fuzzy1

You've given yourself an answer in your post. "The leaders at the recovery house discourage any sort of relationships." If you like her, you probably wouldn't want to be a negative in her life.

muvinon

"My sponsor once said to me, 'with all the hundreds of single women out there, why even think about dating an alcoholic?'[/QUOTE]

So why would anyone want to date you?

digderidoo

Beats me.

FlyerFan

I have heard a lot of people say not to make any changes in the first year and to be cautious when starting any kind of relationship. I have also met many people who have met their spouses in AA and they seem genuinely happy. So I do not think there can be a general rule here. Just be careful and think things through before moving forward.

Justfor1

What a disaster. It didn't take long. We went to the casino and out to dinner on our first real date. I couldn't get her to leave the slot machine & we got back late. She was an hour late past her curfew to her recovery home & nearly got kicked out. I really tried to get her to leave but she just kept sending me to get her diet cokes! I, of course, had lost all my money at this point including my gas money for the week. A few days later she calls me to ask to loan her money & wanted me to go back to the casino with her. I found out she lost her entire tax return check ($4000) at the casino a few months back on a gambling bender. Now I don't think she wants to see me anymore because I didn't lend her money. Of course, I still want to see her because I think she is a overall amazing women. I have not had feelings for a women like this in years. I probably should let it go as this is a huge trigger for me to hit the bottle. Hopefully, I will be able to.

Tommyh

thats why I stay out of my sponsee`s love life
they learn their own lessons in their own time with no help from me,and it leaves me off the hook.

soberlicious

I could be wrong...I often am...but um, a $4000 loss at the casino is a problem. A sizeable one.

shaun00

Run....and keep running .

Gottalife

This strikes me as a very wise course and worth repeating.

Charmie

in your own words "what a disaster"
but i know of a really really swell idea....lets get in even deeper!!! yipppeeee....

Jfanagle

A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

I dated many women in AA in the first 3 years of MY sobriety, beginning a few months after I came into the program. However funny as this may sound; I never dated any woman who didn't have at least 3 years sober even when I only had a few months and in all cases it was agreed up front this was a social interaction and while we were (friends with benefits) it was not going to be a "relationship" per se. I have not dated any women in the rooms for the last 10 years and as I recently got married again after 20 years single, I don't expect to date any in the near future.

I remained and still remain friends with all of the women I dated. I have often thought it was the fact that we were friends and we wanted the social and physical benefits, but were not looking for long term relationship status that worked for us.

My point is that as an alcoholic I didn't do well with commitment and long term plans. I am in no way recommending this as a course of action, but I did have a good time and I don't know of any ladies who relapsed. I guess even in AA if you are judicious and make sure that the women/men you spend time with are stable and you are honest about your motives it can work. However I have seen some really nasty results when two parties who don't know themselves try and become involved with unreasonable expectations about the future together.

There was a reason I never dated any one with less than 3 years and that was because I saw too much uncertainty in where that person was in their own life and I honestly thought my date's longer time sobriety was helpful in my early years. I ultimately stopped dating in AA because I got tired of having a "meeting" while on a date and started seeing women who were not alcoholics. I married one of those last month.

AA got me back in the social mainstream and I have many female friends in the rooms, but I do agree with several folks in this thread that you are most likely asking for trouble if both of you are under a year in sober time.

Jon

TigerLili

At 2.5 years I wasn't going to meetings or doing the Steps, I was just not drinking. I met a guy who had relapsed after 7 years in the programme. We dated for a while, I ended up drinking and just ended it after 14 months. It was a big mistake to date someone with a drinking problem when neither of us had a good programme. We basically fell down a big, negative vortex together.

Justfor1

Thank you JFangle. I think I want kinda what you are describing.

LegalLady

This entire thread was interesting to me. The only thing that kept ringing in my ears is "I want what I want when I want it" You know, speaking for myself I looked for men to give me self worth. I did that drinking and now 4 years sober I find I still go back to that. I'm working on feeling good about me, without a drink, without a date. I'm just trying to be what my Higher Power (not anyone else) would be proud of me for. And that is hard to do. I waited until I was three years sober and dated someone who had 14 years of sobriety. I found that I became more judgmental of how he worked his program and he wanted to be my sponsor. I also found that I had only worked Steps 1 through 5 and jumped straight to Service works. 6 and 7 our important on character defects. Anyway, I always want stuff, but I don't always have to act on it.
To me it doesnt really matter so much on how much time someone has sober, but how thoroughly they had taken the steps. Just because I stopped drinking didn't mean my restless, irritable and discontent didn't rare its head. In fact it showed up more. But now I have the tools and a cools sponsor to help me. I can't give a way what I don't have and I can't share myself with others if I don't know who I am yet. Really, this is what I finding out about this program--It is, for me, to find out who I am, where I am and how I react. Once I get comfortable with my own skin, then I can maybe, maybe be able to tolerate someone' elses. Have a blessed day.

NYCDoglvr

"Relationships are like pouring Miracle Grow on your character defects". Boy is that true. It's a very bad idea to date someone newly sober. While I'm an alcoholic I never date other alcoholics because I've heard of too many disasters, even with people with a great deal of time.

bryangt

Just a quick observation: Men in the meetings I go to with (5 to)10 plus years of sobriety...who are married are married to women who were NOT in the rooms. Some of them just don't drink (the wives)--some are light social types who also go to Al-anon meetings due to their spouses alcoholism.

rochadad

What does dating have to do with recovery? I've relapsed in a relationship, not in a relationship, all by lonesome, with friends, my dog, etc. Yes alcoholism is a disease which means I am sick when it comes to alcoholism, but does that mean everything else does not function? I think we're human despite suffering from alcoholism. We still have needs just like the rest the human race and it's a basic human need to crave companionship. I don't remember reading anywhere in the big book about relationships causing relapse. Bill W. was married to Lois wasn't he?

DayTrader

bold part- see step 1......the second half, after the dash.

As far as the topic, remember.......practicing AA in a meeting is one thing, "but a much greater demonstration lies ahead in our families" (or something close to that). Getting involved in any reationship (romantic, work, personal, etc) and continuing to live based on self, what I want, how I want it, etc puts me in jeopardy..... Living life on a spiritual basis is what I need to be doing.... but honestly, practicing spiritual principles (especially when we're new and don't have the experience with them yet) in a romantic relationship (one of the tougher places to practice the program) can be......well......challenging.

That, I think, is what relationships have to do with recovery....

Cathy31

Yup me too married in AA we both worth the program life is good.

Xxx

tomsteve

okay then, get into a relationship. we wish you the best. please come back and let us know how its workin for ya.