paulokes

^ and what a revelation it must have been BB! Difficult to swallow too I imagine...like all areas of life...until someone is ready to swallow those chunks of truth about themselves there's very little we can do except treat them appropriately and set a good example IME judging/criticising a part of someone that they are not ready to see is often unhelpful...as is reinforcing or validating their old ideas and beliefs (cosigning their BS) with unqualified sympathy

It really does tale two to tango...and so many of us have been dancing for many years without really reflecting on the steps we make and where they tend to get us to...much more fun to blame everyone else on the dance floor! I'm glad for one that I'm able to see past that today.

P

tomsteve

could just be location, but ive seen both male and female come into the rooms very vulnerable. many come in not knowing anything other than AA is there to help people get sober. there can be a perception that people in the meetings have all worked the steps and are recovered and there to help.
i had the same thought when i walked in. then i took my blinders off.

Berrybean

Yep. Difficult to swallow. But like all the best medicine, just what I needed for healing. None of us get better or grow by looking at other people's defects of character.

And like Tomsteve says, the whole 13th stepping can be done by males and females, and have equally devastating impact on the people's recovery /sobriety.

BB

WMJ1012

When I have enough wisdom to see that this is mynsriff coming out too I do a 10th step on it to see why it disturbs me so much.
Chances are your sponsee wasn't ready yet.

I had a sponsee who was being pursued by a longtime very respected member. He told her not to tell me she was going down to his farm to visit him. But she told me because she was willing to do the work in the steps.
I explained that he was doing the best he could but I have to save my life here on the steps....
She got it right away and never went back, and was not resentful. She simply moved straight on.
A few months later he was arrested for griping a lady in a restaurant and put in prison for 6 months.
Upon his release he still couldn't get honest.
Some are sicker than others or in different ways. My only business is remaining available for those who are willing today. I can pray for the rest.

MindfulMan

This happens at gay meetings too. OMG yes.

Some are like gay bars without the alcohol. Guys cruising for hookups, in many cases replacing booze/meth/whatever with sex addiction. The three go hand-in-hand.

I've seen a new young face come in, newly sober, and some predators hit on them immediately.

Thankfully I have found some gay mens stag meetings and mix gender ones that aren't like that, and have people with a lot of sober time.

I was warned about 13th stepping. Thank God.

WMJ1012

Predation happens with a lot of us and in different ways. The overt sexual stuff is just the overt
Most of us act out sexually before we find a Higher Power

SoberCAH

You made me laugh out loud.

We men are, by and large, pretty easy marks when it comes to our dealings with women.

It's what Don Williams sang about when he looked at his baby daughter and observed "that pleasing and teasing they start learning when they're babies."

I was married 21 years to my first wife, which included alcoholism on my part for the first 3.5 years and recovery for the balance.

I was divorced and remarried 6 months later, with no playing the field in between (I married my college sweetheart whom I hadn't seen for 21 years), and we celebrated 12 years of marriage (all sober) a couple of weeks ago.

I have an abundance of male and female friends in AA.

But, as with the rest of my life (work and play), I draw a line in my dealings with women, whether they are in AA, the workplace or elsewhere..

It has served me pretty well thus far.

Bunny211

There is a guy in my town with 30 something years sober, in his 60s, who seeks out the female newcomers (usually MUCH younger). He doesn't give them booze or drugs but he NEVER EVER dates anyone with good sobriety...solely fresh meat....girls in their 30s. I know of two girls who have relapsed after dating him, one ended up in a mental ward. I hate that big bald sleaze of a dirty old man!

Ken33xx

I spent time in the Hillcrest district of San Diego and was staying a 10 minute walk from an AA club house which is gay. I used to attend the noon and early evening meetings. As far as 13th stepping goes I've never seen anything like it. A young fellow would introduce himself as new to program or coming to AA vie NA (SD has a huge meth problem) and members would be climbing over chairs after the meeting to get to him.

There's a long standing member who usually carries with him a bag of candy. A great way to break the ice with newcomers especially a particular type of newcomer (I'll leave it at that.)

However, the meetings a quite good but 13th stepping seems a matter of course for a lot of guys/gals in the room.

I brought my wife with me once. She walked to the coffee bar in back by herself and didn't quite make it before one of the woman who is notorious for sharing about her love life starting to hit on her.

SoberCAH

This is disgraceful.

It's a fox in the hen-house situation.

I think that the meeting should hold a group conscience to decide what to do about it.

There is a hot part of Hell for predators like this.

I was at my home group yesterday, which is a church meeting with 2 different meeting rooms.

One room is larger and usually has treatment center people, along with old timers in it.

The other has sofas and comfortable chairs and usually has 10 - 15 attendees, many of which tend to be male old timers.

That was the dynamic yesterday, but there was an attractive female in the group of 9 or 10 largely older men.

I didn't know whether she was a newcomer or had many years sober.

She spoke last and indicated she was a newcomer and fresh out of treatment.

She used a lot of profanity and was not particularly stable (who is right out of treatment?).

Her rather graphic profanity made me uncomfortable in the context we were in (i.e. a mixed group).

She talked to several of the men after the meeting and they tried to point her in the direction of AA recovery (get a sponsor, work the steps, read the literature, etc.).

This meeting is primarily older men with many years of recovery.

I have gone to it for many, many years.

There is no sexual depredation or hitting on females which occurs in the meeting I attend.

It is a safe place, which is good, because we welcome female attendees (even though the meeting is all men about half the time).

This lady needed to be directing her inquiries to some of our female old-timers (who have also helped me out over the years through their own examples of working the 12 steps).