Was I in the wrong?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manchester, UK
Posts: 1,111
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
the only way someone hurts my feelings is if i allow it.
i owed myself amends for enabling a good friend to practice his narcissistic ways- never shut up and 90% about himself.
do i owe him amends? nope.
i owed myself amends for enabling a good friend to practice his narcissistic ways- never shut up and 90% about himself.
do i owe him amends? nope.
My primary purpose is to stay sober and help others.
I am not solely responsible for the troubles and burdens of everybody else.
Learning good boundaries is a difficult process. Resentment has always been my clue that I am getting it wrong
P
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
I have had a couple of blokes that wanted to use me as a dumping ground.
To a certain extent, I will let them.
Sometimes, some people, including myself, need to complain.
After being freed from the bondage of self, I can now be a good listener.
I try and steer the conversation to what worked for me:
carry on working the 12 steps with a sponsor.
One took my suggestion: thankfully, recovered, for now.
The other has proven, thus far, to be a waste of time.
But, I still listen, occasionally.
Maybe one day?
To a certain extent, I will let them.
Sometimes, some people, including myself, need to complain.
After being freed from the bondage of self, I can now be a good listener.
I try and steer the conversation to what worked for me:
carry on working the 12 steps with a sponsor.
One took my suggestion: thankfully, recovered, for now.
The other has proven, thus far, to be a waste of time.
But, I still listen, occasionally.
Maybe one day?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Tommyh
my sponsor won`t listen to one minute of my venting or whining.He tells me to pray about it and call him later.Funny thing is,when i pray about it,i don`t need to burn up his ear.
went over my sponsor once venting and whining. about 5 or so minutes in he interrupts me and says,"wheres my part in this?"
"im just venting."
"not here youre not. I don't allow that. but your HP might listen."
so I left and pouted until I "got it."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by Centered3
... In the way I was taught in AA, you don't call someone to dump all your problems on. You discuss things with your sponsor who is the one who knows you and your situation best, or is the one who heard your 5th step.
...she said, "...I like to talk these things through with people." To me, that is what a sponsor, temporary sponsor, or therapist is for, no? Please correct me if I am wrong.
...she said, "...I like to talk these things through with people." To me, that is what a sponsor, temporary sponsor, or therapist is for, no? Please correct me if I am wrong.
But then, times have changed...........a bit perhaps. My job as a sponsor is to explain the AA program and help the sponsee work the steps. I am NOT a counselor or a therapist, and I don't take on these roles.
(o:
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by paulokes
Learning good boundaries is a difficult process. Resentment has always been my clue that I am getting it wrong
P
it was a bugger as ive known him for 30+ years, but i had to do what was right for me.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
Originally Posted by dox
The first time I started whining to my sponsor, he told me that I could always go out and have a drink.
He was serious!
I was taken aback -- shocked actually.
That may sound harsh for him to say, but he nipped it in the bud: my wallowing in self-pity.
He was serious!
I was taken aback -- shocked actually.
That may sound harsh for him to say, but he nipped it in the bud: my wallowing in self-pity.
I think that was during our first meeting at his home.
Talk about settin' boundaries!
He knew what he was saying . . .
it's in the book.
And I haven't, yet, taken up his 'suggestion' that I could have a drink.
Talk about settin' boundaries!
He knew what he was saying . . .
it's in the book.
And I haven't, yet, taken up his 'suggestion' that I could have a drink.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,627
[QUOTE=Centered3;6210790]A friend, yes. A friend is there to lend an ear. But friendships go both ways. If she viewed this as a friendship, then she was all take and no give, and that to me is not a friendship.
Yes, thank you for pointing that out, Mike. I guess I feel differently in this case because she's not one of my sponsees. I don't mind being inconvenienced by them, etc. (within reason). I expect it. /QUOTE]
Friendship in aa is a different thing to friendship with normies. Think about the Toronto declaration, the hand of aa. We hold out the hand of friendship and it is unconditional. We give out our phone numbers hoping that will give us an opportunity to be of service. We don't tell people to only ring if they wish to discuss specific things.
Pretty much every one goes to aa to take. They don't yet know the solution is in giving, not receiving. And people have their character defects. Your caller has a few. Is it your job to remove them, or send her away until they have been fixed?
I am not too keen on talk of demarcation in aa. Wouldn't that lead to cliques? Certainly sponsorship is a special relationship, but we don't need to be a sponsor to successfully work with others. If someone wants to talk to me, I will listen. They may drive me nuts for a while, but it is part of what I signed up for. I can't be thinking that I have sponsees and friends in aa who I am happy to call friends, and another bunch who I want nothing to do with. Anonymity is all about equality and principles before personalities. I also have to think about the example I am setting for my sponsees.
Maybe this person sees something in you that she wants. She doesn't sound too well, true, but she is unable to see that or fix herself. A punch on the nose wouldn't fix her either. She sounds like she needs help with her reasoning and thinking. That is how my sponsor was able to help me. He lent me his reasoning power by way of asking me the questions I should have been asking myself.
Boundaries are not something I set arbitrarily. It seems to happen naturally. When something is out of order I step away, but I don't seem to have much trouble with people trying it on. I try to be flexible. Even if someone is wasting my time, I can still learn something.
Yes, thank you for pointing that out, Mike. I guess I feel differently in this case because she's not one of my sponsees. I don't mind being inconvenienced by them, etc. (within reason). I expect it. /QUOTE]
Friendship in aa is a different thing to friendship with normies. Think about the Toronto declaration, the hand of aa. We hold out the hand of friendship and it is unconditional. We give out our phone numbers hoping that will give us an opportunity to be of service. We don't tell people to only ring if they wish to discuss specific things.
Pretty much every one goes to aa to take. They don't yet know the solution is in giving, not receiving. And people have their character defects. Your caller has a few. Is it your job to remove them, or send her away until they have been fixed?
I am not too keen on talk of demarcation in aa. Wouldn't that lead to cliques? Certainly sponsorship is a special relationship, but we don't need to be a sponsor to successfully work with others. If someone wants to talk to me, I will listen. They may drive me nuts for a while, but it is part of what I signed up for. I can't be thinking that I have sponsees and friends in aa who I am happy to call friends, and another bunch who I want nothing to do with. Anonymity is all about equality and principles before personalities. I also have to think about the example I am setting for my sponsees.
Maybe this person sees something in you that she wants. She doesn't sound too well, true, but she is unable to see that or fix herself. A punch on the nose wouldn't fix her either. She sounds like she needs help with her reasoning and thinking. That is how my sponsor was able to help me. He lent me his reasoning power by way of asking me the questions I should have been asking myself.
Boundaries are not something I set arbitrarily. It seems to happen naturally. When something is out of order I step away, but I don't seem to have much trouble with people trying it on. I try to be flexible. Even if someone is wasting my time, I can still learn something.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 89
You could always call her up and say basically what you have said to us, that you were trying to set a healthy boundary for yourself and that you didn't mean to be extra harsh on her but your were busy.
Also you could say what you told us, that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings but that when she talks on and on it can be hard to hear for you and that you needed to set a boundary on that. I know that in the beginning of recovery (or for a long time !) we can just bleed crap from our mouths and it takes time to realize that 1) we need to take care of ourselves and 2) we should respect other people's lives and time because otherwise no one will talk to us. These are life lessons we all need to learn, and I remember learning these things - very painful experiences.
Also you could say what you told us, that you didn't mean to hurt her feelings but that when she talks on and on it can be hard to hear for you and that you needed to set a boundary on that. I know that in the beginning of recovery (or for a long time !) we can just bleed crap from our mouths and it takes time to realize that 1) we need to take care of ourselves and 2) we should respect other people's lives and time because otherwise no one will talk to us. These are life lessons we all need to learn, and I remember learning these things - very painful experiences.
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