Scared
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 204
Scared
Hi guys, I think I just need to vent here, but any of you have experience to relate, you know I'll take whatever I can get. 
I have my first H&I experience coming up on the 24th and I'm feeling really insecure and scared. I will be sharing at a meeting in a facility where all the residents are there as an alternative to prison. We have a program in CA where people who would otherwise receive time can opt for treatment. The meeting will be all women.
Many people in AA have called me a "high bottom" drunk, and I hate it. I came in already having an attitude about that sort of thing because I had a rough and very poor childhood but have always somehow given people the impression that I am some sort of princess who has had it easy. "Upmarket" was the term my Aussie ex liked to use.
Suicide attempts, mental hospitals, promiscuity and sexual abuse are part of my story; jail, prostitution, abusive men and street drugs are not. I wish I could say I'm worried these women won't be able to hear the message from me because they don't relate, but honestly I'm just afraid they'll hate me. I'm also disgusted with myself that my thoughts on this are all me me me, f**k! Where does my self centeredness end!? These women are locked up on Christmas Eve and poor little Nin is worried they won't like her.
So there it is, I actually feel a little less anxious putting it out there, but I know myself, it'll be back in about five minutes. Anyone want to share their experience with going into jails and institutions?
I have my first H&I experience coming up on the 24th and I'm feeling really insecure and scared. I will be sharing at a meeting in a facility where all the residents are there as an alternative to prison. We have a program in CA where people who would otherwise receive time can opt for treatment. The meeting will be all women.
Many people in AA have called me a "high bottom" drunk, and I hate it. I came in already having an attitude about that sort of thing because I had a rough and very poor childhood but have always somehow given people the impression that I am some sort of princess who has had it easy. "Upmarket" was the term my Aussie ex liked to use.
Suicide attempts, mental hospitals, promiscuity and sexual abuse are part of my story; jail, prostitution, abusive men and street drugs are not. I wish I could say I'm worried these women won't be able to hear the message from me because they don't relate, but honestly I'm just afraid they'll hate me. I'm also disgusted with myself that my thoughts on this are all me me me, f**k! Where does my self centeredness end!? These women are locked up on Christmas Eve and poor little Nin is worried they won't like her.
So there it is, I actually feel a little less anxious putting it out there, but I know myself, it'll be back in about five minutes. Anyone want to share their experience with going into jails and institutions?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 58
Good for you. Having the courage to carry the message during Christmas. I am a male and I use to wonder how I was going to sound to the men and especially the women. I found that when I talk about the internal events, rather than the external events, relating is much easier. We can all relate to the emotional despair, guilt, shame, anger, etc. Not everybody has a DUI or jail.
I think my biggest mistake is trying to figure what I should say to make them identify. Share your experience strength and hope, and someone will identify. I cannot be all things to all people, but maybe one will understand.
The one thing I do before I speak at a meeting is take a quiet time with God and say my 3rd and 7th step prayer.
Finally, while you may not see the relationship at the moment, your experience may not vary much from what some of these women have gone through. For example, mental hospitals and jail. Both tell you what to do and when, both determine your bedtime and youe meal time. In my case, both were locked wards.
Promiscuity and prostitution: both are self-seeking in that a person may be looking for something, whether it is money or security.
Sexual abuse and abusive men: both have a similar result internally, although the external looks a little different.
The greatest gift we have is to carry the message. Focus the majority of the time on the solution, and give them hope.
And if all else fails, do as I do and go to the speaker tape sites and listen to some of the classics. There are a couple of awesome female speakers out there. I do not know what the rule is to identifying speakers or sites, but if you wish to PM me, I can tell you a few.
All quotes from the Big Book are from the First Edition.
I think my biggest mistake is trying to figure what I should say to make them identify. Share your experience strength and hope, and someone will identify. I cannot be all things to all people, but maybe one will understand.
The one thing I do before I speak at a meeting is take a quiet time with God and say my 3rd and 7th step prayer.
Finally, while you may not see the relationship at the moment, your experience may not vary much from what some of these women have gone through. For example, mental hospitals and jail. Both tell you what to do and when, both determine your bedtime and youe meal time. In my case, both were locked wards.
Promiscuity and prostitution: both are self-seeking in that a person may be looking for something, whether it is money or security.
Sexual abuse and abusive men: both have a similar result internally, although the external looks a little different.
The greatest gift we have is to carry the message. Focus the majority of the time on the solution, and give them hope.
And if all else fails, do as I do and go to the speaker tape sites and listen to some of the classics. There are a couple of awesome female speakers out there. I do not know what the rule is to identifying speakers or sites, but if you wish to PM me, I can tell you a few.
All quotes from the Big Book are from the First Edition.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Say a prayer, Nin, for your HP to help you speak only from your heart, not your ego, and you'll do just fine. If one woman hears something that touches her, your time there was well spent -- even if she's touched years down the line in remembering your words.
I've done jail meetings for six years, and I've done them both Christmas and New Year's Eve. I can't say for certain if it's had any effect on them, but I know it sure has on me.
Thank you for your service.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
I've done jail meetings for six years, and I've done them both Christmas and New Year's Eve. I can't say for certain if it's had any effect on them, but I know it sure has on me.
Thank you for your service.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hi Nin...
I've been accused of having a shallow bottom... What does that mean really? Did it feel shallow to me? Umm, NO! Could it have been worse? Yes!
But what's important in my story?... Something broke, I separated from God... I remember when that happened... and why... and that's the story I tell. I tried to fill that hole that opened up, with alcohol, and other things.... The depth I fell to was not important, though plenty deep, why I fell... that's important to me, because it is important to my recovery.
People told me later that they could relate to that, people with "deeper" bottoms than mine...
But how did I recover??... That's what I wanted to share!! Like sugah said (I miss those thank you buttons...)... speak from your heart. Ask God to help you. You'll do fine.
Mark
I've been accused of having a shallow bottom... What does that mean really? Did it feel shallow to me? Umm, NO! Could it have been worse? Yes!
But what's important in my story?... Something broke, I separated from God... I remember when that happened... and why... and that's the story I tell. I tried to fill that hole that opened up, with alcohol, and other things.... The depth I fell to was not important, though plenty deep, why I fell... that's important to me, because it is important to my recovery.
People told me later that they could relate to that, people with "deeper" bottoms than mine...
But how did I recover??... That's what I wanted to share!! Like sugah said (I miss those thank you buttons...)... speak from your heart. Ask God to help you. You'll do fine.
Mark
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
I dislike the high/low bottom stuff. Was Jimi Hendricks a high or low bottom drunk? How about Janis Joplin? Freddie Prinze? What about Ira Hayes?
Externally your story may not mesh with theirs that much, but, luckily the disease you all share is an internal condition so this will be easy. They could control their drinking no more than you could. They couldn't stop just like you couldn't stop. Their spiritual malady made them just as miserable as yours did you.
The next neat thing is that the solution you have found will work for them too. Whether they are dead broke or farting through silk, if they work the steps, they will stay sober. Ugly or pretty if they practice these principles they will receive the promises.
Shucks, you and those girls are practically separated at birth.
Externally your story may not mesh with theirs that much, but, luckily the disease you all share is an internal condition so this will be easy. They could control their drinking no more than you could. They couldn't stop just like you couldn't stop. Their spiritual malady made them just as miserable as yours did you.
The next neat thing is that the solution you have found will work for them too. Whether they are dead broke or farting through silk, if they work the steps, they will stay sober. Ugly or pretty if they practice these principles they will receive the promises.
Shucks, you and those girls are practically separated at birth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 204
Thank you guys so much. I just came home from a terrific birthday night to your replies and am feeling very confident that my HP and the message of AA are strong enough that all I have to do is get out of the way and let them work through me. I will take your advice, Sug and Rock and pray before I go. The best thing I can be is an instrument.
I dislike the high/low bottom stuff for exactly the reason you expressed, Bad. How many don't get to live long enough to qualify as what some would call a low bottom? I hate to think someone might go out to get the requisite "cred" and not make it back.
I dislike the high/low bottom stuff for exactly the reason you expressed, Bad. How many don't get to live long enough to qualify as what some would call a low bottom? I hate to think someone might go out to get the requisite "cred" and not make it back.
Finding the Light! 10/13/09
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by rockworm 
I think my biggest mistake is trying to figure what I should say to make them identify. Share your experience strength and hope, and someone will identify. I cannot be all things to all people, but maybe one will understand.
The one thing I do before I speak at a meeting is take a quiet time with God and say my 3rd and 7th step prayer.
The one thing I do before I speak at a meeting is take a quiet time with God and say my 3rd and 7th step prayer.
respectfully snipped quote
I love what you said rockworm, fwiw.
You'll do great ninsuna. Your honesty and what you are doing is inspirational.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 204
I just wanted to give you guys an update. I put your helpful advice to use and the meeting went off great. I felt totally relaxed and alive when I was sharing, a few things came out that surprised me, but it was wonderful. At no time was I thinking of what to say or trying to impress, which was exactly what I had prayed for.
Ego still, of course, reared her ugly head when my friend spoke and the women in the meeting seemed to connect more with her than me. I just have to laugh at myself there.
Everyone was so appreciative and I was really impressed at the sincerity and humour of the ladies in this group, I feel like they gave me a lot more than I gave them. I wanted to stay and hang out with them after the meeting. I will be doing H&I work again and telling folks in my home group about it.
Ego still, of course, reared her ugly head when my friend spoke and the women in the meeting seemed to connect more with her than me. I just have to laugh at myself there.
Everyone was so appreciative and I was really impressed at the sincerity and humour of the ladies in this group, I feel like they gave me a lot more than I gave them. I wanted to stay and hang out with them after the meeting. I will be doing H&I work again and telling folks in my home group about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: trudgingroadofhappydestiny_NC
Posts: 36
thank you for your honesty about the situation. I found it very refreshing.
Just be you
" no matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experiences can benefit others "
Carry the message , not the drunk
and all will be well, also leave the opinions and outcome to your HP
speaking in prisons can be nerve racking, but never as bad as we make it out to be in our own magic magnifying minds
Just be you
" no matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see how our experiences can benefit others "
Carry the message , not the drunk
and all will be well, also leave the opinions and outcome to your HP speaking in prisons can be nerve racking, but never as bad as we make it out to be in our own magic magnifying minds
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 1,493
Ninsuna,thanks very much for your share! had i got here earlier i would have said what a few others said and prayed about this matter.i live in scotland and at the begining of february i will have a year sober,when we get a year here we are able to be of service and go into prisons.i am hoping to do this.thanks again for carrying the message and being of service.
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