PaperDolls

Every thing is crazy in my life right now. I feel like it’s all spinning out of control. I'd love to just pack it up and run away somewhere where noone can find me. Start over.........bad idea.

I just got back from vacation (a week at the lake) and my gf and I had a great, relaxing time. When we got home we hung out together at home and we’re just lazy and watched movies, did the laundry, cleaned the house, had dinner together, and took naps in the afternoon. It was great. Everything felt perfect and I felt like my depression was really getting so much better.

Then Tuesday rolls around and the **** hits the fan. I was caught in a lie. In the past we had a fight about a website that I liked to visit that involved chatting with people. We chatted about things ranging from baseball, to food, to the weather, to politics, to sex. Some of the topics we talked about were inappropriate even though that was not my intention at the time. I could see her point of view and promised her I would never visit the site again. And I kept my promise until Aug. 3rd. I ran across the site again and decided to create a new account. Like an idiot, I thought, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Well, she found it and is really hurt. I’ve apologized a million times and explained to her that it wasn’t about me looking for something else in our relationship. I just enjoy the site and some of the conversation.

So – for me, this brings up the issue that I feel she has no trust for me and I don’t think she really every has. She admits that she is a jealous person. So, now I’m angry about all of this crap from the past. It is so not the right time to talk to her about it because I know it appears that I’m trying to place blame on her for MY lies. I take full responsibility for them. I told her that I lied to her about it because I knew she would never understand it. She thinks chatting with someone online is wrong, even if it’s a computer help site, it’s wrong. So, now I’m lying to her about this site. I want this place to be mine and the stuff here private.

My head is just spinning!

To top it all off – my first love got in contact with me today. I was 14! We’re talking 17 years ago. It’s probably been that long since I’ve even spoken to him! He’s going to be coming through town and would like to meet up. I’d love to meet with him. NOT because I still love him or don’t love my gf but because he was a friend and I’m interested in seeing how he’s doing. This is an example of what I would lie to her about. I would anticipate that she would be angry and insecure about me meeting up with him (even if I invited her, and she is welcome). So, I’d take the easy way out and just not tell her. Then she doesn’t have to worry, right? Well, I’m proving her insecurities to her. I AM a liar now.

What the hell do I do?

Sorry if this is rambling and doesn’t make much sense. The thoughts in my head are really so unorganized it’s hard for me to get them out in a logical order.

Thanks for listening.

doll

Anna

Honesty is the bottom line Paper Dolls, but that works both ways. It sounds like you lie because you 'know' that she will have a negative reaction. I know when I was drinking I lied a lot, about everything and anything. Could it be possible that your girlfriend is suspicious because you have lied in the past?

If you can't tell her about a website you visit or an old friend you want to see, then you have a problem. It sounds like the communication is strained and needs to be straightened out. If you want her to trust you, then you can't lie to her. However, if you are honest with her and she still doesn't trust you, then you need to do something.

scootinbabe

It sounds like you're in a self-inflicted jam like I often do to myself too. I could kick myself when it happens.

Give yourself a hug and take a deep breath.

Hard as it is, the best thing you can do is be honest. Apologize. Explain. Comfort her. Then, it's up to her. If you do your part and then let go, I think it's like working the steps. It's out of your control.

As for this site, I don't know. My instinct is to tell her that you post here and that she can check it anytime but that it is really important for you to have a place where you can go and talk with others about things that affect your sobriety. Show her your post above if you are having trouble speaking with her about it.

I know this is hard advice to follow and I'm really a newbie at all this too. Hope this helps and hopefully you'll hear from the others here with their wisdom and experience. Don't beat yourself up. You're only human.

Good luck with your decision.

ooo-i just read anna's post and she is absolutely right about the trust and communication thing.

PaperDolls

I think I tend to lie to people sometimes because I don't want to hurt them. I think I might assume something will hurt them when really, I don't know.

I agree - honesty is the bottom line.

As odd as this sounds, I think the is the healthiest fight we have ever had. I was able to talk with her last night without yelling and getting out of control, which I tend to do in a fight. She is being very open and honest to me and I'm listening to what she is saying instead of thinking of my next words. I'm going to call the counselor today to see if he can get us in tomorrow or Saturday.

Now -- my biggest delima is this site. She doesn't know about it and she would not ever agree that it is okay for me to be here. Ever. Even if she was okay with it -- I don't want her to come here and read my posts......I have the freedom here to say what is on my mind just like speaking to a best friend and venting about everyday problems. I want this place to be mine, not to keep secrets but I just want it to me mine. I don't know how to say it without it sounding wrong or bad or weird.

How can I tell her about this place and still keep my privacy? I have to tell her today. It's tearing me up inside that I've lied to her so much.

Anna -- as far as past lies. I would say generally, the answer is no. But she went through hell with me while I was drinking and a mess. I did a lot of things to hurt her in the past related to the drinking. She never trusted me when I was drunk and I don't blame her for that. She said last night -- that all of her jealousy issues and insecurities stemmed from my drinking. Now that I'm not drinking she trusts me. Obviously not when it comes to chatting with people online but in everyday life she says she has trust for me.

All I can think of to say to her is this:
There is a website that I visit on a daily basis that has helped me deal with my drinking and my depression and everyday issues. I do chat with people on the site but I'd like to keep it private. I consider it sort of like a journal that I can write whatever I want and keep it too myself. I promise you that I do not talk about anything inappropriate on the site. Please respect me on this.

I'm not sure how it would go over. What do you think? I want to learn to be 100% honest, not just with her but with myself too.

BigSis

Actually, I don't think it has one thing to do with hurting others..... For me, it has always been about not wanting to deal with THEIR insecurities and then not holding MY ground on what I believe to be MY rights.



Like this: "Honey, I love you. I am going to a web site where I have the freedom here to say what is on my mind just like speaking to a best friend and venting about everyday problems. I want this place to be mine, not to keep secrets but I just want it to me mine."

Doll - the part YOU have to understand is that it is NOT bad or weird to want some parts of your life to be private. And if she can't live with that.... then she can't live with that.

It isn't about hurting her, it is about deciding what is right FOR YOU. And instead of spending a lot of time explaining, I think the time might be better spent "repeating". Sometimes I just have to hold my ground by sounding like a broken record.



Lying is a sneaky, underhanded way of trying to get something you know in your heart is not bad or weird. The lying is the bad/weird part.

PaperDolls

You always have such great answers BigSis.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to say to her.She's sent me an email asking if I have anymore "secrets" or sites that I visit that she needs to know about.

STRESS!!!

Anna

Yes, BigSis is right on as usual. This is something you should certainly be able to do without feeling guilty about it. And, coming here is doing what is right and good for you. This is not something you do to hurt your girlfriend and she needs to understand that.

PaperDolls

How can I help her to understand that? I can't blame her, especially right now, for not trusting me. Why would she believe me if I said nothing inappropriate was going here? Why? I'm digging my own grave here. Actually, the whole is ready and I've got one foot in. This is were I normally lie to her. What she doesn't know won't hurt her mentality..........I know it's wrong and I have to learn to be honest. I'm not sure HOW to deal with her insecurities..........so I've tried to avoid them in the past. I know it doesn't work and it's not right. But I really don't know what to do without her blowing up. I'm afraid of what she might say........all of the what if's are running through my head.

I know once I tell her about this place, without mentioning the name of the site. She'll be on the internet, franticily doing a search to find it. More than likly she will find it. Then what. She'll hold every little thing I've said here against me. I'm becoming paranoid.

I'd really like to tell her about SR in the company of my counselor. I have such a hard time saying the right thing and I don't want to continue to hurt her.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed for lying to her. She's lost all respect for me.

michski

I wouldn't have any respect for anyone who couldn't respect my need for privacy! Think about it. Don't panic.

BigSis

Doll...

A year before he died, my brother was unfaithful to his wife of over 20 years. She was devastated. Incredibly. He was remorseful. Incredibly.

What he did next was part of their sick, codependent dance...

He confessed every moment, every rondeveous, every telephone call, every letter, every EVERYthing they did togehter. At her behest.

He would drop everything and run to jot down things as he remembered them. He was pathetic in his attempt to fulfill HER desire to "know everything".

The more she knew, the more bitter, hateful and vengeful she became.

For the last year, he was her slave. He did what she wanted when she wanted and spoke only when spoken to. He was pitiful and she was still constantly and continually hurt and betrayed. There was not ONE conversation where his infidelity was not mentioned... by her.

I tried to get him to stop the damage, but he was bent on trying to "make up" for his transgressions.

In my opinion, those "confessions" ruined what was left of their relationship as much as his initial infidelity.

How much better it might have been for him to set a few boundaries? That he could read books that she didn't know about. That he could watch movies that she didn't like.

Either she accepts your remorse, or she doesn't. Knowing "EVERYTHING" will not change that. Perhaps you could respond with - "we need to talk in person".

And let her know again, that you love her, that you feel incredible remorse AND that you will still have websites you will visit without her permission, and friends that she does not know. Can she handle that?

((((doll)))))

PaperDolls

I'm sort starting to feel like your brother must have felt. I do not want to go there. It would not be fair to either one of us and it would be miserable.

The simple answer to your question "Can she handle that?" is NO.

scootinbabe

why don't you take the issue to your therapy session? discuss everything, put it all on the table, and then try to find some agreement that meets the needs of both of you. What would make her comfortable without jeopardizing your need to post here and your desire to see your old friend, etc.? Ask her what she would suggest. (All while you're with therapist.) Work out a compromise and stick to it.

Now this, just for you. you might want to examine why you feel the need to lie/or hide the truth. Once trust is eroded, it is hard to earn it back. i know that i do "little white lies" occasionally (just to avoid going into something or whatever)--usually it is totally unnecessary and it just gets me in trouble when/if i'm found out. because i've done this, i've caused trust issues in my relationships. i myself don't know why i do this--perhaps to sabotage relationships? perhaps because of an adult who did it to me? perhaps it's alcoholic behavior? maybe because i'm being defensive? i don't know! if this sounds like you, maybe you can be more successful at finding out why you feel the need to do these things. I'm still trying to find out!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

PaperDolls

It does sound like me. I think I do it to avoid any confrontation.

Now - the latest message I got from my gf says "Another issue that I have with your chatting is that it is all done in secrecy. You ONLY chat online with people when you are work, or I suppose if I am out of town and you are home. Secrecy is betrayal, betrayal breaks your trust and can be just as damaging as physical infedelity."

I honestly do not know what to do.

I told her today that I wish we could come to some sort of middle ground on this issue. I'm done with the other site that upset her so much. Even though I do not consider it cheating, I know that some the things that were discussed there were inapprioiate. I'm willing to not go to that site. But this one I want and I want it to be private. She siad there is no middle ground because there is no reason I need to talk to people online and that it's wrong and she won't put up with it.

*sigh* I'm pulling my hair out here. I'm worthless at work and hell, so is she.

PaperDolls

anyone around? I need advice!

Anna

That doesn't sound good to me at all Doll.

She has to respect your needs as a person and coming here is good for you and it's a safe place and it's not going to hurt her. If you stopped coming here to keep your g/f happy, it would be a big mistake, in my opinion.

PaperDolls

how can I tell her that without her being mad? she already doesn't trust me.

Done_With_It

Her being mad is not your 'issue' Doll. Her emotions and reactions are Her own.

I read awhile ago, if you want or try to change someone your require them to lie to you.
It made alot of sense.

If it were me, I wouldn't tell her about this site, as you said she'll find it.
It's none of her business. Like you said, it's like a journal.
I don't tell any of my friends or family about these places. It's None of their business, and I don't want to have to sensor myself.
I've said that I go to self help boards before, but it's none of their business where I go.

You are two people, different minds, different lives, that come together as a couple. But it is healthy to have your own thing. Would you respect her if she had an issue and was doing what she needed to, to stay healthy?

If I remember right, she didn't understand your need for AA either?

Girl, You deserve respect, and NOTHING Less..... I haven't seen you getting your fair share of it...

Just my .2 cents.

((((Doll))))))

Anna

Doll,

If your coming to SR and taking care of yourself makes your girlfriend mad, what kind of situation is that for you guys to be in?

PaperDolls

Thank you for you replies. I'm in a bad emotional state today. Not just because of this but it's bringing up all of this things in my head.

I know that I tend to not tell people things because I don't' want them to worry. I only want everyone to be happy even at my own expense. I still haven't responded to her email yet and we talked a lot today. I have not told her about this site yet. I plan on doing it tomorrow. I've made an appointment with the counselor.

I think you're right DWI but I don't know how to do any of that stuff without hurting her and I'm just not willing to do that. I don't know how.

I'm really a mess of a person.

Done_With_It

Your not a mess of a person, but please think about telling her about this site.
I think it would horrible if you ended up leaving over all of this.

Are you seeing a counselor on your own as well? Maybe that would be a good idea. They could help you get to the point of not hurting yourself to keep others happy.

Therapy helped me with all that stuff, and how to set boundaries, etc.

Hang in there girl, I'm with you in spirit!