2muchpain

I'm sure my answer to your question about getting a sponsor won't go over very well but here goes. Actually, it's pretty hard to explain. I harbor some deep seeded anger towards AA because of the way I've been treated. Yeah I know. Poor me. Even though I'm the kind of person that would help anybody, I wouldn't even think of going out of my way to help anybody at those meetings, except for a few. With this attitude, getting a sponsor would be a waste of time. I have a lot of respect for all the people at the meetings, but the last thing I want to do is to actually get involved with them. Been burned too many times. Besides, I've had three sponsors in the past. One relapsed, the other came into some money and disappeared and the third never followed through on what he said he would do. John

SoberCAH

You may be helping newcomers, 2much, and not even know it.

I go to meetings because I don't trust my ability to stay sober without doing so, even after a few 24 hours, so to speak.

But when I go, I (almost) always try to do what I can to serve as an example and friend to newcomers, because they need to see what the AA program can do with other drunks.

Sometimes I feel like I am an integral part of the community and sometimes I don't give it any thought.

But I certainly try to be there for the newcomers, because I remember when people were there for me.

If you quit going to meetings, you will not be there to help newcomers who can benefit from your ESH.

Just my thoughts, but I sure hope you find new meetings or stick around where you have been going.

dox

I'd hate to see you throw in the towel without someone in your corner.
I think that the 12 steps would really help you.
They helped me with so much more than staying sober.
Maybe a different meeting?

Oh well, at least you've still got those speaker meetings.
Hey, don't most of those speakers say that the 12 steps helped them?

CAPTAINZING2000

“My serenity is inversely proportional
to my expectations.
The higher my expectations of other people are,
the lower is my serenity.
I can watch my serenity level rise
when I discard my expectations.
But then my ‘rights’ try to move in,
and they, too, can force my serenity level down.
I have to discard my ‘rights,’
as well as my expectations, by asking myself,
‘How important is it, really?
How important is it compared to my serenity,
my emotional sobriety?’
And when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety
than on anything else,
I can maintain them at a higher level–
at least for the time being.”
Alcoholics Anonymous, 3rd Edition p. 452


I had to look that up, I'd forgotten what page it was located.

2muchpain

dox, your right. The speakers at the meetings do talk about the 12 steps and how they helped them, but they also talk about the other changes they made in their lives to help them to stay sober. I really don't have anything against the BB or the 12 steps. Both are great resources to having a better and sober life.
As far as expectations go, my expectations of the people in AA are no different than expectations I would have in any other group situation I'm involved in, such as being a member of a church or some other organization. It doesn't make sense to me to expect less of members of AA than any other organization. I doubt I or anybody else would stay with any organization if they feel like an outcast. It's just human nature. John

Soberpotamus

I have suggested this to you before, John. Consider leaving and finding a friendlier group of people to interact with, maybe Meetup groups? Do you have a hobby? Are you interested in starting one? Maybe now is that time to do it.

-or-

Stay in that AA group and use it solely for staying sober. And go find a social group to make friends.

LadyBlue0527

I wish there was a greater button that I could push than "Thanks" for this post. This is one of my most valued lessons thus far.

2muchpain, please don't give up. I've had the same experience that you have at some meetings. Then, I realized that it had a lot to do with what Captain posted. All that you can do is exactly what you're doing.

2muchpain

I did check a while back on meetups.com. Most of them ended up with drinking at some point during or after the activity, but I haven't looked into it lately. Maybe there are some new ones. Thanks for the reminder. I forgot about this. John

Soberpotamus

Oh, yes, now I remember. You mentioned the drinking before.

Well, maybe you'll find one that doesn't encourage drinking.

tomsteve

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August252015

Maybe I missed an explanation for this, John, but why do you go to AA if you don't want to work the steps (or, did go but didn't work them)? (Not a judgment, rather simple curiosity as the two don't make sense to me)

2muchpain

Actually, I did work the steps a long time ago. Also read the BB. I attended the meetings to get some ESH from the people that share. John

Ken33xx

I've been in the States for the past six weeks and my wife joined me towards the end. She asked that I take her to a local church two Sundays ago. Fine. Not too bad. The pastors speech was short and sweet and inside the church was more like a movie theater. No pews and the seats were quite comfortable. When the service ended we walked back to the car and left. No attempts to chat with other parishioners. We went for the service and not the social aspect. I'll continue to go as long as the sermon/service is kept relatively short. With regards to the social aspect I'm not there for that although I'm sure this could change if my wife were to ever start playing with the church musicians.

Now with AA I go to meetings to remind myself I can't drink. If others get something out of what I share great if not that's fine too. The social aspect all depends on that particular fellowship. The meetings I went to this past summer had chairs/table setup out in back where members chatted before and after meetings . There was also coffee (and usually cookies!) you could take outside as well.

I really like this AA location given it is 5 minutes away from where I stay and slowly eased into this fellowship. Members were curious about me and I made it a point to be careful when sharing. Not BB thumpers but a bit more conservative side I found in Northern/Southern Cal.

All I can say is if I don't like a particular meeting do I don't go back. (I attended a few other meetings but didn't care for the format at one or the vibe at another.)

Maybe I've been fortunate that I've always been able to find a few meetings I like.

Ken33xx

I'm sure you've been burned. Most of those who have been in AA for any length of time understand the need to be careful. Not everyone is heathy and not everyone is to be trusted. I make it a point not to lend money to other members or let them stay at my residence. I'll buy someone a cup of coffee/donut but I'm not giving out any dough.


That might well be true so why go back? Is it because of the location and time?

Ken33xx

Yeah, when in doubt help put away the books and/or chairs after a meeting. It gives you a potential opening to chat with another member. In my experience AA members who have retired from the work force are usually friendly. They often come to meetings for the social aspect and are happy to chat.

But the dynamics of a fellowship no doubt vary. Some are clique-orientated and others not so much. The thing is not to take any of this personal. People both in and out of AA are often self-absorbed. They aren't necessarily thinking about you as they got their own concerns.

In any case helping to pick up the books or put away the chairs is a good opportunity to break with ice with those you don't know.

2muchpain

Yeah, I learned the hard way not to lone any money. Only once did I get paid back.
The location and time of the meeting I've been going fits well with where I work and do other things. There was one I went to off and on that's connected to a half way house. Might try that one again, but sometimes I'd go there and there was no meeting. There was another one that meets at a church that only met on Saturdays that had a good vibe although I only went to it once. Once a week is better than nothing. Maybe I just got used to the meeting I've been going to. Maybe it's time to try some other meetings. Nothing to lose. John

oldsoul112249

When it comes to helping others like sponsoring in AA don't do it trusting blindly, if you've been around for awhile use spiritual discernment. If you have a bad feeling..don't. As Bill Sees It has a good message on pg. 144 I believe. Make it your choice and not motivated by guilt or shoulds. Many meetings have a pamphlet about sponsorship and what's expected that helps if you choose to sponsor.