gravity

I have been facing my own "mental issues" - periods of fear-based anxiety. It comes & goes depending on what is going on in my life.

What of course has helped is practicing the program: meditation, prayer, gratitude, and acceptance (I can't do anything about certain challenges). Nothing new here.

But I still fall back into that anxiety. I feel like I've hit a plateau in my sobriety and if I want things to improve, I have to try different things. I don't know if more meetings and more readings will help me. Makes me think of that definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

I sort of see the 12 steps this way:

- If I practice the steps, I will not drink
- The steps are a guide for living

But how am I living? Am I whining about my shortcomings or am I doing something about it? Am I using my time wisely or am I sulking at home scared, feeling sorry for myself? There are days that I seem to be letting myself drift back into that same mental state I had prior to quitting drinking.

And it's not just about quitting drinking. Low self-esteem, depression, anxiety...recognize the problem and do something about it even if it means looking outside of the AA program. In fact, the 12 steps (my Higher power) have given me the courage & strength to do this. I am considering counselling, medical advice, & religion. No disrespect, but my sponsor and the fellowship may not be able to help me with every problem I have.

Acceptance of the problem, keeping open minded about options, do the work, patience.

The courage to change the things I can.



BTW, if you ever start thinking that drinking might be a good idea & that you are missing out on something, remember what it was like on the day you sobered up. I never want to go back to that Hell.

24hrsAday

gravity: "i never want to go back to that hell" i gotta second that!

RufusACanal

Bob,

You are not alone today. I too, have these thoughts, more so than I let on; so much for uniqueness. I would wager that many of us feel and think as you do to some greater or lesser degree. How could we not? I have survived what life and I conspired for so many years to do to my body, mind and soul without regard for the future; I had no care for the future self. I lived, Bob, for the moment and I compromised everything to live for that moment, over and over again. Rules and laws did not hold me nor did concern for other humans, mostly. I lived to experience those moments of ecstasy over and over and I would do anything to sustain that life.

As I listen to my fellows in meetings, gushing about the Promises and the glorious garden of love that they will in some way find themselves in one day, I want to puke. Surely, there is something more, but I have found that whatever more is, it comes from making the effort to grow from within not from without. No one is standing by the pearly gates to offer me a reward for my changes in life; I am alive, is that not reward enough?

I have thoughts like you. Some days, the rampant insanity runs through me like a river threatening to gush from every orifice of my body; seriously not funny. Even in the middle of what I believe is the ultimate breaking of my last mental string, something holds me together, something I believe that will not allow my small life to end as a cheap mockery of the beauty around me. I do not give up.

Bob, I have a choice to either give in and go away, or stand and fight. Yes, I stand and fight. I refuse to give up, when even my own screams are all I hear. You think me probably over dramatic? I refuse to give up what has been given me in this New Life.

No one can tell you what to do. No one can give you advice that will fix you. Make a decision Bob to live alone in your head or reach out and grasp that essence of life that will free you from the nightmare of self. I call on God for that, my friend, you do as you chose.

It would be a shame if you give up, gave in or went away, but if you do, I believe someone will learn from your example either way. You will have an impact on others, whether you want to or not. Maybe the gift is in the choice Bob, maybe. Best to you my friend.

FightingIrish

Someone told me in early sobriety not to take my thoughts and feelings so personally.

Lately I have been better able to notice my moods and resentments and either resist over-reacting to each little fluctuation OR to take action. (Or sometimes to take NO action.)

I can't really take any credit for this because I don't know why or how it's happening.

My thoughts used to be like a lit match to gasoline...woof! and suddenly the whole place is on fire. (Makes me think of that Drew Barrymore movie...)

Lately I seem to have the power of choice either to light the match or throw it away.

I guess this counts as "hope" rather than any specific guidance. Maybe this too shall pass LOL.

24hrsAday

this too shall pass..

MsChief

I have just celebrated 10 years of sobriety. However, for the past 2 years - up until about 2 months ago - I have been suffering from clinical depression, which encompassed all the fears and emotions that I suffered throughout my last days of drinking.

I too questioned whether I had done the steps properly, even though I had completed them willingly and honestly. I wallowed in self pity for some time and I even started thinking that there was something in my childhood that I could not remember which was making me suffer this way. I had little help from the NHS and I stopped attending meetings due to paranoia and agoraphobia.

After much soul searching and misery I eventually, just as I had when drinking, got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I forced myself to attend a meeting, and now I am going to AA meetings at least once a week. I am planning to attend at least 3 meetings weekly, just as I did in my early recovery, in the future.

I am responsible, for my spiritual health. I cannot blame anyone or anything and now my spiritual health has improved, everything else seems easier to deal with.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.