problem.The alcoholic,acts,out and i react.
Been married for many years now,and i understand what you mean by others in Al-anon,advising you to leave.Some did this to me also.Some were actually mad that i didnt do what they suggested,and that was to leave.So i reminded those good folks that Al-anon is not a tool for them to tell me the answers to my life,but its a recovery program,where as im learning a new way to think and live,that i will be able to make clearer decisons for myself,through my relationship with God.
Stay/leave,i made no decisons,on this,i let go and let God,and worked on my own recovery,and hands off hub,s recovery.This didnt mean that i didn not support him,it simply means that im not getting caught up so much in him,that there is no me.In order to be helpful to others,i needed to do the do things in recovery first,for, myself.
Im not sure if being a non-alocholic if you will ever get it.But if you learn all that you can about alcoholism,it will give you insights.An understanding of sorts.However another alcoholic does get it,only because they have been there too.And its ok if you dont get it,only he has to get it.Listening is the greatest tool that i have.Those 2 ears of mine,to hear another.Sometimes thats the best help i can give to another.And they are glad,that finally another can hear them too.
My prayers are with you both,
God Bless,you on your new way of life!!!!

hopeless39

Thanks everybody,
You got me thinking again, I need to stop letting him know how I feel and putting him down every time he slips and listen to him. I know that he is just as disapointed in himself as I am. My husband is a very loving person and has never been abusive, his drinking makes him a less productive person. I guess Iwhen he says he needs support and I don't give it to him I doen't know what he is looking for. I sit tojust listen or not harp on him what he's doing. Thanks again I appreciate any guidence you can provide.

shockozulu

It sounds to me as if part of this may be the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" issue.

If you choose to support him I would recommend two things.
First, sit down and give a long long hard thought on what YOU have invested in his recovery. Support is one thing, co-dependence in another. Once you have your list, draw two columns. I called them "Support" and "His Recovery/Support++"

The Support++ is the stuff when I give more support than I wanted to, or when his recovery took over what I wanted at the time. Those actions/thoughts where I am more concerned about him than me.
For example, when I got caught up in the storm of "I'm clean today pat me on the back" followed by "I relapsed wahhh"

Then I started to get rid of the "++" actions while replacing them with healthy thoughts.

Later, I moved to more drastic measure with my addict mother, because this was not enough to step out of the drama triangle and she wanted more more more.

miss communicat

Hi there Hopeless,

That sounds good, what you said about learning better listening as well as curbing the urge to harp. There is a skill called "active listening" that you might want to explore. Its one way to improve communication between two people.

One other thought that you may want to consider: From your last post, it sounds like you may have some strong feelings going on that I encourage you to stay in touch with.

We tend to "minimize" our strong emotions (disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness, etc) by disassociating from them; almost like how the active alcoholic "numbs" out with alcohol as a coping method.

I mentioned that because you referred to feeling disappointment in him at times, and I want you to know that your feelings of disappointment are VALID. There is no "right" or "wrong" feeling. Feelings change. I'm sure you also have tons of positive, happy feelings about him too!

If you and your husband can establish a clear, open line of communication with one another, the "support" you wish to extend to him will be a natural by-product. But in order to have honest, open communication with another person, it helps if we know how we are really feeling, and accept ourselves, ugly days and all.

For example, If I want something from my partner but didnt know WHAT my needs are or HOW to speak up for myself, I would likely not get what I needed. That will definitely lead to disappointment.

This is just one way that AA works as a program of recovery and how other12 step programs like Alanon provide tools for self discovery, spiritual growth and service to others.

I hope you keep sharing with us as you work things through.

Good luck~

Lastbinge

Has your husband admitted to you he's an alcoholic? It sounds to me like he has likely admitted it to himself.
In my case I admitted it to myself for years before I got up the gumption to do something about it.
I'm 53 and on my second marriage for the last four years.....my wife liked to drink as well....our courtship and early marriage revovled around a lot of drinking. She was not quite the drinker I was, as I'd tend to drink heavily on a daily basis, but still function in the real world, but every few months or so I'd go on a 7 to 10 day binge where I'd dring morning noon and night.....the only times I wouldn't drink was when I'd be passed out, but I'd wake up and have a beer and be off to the races again.
After a couple of these binges in our early marriage I would tell my wife....."i'm an alcoholic, I cannot drink like "normal" people, I want to give it up, please support me in this endeavor and please show some praise towards me for not drinking.
Well......I guess at the time she just did not understand the magnitude of my problem and wanted to keep me as her drinking buddy.
When she was out of town this past July, I went on a binge of record proportions.........two weeks of round the clock non stop boozing.........she knew i was on the binge again from our phone conversations or lack thereof.
She listened too me for the ten days I was in a violent detox after that binge, she was aware of how sick I had made myself...............and finally.........she came to be in agreement with me that I could no longer drink...........period...........total abstinence. She never demanded it of me, but she finally realized how bad I had the curse and has been totally supportive of my non drinking for the last 90 days.
The next best thing that has come of it is that she has pretty much given up alcohol as well and feels a lot better for it as well. In my ninety days sober she has had a handful of occassions where she's had a drink or two at family functions or more rarely at home.
I love her totally for seeing my dilemma and finally being supportive of my change of lifestyle.
Maybe my story is of no help to you in your situation........but I hope some of what I have said is.

Scott

hopeless39

not sure where to find this.

nocellphone

Here's an online version of the "To Wives" chapter of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, as a previous poster mentioned.

Depending on how much and how frequently he's been drinking, he might benefit from a medically-supervised detox to get him through the rough part and keep him out of physical danger from seizures, etc.

As for Al-Anon, while individuals certainly have opinions on staying or leaving, the fellowship on the whole does not voice opinions on such matters. I have seen families torn apart by the disease of alcoholism/addiction that ended in separation, and I have seen families with the same issue grow together more strongly than ever through finding recovery. They say that when a broken bone heals, the area of the break becomes stronger than it was before being broken...

My opinion is that where there's breath, there's hope. I believe that when those affected by the disease of alcoholism find recovery (this includes even and especially the non-alcoholic), life has a good chance of becoming the wonderful journey it could be.

As I've heard in countless meetings, "The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for many of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it."

This, for me, is truth today.

CarolD

I see the link was posted to our BB
that is what I was doing as well!!

Thanks NoCell...