Centered3

A few weeks ago, I got a phone call from a woman in AA who I know from my home group. I see her at most once a month. She has a sponsor who was taking her through the steps. I've shared with her my experience about my step work, and have answered her questions about it. Sometimes I've talked with her about her family resentments, when she was writing step 4.

Every now and then, she'd call me and talk my ear off about the latest drama at her job. She makes a lot of money, and I was rather surprised when she was complaining about not getting more money, and not getting something else she asked for. I thought she was being rather selfish, but since she didn't ask for my opinion, I did not give it. I just listened and tried to reflect a spiritual answer back.

She also called me a few times when she was thinking about leaving her job for a higher paid job and again although I didn't think she was treating her current boss fairly, I didn't say anything since she didn't ask.

I was getting frustrated with these phone calls, because they weren't really about step work, meaning she didn't seem to be looking for a spiritual solution, but seemed more to want to vent or wanted someone to tell her she was doing the right thing, etc.

She never asks if it's a good time when she calls. She never thanks me for my time. She never asks how I am. I get it; I know we alcoholics are selfish and self-centered, but I'm not her sponsor. When I speak with my sponsees on the phone for an hour about their week or whatever, that to me is different. I don't care if they don't do these things.

Recently, she called me and it was not a good time. I was in the middle of rushing and trying to get out the door, but I did answer her call because I was concerned if she was okay or if she relapsed or something since we don't talk regularly. She started right in with telling me that she just finished her 5th step and got back together with her ex-husband, wanted to make amends to him, (she's not on step 9 though yet) and had some Al-anon type questions to ask me, and asked me if I was in Al-anon. I told her that was years ago, and that I only went a few times. She didn't care, and continued to talk my ear off about her "situation" with her ex-husband.

I interrupted and said, "Look, this isn't a good time. Who is your sponsor?" She told me who it was, and then I said, "Talk to her about it." I wasn't rude, but I was matter of fact. It was very obvious by my tone of voice that she caught me when I was busy, but maybe she took my tone personally, I don't know. I also said that she shouldn't be thinking about making amends until doing Step 8 with her sponsor. I was rather surprised that she went back to him after she finished Step 5 and not the rest of the steps. I was also rather taken aback that she called ME to discuss this, and not her sponsor. I wasn't the one who heard her 5th step.

Thing is, I haven't seen her at our meeting for quite a while and I am concerned I hurt her feelings or something.

Do I owe an amends or something? Did I do anything wrong, or was I just putting up a healthy self-care boundary and telling her the way I saw it?

August252015

Hey lady- I just tried to PM you but it said your mailbox was full and it can't take any more. Let me know how to get in touch or email me!

There is a whole lot going on with this lady. It sounds like some confusion (on her part) of your role v her sponsor role .... bottom line I got from all of this is that it is burdensome to you in a lot of ways. Perhaps a change in the boundaries of this relationship, so to speak, are just what you need and tried to establish (even if perhaps imperfectly done). Thoughts?

Maudcat

Hey, Centered. Sounds to me like you are attempting to set a good boundary. It just wasn't the best time. You were rushed and maybe a little resentful that this person is so me-focused? I have had people in my life who were not interested in a dialogue. They just wanted to vent and complain and I was the handiest warm body. It never feels good to be that. I have learned, after way too long, to avoid those people when I can. They are not good for my serenity. Peace.

Centered3

Hi August! I am so sorry about that. I've been extremely lethargic lately and I just want to save my PMs until I really can focus on them and give them the attention that they deserve. I

Thank you. This is what I thought, but I wasn't sure. In the way I was taught in AA, you don't call someone to dump all your problems on. You discuss things with your sponsor who is the one who knows you and your situation best, or is the one who heard your 5th step.

This has happened before from someone else who used to call me all the time from my former home group to ask me my opinion about what she should do, about things related to her job that I had absolutely no experience in, or things related to her elderly parents that I had no experience in. My opinion or thoughts would have useless. It was frustrating because even when I said this, she said, "I know, but I like to talk these things through with people." To me, that is what a sponsor, temporary sponsor, or therapist is for, no? Please correct me if I am wrong.

Centered3

Hi Maudcat,
Thanks for the reply. Since doing my step work, setting boundaries has come much more automatic, but I have more work to do with it.
I also have learned to avoid these types of people, too.

After reading your post I realized that even if it's someone in AA, I still have a right to set a healthy boundary.

I love what you wrote here: "they are not good for my serenity." My sponsor told me that "step 12 is the most difficult step." We're to help others, but not at the expense of our own peace.

Tommyh

you did fine centered.I have a guy almost like that.Sometimes when I have time,we talk,if I am busy,I don`t take the call.He was in AA and now isn`t,but he isn`t drinking.
yet!

hellrzr

Sounds to me like you handled it well. I almost wonder if the person had discussed things with their sponsor and perhaps the sponsor gave them advice they didn't like so they were talking to you trying to validate their decision to not follow their sponsor's advice? You are completely correct that they should not have been jumping ahead in the steps and certainly should have only been working through this with their sponsor and maybe grand sponsor.

Also, remember that we are sensitive people so you may be reading too much into the situation or maybe you did hurt their feelings. If that's the case that is their issue and not yours. Good job listening to them and offering advice by the way.

sugarbear1

I give my sponsees 5 minutes to whine. Whining (we like to call it venting) only feeds the ego.

stevieg46

Hi Centered .

I do not mind being ''used ''if I want to be used , but I draw the line when I realize that they know they are using me . To me she is totally selfish its all about ''her '' . Tell her she has two minutes to moan and if she hasn't got anything worthwhile to say you are putting the phone down . If she complains ? then that's too bad , you are not a dumping ground or her sponsor .
Regards Stevie recovered 12 03 2006

tomsteve

the only way someone hurts my feelings is if i allow it.

i owed myself amends for enabling a good friend to practice his narcissistic ways- never shut up and 90% about himself.
do i owe him amends? nope.

Centered3

Thanks, Tommy!!
Thanks for your sharing your experience, too. I hope your friend finds his way back before it's too late.

Centered3

Thanks, hellrzr. I had the same thought, because I used to do the same thing years ago. She might have been fishing for someone to agree with her. But I know her sponsor, and her sponsor in my opinion is very soft-spoken, so I'm not sure.

Thank you for saying that I was correct. I wanted to make sure. Perhaps I was a bit firm on the phone, but I just didn't have patience for her again. I hope she listened to what I said, versus how I said it. I'm also wondering if my firmness took her by surprise, versus calling me as a "friend". I am typing as I'm thinking, I hope that's not annoying. But now I am confident with how I handled it. Why? Because I told her the truth.

Thank you. Yes we alcoholics are sensitive folk, but if my sponsor treated me with kid gloves all the time I would've gotten nowhere.

Thanks, everyone! This is helping me a lot.

Tommyh

my sponsor won`t listen to one minute of my venting or whining.He tells me to pray about it and call him later.Funny thing is,when i pray about it,i don`t need to burn up his ear.

Centered3

I had a friend who had a sponsor who did this, too. I love this idea so much. Love the reminder that whining, venting, drama, etc only feeds the ego. I've got to write that down somewhere!!

Centered3

Thanks, Stevie!! That is such a good point about the distinction. I do feel she was using me, since we didn't really have a relationship. I wasn't her sponsor, and it wasn't like she was asking me recovery type questions. She wanted me to validate what she was doing was okay, and she wanted me to give her advice that she should get from her sponsor or from Al-anon (maybe she was too lazy to go).

One of the many blessings from this program that I have received is the self-esteem and message that as a child of God, we do not crawl before anyone. Boundary setting has become second nature for me now.

Centered3

Very good point. Thank you. It's not my business if she allows her feelings to be hurt because she was being selfish and self-centered.

Love this!! There's not enough talk about amends we owe ourselves. God's will is not for us to be a sounding board.

And when you put it the way you did about your friend, I see clearly now that I do not owe her an amends in the least!

Gottalife

I thought it is what friends are for too? I don't have a therapist or sponsor, but I still need to talk to someone sometimes.

This is an opportunity to be of service, to help guide someone to where their true inspiration should come from, to help them with their reasoning. People put up with my self centered waffling for years. Self centered is what we are and some get better quicker than others.

The book tells us that working with others will be disruptive and inconvenient at times, and a kindly act once in a while isn't enough.

Having said all that, you are considerate and thoughtful as always C3. I don't see anything wrong with your actions. It is just one of those trivial interactions that didn't seem to go too well. It happens, it's part of life and it means nothing. In three months time it will be all forgotten. But you might ask yourself why does God seem to be dropping this one in your lap. Perhaps you can be uniquely useful?

Centered3

Thanks Tommy. You bring up another great point. I haven't been in AA as long as many of you have been, but I do notice that those who do not take things to God in prayer and meditation are often the ones who vent/whine, etc., the most.

And those who refuse to pray/meditate are often the ones who get frustrated when it's suggested to do so.

I was once told that a sponsor's role is to guide us to God via guiding us through the 12 steps. And that's supposed to be it.

Centered3

A friend, yes. A friend is there to lend an ear. But friendships go both ways. If she viewed this as a friendship, then she was all take and no give, and that to me is not a friendship.

I do understand what you are saying. I used to be that way, too. But if people stood for it and let me slowly figure it out, I'd still be suffering from alcoholism and slowly dying.

Yes, thank you for pointing that out, Mike. I guess I feel differently in this case because she's not one of my sponsees. I don't mind being inconvenienced by them, etc. (within reason). I expect it.

Thanks Mike. :-) I need to work a little better at getting rid of the guilt that sometimes comes with setting boundaries, or the second-guessing myself when I do.

That's a good suggestion. I could've been useful if I shared my experience. I will ask her if she wants me to, if I see her again.

dox

The first time I started whining to my sponsor, he told me that I could always go out and have a drink.
He was serious!
I was taken aback -- shocked actually.
That may sound harsh for him to say, but he nipped it in the bud: my wallowing in self-pity.

I think that was during our first meeting at his home.
Talk about settin' boundaries!

He knew what he was saying . . .

it's in the book.

And I haven't, yet, taken up his 'suggestion' that I could have a drink.