soberhal9

I am currently a little over a year sober, and have done all the steps - except sponsoring someone- for now I cannot find someone.

I want to improve my relationship with God, I pray and meditation in the morning, but sometimes I do not feel a connection. I pray from psalm 46 in the morning, the lords prayer, or other prayers.

I fear abondoning myself completely to God for some reason. Like I will lose a part of myself.

Has anyone struggled with building a relationship with God, and giving himself to God completely.

Jeni26

Yes I did for a long while. I believed, but never quite trusted that He would be totally on my side.

I prayed in the morning and at night, but I think I was just paying lip service to it really.

What made the difference to me was learning to meditate. I did a 10 week course which helped enormously. I have a brain that chatters constantly, and by learning how to at least turn down the volume, meant I was able to listen to God rather than just talk at him.

I thnk it just takes practice

mick3580

I have found a particular meditation helpful. It can be found at www.stepelevencomesalive.blogspot.com

GracieLou

I have found that I cannot meditate. I cannot sit quietly and not because I don't want to, I so wish I could, but I have Tinnitus so I can never achieve silence. In fact the quieter it is the louder the buzz so sitting quietly and trying to clear my mind brings on annoyance rather than peace.

I have had it for over ten years and I accepted it way before I quit drinking.

So, to get closer to God, I get closer to people. In the past I did not want to go out of my way for another and if/when I did, it was always self seeking or I was discontent the entire time.

Working with others is how I connect with him because I feel that is his will, not mine. As long as I continue to be open to help others and let them help me, my connection with him grows. It is not so much about quantity these days but quality. I find him, in them.

Pipefish

Interesting post Soberhal, thank-you.

Fearing you will lose part of yourself is a great observation, because in effect, we are! I'm inclined to wanting to be in charge, the moment(s) when I get out of the way can happen when I sit to pray, or throughout the day when I suddenly realise that one of those intuitively know how to handle moments has happened

Maybe it's losing the parts that serve no purpose or get in the way? Reflecting on those moments during or at the end of the day is what makes me aware of God's presence in my life. That & now having the contrast of how it feels to be directing the show again....have a very profound sense of which is preferable! Doesn't mean I always find it easy, but in the tussle, I learn!

Db1105

What got me closer to my Higher Power was service work. I got on the 12 step call list at Intergroup, took institution commitment meetings to detox, rehabs and prisons. Took meetings to those who those who couldn't get to meetings. I became an Intergroup rep. Most helpful for me was taking the coffee commitment at my Home group. Had to get there early to make coffee and set up, and stayed late cleaning up. Got to meet and help a lot of people that way.

For me, spirituality is more action than sitting and praying waiting for something to happen. Another important lesson my sponsor taught me was that you don't get 5 years of sobriety until the earth goes around the sun 5 times. Things take time, even getting closer to God. Not feeling it but sticking with it, is a major part of it.

muvinon

Sure. Spiritual growth takes time.

paul99

It's different for everyone, methinks. I find it more in meditation, walking in nature and working with others. For some, it's more service work, going to religious services or volunteering outside of AA. For others, it might be prayer, being close with family, or doing a certain hobby or task. Zen garden to long distance running...whatever it is, we find our path, I believe. Personally, I can't do commitments because of my wonky schedule, so I have to find other ways to connect with other alcoholics and be of service to them. Those ways are the ways I feel so much more connected to my HP.

It's not always going to be fireworks nor will we always find that sustained connection. But I know that moving away from the things that help me keep connected gets me in a less spiritual place - I get irritable, restless and discontented quickly unless I am plugged in. But it's not about being bathed in light 24/7. I have things that I need to do and preoccupy my time. But as long as I keep along spiritual principles, I am okay. And just knowing and feeling that I will be okay, that is the connection to my HP. That is often enough to sustain me through the rough patches.

endlesspatience

Have you tried going to church? I have found a church in which I am challenged by good sermons and a community of friends with similar values. It's helped enormously.

I know that you may have pre-conceieved about church but there really is a huge variety of different groups out there and you might find one for you.

I was listening to people at AA last night talk about the problem of medidation and I was thinking - "I medidated when I sang Christmas carols in church last night!" Remember the second part of the step is to pray and meditate and thus improve one's conscious contact with God. I don't think that means going into a trance.

It might be listening to the priest talking about Noah's Ark!


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jdooner

I am curious what you would perceive as being closer to God? Do you mean when you pray and ask for things you want them? It sounds like what you are missing is the awareness. You have the tools and want to use them but sound like you don't know how. I don't have the answers but I will share my experience.

I was so caught up in myself, I thought I was my own God. Everything I did revolved around what would benefit "me." I cared about one person only and looked at everyone as a pawn to get me ahead. This process nearly killed me. My relationship with my higher power is trying to do the next right thing. Sometimes I struggle but most of the time my intentions are true. Through this, I hav seen many changes that have benefitted me. My belief is that by putting positive energy into the universe, I am rewarded with positive things. Perhaps still selfish I guess, but relatively speaking a huge improvement though.

Certain phenomena hav occurred during my process. Perhaps coincident or perhaps Devine intervention but I believe people entering my life at the critical time, things happening...my awareness and faith of God has improved and is now conscious. This is from a non believer too.

Maybe some of this will help you. I sort think its like that object you are so intently looking for. Then someone comes in and finds what you were looking for and it was right in front of you the whole time. Relax and stop looking but doing the rig things and my guess is you will find what you are looking for.

tomsteve

Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.

Boleo

My relationship with what I used to call "God" changed drastically when I starting using steps 10 & 11 throughout my day:

"There is a direct linkage among self-examination, meditation, and prayer. Taken separately, these practices can bring much relief and benefit. But when they are logically related and interwoven, the result is an unshakable foundation for life."
(12&12 page 98)

soberhal9

I don't ask god for anything, I pray for strength, care and protection, and to do his will. I felt connected in the past where I was calm, and felt a strong ceonnection, it's certainly something to do with my meditation, I've been slacking thanks for all the responses guys.

jdooner

Sorry, I was probably projecting, as it was me that used to ask him for a bunch of stuff then believed he did not exist bc I did not get all I asked for. My lesson was learning its a two way street vs one way.

Good luck, god bless and merry Christmas.

Climber122

Sounds like you're already doing the right things - perhaps some service work as others have pointed out would help you see how it is God works. I know I never feel better then when helping others. Try and not let your spirituality get caught up with your feelings - our mood and what we "feel" can vary - we all continue to have highs and lows in sobriety - only now we are okay with that. If you pray and feel nothing it's okay - it's not about the feeling as much as it is a daily affirmation that you are seeking His will and not yours for the day.

RobbyRobot

Struggle doesn't even begin to describe my relationship with God,

Completely giving myself to God wasn't the big deal I feared it was early on. In fact, what I discovered for myself anyways, the more I gave, the more I had within myself to give more. So, my cup runneth over kinda thing goes on with my giving. Sure enough, plateaus do happen, and these give me a chance to reflect on the wealth of opportunities given back to me in respect of my giving from myself. Once I figured out that I still was me, myself, and I - and my choices were still mine to make - I took off the last of my blinders and the worry I had about losing myself in God has long since been removed.

Although I'm still agnostic in my recovery with an HP of my own understanding in my practice of the 12 steps, I'm also now and have been for decades now, Christian by faith as a person who is also a sinner. My Christian faith and my HP understanding are distinct for me and not the same thing. I was raised Christian and too often drunk no matter how I prayed, lol, so been there and done that - keeping my sobriety distinct as a part of my life and not the whole of my life works best for me.

Hope that didn't complicate things even more, lol. Sometimes my idea of simplicity is someone else's idea of complexity. What r u gonna do, eh?!! It is what it is...

Anyways, I'm sure your already on the right road with your relationship with God, however you understand God to be for YOU.

UncleMeat69

One of the things I discovered in my 4th. Step was that I had a real fear of
surrendering my ego to any HP I chose to conceive of. It was not a fear in
the sense of religious fear of a "Punishing God" It was fear of being dominated
by a genuine spirituality.

My alcoholic mind feared what surrender would do to me - and with me. These fears
are well founded, IMO. Spirituality does indeed dominate and transform its believers.
It demands that alcoholics dedicate their lives to a quest for knowledge of the will of
their HP and requires that their sobriety become contingent on a life consecrated to
the unselfish service of the brotherhood of other suffering alcoholics.

That is a tall order for a selfish alcoholic such as myself. It was only when I became
disillusioned by the sorrowful disappointments attendant upon living a life of "self
will run riot" that I became desperate enough to trust a Higher Power and willing
to subordinate my will to an HP of my understanding - unconditionally.

soberhal9

Yea, well I'm going to try to surrender completely, over time.

UncleMeat69

You can and you will, "One Day at a Time."

shaun00

I improve my relationship with God by selfless actions , God certainly never deserted me , I caused that by my selfishness and self driven life style .
Soooo it stands to reason my connection and spiritual well being can thrive by doing the opposite....