LegalLady

The hardest part for me in this program is surrender, and I"ve come to believe it's the most important part.

Whenever I try to turn a situation over to the care of my Higher Power, I can say I did it, I can pray that I desire to do it, I can help others and discuss the thought with my sponsor; however when all is said and done and I'm in a free moment, it comes back in my head with a vengence. Just thoughts about things. I must admit my reaction to things are better but the thoughts are soooooo hard for me to turn off. And the fight to NOT react is a real BYOTCH. I hear everyone says to surrender the situation, but does that mean when you surrender something, that's it. You don't think about it much any more. The desire to get involved and react is gone? I think if I could just not predict every situation and analyse every thing I do and want to fix everything I'd have that so called serenity people seem to have obtained.

Anyway, that's where I seem to be stuck.

NYCDoglvr

I think it's a slow, difficult process for all of us but it gets much easier the more you practice. I've heard it called "the voices", that endless stream of negative thought that does keep us from serenity. I grew to understand that the mind is simply a poorly programmed computer: garbage in, garbage out. So I'd say "thank you for sharing mother (or whoever), now get the f*ck out of here". I grew to see the mind as a small, mis-behaving child that had to be disciplined. I'd change the channel by picking up the phone, going outside, meetings, TV, books, whatever. For me sharing my crazy, negative thoughts with someone else helped the most.

neferkamichael

I hav ethe same problem with "surrendering" LegalLady. My alcohol sobriety date is 7-10-2010 and I attend AA meetings regularly. I work the steps but have problems with some of them. Don't give up, I haven't. I've come to accept that I'll just have to "suffer through" the hard times, but there have been plenty of good time and life is better for me now that I'm sober.

Have a good day LegalLady
neferkamichael

BadCompany

Yep, it seems that a lot of people make a big fuss over the 4th and 5th steps as the big hurdle. Year after year the one that kicks my butt is the third step. The thing is, the one thing in this program that pays the most dividends, is my progress on the third step.

LegalLady

Well, its good to know Im not alone in this. Sometimes when I say I'm having a hard time, I get the feeling that people think I don't have a Higher Power. Or that I still think I'm the higher power. But what I have a hard time believing is the people who talk like its "just gone away" I'm always so nervous and I always have my "predictions" going. My sobriety date is 2/18/08 and sometimes I feel like I'm not working my program or I failed at my steps or I just don't get what everyone else so freely seems to want to give away. It makes it hard for me to sponsor. My sponsor says I'm okay. I just feel lately that I don't fit. I end up with a lot resentments against the program because I keep looking for these promises. And I don't mean money and stuff, I mean the fear of those things leaving me. Again, my thoughts in my head. You know the part about it being a physical disease never really convinced me I was alcoholic, but the obsession of the mind is what had me totally convinced. My mind has had a hit out on my own A## for a long time. Sometimes I think its out to kill me.

BadCompany

That's the thing. I can have it in my head, but before I know it, my actions or my mouth are in gear and I'm off to the races. When you get to the point where you catch yourself in the act and stop yourself, that is when the tide begins to turn. The 10th step is helpful here.

Tommyh

LL
I heard a preacher say a long time ago,the battle is in the mind,it is the battlefield.
I invite my HP into my mind and life every morning,pages 86-88
sometimes doing the day,I say a little prayer,please direct my thinking or Thy Will be Done.

I also stay out of the predicting business

you say you have thoughts?I am not going to ask you excally what kind of thoughts.Thats none of my business.
However,
Sometimes we have thoughts straight from the HP,thoughts we are really supossed to act upon.If I fail to do so,I may feel crappy.If I act on them,I may feel better.
Maybe God is telling me to do a little task or to not do something.I try and pay attention to excally what is going on in my head so I won`t miss God`s will for me,and of course,I fall far short of doing it perfectly.
Progress not perfection.
my question to you is
do you think your HP may be telling you to do something or just trying to get to you about something?
like I said,I have no idea what excally you may have been thinking,but maybe we just need to look at the other side of the coin sometimes to see better

neferkamichael

Everybody keep talking, please. Its encouraging me to take a closer at the steps.

Boleo

IMNSHO surrender is not the most important thing, it's everything.

"Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness."
(page 14)

It's not difficult, but it's humanly impossible.

"Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid."
(page 63)

"Detachment is the most noble of all virtue."
(Meister Eckhart)

CaiHong

I have been playing/observing the self will/control thing. The other day I got a real buzz about a new project, mind went off in a tangent projecting into the future, wanted a drink to accompany the buzz.

Fortunately I had the good sense, did a HP check, que serra serra. mind slowed down, went about my work, missed lunch by 3 hours as I was so caught up/enjoying in what I was doing.
Reading what Badcompany wrote, I agree.
My point being, step 3 is important I have been worrying over step 4 whereas step 3, my HP is the one that is going to keep me sane and on the right path.
I was thinking this morning why can't I do step 4. Is it because I am not ready and I really have to surrender /embrace my HP?

All I want from this day is not to drink.
CaiHong

Taking5

My surrender story: Coming back to AA after being in and out for a while I was at my first meeting in 2 years. They asked for newcomers and I stood up, told a bit about myself and said "I am here to beat my addiction to alcohol".

After the meeting an old timer said to me "Son, you aren't gonna beat anything in here, your ass has already been whipped".

I was pissed off but in driving home, it occurred to me he was right. I was whipped. I have no business even thinking I can "do battle" with alcohol or "beat" my addiction. It was at that point, after being in and out of AA for years, that for the first time I truly surrendered, and really took step one.

The big book says it well:

This is one of the paradoxes of AA - we have to surrender to win.

Eddiebuckle

Great thread!

I've found that much of what used to drive me nuts were things that I built up in my head to the point of being "real" by virtue of the energy I put into obsessing about them. An upcoming event, a previous argument, etc. - by the act of mentally tilling the soil of these events in my mind I gave them significance that they never would have otherwise, and rarely warranted.

And the truth is, most things that occur to us in life are minutia, the only significance they have we give to them. There is very little that occurs to us or around us that is directed at us personally - the hard part is learning to truly apply that in daily living.

sugarbear1

My ego likes to rebuild itself.

Tommyh

we will never be totally free of "bad" thoughtsbut we can make progress.I know a oldtimer near Philly who is a real Big Book thumper.He was driving home from a meeting one day when the thoughts came to him
"I need to go home and divorce my wife"
the more he thought on it,the more it seemed like the thing he needed to do.
Then before he got home,sanity prevailed.He realized he loved his wife and they got along fine and he saw those first thoughts as they were,insanity.

a few oldtimers have told me a similier story,about the bad thoughts just seemed to come out of the blue into our minds for no apparent reason.
Act on the good,and set aside the bad,we do not have to act on the bad,nor let those thoughts have control of our lives.By acting on the good,I am doing step 3 and step 11 to a degree.

the knowledge(good thoughts) of His will for me,and the Power(my acting on those good thoughts) to carry it out
sometimes a surrender must be physical,by my getting going and doing something.
I can keep it that simple sometimes

Rusty Zipper

hi LL

what we resist, persits

that simple little dopey slogan always helps me to wave the white flag when needed

Mark75

Yep, I relate to what you are saying.

You say (I) "want to fix everything" and I will add "right now". It was the first time that I understood that and realized that I couldn't but He could, in His own time... It was then that I had my first meaningful spiritual awakening in recovery.

This is not unique to anybody. Self will... a pretty basic human trait. My best friend is not alcoholic, not even remotely, and he is a quietly devout christian... we talk about this all the time. He and I are no different in this regard. Trusting God versus Self Will.

Boleo talks of detachment and Rusty says that what we resist, persists. Good stuff.

Detachment for me means detaching emotionally from the outcome. The myopic, self serving need, to have things a certain way... blocks me from experiencing the way things should be... His will for me.

Progress not perfection. When I experience that serenity you speak of, I know that I am on the right track. When I don't have that serenity, I am learning that I have to detach, emotionally, and trust God. For me it takes practice and sometimes I have to wrestle with it a while, like Jacob and the angel.

I have heard around the rooms and I think here on SR. "Faith is knowing that the cyclist on the high wire will make it to the other side. Trusting that he will is climbing up on the handle bars while he does..." I like that analogy.

LegalLady

Thanks everyone. My sponsor tells me my doubt is a real fight for me. Not so much the doubt in a Higher Power but in everything I do bad or good. My biggest thing is I feel I don't have as big as issues as others. I'm wokring on my Higher Power is there for me too and not just others in more need.

My sponsor did say something to me that stuck in my hard head. That I was demanding of myself and of others. Even if I don't tell someone my demands, in my head I already have what I want them to do or say or act or feel. Like how can I possibly tell someone that but I sure do think it up a good storm. It seems that everything is tying together like control acceptance and surrender, but its causing me all this inner turmoil. I did hear a guy speak at a meeting once and said, If you are having some kind of turmoil after the drinking has stopped that is good, then you are trying to work your program. I hope that is right.

Thank you all for your replies. I'm trying really hard to surrender and not want to be the "it" of everything, good and bad. If you were to ask me three years ago what was hard, I'd say to quit drinking. Now I think that might have been the easier part. Now the hard part is to stay out of my head and on my street and not yours. I'm told it gets easier. Self Esteem is not my greatest attribute and I just get scared. Surrender. All I can say is its on my mind, I'm working on it, I'm praying and I'm just doing the best I can. Thank you all.

WakeUp

LegalLady
You are not only having thoughts, you identify with them!
You are not your thoughts, thoughts are just mental steels that come and go.
Become an observer of your thoughts. This is where Step11 comes in.
How are you with your Step11 practice?

LegalLady

I have no idea how I am with Step 11 practice. I mean I'm getting better at my morning meditation, and afternoon, and in between for that matter. However, I feel okay for the moment but it always comes back. It's this constant sense of I'm doing it wrong. I still hang onto the phrase sometimes quickly sometimes slowly

NYCDoglvr

When I redid the steps in my 15 year, what surprisingly popped up was enormous self-will. So big it was like having it on a billboard in Times Square in big lights. Why did I not see this before? So much for really surrendering. Well, that's when I got to work on this and it paid off. At least I know when it's my will to do or not do something now.