LauraSFO

I quit drinking for three months. Partly because deep down I knew I needed to, but partly because my husband has a huge problem with it. He loves me and knows the problems alcohol is causing me and our marriage. After three months I convinced myself (and I thought him) that I could "control" it. We made a deal that I would only drink when we went out for dinner or social situations, and that we would not keep any alcohol in the house.

For a while I was able to do that. Then I started buying those small bottles of vodka you get on ariplanes and hiding them in my closet (talk ablout symbolism!) When my husband wasn't looking, I'd pour one in my cranberry juice. And I'd buy those small bottles of wine. I'd stick one or two back in the fridge where he never looks and sneak them into the bathroom to "take a long bath". When I was finished with my bath, and two glasses of wine, I'd stash the glass and bottles under the bathroom sink until he wasn't around. Then I'd get rid of the evidence later.

I've never admitted this to anyone and it feels good to get it out. Though it horrifies me. I am an accomplished, professional woman. How could I have sunk so low?

artboy

Hey its ok....welcome, you will find some truly informative people here, I dont post much, But read here EVERYDAY..its a huge part of my own recovery..baby steps...first...then we can tackle the larger issues we each deal with.

Again Welcome..read..read read
Lee

Steve58

Hi Laura,

Please dont be too down on yourself, it happens to the best of us. It sounds like you have cut back, and thats a really good start. You are not alone, we are all here for the same reason, and most of us have done the same, or in some cases, much much worse when it comes to drinking.

Whats important is that you have found a place where you can talk about it, openly and honestly with others who have been there, and find lots of good advice on where to go from here. For me, my SR family has been the only thing in my life that has really helped me understand, and maybe gain a little control over my problem drinking.

Glad your here!
Steve

AlonebutHopeful

I have noticed a common thing here amongst many of us. And from what I've read, alcoholism and drug addiction do not discriminate. I am a well to do housewife living in the 'burbs with a nasty pain pill addiction. It's incredible how many of us have a certain image, but inside we're the same struggling people. The shame is the worst feeling isn't it? Being here has helped me feel less alone, thus less ashamed. I already can feel my strength and self esteem come back bit by bit. I hope the same for you soon.

CarolD

Welcome and Hi Laura,..

For understanding alcoholism...I recommend...

"Under The influence"
and it's sequel
"Beyond The Influence"

they are carried by Amazon

Blessings to you and your husbad..

daisy_j

Laura-that is what always gets me in trouble when I try to quit. "Oh I 've done so well, so many days or weeks without that I can have just a couple. Obviously I don't have a problem if I can just QUIT."

But even if we can control it for that one night, one night turns into almost every night and before we know it, we were drinking more than we were before. Sometimes I think it's hard for addicts to see long-term consequences. I know it's hard for me. I am only on day 3 and trying to silence that voice that says "oh just a few for old time's sake". If you can do it for three months surely you can do it indefinately. Good luck.

GJ

NYCGirl

Glad you came here. I too used hide those little bottle because I had a similar deal with my husband, but I would get pissed that he would count my drinks and a decide when I had enough, so I would always sneak a few extra. I would also water down the vodka bottle to to keep it full and when it got too watery sneak in a pint and "fix it" as i called it, and hope I didn't get caught with the empty bottle.

I too never told anyone except here.

If it took stooping that low to make you finally see you have a problem than it was worth it.

Read post and get sober, it might hurt at first but it's worth it.

paulmh

I did the same sort of things for many years. Looking back I believe wholeheartedly that active alcoholism is an astonishingly lonely condition. There seemed to be only me and all the things I was ashamed of, stuff I couldn't tell anyone. Life became one long deceit. Like you say, it's good to let it go. Liberating - refreshing, even.

koko

I had so many hiding places for beer,wine, liquor-beer meaning warm nasty beer hidden all over my place.I still find a bottle here and there.My closet and my bathroom were like recycle bins.My daughter ratted me out to my husband on some of the hiding places-I didn't think she saw anything and I certainly didn't think he knew I was drinking!! But of course he said he always knew.I thought I was so slick-that is what DENIAL does to us.We made deals as well but I always had backup stashed somewhere.I can laugh at myself now but at that timeI didn't see anything wrong with having my stash -you know because some people are happy with one or two drinks.....not me.

WEE DEE

Hi Laur

I remember buying some cooking sherry for a new diet meal I was trying. However the meal fell by the wayside and I proceeded to sip away at the bottle. I'd never drank sherry before and I thought it tasted awful - but I still finished the bottle as there was nothing else in the house.

I then proceeded to fill the empty bottle with tea so that my hub didn't know what I'd done - although I did admit it.

I've hidden empty wine bottles too - even when I lived myself so God knows who I thought I was hiding them from!!!

It didn't happen often but the very fact that I had started doing such things really played on my mind. I'm just so glad all that (a day at a time) is behind me.

You will be too - I promise!!!!

D.xxx

guyinNC

((((LauraSFO))))

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You have recognized your addiction and are facing it!! Thats good news.

I am not an alcoholic, my STBXW is. She never recognized or fought her problem. SHe has sank, and is still sinking to depths you can't imagine.

Fight it and win!!

earlybird

How could you have sunk so low? Easy. You're an addict. Thats what we do. Doesnt matter how "accomplished" we are. Our social or financial status is irrelevant. I used to hide fifths of whiskey all over my apartment so my girlfriend wouldnt know I was still drinking. Behind the TV. Under my bed. In the linen closet. Behind the washer and dryer, outside on the window sill behind a tree. I even snuck downstairs in the middle of the night (3am) and got INSIDE a dumpster and drank a from a fifth I tossed in there earlier that day. Talk about L-O-W.

I, too, was a successful, repected person at the time. That status had no impact whatsoever on my actions.

lulu70

Hello Laura--I just wanted to add my welcome. I am also an alcoholic named Laura, so we are sisters already! I hope you will stick around. You will soon find you are not as low as you think you are.

We're here for you!

Irish Virus

No matter how low you have fallen, you can always go one step lower.

Do you have the shakes all day long because your body needs booze? Have you hallucinated yet?Did you wind up in a jail cell from a DUI? Or what about a blackout where you can't remember an evening or days?
These are some other lows that are very real if you haven't already experienced them.

All I can recommend is reading the Big Book. and more specifically the story "The housewife who drank at home". It just might hit a chord with you.

Best of luck to you.

kats

As others have said, try not to be so hard on yourself. I can understand where you're coming from. I don't hide alcohol from my husband because he drinks too. But a few years ago I/we started drinking it in our bedroom walk-in closet so that our son wouldn't see us. He's thirteen so I know he knows that we drink (who wouldn't be able to smell tequila on someone?), so why I continue hiding it, I don't know. Other than maybe knowing he's watching my behavior and I don't want him to have those images in his head? Maybe my alcoholism is so shameful to me that psychologically I *need* to keep it hidden away in a closet.

All we can do is keep trying.

fraankie

"............................small bottles of wine. I'd stick one or two back in the fridge where he never looks and sneak them into the bathroom to "take a long bath............"

for a lol
believe me
h knew they were there
in the back of the 'fridge
i can't tell you how many times
"i drank today but nobody knows'
"no one will find this in the bottom of the draw"

i think it's like a phenonemon
we think we are fooling everyone
but
we are only fooling ourselves


best to you
fraankie