clvlcv37

Hey, so I started going to AA about a week an a half ago. I was loving it and really feeling like I was healing. I even picked up my one month coin. But a couple of days ago, these guys introduced themselves to me and started inviting me to come with them in after-meeting activities. I was looking for new friends because I had to stop seeing all of my old, drug-addict friends. I'm a woman and in the past 4 days of seeing them, every one of them has started hitting on me and talking trash about the other "friends". Last night we all went out to dinner together and I realized that I feel really uncomfortable being with them. Now I'm nervous about going to meetings because I don't want them to continue their patterns of behavior. I know I'm supposed to accept the things I cannot change (their behavior) and focus on my own recovery, but part of the reason I started drinking/drugging in the first place is because of social situations like this. Can anyone relate or offer advice?

mick3580

It is called 13th stepping. It happens a lot. Trust your gut and put some distance between you and these predators. This is not a joke. They may not have the intent to harm you but their motives are likely impure at best.

Brad

BadCompany

Yeah, guys are dumb and we don't improve much with age. If they can't keep their libido in check, move on, find a womens meeting.

Carlotta

This is predatory behavior also known as 13 stepping. In an healthy group like my home group, it would not tolerated and those guys would get a rimming.
This is why we say to people in early sobriety: the men with the men and the women with the women
Start sitting next to the women and befriending them: steer clear of the guys, you can say hi and be friendly at the meeting but ANY invitation for outside activity is to be treated as highly suspicious (unless it's a gay man then it's cool to be friends).
Next time one of those creeps try to make a move on you just tell him:
If I am not mistaken, there are only TWELVE steps in AA.
They'll get the message

dsmaxis10

Stick with the women in the group.

Carlotta

I wanted to add that it might be wise for you to go to a different meeting, maybe a step meeting? Men who work the steps do not act like that.
If it was one individual it would be one thing but the fact that there are several of them circling over you like vultures show that this is tolerated by the group...where are the women? Did the ladies give you their number and invited you for coffee???

Aellyce

Hi, I don't go to many meetings but happened to me. I actually tend to gravitate to guys myself, so no surprise. I personally don't think there is anything wrong about this, just normal human instincts.

Like others said: if you find this type of attention disturbing, stay with the women and don't respond to those invitations and comments.

Luper

I stopped going to my meetings because of this same issue. Although some of the older members did see it and spoke with me about it. They will step in. At least in my group. It is not tolerated there.

Guess I was just really shocked. Not exactly something else I needed to deal with while trying to get sober...

hope22

I was always told, especially early in sobriety "the men with the men, women with the women" That's one of the reasons I like women's meetings, for me its easier to share and it eliminates 13 stepping.

MIRecovery

If you have had problems in past and in the present stick to socializing with women to eliminate the problem in the future. There are some very broken people in the world so play it safe especially in early sobriety

fraankie

sponsor told me
"first year, guys with the guys
girls with the girls"

it's sad
i've heard quite a few times
from both guys and girls
"i came to meet someone"

very early on
i would tell someone
i got boundaries


best
fraankie

clvlcv37

Thank you to everyone who responded, it's good to know that I'm not alone. I think I will try to stick with the women from now on and maybe find a few different meetings to go to.

robgt350

yea that might be nest for you. for me it was best to be comfortable with the people i was with, that allowed a great trust in them. that only allowed me to gain from the benefits of the group.
have you tried the chat room here? great people there who are wonderful to talk too

paul99

I know I would normally gravitate towards the women...for obvious and not-so-obvious reasons in my drinking days. I had a very hard time with forming relationships with other men. They were a threat or competition. I imagine it's the same with women regarding other women. One of the things I had to learn in my recovery was to both stay away from the women AND start learning to relate to other men. The latter was more difficult than the former. And that is where my sponsor helped me.

As mentioned, stay with the women. If your gut tells you they're hitting on you, then absolutely they are hitting on you. And that ain't cool. That's untreated alcoholism.

tomsteve

its pretty sad, but I sure hope people realize it aint limited to men. theres 13th steppers of the female variety,too. its been attempted on me by women a few times.

just because people are in AA doesn't meant they are mentally and emotionally healthy. its not limited to AA or recovery. theres predators even in churches.
predators love goin for the newcomer. predators have a pretty sick pathology and know how vulnerable newcomers can be.

keep your guard up. don't throw trust out too quickly. it has to be earned- that is done with action and takes time. its a 2 way street there,too.

NYCDoglvr

You have free will: say "no" and don't go out with them.

WMJ1012

Hello C37
The men are easier for us to go to.
It was suggested to me that I start reaching out to the women.
I walked through my fear and tried it
Sometimes I got rejected but I kept trying.
I noticed when I offered my friendship that works best.

WMJ1012

One other thing
We're all trying to get well and stay well
It's up to me to watch my own boundaries.
And not blame others when I step somewhere I shouldn't
Lesson learned and it's okay....there will be many.
Jus let them go
You've got a whole lifetime ahead of you to start focusing on!

desypete

i know plenty of women who have been 13th stepped in aa
new comers are vulnerable and will often do things to try to fit in as there new to it all and dont know the guys or girls are 13th stepping them until its to late and a move is made then its spells trouble for the new comer as what do they do ? were can they go to get help ?

just like your feeling now and sadly this sort of thing happens a lot

dont have contact with these guys stick to women around the fellowship until you grow strong enough to spot 13th steppers

SoberCAH

I am sorry you have this problem.

Please find additional meetings and hang around here.