Windancer

I am so upset I can barely type. I have been going to AA for about a month as often as I can. I got a sponsor....someone who I felt I could connect with. Early on I did feel that maybe she was too busy to be a good match for me, but she seemed to be there for me and so I was honest with her. I have not been sober the whole month, although I have been a lot better than I was. I made a commitment to myself to keep going to AA...even if I fall down. I'll get back up. And of course along with drinking is the drama. However, I have been trying very hard and listening to her as best I can. Two days ago she said she recommended a meeting for me every night. I live in the country and have no license. Last night I was able to make it to a meeting on my own, although it wasn't the one she recommended. She wanted me to get ladies phone numbers so I had more support when she couldn't be there. I felt very awkward at the meeting and didn't really talk very long to many people....although I tried. I have social anxiety. This morning I texted her and told her all this....and also said that maybe I would feel more comfortable at the Wednesday meeting as their is more women there and I may have more luck with numbers. She responded with this:

"Good morning A, I read your texts this morning and I really do care about you so much. But I dont think you're ready for this program. And when we need help we ask anyone for help. You're an awesome person and I think you need more than I can offer you as a sponsor. Perhaps after you go to rehab and get some professional help, you will be ready and able for AA. I feel you're not as committed as much as I am in you. I wish you all the best life has to offer sweety, but I am being honest with you...hugs and blessings."

If she feels I am too much for her as a sponsee, I can totally respect that. But to tell me I am not ready or able for the program? I believe the only requirement to go is a desire to stop drinking....which I have. I now feel more frightened and awkward going to AA now. And I AM getting professional help...I see my psychologist every week, and am on a wait list for BOTH an inpatient and outpatient program.

This has really upset me. And I don't quite get it. I thought she would be proud that I found a way to a meeting last night, even if I didn't get any numbers. I do not feel it is her place to tell me whether or not I should be going to AA. Like I said, there has been drama, but I think that if that was why she was going to drop me she would have done it before. I mean, yesterday morning SHE was going to take me to a meeting, then forgot about other plans she had. So she is upset I didn't get more numbers at ONE meeting when I wasn't comfortable with anyone????

Or am I f****** missing something here????
I felt really positive this morning and was actually studying some AA literature when I got this.
How I will walk into an AA meeting in this area again...I dunno. It took a lot of courage me for to try AA in the first place. I feel this has really put me backwards.



I hope this is in the correct forum......

skg

You keep going just the way you've been going, and don't let ANYONE tell you differently. You belong if you say you belong.

When I was starting off I was pissed off at the world. Anything ANYONE said would fuel my anger (I would find out later that was fear). I used that anger to keep me sober for a very long time: "I'm going to show them that I can keep coming back just to **** them off!" And I started finding out who was practicing a program of sobriety and who was just there for the free coffee, if you know what I mean.

If you're looking for friends in AA, then grab a phone list of the group and call them instead of drinking--all of them. Work your sobriety like you worked your addictions and, if you did that 24/7, then get your fanny to MORE meetings, not less.

Not everyone is cut out to be a sponsor--and while AA says that we're to say "no" to no-one, sometimes thatmessage doesn't get through to others--especially ones that aren't practicing a program of attraction rather than promotion--so go easy on yourself. It might not be all about you in this case.

Back to the phone list: Carry it with you into meetings, and when people share, notice if they're on the list. Put a check-mark next to those who seem to have that "it" that you want to be, and listen intently. For those who don't, strike through that name and move on. If you're like me you'll strike through everyone on the list and start over--and you'll learn something about yourself. THEN you'll be able to choose a sponsor. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear, so relax, listen, and stay sober between meetings.

You're okay, and you belong if you say you belong. Don't let poor people-skills of others keep you from getting sober--it's who we are as selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed alcoholics. Some are sicker than others--ask me how I know THAT little nugget...

God loves you--let Him.

Windancer

Thanks, skg.
I just can't believe she said some of the things she did....like she was discouraging me from going! I have not been a saint this past month, but I really have been trying and I have listened to her and taken her advice.

skg

Words are cheap in this business--most of us in AA are professional liars, scoundrels, cheats and sinners. Just sobering up doesn't make a better person--doing The Twelve Steps just may, though.

Watch people. Listen to those whose actions and words match up. Stick with the winners and let this one go. You can address your relationship with her later in your sobriety--just be cordial and stay sober.

If we wait for someone to offend us, we're not going to have to wait long and for the alcoholic, that posture is deadly. Stay sober even if your fanny starts sliding off--

Windancer

Yes, I will do my best to take the higher ground here. I am just super shocked. How can a sponsor go from saying I need a meeting everyday to I am not ready or able to do the program in two days?
Wow. Just wow.

skg

Sponsor's are human, too. Let it go. Everybody serves as an example, so when you're in a position to begin sponsoring someone, remember your experience and turn it into an asset rather than a bitter liability.
Life's short. Get sober, get a fork, and start enjoying it.

PaperDolls

I ditto everything skg said.
Especially the 'sponsor's are human too'.
Let it go.
Just keep moving forward.
Go to meetings.
Don't drink in between.
Keep coming back.

Windancer

I agree. Perhaps this is a lesson in forgiveness and remembering that everyone is not a saint. I am just so hurt right now.

sg1970

It's hard to advise without knowing the whole history but she could have chosen her words better. Feelings aside she mentioned rehab. Are you going to rehab?

Windancer

I am on a wait list for both an inpatient and outpatient program.

Boleo

Here's what I have seen happen hundreds of times;

If a person has enough willingness to make a sincere commitment to recovery (any form of recovery), then nothing another person says or does can stop them.

If a person does not have enough willingness to make a sincere commitment to recovery, then nothing another person says or does can help them.

You, and you alone, hold the key to your recovery. And willingness is the key.

"Practicing Step Three is like the opening of a door which to all appearances is still closed and locked. All we need is a key, and the decision to swing the door open. There is only one key, and it is called willingness...
Once we have placed the key of willingness in the lock and have the door ever so slightly open, we find that we can always open it some more. Though self-will may slam it shut again, as it frequently does, it will always respond the moment we again pick up the key of willingness."
(12&12 page 34-35)

Windancer

I can see that.
I am still going to go to AA, despite what she thinks. And I am going to get some numbers and more support.

Joe Nerv

I've known resentments like this to fuel people's sobriety . When I was in rehab a guy there who'd been around AA for many years told me he'd met many people like me, and I'm not going to make it. Pissed me off for a couple of days, and then became fuel for my sobriety. I'd show him, and 30 sober years later I believe I have.

Had a guy I sponsored a while back who was cut off while sharing at his second meeting. The meeting I met him at. The woman said kind of rudely, "And what does what you're saying have to do with getting sober?". I saw it hit him out of left field so I approached him immediately after the meeting. We hit it off really well, became best friends for a while in fact. Sad to say, I think he still resents that woman, but he's now sober for over 25 years .

I like to believe that people are doing the best they can to help, in whatever ways they can. I honestly believe your sponsor's text was well intentioned, though I completely understand the hurt behind it. People do stupid things all the time. Even people who've been sober a while . If you can't let it go (I know, it isn't really all that simple), then I advise you to use it as fuel. Keep doing what you're doing and walk through the uncomfortability. I promise you if you do that things will get better. At least in my experience.

Fly N Buy

Sponsors don't keep us sober nor make us drink. Don't put them on a pedestal, they are just other drunks.........hopefully more evolved

Boleo hit it -

You, and you alone, hold the key to your recovery. And willingness is the key.

Some interpret this as desire........But for me desire seems a little more lofty. Willingness is the action we take if we are desirous, imo.


I know sponsors who openly tell newbies if they drink / relapse find someone else. The work is difficult enough without trying to get someone to the point of willingness.

Best of luck on your journey! It's yours and yours alone

aasharon90

I was about to trade my own sponsor
in for a more stern sponsor because
I thought I needed a firmer hand in
guiding me instead of one that was
gently guiding me along.

I soon learned that if I had done that
then that would have been a huge
mistake.

My first and only sponsor I had and
still have always suggested something
important for me to learn in recovery,
suggested meetings to go to, Big Book
Studies, Step Meetings, Noon meeting,
night meetings.

Because she had yrs of sobriety before
she became my sponsor, she knew many
members already. She was a very likeable
person in the community, her job and
recovery.

It was thru her actions in life and
recovery that attracted me to her.
I wanted what she had like so many
others who had learned to remain
sober a many one days at a time.

Because I was a stay at home mom and
she was a full time worker with no kids,
I made a many noon meetings on
my own, and met her for coffee or met
at conventions where she got me in to
helping in the hospitality room.

It was her love for baking that I got
inspired and thus use that as my own
service work in recovery. I would bake
many many things and bring them to
many many meetings for folks to enjoy
something to go along with their coffee.

In doing so it allowed me to stay a little
longer after meetings and meet folks
and for them to see me and know me.

Sometimes gentler is better than firmer
which has worked for me to remain sober
for many one days at a time.

Because being a mom and wife, I took
care of my family first then went to my
meetings, listening, learning, absorbing
and applying new lessons in recovery
to use in my everyday life.

Those Step meetings and big book studies
is the perfect way to learn about our addiction
and incorporate those important steps in all
areas of our life.

As long as you have Willingness, openmindedness
and honesty, then by all means continue to maintain
your sobriety, because this is yours and it your
responsibility to protect it and be grateful for
it as no one else will appreciate it more than
you.

A wonderful GIFT of Recovery to receive, share
and give yourself to bring you health, happiness
and joy for yrs down the road.

Windancer

That is pretty much exactly how I am feeling right now. I will continue meetings and my recovery, despite her doubts and comments about not being able or ready.

tomsteve

sponsor admitted she doesnt have anything to offer you. So throw out all the rest of the stuff she shouldn't have said, pray for another one to be put in your path, go to meetings, listen for your next sponsor, pick up the phone before you pick up a drink( just pick up the phone and call anyone in recovery!), and keep on trudging.
Or
You could ask this sponsor to meet face to face and talk about the issue at hand.

I called the man who's now my sponsor sometime ago to ask about being my sponsor.
He said," Tom, I'd like to but I can't."
I said," ok, you have the right to say no just as I have the right to say too dam bad, you're my sponsor."
Been working pretty good,too!

Windancer

I have already decided that she obviously isn't the right sponsor for me. I will likely send her a last text though....a polite one of course, just for some closure.

biminiblue

This is awesome, look how quickly you changed your attitude. In just a couple hours you went from indignant anger to forgiving. You are on your way, Windancer.

Everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be.

aasharon90

When we take time to settle down, cool off,
allow time to pass, then we have time to gather
our thoughts and refer back to many of our
recovery teachings to draw on and use to solve
our problems instead of hastily jumping into
it with resentments, anger, regrets followed
by remorse.

"If" we would have gotten on our phone
and returned a nasty, resentful text
then after we've cooled off a bit realizing
what we did, then we would have had
to turn around to do the right thing and
make an apology for our words or actions.

That was an "if" example, but instead
you did the right thing to begin with
and now the resentments have passed
and you are much stronger, serene
in ur mind, heart and soul to move
forward and grow in recovery.

Good Job..!!!!