sugarbear1

Welcome to AA! If a sponsor gives you a resentment, forge forward in your recovery!!! There is someone available for you as a sponsor, go and find them!!

mfanch

Kinda what's been said already: You have a higher power and it's not her. Get another sponsor and move forward.

Glad you are here!

Riverbird

This is one of the reasons I'm afraid to sponsor...I've a knack for finding the exact wrong words for what I'm trying to say! I can totally see myself upsetting a sponsee the way your sponsor has (obviously not intentionally...). I do almost wonder if maybe your (former) sponsor was trying to push you into that "I'll show you" mode. The way I see it, she's not telling you not to go to AA. She's just saying that you're not going to make much progress until you're ready to do whatever it takes. When you say things like, "I'm going to keep going to AA, even if I fall down," it almost sounds like you're expecting to drink again. It sounds like she's waiting for you to say that you're ready to not drink again no matter what (one day at a time). In my experience the latter is the only way this program can work. You have to decide 100% that you're done. (Yes relapses can still happen, but it's hard to do the steps if you're not totally committed/desperate/willing).

She sounds like my first sponsor. I made it 6 months with her before it got to be too much. But I came in sooooooo beyond desperate that I was grateful to have someone giving me so many specifics of exactly what to do when. And she wasn't satisfied until I had done exactly what she'd asked, not part of it. Eventually it got to be too much, because the rest of my life got in the way of being able to fulfill what she expected, and she dropped me saying I wasn't committed. It was devastating even at that point, but I moved on and found the perfect sponsor for me who I have been with almost 3 years now. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. The right person will be there for you when you're ready for the message. In the meantime, you and only you decide if you belong in an AA meeting. You are there for yourself, and not for anyone else, so do what you need to do for you.

And, in the future, in generally works best not to text sponsors. I've learned that the hard way...but things generally get misinterpreted because you're not hearing the tone behind it. I only text mine if it's a quick note about a meeting time or something...otherwise it's always a phone call, even if it's just leaving a message since she's at work. She's "heard" things waaaay differently than I've meant them otherwise!

Windancer

She is a very busy lady. That was one of the reasons why I thought maybe it wouldn't work out....she helps so many people and does nothing else and was spread really thin. Every single time I called her I got her voicemail. Sure, she would call back later usually....but she preferred to do most contact by text.

Gottalife

It seems to me you are at crossed purposes with your ex sponsor. For one reson or another she does not believe she can effectively help you with the program of AA, and it is the program that brings sobriety. She may be wrong in your case, sponsors can be wrong you know, but the suggestion in the big book is not to waste time on someone who is not ready, because you may deprive others who are ready, of much needed help. Its a tough call for any sponsor to make, but the boook also suggests that it is not wise to push someone. Better to let them reach their own decisions in their own time.

You mention the desire to stop drinking as being relavent when really it isn't in this situation. That tradition entitles any alcoholic to membership in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, nothing more. There are no rights to service, no formal obligations on any other members to behave in any particular way, and the tradition does not mean the only requirement for sobriety is a desire...

Members maintain their own sobriety by working with others, passing on their knowledge and experience with the AA program to those who want it, the willing newcomers. They can't do much of that with unwilling newcomers.

For myself I recognise that alcoholics of my type have lost the power of choice in drink. They have a desire to stop but dont always manage it straight away for that very reason. "Probably no human power could relieve our alcoholism" So we keep working on the steps, as long as he is willing, and each time a relapse occurs we go back and try to figure out what we missed.

"God could and would if He were sought" and the seeking is why we continue trying with the program. Ultimately the defence against the first drink must come from a Higher Power., and my experience is the same as quoted in chapter 5,"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path".

Hopefully it can be seen that there is, for many of us, a lot more to getting sober than just joining the fellowship and going to some meetings. Perhaps Joe Nerv's story about the person who got sober because of a resentment will be prophetic.

I suggest getting back into the meetings and finding another sponsor, then following all directions consistent with the program. And all you need to do to know what is consistent with the program is to know the first 103 pages of the Big Book. That will keep you sponsor honest.

WMJ1012

Hi Windancer

Well first of all, it doesn't sound like she can help you.
Second, I don't text message with sponsees - or email. This is a spiritual program. Bill and Bob did not have text message.

Having said that, a HUGE defect AAs have is putting super-human expectations on other AAs, especially our sponsors (who will always be alcoholic too). A sponsor is not God.
Third, this could be for the best if you need hospitalization. I did. Do you feel you need that?

sg1970

A note about willingness. I thought I was willing to do whatever it took when I went to my first AA meeting. I would have sworn on a bible I was willing. But I wasn't really willing to work the steps. It took about 3 months of pain and whiteknuckling while sober to become willing and surrender. I guess my point is you have to reach a certain point and perhaps this incident is part of your journey to get to that point a little quicker. As someone said above, when the student is ready the teacher will appear. The Steps ARE the program and until you are willing to honestly work them to the best of your ability you are just going to meetings. Get willing, find a sponsor who works the steps the Big Book way, and get some relief.

Best wishes. You can do it.

SoberCAH

Sorry for your experience Windancer.

It may happen again in AA, you just never know.

We in AA make our share of mistakes.

You keep coming back, ya hear?

I hope that you get into treatment.

And I sure wish you the best with your recovery.

Keep us posted.

Windancer

I have been hospitalized for alcoholism many times before. I don't need to be hospitalized at all right now...I would know it. And if I did, I would go.

Windancer

I would have to agree that my willingness does waver. Sometimes a part of me still wants to challenge the first step. Which is insanity because if anyone should NOT drink, it is me. I have made progress though. I think I am a lot more honest with myself and others about it. But I know I still have a long way to go. My ego creeps up sometimes and I need to get in the habit of slamming it down more often.

sg1970

Alcoholism is insane isn't it. There's nothing rational about it. I can remember the fear of giving up alcohol. Like I would die without it or life without it would be miserable while at the same time it was making me miserable. And then I put it down and I was still miserable. I struggled with never drinking again and whether I needed a program or could do it on my own, the higher power concept. One day I finally surrendered and quit fighting. Started working the Steps and things changed quickly. Best wishes friend. It's not easy but you can do it.

Joe Nerv

There have been times in my sobriety where I've thought, maybe I jumped the gun on this whole thing? Maybe I self medicated because I didn't have the tools for life, that I now have? Maybe alcohol really wasn't a BIG problem and it was all my other problems that made it seem like it was, and I'm OK now? Maybe I've just been brainwashed to believe I can't ever drink safely, and I'm really not like all these other people who tried and failed countless time? I am, after all a bit unique.

And then it always comes down to this. If I drank, it would be for the effect. I never, EVER, understood having a glass of wine with dinner. I have never had any desire to do that. I liked getting drunk. Or at the very least, buzzed. And if I ever drank again, that's the only reason I can imagine my doing so. I have no desire to drink socially. Why would I, given my circumstances and knowing that there's a chance it might very well kill me, or destroy my life? And if I was successful in my attempt of drinking "and getting away with it", and didn't immediately jump back into the bottle full time I would be very excited about that. And somewhere down the line I'm certain I'd do it again, because I knew I could. And then again. And again... and... well, you get the picture.

Non alcoholics don't think like that. I'm fortunate to know several of them intimately. Drinking or not drinking is a complete non issue for them. If I offered them $100 to not drink for an entire year they'd laugh at me, take my money, and say I'll do 2. They don't think about alcohol the way I always did, they have an entirely different relationship with it.

Anyhow, I've never been able to get past that stuff and I'm grateful for that. I can't lie to myself. I know my deal. I know alcohol will ruin my life and I've accepted it. That acceptance has set me free to live an awesome life, out of it's deadly grip. I do what I want, not what alcohol wants. Great way to live for someone who knows the flip side. And not ever worth putting to a test for me.

skg

When the pain of sobriety becomes less fearful than the pain of continued self-abuse, you know where the solution can be found. Anything else is self-centered fear.