AA expectations
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
AA expectations
Well, after many attempts to connect with AA I've given up. Nothing against AA, but it seems I can never meet the standards they require to be accepted. Done this, done that, but doesn't seem to be enough. Sure, the only requirement to be in AA is a desire to quit drinking, but to be really accepted requires more. AA members don't want to talk about this, but it exists. Sad really, cause I sometimes wonder how many people like me could of been an asset to the organization but never got the chance. I, like I'm sure many others, would of loved getting involved in the daily routines of the meetings, setting up chairs, making coffee, etc. But regulars seem to pretty much take care of these things. Makes things pretty consistent, so I can understand that, but it doesn't make much room for new people. I've offered to help with this or that, but either end up being ignored because they don't know me or say they already have someone to do that. Maybe having a sign up sheet would help, but that would mean taking a risk on people following through on their commitments. Don't know the answer, but I'm pretty bummed that things didn't turn out for me. I think I'm a pretty nice guy and would help anybody. I would think I would of been a good addition to the AA community. Who know how many lives I might of made a difference. Pretty big loss for me. John
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Western NY
Posts: 125
I'm sorry you felt shut down in your attempts to help out with meeting prep, etc., but please don't let it sour you on AA overall. Each meeting I tried out had a different vibe, and I settled in on a couple that were more of a fit for me. It still took time to fit in, but it came around as I spoke up more and began to interact with people afterward. I am only 3 months in, but AA (together with SR) has given me an anchor I never had in all my previous attempts to get sober. The face to face interaction with other alcoholics was always missing from my recovery plan, as were the 12 steps. It is amazing how much more grounded I am in recovery as I focus on working the steps, and how it has changed my way of thinking about sobriety. And when I feel off kilter, I know a meeting will restore some balance.
Hope you will give AA another chance.
Hope you will give AA another chance.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,627
John, I must confess I am a bit baffled. I know in my local AA there are some people (very few) who hog some service positions not realising that they are meant to be shared around, that the opportunity to experience the rewards of service is the right of every newcomer, in fact an essential part of true involvement in AA.
Personally I have spells in service, always stick to the specified term of service, and then step back to let someone else have a go.
But generally in the area I am in, we struggle to get anyone to xommit to service. The 80-20 rule seems to apply. 20% of the people do 80% of the work. Groupd struggle to find new secretaries and treasurers, no one wants to step up. Often, after going over term by a few months the out going secretary will simply leave the keys on the table and walk away.
Few of our groups have greeters, nearly all call for volunteers to help clean up, and usually the secretary does the set up on their own. There are a tone of opportunties for service. One can turn up early and help set up, clean up after, be a greeter (something I do when I am new to a group. I get to meet everyone as they come through the door and I get to be the first to meet a newcomer).
If I am staying somewhere I piut my name forward for the 12 step list, and I look for a detox meeting and get involved in that. A detox meeting has a special purpose - carrying the message.
In our area they are always short of intergroup reps, less that 1/4 of the groups are represented regularly. There is plenty to do.
Yet where you are seems to be the complete opposite. I am baffled.
Personally I have spells in service, always stick to the specified term of service, and then step back to let someone else have a go.
But generally in the area I am in, we struggle to get anyone to xommit to service. The 80-20 rule seems to apply. 20% of the people do 80% of the work. Groupd struggle to find new secretaries and treasurers, no one wants to step up. Often, after going over term by a few months the out going secretary will simply leave the keys on the table and walk away.
Few of our groups have greeters, nearly all call for volunteers to help clean up, and usually the secretary does the set up on their own. There are a tone of opportunties for service. One can turn up early and help set up, clean up after, be a greeter (something I do when I am new to a group. I get to meet everyone as they come through the door and I get to be the first to meet a newcomer).
If I am staying somewhere I piut my name forward for the 12 step list, and I look for a detox meeting and get involved in that. A detox meeting has a special purpose - carrying the message.
In our area they are always short of intergroup reps, less that 1/4 of the groups are represented regularly. There is plenty to do.
Yet where you are seems to be the complete opposite. I am baffled.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
2muchpain,
I used to feel exactly like you until this most recent attempt at getting sober. The gift of desperation demanded that I get involved in any way possible and I didn't wait around for an invite to do so. I showed up early and helped set up. If things were already set up I stood outside the door and said hello to people as they came in. I always helped clean up after the meeting and tried to be one of the last to leave. Once I was eligible (depending on the meeting) I signed up to chair at least one meeting a month at my regular meetings, more if spots were still empty as the date approached.
I was always the kind of person that waited to be approached to interact with people and then was butthurt when no one complied. Again, desperation forced me to completely change my way of thinking on how I approached AA. I needed help, I needed it now, and it forced me to completely discard my ego in the process.
I used to feel exactly like you until this most recent attempt at getting sober. The gift of desperation demanded that I get involved in any way possible and I didn't wait around for an invite to do so. I showed up early and helped set up. If things were already set up I stood outside the door and said hello to people as they came in. I always helped clean up after the meeting and tried to be one of the last to leave. Once I was eligible (depending on the meeting) I signed up to chair at least one meeting a month at my regular meetings, more if spots were still empty as the date approached.
I was always the kind of person that waited to be approached to interact with people and then was butthurt when no one complied. Again, desperation forced me to completely change my way of thinking on how I approached AA. I needed help, I needed it now, and it forced me to completely discard my ego in the process.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,541
In another past thread you said
Perhaps it's time to think outside the box. If you have expectations for how others should (or will) act, then your disappointment has more to do with you than with them. If your intentions are to be helpful, you will find a way.
Sounds like you'll be stronger when you finally master this slightly different workout.
Originally Posted by 2muchpain 
The meetings are my workout on building on my sobriety and spirituality.
Sounds like you'll be stronger when you finally master this slightly different workout.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,248
at my group, the monthly business meeting is where the service positions are volunteered for and the time frames discussed.
we also add new positions when people suggest them and it seems useful.
possibly that is an avenue you haven't tried?
it never occured to me at the beginning that i could ask what one needs to go to a business meeting. and then i asked. i needed to be a member. which takes a desire to stop drinking. and saying i'd like to a member. that was it.
after that, i lugged the literature bag around foreeeeever, since we don't get storage space at the facility. then i chaired. then literature again. since no-one wants it
we also add new positions when people suggest them and it seems useful.
possibly that is an avenue you haven't tried?
it never occured to me at the beginning that i could ask what one needs to go to a business meeting. and then i asked. i needed to be a member. which takes a desire to stop drinking. and saying i'd like to a member. that was it.
after that, i lugged the literature bag around foreeeeever, since we don't get storage space at the facility. then i chaired. then literature again. since no-one wants it
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
I am also very confused by this post. I have NEVER attended a meeting where anyone was not welcome to come early and help with set up or stay late and help with clean up. Actually, as part of the secretary commits they ask people to stay to help clean up or to come early and help out.
Do you have a sponsor? Maybe first thing is to get a sponsor, or temporary sponsor if you prefer, and just concentrate on attending meetings and working on the steps. Service work will come in time but first thing is to worry about getting better and going from there.
Do you have a sponsor? Maybe first thing is to get a sponsor, or temporary sponsor if you prefer, and just concentrate on attending meetings and working on the steps. Service work will come in time but first thing is to worry about getting better and going from there.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Aren't we missing something here: the real reasons to go to meetings? The messages, the learning, sharing ESH.....learning to have what others have who have gotten sober and live recovered lives? Then we can
'"worry" about things like coffee cups and making friends; those things usually begin to come more easily as you get to be simply "known" as someone in the group.
'"worry" about things like coffee cups and making friends; those things usually begin to come more easily as you get to be simply "known" as someone in the group.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
Originally Posted by 2muchpain
Nothing against AA, but...
The solution to the drink problem is the steps. I tell folks to get a sponsor ASAP. Even if it is a temporary one. Get one TODAY. Start working the steps.
Connecting with a higher power will lead to a connection with AA. Trying to force human relationships first is putting the cart before the horse. :-)
Glad your are here.
mfanch
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I think a bit of compassion for the old-timers is needed.
They see people come in and out. Many come a couple times and disappear. Some come for a short time, and go out. If they allowed themselves to open their hearts to everyone who walks through the doors, it would destroy them--this is a powerful disease that takes many down!
In my experience, you do have to stick around before they open up to you. It may not be fair. It may not be what is best for you. But it is understandable. People go out. People kill themselves. People just disappear. It can be too much to see that year in, year out.
I think the expectation that we can walk into the meeting and everyone will love us and the problem of addiction is solved is not realistic. Sometimes you just have to stick around and prove yourself.
They see people come in and out. Many come a couple times and disappear. Some come for a short time, and go out. If they allowed themselves to open their hearts to everyone who walks through the doors, it would destroy them--this is a powerful disease that takes many down!
In my experience, you do have to stick around before they open up to you. It may not be fair. It may not be what is best for you. But it is understandable. People go out. People kill themselves. People just disappear. It can be too much to see that year in, year out.
I think the expectation that we can walk into the meeting and everyone will love us and the problem of addiction is solved is not realistic. Sometimes you just have to stick around and prove yourself.
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,909
John,I wish you was in my part of the country,we always need help.We can`t get 98% of AA`s to do a darn thing but show up at eating meetings and hog out.
You don`t need their permission to set up chairs or put them up after a meeting.Take the bull by the horns and jump in there and get busy,it is your meeting too
You don`t need their permission to set up chairs or put them up after a meeting.Take the bull by the horns and jump in there and get busy,it is your meeting too
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by miamifella
I think a bit of compassion for the old-timers is needed.
They see people come in and out. Many come a couple times and disappear. Some come for a short time, and go out. If they allowed themselves to open their hearts to everyone who walks through the doors, it would destroy them--this is a powerful disease that takes many down!
In my experience, you do have to stick around before they open up to you. It may not be fair. It may not be what is best for you. But it is understandable. People go out. People kill themselves. People just disappear. It can be too much to see that year in, year out.
I think the expectation that we can walk into the meeting and everyone will love us and the problem of addiction is solved is not realistic. Sometimes you just have to stick around and prove yourself.
They see people come in and out. Many come a couple times and disappear. Some come for a short time, and go out. If they allowed themselves to open their hearts to everyone who walks through the doors, it would destroy them--this is a powerful disease that takes many down!
In my experience, you do have to stick around before they open up to you. It may not be fair. It may not be what is best for you. But it is understandable. People go out. People kill themselves. People just disappear. It can be too much to see that year in, year out.
I think the expectation that we can walk into the meeting and everyone will love us and the problem of addiction is solved is not realistic. Sometimes you just have to stick around and prove yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
I gotta give a yup, yup, yup to Tommyh.................
At the place where I got sober there were lots of opportunities for voluntary service work. Then we got all hoity-toity, formed an LLC, and bought a property, and hired a person to work our coffee bar (no more free coffee, but lots of other goodies, for a price), and hired a building manager/janitor to open and close the place, clean up, etc., etc., etc.
...but like Tommyh says, nobody can stop you from straightening up the chairs after a meeting, or throwing out some trash. Like the old saying goes................better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission.............
(o:
At the place where I got sober there were lots of opportunities for voluntary service work. Then we got all hoity-toity, formed an LLC, and bought a property, and hired a person to work our coffee bar (no more free coffee, but lots of other goodies, for a price), and hired a building manager/janitor to open and close the place, clean up, etc., etc., etc.
...but like Tommyh says, nobody can stop you from straightening up the chairs after a meeting, or throwing out some trash. Like the old saying goes................better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission.............
(o:
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Originally Posted by 2muchpain
Been going to the same meeting for several years so I'm a familiar face at the meetings. A guy the other day at the gym complained about how cold and rude people are here. Maybe there's something to that. Maybe it's not so much the meetings but has more to do with where I live. I will still continue to go to speaker meetings though. I get a lot out of them. John
My sponsor would remind me that I was not there to make friends. I generally found it best to listen closely, but keep expectations modest. I found it best for my own peace of mind not to reveal too much personal information and get out of the room as soon after the meeting as possible.
After listening I realized that in many (if not most) of the groups I attended, people were friendly to each other because they had drank or drugged together. It is great that they are helping each other, but I realized I could never make the same kind of bond with them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i dont go to meetings to be accepted. i go to carry the message-THAT is supposed to be our primary purpose.
and i show early and dont wait to be askedmto help.
and stay after and help clean up without being asked.
and i show early and dont wait to be askedmto help.
and stay after and help clean up without being asked.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,315
For me having a temporary sponsor
in rehab to becoming my permanent
sponsor, she took me under her wing
so to speak .
In doing so, she paved the way for
me to followed in her footsteps. To
be introduced to other members
so I would begin to feel a part of
something bigger than I. The fellowship
within recovery.
It was in her actions that spoke volumes
to me in how she lived and worked in
recovery and life. She taught me the
importance of service work which would
allow me to get out of my own self seeking
thoughts and ways or feeling sorry for
myself and reach out to help others.
She is an awesome baker and thru her
I learned to bake and bring many many
delicious items to eat and enjoy with
their coffee to many many meetings
which allowed to to listen, learn, absorb
and apply helpful suggestions and ways
to remain sober for 26 yrs now.
Yes, at 30 yrs old, an at home mom,
married, 2 yrs college, I was scared,
a meek little one feeling so shy sitting
amongst the elders, those who had
learned many important lessons in
recovery.
I sat quietly amongst others not saying
a word for a long long time until I began
to bake and bring my goodies to my
meetings. In doing so, it allowed me
to face those compliments from strangers,
to allow others to slowly get to know me.
Then ever so often I would have the
courage to ask to read How It works,
or the Serenity Prayer, even chair a
meeting or 2 further down the road.
See, alcohol was my liquid courage
till it took me down. Turned its back
on me. Stopped working for me.
When I entered recovery, I had to learn
to face the world without my safety net.
I had to learn from scratch how to be
willing, openminded and honest to
continue living life using a program
of recovery as my foundation to build
and live my life upon for each day I remained
sober.
Folks in those meetings didn't know
me at first, but over the yrs. I learned
how it works in recovery by suiting
up, showing up, listening , learning,
absorbing and then appling to earn
not only respect from others but having
respect for myself. To strip away the cockiness,
stubbornness and false face and become
a loving, caring, responsible person I
am today.
I have been a work in progress all
my life and feel there are still some
lessons I need to learn and will
remain teachable as I continue
on my recovery journey in life
one day at a time till death do
I part.
in rehab to becoming my permanent
sponsor, she took me under her wing
so to speak .
In doing so, she paved the way for
me to followed in her footsteps. To
be introduced to other members
so I would begin to feel a part of
something bigger than I. The fellowship
within recovery.
It was in her actions that spoke volumes
to me in how she lived and worked in
recovery and life. She taught me the
importance of service work which would
allow me to get out of my own self seeking
thoughts and ways or feeling sorry for
myself and reach out to help others.
She is an awesome baker and thru her
I learned to bake and bring many many
delicious items to eat and enjoy with
their coffee to many many meetings
which allowed to to listen, learn, absorb
and apply helpful suggestions and ways
to remain sober for 26 yrs now.
Yes, at 30 yrs old, an at home mom,
married, 2 yrs college, I was scared,
a meek little one feeling so shy sitting
amongst the elders, those who had
learned many important lessons in
recovery.
I sat quietly amongst others not saying
a word for a long long time until I began
to bake and bring my goodies to my
meetings. In doing so, it allowed me
to face those compliments from strangers,
to allow others to slowly get to know me.
Then ever so often I would have the
courage to ask to read How It works,
or the Serenity Prayer, even chair a
meeting or 2 further down the road.
See, alcohol was my liquid courage
till it took me down. Turned its back
on me. Stopped working for me.
When I entered recovery, I had to learn
to face the world without my safety net.
I had to learn from scratch how to be
willing, openminded and honest to
continue living life using a program
of recovery as my foundation to build
and live my life upon for each day I remained
sober.
Folks in those meetings didn't know
me at first, but over the yrs. I learned
how it works in recovery by suiting
up, showing up, listening , learning,
absorbing and then appling to earn
not only respect from others but having
respect for myself. To strip away the cockiness,
stubbornness and false face and become
a loving, caring, responsible person I
am today.
I have been a work in progress all
my life and feel there are still some
lessons I need to learn and will
remain teachable as I continue
on my recovery journey in life
one day at a time till death do
I part.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 812
Busy yourself with step work. That is how you can really be of maximum service to yourself and your fellows. Someday a newcomer will walk through the door and what they will need is someone who understands the solution.
There's no shortage of coffee makers in AA meetings. Can't say the same for those who have had a spiritual awakening.
There's no shortage of coffee makers in AA meetings. Can't say the same for those who have had a spiritual awakening.
paradox
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by mfanch
. . . The solution to the drink problem is the steps. I tell folks to get a sponsor ASAP. Even if it is a temporary one. Get one TODAY. Start working the steps. . .
. . . Glad your are here.
. . . Glad your are here.
I'm glad he did.
If you haven't got a sponsor yet . . .
Get one.
What are you waiting for ?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
