Realest

“Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.” Page 62


Okay I. Understand that while we drink and harm people The is selfish.

But how is selfishness the root fo our troubles when we do service . Sponsor others, and recover.

And as a human being how do we not think of ourselves most of the day? It’s human. Can someone explain this passage to me a bit better?

Dave42001

I appreciate all your post lately and glad you found us!!

I’ve been sober a few days and I’m still a selfish a-hole at times.. I listen to ‘ how it works’ at meetings and remind myself that I am human and not a saint.. it’s all about spiritual progress not spiritual perfection to me!

I have to practice this every day, I always need a good reminder! My Ego is not my amigo! Ive heard the world record for soberity is still one day at a time!

Thanks again..Enjoy the weekend!

Realest

You have a few days hang on to it. Some people I know can’t even get a few days. Keep it up.

trailmix

I can't explain the passage, i'm not an alcoholic and haven't read the BB, but I think I have a grasp on selfishness - so please take what you like from this.

Whether you spend most of the day thinking about yourself or not probably has to do with your personal situation, if you live alone and are single, then, for sure, you have no one else to consider, generally, in your day to day - most of the day - activities.

Selflessness doesn't have to be about the bigger items, like service (volunteering at the homeless shelter or sponsoring someone).

For example. You and your wife/bf are sitting watching TV and you get up to get a doughnut and coffee. Do you automatically ask them if they would like anything? Do you consider them at all or is this just about you?

You and your Brother get amazing seats for a BB game this weekend, you are really excited to be going. He calls today and tells you he can't go because he has to work and to top it off the tickets are no longer his because the shop owner is going to use them since your Brother has to work (and he got them through work). Do you spare a minute to think about his feelings and having to work, or is it just about how disappointed you are.

You are short $200.00 on your rent as you had a totally unexpected car repair that your warranty didn't cover. So you call your Dad or Mom for a loan, which you will pay back over a couple of months. They say no, can't do it this month, sorry, we had to replace the furnace on Monday. Do you care that they are struggling too? When you have some extra cash next month do you offer to take them out to dinner or are you just mad that they didn't offer to use their credit card?

Anyway, those are some broad examples off the top of my head, being unselfish requires looking out for the other people in your life, it means having empathy for them.

Maybe you have all these attributes? In which case you are on a good footing!

Realest

Those are great examples of selfishness. Why are you on this forum if you’re not alcoholic and don’t read the big book, just wondering.

trailmix

Thanks and I usually post in the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum.

Ken33xx

“Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.” Page 62

My mother needs a new car. She wanted to buy one and my wife would be co-owner. I would pay half.

My mother wants to drive but only for another year or so as she is getting old. At which point my wife could have it.

Great. I can save a bit of money this way.

Then my mother tells me she wants to keep her car running. She didn't want to spend the money on a new car.

I started say my wife would drive her where she needs to go if she got a new car but backed off.

The truth is I was thinking about the 10 grand I could save if my wife shared the car with my mother. So, I told my mother it's up to her.

I will get the car repaired and she can keep it assuming the car continues to run (20 years old)

I grew up knowing the difference between right and wrong. I know when I b.s. another person in order to take advantage of a situation. When I am trying to rationalize my behavior.

The AA program helps make me a better person but so does simply getting older. I have learned a lot over the past 25 years in sobriety.

I try and keep things simple. Try to keep it 100 (meaning truthful in today's teen slang.)

August252015

To me....
Selfishness is being in the "I" - the ego. My ego. Making things others do about me: how could she do that to me? Doesn't he know what I am going through? don't they know I am in a hurry/on a budget/stressed today?

Flip those things to "why is she upset enough to do that?" / "what's going on with him?" / "everyone's got stuff going on/time to use wisely/stresses - it will be ok" ---> all of this means...."it's not about ME"

You're talking about pages in How It Works, and these include the biggie of Step 4 - seeing where we develop resentments when we blame/focus on others and fail to see our part (another way of explaining selfishness)....and I'd also connect these to pp 417-418 (all my ref are BB 4th ed): I am not God, "perfection" was (is) MY idea of it, when I "complain about you (or me), I am saying I know better than God...."

To me, the themes in the BB all tie together and circle back to step 1. Here, as you also mention, service to others can be a slew of things: being kind to the lady I see at Chick Fil A every morning and using her name (I don't know what kind of day she's having and a "bad mood" has nothing to do with my order/my needs/my existence)...returning a shopping cart at the grocery rather than leave it where it might slide into another car....picking that person up who needs to go to a meeting....

Acceptance that I need to get out of my head, and often my behind, and know that making everything about me, which my alcoholic head can do ("why did my step daughter move to her mother's? what did Iiiiiii do?") is much better for me, my sobriety, and by extension anything I touch with my mere existence.

AAPJ

Hi Trailmix. Got it, you are not an alcoholic and you generally post in the F&F section. That's great. I appreciate your thoughts here on selfishness. I assume you are in these forums in general because you have someone who is close to you that suffers from some form of addiction. Thus, I suggest that you consider reading the BB. It is one of the most widely read books on the topic and while it is focused towards the alcoholic I think you will find it informative and educational. My belief is that everyone on the planet would benefit from some of the steps. 4/5 and 8/9 in particular. You don't have to be an alcoholic to benefit from the principals of the BB.

August252015

^^ To that great comment - the only place the steps refer to alcohol is in step one, part one. IMO everything else is applicable, useful or food for thought on how anyone can live their best lives.

Tommyh

selfishness-undue regard for one`s own interests,regardless of those of others

the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot,that was me right there
remember we run things to the extreme in our minds so much and so long it put me in bondage and kept me there.
Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to _____ _____ ____
I liked to run the whole show,I thought I was ____________ than they was

it got so bad I was all I could think about.My drinking,my drugs , my ___________whatever...….fill in the blanks
the selfishness was the cause,the fear,anger etc was the affects,how the selfishness affected my thinking and living
out of that kind of thinking and living came defects that ran my life,like fear,anger etc which produced more defects,a snowball like thing

every human being has it to some point,but as a alcoholic,I had it to a extreme level that progressed beyond my control.When I did step 4,I saw the reasons I could not stay sober or find sanity on my own.

we have to dig deep into our own minds to root out as much of this sickness as possible and the more I do that ,the more peace I have


so I remember what steps 8 and 9 say -Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.

that's a place I try to grow into so it ain`t "all about me"

DayTrader

I think the easiest explanation comes in examples. Take something that's troubling you and look to see if selfishness is a part. I guess it's possible but I've yet to find something which is bothering me where selfishness isn't THE or one of the main components.

Refer back to the examples given on the previous pages about the actor who wants to be the director, trying to run the whole show, trying to arrange everyone and everything in his/her life in a matter that suits him/herself.

When it comes to helping others - a seemingly "good thing to do," it can be a little tricky but if I'm willing to look hard enough, I can find selfishness even in many of the supposedly good things I do. What are my real motives? Am I doing it out of love for others or am I doing it because I think it's a tool to keep ME sober? Am I, as it states in that story about the actor, being kind, considerate, patient, generous and even self-sacrificing because ultimately I want what's in it for me? How willing am I to give up what I want, what I think is right, or even what I believe out of love for what someone else wants? How willing am I to give up my current "old ideas" and investigate where I may be wrong and seek an updated version of the truth that I have been oblivious to up till now? How willing am I to set down my current toolbox for getting through life to see if God has something better or different for me....... even when I think this current toolbox is better because it's formed from stuff I learned in AA? I could go on but I think you get the picture here.

This is tough work - tough on the ego for sure. Continually for areas of my life where I'm off the spiritual beam, admitting I'm at fault, and taking corrective action.......... no matter how good I think I've currently got it. When I think things are finally settling down and going well it's tough to have the willingness and the humility to consider where I'm STILL wrong, where I'm settling for second-best, and where I'm falling short of God's ideal for me. The temptation to rest on our laurels can be strong, especially when we thing we're always doing the right things.

tomsteve

good stuff ya shared here and thanks for showing examples.

Dee74

I think Dave meant years not days

D

Dave42001

Welcome, Trailmix.. I’m glad you’re here! Thanks for sharing..

Dave42001

Wishing you and your family all the best in 2019, Dee!

Thanks for all the things you do! I’m proud to be a part of SR! It’s truly a wonderful site and helps many!

Grungehead

This is the basic "flow chart" of my alcohoism:

fear → self-centeredness → resentments → drinking

The only question would be which came first, the "chicken or the egg"? Did my fear drive my self-centerdness or did my self-centeredness drive my fear? All I know is when I did my 4th step it was very rare if the two didn't show up together for every resentment I had...and my resentments are what fueled my alcoholism.

tomsteve

not sure if i can explain it better, but reading the next sentence in the bb may help:
Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity,........ .


on this:
But how is selfishness the root of our troubles when we do service . Sponsor others, and recover.
is service work, sponsoring, and recovering a trouble ? or is it a solution and acts of selflessness?

And as a human being how do we not think of ourselves most of the day? It’s human

i think its impossible to not think about myself during the day for the reason you say- im human. im definately thinkin about myself when i wake up and have to pee.
how to not think about myself most of the day- best way for me is through 11th step- praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out.

August252015

Here is another example of possible selfishness. It took me a sec to get what the person who told me this one meant and how the dad might actually have been selfish:

Dad wants to throw the best birthday party EVER for his kid. Goes all out, theme of choice, decorations, activities, on and on. No expense spared, lots of presents, the whole 1st grade class and parents invited.
Did the dad truly do this because he wanted his kid to be the happiest ever at such an amazing birthday? Or did he have an idea that this totally made him dad of the year? If it was the second one, even subconsciously - that's being selfish.

Realest

Is it tough work and I usually don’t see selfishness in me I see it in others first. But it’s progress not perfection.

I need to practice the 11th step more thanks.