The beginning of the end
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tampa,Florida
Posts: 14
The beginning of the end
You know, my weekends continue to get worse and worse lately. It's interesting that for each week of successful therapy and feeling a lot better about myself, my home life and marriage is suffering something crazy. I have come to the beginning of the end. I really have. Our lease is up in January and I plan to get my own place. I have not yet shared this with my husband. It's the whole cocaine/alcohol issue and his completely abnormal thought process. It's the anger in him that is projected on to me and is increasing in it's intensity. I am being verbally abused, referred to as The Goddess Bitch, I am being blamed for all of his poor pitiful issues. I am living with a victim. I really can't take it anymore. I went out with my mom and Aunt on Saturday and he was well aware that I would be going. He woke up Saturday on edge (now I realize he was jonesing for coke and a drink and was in a bad mood) and we made plans to go to the Oktoberfest. I said it would be late afternoon in all likelihood and we decided we'd have something to eat there. Well, the day ran late and my mother and aunt waited for me specifically so we could all grab something to eat. I called him to let him know this. He acted as if it was no biggie, told me to enjoy my day, etc. Within 10 minutes, he called me back and asked for this guy's phone #..a guy we know with the cocaine hookup - he claimed that he wanted him to do some work on his car and this is why he needed his #. He is so transparent and came across so very desperate in his offhanded casual inquiry - this little ruse did not work whatsoever. I then received a call from a girl friend advising me that he had called her asking if she could get ahold of the stuff. She said no, of course. When I got home, I came face to face with his alter ego - the crazy rageaholic. He was raging at me, bellowing at full force, furious for 'lying to him all day, stringing him along, blowing off our plans' His reaction to a mild change in plans was as if I had murdered his first born. I know the pattern though. He creates a conflict each time he wants to fall off his self imposed wagon. This was nothing new but the intensity was greater. I am really feeling almost fearful, though I don't believe he would ever hit me. I am seeing how sick he really is and I am so scared for him. I'm sad for me.
I ended up leaving again Saturday night. I stayed with a friend. I went home Sunday and called my sister in law explained I would not be able to make the family party that day. She knew something was amiss but didn't push it. She did say marriage is tough and there are bumps along the way, that it took she and hubby's brother10 years to work through certain issues. The difference here is that he does not have substance/alcohol issues. Furthermore, I feel I cannot possibly overcome these problems without hubby's participation, seeing as how they really are HIS issues. I realize that he does not want to get better. He is very addicted to his crap. You know he even abuses OTC drugs - if I buy Tylenol, a full bottle is gone in a week. He abuses EVERYTHING and to excess but I will be damned if he thinks he's going to abuse me too. I am ready to do something drastic.
I decided not to ride this coaster. I meant it. He has no idea how serious I am and you know, he is probably so enmeshed in his disease that he doesn't care. His brain has obviously been impaired and his thinking patterns are just irrational.
Saturday night I could not sleep. I began thinking of all the stuff I have endured. It was like Pandora's box..all of the times he has really let me down, hasn't been emotionally available, how manipulative he has been. I started to feel angry. Everything is about keeping him afloat, I am working double time to fix me, him, his kids, his mother..his whole family has watched him self destruct his entire life. When he found love with me and changed his course down the path of disaster, the family could breathe again but in typical fashion, he is never confronted or held accountable because he can write them off in a New York minute. This is how he controls them. I am overwhelmed with the responsibility I feel I have. This is sick stuff.
At this point, I am ready to walk. I know that I won't look back with regrets. I have encouraged, supported, counseled, taking all the emotional lumps that someone else deserves. I have done my penance. I do not want the role of long suffering wife, I don't enjoy this life, this is not a marriage.
I think that his tremendous hostility is brimming to the surface because the old tactics he once deployed are not working. He does not have a partner at the dysfunctional dance. I am getting healthier everyday and I know he resents this. You would think a husband would inquire once in awhile about his wife's state of mind, considering she wanted to die only weeks earlier. That's the problem. He never worries about me, he doesn't take care of me emotionally because he is completely inept, he is emotionally crippled himself. I no longer have the need to rescue him. I can't do it. I know he has no interest in changing his life because comfortably numb has done him right all these years (or so he thinks) He will ultimately kill himself or maybe keep the party going with some cheesy bar skank down the road. I hate to say this but his ex wife was better suited to him than me. He also has inferiority issues about this and seems to actually despise me. He loves to mock me, saying I know everything, I am perfect, I have no faults, blah,blah,blah. I sometimes wonder what kind of state of mind I was in to have fallen for him. I see now that it could have stayed fun and wonderful had I not wanted to come out of the fog. I cannot believe this is how my 5 month old marriage will end.
It has to. I can't live this way anymore. The transition from emotion to intellect has begun. Certain things are non negotiable and this drug and alcohol abuse, followed by his tyrannical rants are unacceptable. I have no faith that he will recognize this and take the steps to resolve it. He is completely lacking in self awareness. He does not want to stop because in his mind, it's all my fault anyway. He even blamed me, said that I introduced him to the drugs. I suppose I have been holding a gun to his head all these months too.
I am done problem solving. I am finished with my cheerleading gig. I am no longer interested in playing substance counselor, therapist, and mother. My role is a wife and I have yet to assume it!
He has clearly not hit his rock bottom yet. He may never. I know this is not personal..he loves me in the best way he can but is simply lacking in the tools to make this work.
This is terribly sad.
I ended up leaving again Saturday night. I stayed with a friend. I went home Sunday and called my sister in law explained I would not be able to make the family party that day. She knew something was amiss but didn't push it. She did say marriage is tough and there are bumps along the way, that it took she and hubby's brother10 years to work through certain issues. The difference here is that he does not have substance/alcohol issues. Furthermore, I feel I cannot possibly overcome these problems without hubby's participation, seeing as how they really are HIS issues. I realize that he does not want to get better. He is very addicted to his crap. You know he even abuses OTC drugs - if I buy Tylenol, a full bottle is gone in a week. He abuses EVERYTHING and to excess but I will be damned if he thinks he's going to abuse me too. I am ready to do something drastic.
I decided not to ride this coaster. I meant it. He has no idea how serious I am and you know, he is probably so enmeshed in his disease that he doesn't care. His brain has obviously been impaired and his thinking patterns are just irrational.
Saturday night I could not sleep. I began thinking of all the stuff I have endured. It was like Pandora's box..all of the times he has really let me down, hasn't been emotionally available, how manipulative he has been. I started to feel angry. Everything is about keeping him afloat, I am working double time to fix me, him, his kids, his mother..his whole family has watched him self destruct his entire life. When he found love with me and changed his course down the path of disaster, the family could breathe again but in typical fashion, he is never confronted or held accountable because he can write them off in a New York minute. This is how he controls them. I am overwhelmed with the responsibility I feel I have. This is sick stuff.
At this point, I am ready to walk. I know that I won't look back with regrets. I have encouraged, supported, counseled, taking all the emotional lumps that someone else deserves. I have done my penance. I do not want the role of long suffering wife, I don't enjoy this life, this is not a marriage.
I think that his tremendous hostility is brimming to the surface because the old tactics he once deployed are not working. He does not have a partner at the dysfunctional dance. I am getting healthier everyday and I know he resents this. You would think a husband would inquire once in awhile about his wife's state of mind, considering she wanted to die only weeks earlier. That's the problem. He never worries about me, he doesn't take care of me emotionally because he is completely inept, he is emotionally crippled himself. I no longer have the need to rescue him. I can't do it. I know he has no interest in changing his life because comfortably numb has done him right all these years (or so he thinks) He will ultimately kill himself or maybe keep the party going with some cheesy bar skank down the road. I hate to say this but his ex wife was better suited to him than me. He also has inferiority issues about this and seems to actually despise me. He loves to mock me, saying I know everything, I am perfect, I have no faults, blah,blah,blah. I sometimes wonder what kind of state of mind I was in to have fallen for him. I see now that it could have stayed fun and wonderful had I not wanted to come out of the fog. I cannot believe this is how my 5 month old marriage will end.
It has to. I can't live this way anymore. The transition from emotion to intellect has begun. Certain things are non negotiable and this drug and alcohol abuse, followed by his tyrannical rants are unacceptable. I have no faith that he will recognize this and take the steps to resolve it. He is completely lacking in self awareness. He does not want to stop because in his mind, it's all my fault anyway. He even blamed me, said that I introduced him to the drugs. I suppose I have been holding a gun to his head all these months too.
I am done problem solving. I am finished with my cheerleading gig. I am no longer interested in playing substance counselor, therapist, and mother. My role is a wife and I have yet to assume it!
He has clearly not hit his rock bottom yet. He may never. I know this is not personal..he loves me in the best way he can but is simply lacking in the tools to make this work.
This is terribly sad.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi Bellisfull,
You didn't mention whether or not you had a drinking or drug problem, but it sounds like you have a whole other set of problems.
I believe in order for a family to recover from drugs/alcohol, the whole family has to be in some sort of recovery program.
I'd never presume to "tell" you what to do about your husband, that's your decision but I can see the anger and resentment in your words and would strongly suggest that you get some help with you recovery, no matter whether you stay or move out. Obviously, if there's physical abuse I'd suggest you take care of yourself and any children you may have and get a restraining order to keep him away. The alternative is to find a safe house or somewhere you'll be safe.
Best of luck and please keep in touch.
You didn't mention whether or not you had a drinking or drug problem, but it sounds like you have a whole other set of problems.
I believe in order for a family to recover from drugs/alcohol, the whole family has to be in some sort of recovery program.
I'd never presume to "tell" you what to do about your husband, that's your decision but I can see the anger and resentment in your words and would strongly suggest that you get some help with you recovery, no matter whether you stay or move out. Obviously, if there's physical abuse I'd suggest you take care of yourself and any children you may have and get a restraining order to keep him away. The alternative is to find a safe house or somewhere you'll be safe.
Best of luck and please keep in touch.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Tampa,Florida
Posts: 14
I've had a wicked bout of depression and have been back in therapy and back on my meds. That's the extent of my problems but the cloud of misery has lifted only to reveal that I live with and love an addict. I feel responsible for him - he is 38 years old yet I have no confidence in him landing on his feet. Due to poor choices in life, he has bad credit, the whole nine yards - he can't just go out and get a place to live.
We have a lease that expires in January - I feel he needs sufficient time to prepare for leaving and I plan to transfer into a smaller place.
I am so depressed. He called me and when I told him that we are not sweeping this under the rug again, he went off on me, blaming me, that everything is my fault. Typical addict for ya. I hate to sound so bitter but I have given and given only to get smacked in the face again and again. That was my fault, playing the martyr..I did it 'for love' - yet he can't love me in a healthy way while in the grips of cocaine and alcohol.
I am in shock sometimes that this has become our life. You always think this is the stuff that happens to other people - you never know when a truck is going to come along and run you down..
We have a lease that expires in January - I feel he needs sufficient time to prepare for leaving and I plan to transfer into a smaller place.
I am so depressed. He called me and when I told him that we are not sweeping this under the rug again, he went off on me, blaming me, that everything is my fault. Typical addict for ya. I hate to sound so bitter but I have given and given only to get smacked in the face again and again. That was my fault, playing the martyr..I did it 'for love' - yet he can't love me in a healthy way while in the grips of cocaine and alcohol.
I am in shock sometimes that this has become our life. You always think this is the stuff that happens to other people - you never know when a truck is going to come along and run you down..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
Hi again Bellyisfull,
I had a friend who did cocaine. It became his wife, family, shelter, and he chose it over everything else. Of course it's all your fault! That's the copout. He hasn't up 'til now and won't take responsibility for the mess...he can't because that would make him accountable. He has to blame it on someone. I did, only with alcohol.
You talk like you're stuck...like you're the victom here. That's why you need help. You've put up with his unacceptable behavior until it's all lead to where you are now. A healthy person, in love or not, wouldn't put up with what you've put up with. It's time for you to accept your part in what's happened and make the necessary changes, lease or no lease. From the sound of it, you might be in pretty bad shape by the time January roles around.
Think about it.
I had a friend who did cocaine. It became his wife, family, shelter, and he chose it over everything else. Of course it's all your fault! That's the copout. He hasn't up 'til now and won't take responsibility for the mess...he can't because that would make him accountable. He has to blame it on someone. I did, only with alcohol.
You talk like you're stuck...like you're the victom here. That's why you need help. You've put up with his unacceptable behavior until it's all lead to where you are now. A healthy person, in love or not, wouldn't put up with what you've put up with. It's time for you to accept your part in what's happened and make the necessary changes, lease or no lease. From the sound of it, you might be in pretty bad shape by the time January roles around.
Think about it.
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