WaterOx

So I've been heavily involved in AA for the past 30 days. I even got a sponsor for the first time. But I can't help get hung up on comparisons, sometimes.

I'll be sitting there, nodding my head in agreement when someone is speaking, totally relating. Then, suddenly, they will mention something to me that is outrageous like "so I woke up in jail for the 4th time..." or "I lost my license" or even something more benign like "people got sick of my drunk dialing and blackouts". Or even "I drank a handle of whiskey every night".

I've never come close to any of these things. I never drunk dialed in my life. Not once. Never jail, never lost anything. And on top of that, I drink wine, not whiskey or anything hard- and it's usually no more than a bottle these days.

Truthfully, I couldn't help feel my sponsor was scratching his head when I answered "no" to most of his questions.
"Did you drink to blackout?" no
"Did you spend money on alcohol when you couldn't afford it?" no
"Did it affect any of your relationships?" no
etc....

He was like "hmmm well I guess if it's a problem then it's a problem." Like hey, whatever man, you're not a real alcoholic but who am I to say otherwise?

And that's just it. It is a problem. I can't stop on my own. I've tried for 10 years now.

I'm sorry, I fully recognize that it's likely I'm in the grip of the AV right now. I get that, and that's why I had to come here. I need some perspective. Because that's my one out. It's the only thing I have left to convince myself that it was never that bad, it's the AV telling me "look how bad everyone is but you!"

Dee74

Hi Water Ox
not an AA guy but we go back a ways

You've got over a thousand posts and 3 pages of threads you've started.

Maybe it might help to have a read through those?
Remind yourself of the reality?

I don't know if you're as 'bad' as some, but its not a competition.

I've seen beer binge drinkers die alongside the start up hard liquor guys (and gals) and I've seen folks from both levels destroy their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

D

nez

Like Dee said alcoholism is not a competition. The only winners are the people who quit.

This is alcoholism.

This is alcoholism. Non-alcoholics don't justify their drinking.

Real alcoholic is a bullsh*t pairing of words. Are there fake or imitation alcoholics?

Seems pretty real to me. Was my reality for 10 years as well. I didn't have to live up to or down to anyone else's opinion of what an alcoholic is or isn't; in order to decide enough is enough. I decided enough is enough. If anyone doesn't think I was a real enough alcoholic, they are more than welcome to pick up where I left off.

When I started listening to the real me, change for the better started. All I can say is "WOW!!!" I wouldn't trade my real life for anything or anyone.

trailmix

I'm not an alcoholic I usually post in the friends and family forum, I hope you don't mind me posting in this thread, but I thought you might find this website/these papers helpful:

I'm not nearly as bad as OTHER people!

"An almost universal addictive rationalization. The addict compares himself to people who are in his opinion in far worse shape than he believes himself to be and concludes from this that there is no reason to be concerned about his own addictive behavior. Since there is always someone worse off than himself the addict feels entitled in continuing his addiction".

and

"One of the chief ways the addiction protects and strengthens itself is by a psychology of personal exceptionalism which permits the addict to maintain a simultaneous double-entry bookkeeping of addictive and non-addictive realities and to reconcile the two when required by reference to the unique, special considerations that àat least in his own mind- happen to apply to his particular case.

The form of the logic for this personal exceptionalism is:

• Under ordinary circumstances and for most people X is undesirable/irrational;
• My circumstances are not ordinary and I am different from most people;
• Therefore X is not undesirable/irrational in my case - or not as undesirable/irrational as it would be in other cases.

Armed with this powerful tool of personal exceptionalism that is a virtual "Open Sesame" for every difficult ethical conundrum he is apt to face, the addict is free to take whatever measures are required for the preservation and progress of his addiction, while simultaneously maintaining his allegiance to the principles that would certainly apply if only his case were not a special one".

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/E...lcoholics.html
Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. (well known addiction specialist)

JamesW

Thank you Trailmix, that's a very interesting post, one I think many of use will find useful. Oh the games we addicts play with our own mind!. There is no hierarchy of pain, and no prizes for having the best horror stories.

WaterOx

Thanks everyone. I guess I really needed that. I feel better about it all today.

sugarbear1

"And that's just it. It is a problem. I can't stop on my own. I've tried for 10 years now."

This is all you need. Welcome home!

VikingGF

If you think it’s a problem, it’s a problem.

january161992

I relate to this.
My Sponsor drank everything, lost everything and burned his life to the ground, so when we met he couldn't understand why I was at an AA Meeting having done none of those things.