Justfor1

Having been "around AA" for close to a decade I can stay I rarely dated women I met at meetings. I usually had no interest in dating at all. However, there is someone I'm starting to see a bit & I'm already thinking, "if things turn out badly, I will still run into her at meetings". I have a history of very nasty, never talk/see each other type of breakups. Also, she is staying at a womens recovery home. The leaders at the recovery house discourage any sort of relationships. Well I guess my question is how to you SR folks deal with dating within AA. Of course, if your married I would hope this doesn't apply.

candie

I don't think even if I was single i'd date anyone at my groups, as it would kind of complicate things for me.Hope it all works out ok for you though

CaiHong

She is staying at a recovery home and I presume she is new to recovery. You on the other hand have been sober for so many years. All I hear from your post is how this will affect you. What about this woman? No you shouldn't date her.

CaiHong

DayTrader

I wouldn't ever date someone in their first year. They have much more important stuff to deal with and don't need the complication of "me" to add to the list. Sobriety and recovery have to be #1 and a relationship can put that in jeopardy. Sometimes, that timeline for me is longer depending upon where I think they are spiritually and mentally. If I don't think they're on firm ground, I'm not gonna date em at all.

On the other hand, I heard a speaker say he encourages his sponsees to get into relationships right away.......because it motivates them to work the steps as they typically blow the relationship up, feel horrible and need relief fast. (tongue in cheek, of course).

As for the breakups........ok..........well, you also have a history of drinking yourself into a stupor. Things change, right? Now, assuming things go somewhere (which, if she's in a halfway house of some sort, I'd encourage you to think about whether dating someone is the best thing for HER), and let's say they fizzle out.....you have the opportunity to practice the program during the breakup. Recognize that they, LIKE US, are sick....forgiveness......4th step......lover and tolerance is our code......etc etc. The BB goes on and on about stuff like this. The key, obviously, is to put these things we learn inthe steps into action in our real lives. What better place to practice the program than with someone you care about. Maybe, on that footing, there won't BE a nasty breakup. Even if there is, you've got a whole new set of tools to handle it better than before.

I've done the dating and the breakup thing a couple times in my sobriety. I found I was more willing to forgive and move on than they were.... No matter. My side of the street was clean and I can pray for them in the meantime.

Should YOU be dating Just.......dunno. Not my call. I don't make it a rule but I do "recommend" to sponsees they reconsider it if they're still not through the work, haven't had the awakening / rebirth, and are living differently than they were when they came in.

Justfor1

No Cai, I've been around AA for years just kind of loitering, not working a program and still drinking. We've both been sober around 9 months.

digderidoo

My personal opinion is that there are some (and i stress some) good relationships between AA'ers who have both worked the steps and have a few years sobriety.

But what i have seen is that many relationships in AA are formed where at least one (and it's generally the woman) is new to sobriety and AA. These generally do not work as the pressures of new emotions are too much to deal with early on. In many cases, the norm, rather than the exception, after break up is that one of the couple stops coming to meetings and it's generally the newcomer to AA.

I've seen it time and time again.

UpperbucksAAguy

My personal view is that you should work the steps. Waiting a year means nothing if you are still not working the program. I was married to someone in AA and yes when we divorced it complicated things. I am going to marry again in AA ( 12 years after divorce) I work a program, she works a program. Life is good

Tommyh

AA is a spiritual program,I suggest you pray about it and do what you think God wants you to do

sugarbear1

If she's staying in a women's recovery home that has rules, yeah, she's most likely new to recovery. Why date someone who isn't yet living on her own, working, and reasonably sober now? Her recovery could be in jeopardy if she isn't serious about focusing on herself.

That's a Big Red Flag waving in the air....

Wouldn't you rather date someone who has a strong background in sobriety and is working a solid program of recovery? Maybe it's time for Al Anon. You may find someone there who is more compatible.

I just read about you both having "about 9 months each" and I strongly suggest you both focus on being friends and hang out in a group. This is how we learn how others behave in a group. Sometimes we get to see how others really are. Sometimes we get to see ourselves more clearly.

Work the 12 steps and keep the focus on yourself and your own recovery before you get in a relationship. You've been loitering in AA for a long time, but only have begun your sober journey....another red flag is waving here.

No one can keep me sober; that is up to my Higher Power and my ability to focus on me and to grow.... I've been where you are. I wish I could turn the hands of time back there so I could do things differently....I didn't stay stopped from drinking for very long before my total focus was the other person and their inventory.

Just a thought or two sent out to ya.

Best wishes,

Db1105

Back in the day I got into one relationship and one breakup with another woman in the program . That was enough for me to seek romantic relationships outside of AA. I'm more of a don't **** where you sleep person and since I was in AA to save my life. My love life had to go elsewhere. Of course it was more difficult to meet people but I developed a social life, learned how to to scocializex without drinking and find new Intrest. It worked for me. Been married for 27 years to the same woman.

From what I've seen of AA romances, two sick people doesn't make a well person. And no, its not a good thing having two people work a program, especially when those people count their sobriety in months. I'm grateful that I avoided all that drama. For me, AA is a place to get well, not to get laid.

omegasupreme

I won't be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. Some good juice on page 69, however most tend to use page 96 instead.

Once I became serious about this way of living I wasn't willing to date until I was current with amends from old relationships. A clean slate seemed a perfect starting point, yanno, shatter as many of those crazy beliefs as possible before creating more harm with them.

Seems insane to start something with the thought that it would fail. My thought-life typically becomes my reality. God, please set aside everything I think I know for an open mind and a new experience...

Firehazard

Relationships in AA: The Odds are good but the goods are Odd.

warning:AA oneliner/ corney catchphrase do not read if you suffer from AA rigidity

shaun00

Aint that the truth..

Dating in AA.......Much like dating any where else, awkward , expensive, time consuming , and if you think you where good with YOUR own inventory, just wait till you get to take theirs !... lol.....which will definitely happen at some point....

Joking aside, ... i know of maybe 10 really happy relationships born in the rooms....
And hundreds of disasters.....ending in drinking.
Thats just my experience here abouts....of 12/13 years of AA.

The ones that turned out good where normally older 35-50 and had some sobriety ..maybe more than a year or two...

The ones that turned out bad where mostly...younger 20-30....and attempted the relationship within 6 months of sobriety.

Not facts but general observations ...

karilynn27

As a newly sober woman I believe this is a very vulnerable time and every ounce of energy is needed to work my program.
This is my life on the line.

Veritas1

Maybe the fear of it turning out badly is because you know you shouldn't be going against her recovery house rules.

When we know we are doing something wrong, it generates fear.

God gave us brains to use.

I think you know what is the right thing to do.

laurie6781

J41:

Have you COMPLETED all 12 steps this time around?

Has she?

When you have both COMPLETED all 12 steps and ARE LIVING the steps will be time enough to ask this question. Until then it does not deserve an answer.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Mo S

I have too much experience on this topic in my 27 years sober lol. I have dated in the first year, had a 7 year relationship with someone i met in the first year and dated numerous women throughout my sobriety that were in AA. Like you- breakups are not all sunshine roses and continued friendships when its over. I think we all have to learn from our own experience. A sponsor is a good one to go to with this issue. The botttom line for me is I learned I was not compatible with other AA members for dating or relationships. I do best with social drinkers who dont need a program of recovery for anything- they are still on a learning journey of life tho and approach life as such.. I am happily married now to a social drinker for 8 yrs. I dont regret a DAY of what I went thru as it got me to today. No one could have taught me this info- i had to learn for myself.
Perhaps if you are insecure about it- a decision that may be in order. I wish you the best with that decision.

zxcirce

from a lot....lot....of personal experience with stuff like this

dont shiz where you eat

ABIDEBYLAW

Staying at a recovery home... leave her alone!

muvinon

Men in my group leave women in early sobriety alone. They know that the danger is to the newcomer.

Don't you care that she might not be able to handle it and die from this?